Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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But that was my idea... and you didn't include me.

It just hurts.

Yeah, I don't know what I need either... I know that it just all hurts.

Reassurance would be been nice. Didn't think to even try did you. Didn't think I maybe needed encouragement. Maybe I'm struggling. Maybe I'm not as strong as I pretend to be.

You're just gone and you don't care what happens to me.

I like your new signature hurtloam, lost count how many times I listened to that tape when I was young.

Dear Dad,

For goodness' sake, chew with your mouth closed! I don't even have misophonia and the noises you make while eating drive me bonkers and kill my appetite.

Ignore the right wing haters that only tear you down!
Right wingers will claim there are lots of jobs out there and you are too lazy or not looking hard enough.
Right wingers will also claim you are not entitled to a job and tell you how easy it was to get a job back in their day. Ok boomer!
Right wingers will also complain about immigrants, single mothers, disabled and unemployed.
Right wingers will also claim that everyone able bodied or disabled can all become rich and it only attitude that stops people from becoming rich.
Right wingers are ignorant, lack empathy and are stupid. Trump is the face of right wingers and he is ignorant and stupid.
Right wingers will only insult, abuse, annoy and offer no support. They only offer worthless advice that does not work for everyone.
Right wingers will claim it is you bad attitude, being pessimistic and other nonsense claims. They can get stuffed!

Dear friend,

I miss you so much. I miss talking with you about music and photography and other shared interests. I miss sharing silly stuff about everyday life. I miss hearing your beautiful voice. It felt so good to be accepted. At least I believed that you accepted me same as did with you. It felt good to talk with you because I thought we think the same about so many different things. You know, same values and such stuff that builds a friendship. Knowing we would talk every morning and every evening allowed me to trust you.

I sometimes felt uneasy because I thought that I overshared. You always asked about me because you did not like talking about you. Less sharing from me would have kept our friendship more balanced and me more at an emotional distance. Hindsight ... the damage was already done and I felt emotionally attached to you from sharing my thoughts, feelings and vulnerabilities. I should have watched more what you do and in particular what you don't do. But I didn't.

In one very important aspect, our values differed, I see that now. I told you that being close friends meant for me shared values, a genuine interest in what you thought about life stuff, and most important, enjoying getting to know you, appreciating your uniqueness, accepting each other's ways of being crazy. And when I asked you about what close friends meant for you, you said talking every day. That was all. I choose to be blind about it, fear of losing that wonderful feeling close with you. Like family. So precious.

Then you decided to change your life. I know that these changes were important for you. You wanted that relationship back with the girl that you broke up with years ago. You wanted a career. I wanted you to be successful because I believed it would make you happy. I believed that you deserved to be happy because I knew how it is if you have depression as a constant companion.

Being close friends, I thought that talking about the struggles in life would be normal. I forgot that you did not like to talk about you. I sensed a change. You talked less and less, from several times daily to sometimes not for weeks. You no longer listened to when I talked or asked you something. Some old problems of feeling abandoned and rejected came back in full force. Triggered panic attacks on repeat. I asked for your help again and again ... in vain. You never even gave a sign that you saw that I asked for your help. I felt of no value to you.

It took me a very long time to realize that these life changes put you under tremendous stress even though you wanted them so much. I wish you would have talked with me in more detail about how these changes in your life affected you and how our friendship contact would change. Or talked about it at all, not only that your life changed. I am not very good as a mind-reader and needed help to understand you. I wanted to understand you so much. It might have helped me to be prepared for the change in our friendship and not feel rejected. I wish we could have found a healthy way to maintain our friendship. I was so sad when you accused me of not understanding you and not accepting you. It became always about things you did not want, not hear or not give, never about something positive or what you want to give.

I felt so lonely and rejected. It did hurt when you took out you anger about other people on me. It did hurt that you could not keep a promise, you forgot every single of them right after you made them. It did hurt when you walked away when I needed your help the most. It did hurt to not being "seen". I tried to find anger about how you treated me because anger would have helped me not to feel the fear of losing you. Because I liked you too much.

Telling you all this is moot. Putting it into writing is more therapeutic for me. You won't come back. I need to heal from this, find me again, find my lost creativity and love for the world. Alone.

I still miss you. I hope the memories will fade fast. I have a f***ing good memory and I hate it now.

I wasn't sure where to post it, or whether to post it at all for his sake.

I didn't realise that constantly talking about Luke on Facebook would have been harrassing him directly. I didn't see it. I didn't mean to do that. I didn't realise that was how it appeared.

I'm exceptionally sorry. Mentally ill or not, I had no idea what I was doing, I didn't even mean a lot of what I said. It was nonsensical, I can't even make out what I meant when I read it back.

Dear you two, i finally understand how to get out of this feeling. I hope you two pity me. Pity me for being a failure of a woman and a lawyer, i can't do anything right and i am so far below you two. I hope you two feel this pity. I never deserved a boyfriend let alone a marriage. I am so far below you two you can never ever understand me.

10 things that make my life difficult because of Aspergers!

I never learnt how to tie my shoelaces because of my Aspergers.
I only wear velcro or slip on shoes because of my Aspergers.
I only started walking at 3 years old because of my Aspergers.
I only started to talk at 9 years of age age because of my Aspergers.
I never learned how to drive because of my Aspergers.
I have always been so far behind everyone else because of my Aspergers.
I am an extremely fussy eater because of my Aspergers.
I am sensitive to lights and sounds because of my Aspergers.
I find it hard to make friends because of my Aspergers.
I can not find a job because of my Aspergers.

If we admit our life sucks then we are told to change and improve and quit the pity party. Some people will go on about starving people in Africa, kids with cancer, burns victims that have life worse than us. That does not improve or change our lives at all.

Luke, I'm really sorry.

First of all quit bragging you want something which you clearly aren't able to handle.

Secondly, you can't handle it cos you have the intelligence of a goldfish and the temper of a bull.

You are stupid. Let someone else let that sink in for you. I'm done.

It's your arrogance and your bigotry I can't handle. And the fact you keep saying the same stuff over and over. Shut up.

Not everyone is a cishet neurotypical WASP. You need to be able to accept that. Also life isn't easy and you will learn that because you're hardly the most intelligent or privileged haha.

Nice looking though.

Thanks for making me realise I want more than just looks haha.

55 aint coming spice boy.

Also you so clearly lack culture it's pathetic. Almost proud of it. Stick to Tenerife, for your sake and the sake of everyone else.

Stick away from Celtic areas. Try not to burn people's homes. Try not to get in fights.

Rangers chav.

Stick to your dreams lol cos you ain't actually getting anything better than what you had. And you're never gonna be able to move out of your hometown or get a degree like I did.

Never gonna waste my time on someone like you ever again, platonically or with a crush.

My dear, dear friend who'd I kept referring as Addicta--


I'm serious.

Unless you're the type who would touch something repeatedly that had already shocked you, knowing and aware of all of that, most especially if your mind tells you not to -- you don't wanna go down the same path as I do.

I'm not joking. I was not joking.
It is not a gentle kind of inner work that involves positive affirmations and reassurance.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I've been invisible long enough to know that I'm out of place socially in every possible way by now. I'm not avoiding anyone but I don't know what to say anymore.

People wrote off everything about me but my professional ability. I no longer think anything I can do means anything, period. Ignorance at this level isn't normal. It's just me. ASD is truly hated out there.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos