Rants

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What am I going to do when the apartment project is over... As soon as I'm having a boring moment I start thinking about unhealthy stuff, like alcohol... wonder if I can mix vodca and this orange lemonade I have a little left of. Of course I can, it probably will not be very tasty though.

I could try and find another special interest. when I started fishing, I was hooked for several years. If not I might continue the downgoing spiral I was on before I bought the apartment. Because let's face it, nothing will be different just because I move...

If I'm "lucky" I don't have to worry about this, as the world will soon go to hell, and all I can (and will) do about it, is be an observer. Let's hope it doesn't hurt too much.

^^ I bet a nice man would be just as intoxicating as a mixed drink.

^He he.. I have to much mental problems I'm afraid to be a good partner, or even a stable partner.

I am not in a safe environment and I may have to hurt someone in self defense very soon though I don't want to

Evidently, more then one person wants in my apartment, that is okay cause I am sitting by the door and I got just what they need.

Cops can't do anything right, but that is okay cause I'll fix it myself.

^^ you have phoned the police though right?

^^You sound like a man with a plan .

Should we be concerned more for you or the other person? Be careful anyway, don't get into too much trouble if you can help it.

Hope your therapy went well btw if you went

My door was open when I came back this morning from a quick task, I thought maybe I made a mistake, then I returned from therapy and it was open again when I know for a fact that I locked it. My bedroom is a wreck so I left my apartment and came back silently and I am waiting... and I'll wait and I'll wait. If they do not return, I will do it again during the day and then I'll solve this problem. They can take me away if they want but its about time someone feels some consequences for screwing up my life and that is an opinion worth imprisonment for me.

Also good idea to move computers in bedroom

^ that sucks.

I will repeat my earlier comment to be careful, don't want you hurt or in trouble . Legally though there's some defence of property/trespassing stuff there so as long as you don't dish out too harrowing an injury (and even if you do) you might be ok on that front.

I bet this is really helping your recent anxiety problems, huh? /sarcasm

Well I guess I could rig this place with cameras, open some ports, go to the library and watch my apartment and call the police when they come in.

That way, I don't deal with cops directly and I don't have hurt anyone, seems like a win win.

I guess maybe I am just angry, I probably don't need to make a decision that could lead to problems when angry. I really can't identify this emotion.

^^You are wise, dcj-san .

Plus taking them out with tech would feel pretty good right? Win-win indeed.

In reference to last page and break in,

I don't want to deal with the police tomorrow or my landlord...

Honestly I probably should have already called them but that is... just... no. If they complain tomorrow on why I waited, I'll tell them I am autistic and start counting birds lol

I am not dealing with anybody tonight, I am not home, I don't exist.

I wanna have friends but I don't have anything to talk about.

Dammit, I literally know nothing. I literally know nothing about anything.

I don't have any sort of skill. .-.
I haven't put any sort of practice into learning any sort of skill. I used to draw but I literally forgot what my drawing style was like and I want it back. I used to be so charming and have so many ideas, but now I don't have any ideas.
(Well I do have ideas but I don't know how to express them.)

Is it weird to say that it feels like my personality is gone? I used to be this crazy, energetic, bright kid who was fascinated by everything. I loved to learn, and was always interested in learning new information. I had clear opinions, actually very strong ones, and I talked about them all the time. I was fascinated by the world and people, and was actually interested in keeping up with what was going in the world. I wasn't afraid to just go up to people and talk them. I wasn't afraid of anything.
I loved drawing, it was what I spent all my time doing.
I was precocious.
What happened?

I tried to learn again but it feels like I don't have any of the fascination that I used to. Where did my passion go?
Where is my energy?

AAAAA! Everyone loses interest in me because I don't have anything to talk about.

....And I don't know how to hold a conversation.

I have one friend that I keep in touch with by phone, and we try to talk and stuff...

But I never have anything to say, and I can feel the connection between us weakening and...

He's always so busy and I feel like I'm wasting his time because all I do whenever I call him is cry.
But I never ask about him 'cause I don't know what to say, and whenever I do it just goes nowhere...

What's the point in friendship if you never have anything to talk anout and you don't have any interests in common and you can't offer anything to support the other person?

The people that are patient enough to maintain interest in me... I don't know what to do! I keep shying away from replying to their messages because I don't know what to say. And I don't want to say anything because I'm afraid that they'll reject me... I don't want it to be another connection that slips away.

I've done that with everybody, I've done that with every person that tries to get to know me, they try to talk me
and then I shut them out.

Or alternatively, we did do that for a while and then the well of interest dries up and they don't care and they just stop bothering...

I've friended people on a game and then deleted all the names from my friend list because I didn't want to deal with talking to them...

I don't wanna be having a conversatiom and then just run across that awkward silence where I don't have anything to say anymore...

I don't want to lead people on by making them think I'm this fun and interesting person and then turn out to be boring and depressed :/

Like what's the point in interaction if you don't have anything to say and
you don't have any interests in common, and you can't offer anything to support the other person?

What's the point in calling if I'm not gonna say anything at all? I think the only reason my friend keeps answering my calls at all is because he's being nice...
And I know that my friend is really, really overworked and really exhausted and should be asleep when I'm calling him, but instead he keeps taking time out of his day to talk to me and I feel really, really bad...

And I can tell that he's exhausted,

I feel like a parasite..

There's this one person that I think really likes me who keeps messaging me who I think wants to get to know me but I haven't replied to their stuff at all even though it's been over a month 'cause I don't know what to say...

And I think they're kind of distressed about it and they posted on another forum saying I haven't been replying to their messages and they didn't know why,

and I feel really bad...

Mmm.. I really want to get to know this person but I don't know how, and
I think they're really cool as well but I don't know what to do...


And I just wanna be not-lonely, and I don't care how nice being lonely is,
I can't deny that I am lonely

(That's a sh***y sentence)

And on a completely separate note
because I can't organize paragraphs

Everything that everyone loved about me, and knows about me, and remembered about me, is not me anymore.

_______________________

s**t this is why I don't think because every time I think it scares me.

Screw it. I'm tired, this thing is really disjointed and doesn't properly reflect my thoughts.
I tried to write too much in one thing and it came out as a trainwreck.
Blah.

^^
f**k it. I don't think anyone's ever gonna read that, 'cause it's too long and doesn't make sense.

But if you do see it, uhh... please do read it, because.. yeah.