Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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Dear J,

I love you with everything I am, despite all of this. Part of me secretly hopes that you will come back to me and this will all be a memory of a mistake but we both know that isn’t going to happen. We both know we aren’t right for each other, no matter how much we want to be.
I am sorry for everything.

I don't know if you'll ever read this, but the problem is that I still have strong feelings for you. I've been trying to deny it and trying to be angry at you.

It's a weird thing. I couldn't just feel nothing about you, so I turned my feelings into anger. I kept thinking about how angry I was with you for messing me about and how I don't understand what you said to me.

But the truth is I love it when your face lights up when I talk to you. It melts away any anger I've built up. I feel like I can be myself with you and just talk away. Yes, sometimes I'm quiet and so are you, but I don't think that's a bad thing. I think moments of quiet company are good. I still feel comfortable with you.

So I have distanced myself to protect myself.

I don't hate you. I just can't deal with how I feel about you. I can't feel nothing. You're adorable. I feel too much and I want it to stop because I know you don't feel the same way and I don't think I can stop feeling things for you if I am still spending time with you.

I'm sorry.

I sometimes wish you could see how your current situation will backfire in your face and further this downward spiral, self-destructive path of yours that you subconsciously crave. The hole you've dug yourself is too deep, pretty much ruining a potentially fruitful career.

I understand the struggles, but time and time again, you have either neglected or abused the offered support, or used your father as a scapegoat.

I'm fully aware that you miss the old days, but that was then, and this is now. Your mistakes and regrets are your own to learn from, but it's frustrating to witness you never learning, progressing or moving forward.

My life's hardly been a bowl of cherries, but do you see me complaining? No.

Will you ever see the light, or just further destroy your health and well-being with; a sedentary lifestyle, poor diet, and pervasive smoking?

You say my life's amazing, and that I "got lucky". I too was once sedentary, bordering on obesity, but can you not see I've worked effortlessly to get out of the mess I got myself into, right the wrongs I've made, including the weight loss you keep bringing up?

"How did you do it?"
"Eat less, move more"
"Oh, can't be bothered."

Well, what else can I do?

I've known you for a long time, and if this is the bed you so wish to lay in, then stop complaining.

If you want to do something about it, then DO IT! It has to come from you!

Dear JHC dude,

H, I still don't understand. It felt like we were close, like really close. At least that's how it seemed to me. It's how all the signals registered. It's been a month and a half since you threw me away but I still feel like I'm yours. You really messed up my brain really badly. Somehow I love you more than anyone else I've ever met and I also consider you the greatest threat to my mental health that's ever existed. You're like alcohol. Poison and euphoria simultaneously. But I still have this question "why?" that will never be answered. Why did things turn to crap? Why couldn't you accept or at least appreciate that I loved you? Why, in the wake of so many guys that treated you like crap over and over again, couldn't you see my love as genuine? Why did you resent my feelings? Why would you never talk about anything, at all, ever? Why did you rage at me over and over again? What the f**k was wrong (with you)? How is using your words so f**king hard?

Because you're in denial. You said you were an addict. But you're on a ridiculous dose of Gabapentin and when you're on your Adderall you seem like a different person. It's not coke and xanax, but it's not that much different. You're lying to yourself every day about your sobriety. You just got a prescription for your abuse that was different enough from before that you could keep lying to yourself.

And 13th stepping, were you s**tting me? Addicts literally use that as a euphemism for circumventing their goal to be sober by substituting sexual pleasure acquired from other addicts for their addiction of choice.

And really dude, you were so authoritarian. You never discussed how anything made you feel or what anything meant to you, only "do this," "don't do that." And the last time I wanted a conversation you monologued for half an hour hatefully at me, stealing my voice whenever it was relevant to the conversation, suffocating me under your presumptions of me with no method recourse.

You're a b***h. I don't call anyone that. I hate that word. But you are. A complete. b***h.

Everyone told me that you we using me, but I wanted to believe.

Eventually all the repressed doubts coalesced into a mindset that was unleashed when I drank, and it lashed out. Because you were horrible for me despite what my conscious mind kept reiterating to itself.

Why do I let people like you enslave me?

I've known my whole life that I was different. Things that were so simple for others were extremely difficult for me, such as making friends, coping in stressful situations, relating to others. As a result, I had no friends in childhood and was constantly bullied. I've also suffered with a great deal of mental health issues my entire life, including depression, anxiety and OCD. Life never better as an adult. I still had no friends, I graduated college but never, found a good job and remain unemployed and my social skills never improved.

I recently came across Aspergers and realized that I fit almost every symptom. I know I should be relieved that I finally have an explanation for why I am the way I am, but I'm also devastated. I have a lot of pride in myself and my capabilities, and feel shame in being autistic, and like I'll never be able to live the life I want. It kills me to know that there is something broken in my brain, and while I may improve, I'll never be at a level that just comes naturally to others.

I thought reading up on Aspergers and visiting forums would be good for me, but if anything they have made me feel worse. It seems like everybody on the forums is miserable and hopeless about life (I realize the irony as I'm writing this...) and that I'll be doomed to the same thing.

I feel like having Aspergers has robbed me of the life I crave, and I don't even know which parts of myself are "me" or just this disorder. If I didn't have it, maybe I'd have been able to make friends and have a normal childhood, I wouldn't have all of the mental health issues that have destroyed me and I'd be more optimistic. This disorder has ruined my life in unimaginable ways, and I get so jealous when others easily make tons of friends, going out every night and just having the life I so desperately want.

I'm really sorry for this depressing, pity party of a post. I'm the problem. I'm somebody who never likes to show any vulnerability or emotions, so this shows just how bad of shape I'm in. I just want a normal life.

I feel really stupid. I dont remember any of the good times anymord. I just remember the times you didn't turn up or didn't want to spend time with me.

I vaguely remember that the good times were so enjoyable that I thought that something was there. They made me gloss over my doubts. The disappointment when you didn't show up. The months of waiting for you to ask me out.

What an idiot I am.

I should have said no. I should have given up long before I did.

I deserve to be loved and I settled for this... why?

Dear Allies If To Be,

I don't chase the light. I just don't. That's the true story; and that's my real choice.
To tell these exact words WILL scare you and others...
And I don't like that.

I don't like it when others think this will disincline me from expressing compassion more than it already had.
This isn't like the labels and it's stigmas which you may all understood that there are 'statuses' beyond that proves those stigmas are wrong and untrue.
And this is much deeper than that, more of a choice that would disincline me from choosing the concept of 'righteousness' -- your domain of knowing things about others beyond the surface.

The moment I was in the realm of light; indeed it is heaven on earth, where love overflows from me and willingly give it away freely...
But a part of me, the very one that is bigger than who I thought I was, is BORED.

This part of me... Wanted to dive deeper into the dark.
The cold and callous dark side, where the focus is the service to self even one consciously choose otherwise.
One with a world full of pessimism, the one that disinclines empathy, trust, openness and acceptance... The world of pride, shame, and guilt -- as much as it hurts, as much as parts of me wanted out.

To be in the 'dark' and remain there... At least you guys knew what to do with people who have such cases, already figured that one's action and intent mattered more than their inclinations suggests.

Still, I just don't wanna scare any of you by knowing that 'I knew' certain things -- and I mean knew, I mean consciously and explicitly knew this is what this part of me chose over.
Not simply beyond my current and very limited percept, assuming the lack of the conscious knowing and awareness over these things.

At least I wasn't cursed. Or possessed. Just annoyingly ego sensitive.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I can't help feeling now that there's a consensus among many that I should be ignored.

I can assure you that doesn't mean I'll ignore you back.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Please just leave me alone. We are not friends anymore. I dont trust you anymore. You make me feel unhappy. I don't particularly want to interact with you.

I don't even miss you anymore. Things have gone back to the way they were before I met you and I'm ok with that. Actually, it's even better than that because I've made new friends and I'm having a good time.

What we had is gone, evaporated.

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, has feathers like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.

With your attitude and behavior, you may as well slip into the pond and start quacking.

Yes, I mean YOU!

Passing off a vegan burger containing real mayonnaise is disgusting and outrageous. I have an egg allergy and you had no right to be so STUPID and RECKLESS with my food. You should be deeply ashamed of yourselves. And no apology from you either except a partial refund. I've reported you. I hope you get into deep trouble.

I'm starting to enjoy the freedom. Things are good.

Dude, please stop harassing me just because I am on the spectrum.

Dear friend who is flirting with my Crush (ofc she doesn't know) please stop acting like the three of us are such good friends. I don't want to see that guy ever again and i already told you i am not on good terms with him. So please give up on the crazy idea of a sleep ver with the THREE OF US for Gods sake!

I don't like the dismissive way most everyone seems to be speaking of each other lately so I'll keep isolating, later.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Do You know that I don't hate you? That i forgave you some time ago.

I just need to live my own life right now... without you.

You don't need me. You'll be fine. I feel like even saying that is patronising. You don't need me to say that.