Rants

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i can't imagine the sort of people who would tell someone else to commit suicide. i know they wouldn't be decent folks and are not worthy of having their notions taken seriously.

I am sorry but I have to got to say this, its brutal but its how I feel, I can't hold on to this... I am sorry...

I can't... I got to go...

You have me a million f*****g tears,

I HATE YOU, I JUST WANTED TO HELP.

I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF RIGHT NOW AND I HOPE YOUR f*****g HAPPY.

crying is a good release. killing yourself, not so much.

Please stop, dcj.
You can live through this.
Think of everything else you've lived through.
Who lives through that kind of s**t?
You do.
You have.
You can.

Thank you, kind lady, for asking me to take off my hat in a crowded restaurant so that everyone could see exactly what I freak I am.
Thank you for making me feel absolutely small and humiliated.
Yeah, that was great.
You're a legend.

I bet her vag smells worse than a wombat's willy warmer.

What a C.

To the dickhead psych who saw me in October: did you actually listen to a word I f*****g said? For some reason they sent me another copy of my report today, which I shouldn't have re-read but I did, and oh my god is this guy kidding me?!
'She has a trusting nature' what the f**k? I mean, this doesn't even have a bearing on anything I was seeing him for, it didn't even come up in conversation, so why did he write it, and how did he come to that conclusion without asking me? I am the opposite of a trusting person, socially my instincts are contempt and mistrust. People are liars in every aspect of themselves, they're taught to be liars and they're hypocrites too because at the same time they'll hold up conventions that lying is 'bad'. Lying isn't bad, mistrust isn't bad, those are the things I use to get me through the day. Maybe it's because I'm so negative about other people that I'm apparently a good judge of character; the fact is people do front, they do invent versions of themselves and they can't be trusted, but there's a transparency to it if you know where to look, and certainly a side I can empathise with. People aren't real, f*****g fine. I guess as long as we all can't be ourselves (if we want to function anyway) then that's fair, even if it's fair in a f****d up kind of way. Clearly I've lost my train of thought, but my point is: I am not a trusting person. I do not have a 'trusting nature'. And the reason I'm not trusting is that I'm honest enough with myself to know that I lie.

And by the way, if you thought I was trusting because I told you stuff, maybe look a little at context, because I should be able to have some sort of open discourse with a qualified psych if I want any help. Even then I lied to your face, because I didn't like the way you patronised me.

I'm now having the trippy double-feeling of anger and derealisation, nice. So everything's soft and hazy, but also I want to smash something. I don't know what to do now, I have to go to bed since I'll be up at 5, but I'm scared to sleep because I'll get sad. Every time I feel like this and I settle down to sleep, those last little walls of emotional restraint give in. I would like not to have a breakdown, but that's not going to happen. Good night all, I am properly screwed.

I am going to kill myself, if not today then at some point. I can't f*****g deal with this BS any f*****g longer.

I don't know, I am sorry, maybe I shouldn't think that way.

I saw one of my abusers from homelessness today and I am numb

I don't want to die but I don't want to feel any more pain...

That is true actually,

i'm glad you don't want to die. i'm sorry you have so much pain, dcj.

No one loves me

My mom loves the avatar she thinks I am, but she doesn't know me and she doesn't love me. My dad is big question mark but he doesn't think I am worth addressing most of the time. I am just that dumb person over in the corner of the room. Fewer and fewer people care here and eventually, no one will. No one in real life cares to call me unless its for some BS that'll get me killed or in prison.

No one loves me

I just exist as a burden to others, waste of time and money, maybe I'll save the social security crisis by becoming a hero.

My dad heard "he is stupid" when they said I was autistic and as far as I can tell, that has never changed. He is also implying I am incapable.

I'm sick and tired of your admin/pointless work. Im busy enough thanks and don't have enough time to do all my own tasks in the day. I'm not doing extra work for free, you want more from me... Pony up Misses.

^^^This, 100% .

Also dcj, people here do care, I care. As for 'fewer and fewer', it's better to have a few people that really care than many people who're insincere. How are you doing right now, what are you up to today?

Edit: Those questions might upset you if you're feeling lost today, or if the answers are sad. That's not my intention, I know how sh***y it is when people ask you stuff like that and the truth is too negative to share. So if you don't want to answer them, how about a tech rant? Those always seem to suit you .