Rants

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^I've read it.

maybe you are depressed?
I mean the lack of interest in things that used to interest you, is a typical sign of depression.

When I was about 19 years old I moved to a different place and was working in a grocery. I remember when my colleagues tried to talk to me I felt that I had NO idea what to say. I just didn't know how to have a conversation. I was totally blank. Somehow I have learned over several years how to talk to people (at least compared to how I was then), and I still learn new things when it comes to comunication all the time. So what I'm trying to say is that you can and will get better at it over time.

^^^ I read it Lillikoi, it does make sense

Froya's quite right, not being able to enjoy the things you used to love is part of depression. As is feeling like you're a shell of your former self.

For what it's worth though you always seem to have lots of personality, strong interests, plus you're super nice and you to have a lot of curiosity. I completely dry up in conversations too, I think I've improved a little with practice but I still can't have authentic conversations, and those are the ones you need to make and keep friends.

(((hugs)))

Sometimes it's hard doing the right thing...

The wrong things are so alluring, enticing and seductive.. If I had a negative influence on someone, I just can't live with myself if I knowingly did. The shame prevents me.

So I keep doing the right thing, even though I want to do the wrong thing.

I read it as well even though I don't normally read such long posts.

Not got any answers unfortunately but at least you know that people are reading it and are supportive of you.

Oh yeah and if your friend didn't want to know you I'm pretty certain he wouldn't answer your calls.

I feel something so right
Doing the wrong thing
&
I feel something so wrong
Doing the right thing

Now you know why I hate my life, not only was I told I was s**t person but I crawled in a hole afterwards and realized that I was in fact a s**t person.

Can't concentrate today, tried reading four different books but I'm just staring at the same page as my brain goes into meltdown, I hate being robbed of my greatest pleasure.
I'm glad we have gun laws, it's just too easy an option sometimes.
I dislike these days, can't muster the energy to point and laugh at the world, as it spins; spilling idiots into space.

Today is a 'bollocks' day.

Press fast-forward and maybe tomorrow will be 'different'.

Managed to rant without swearing, I flooooofing rock.

I think it's diffrent actually. I think it is our (yours and mine) "shame damage" that make us drawn to shameless behavior (selfdistructive behavior or behavior that can be distructive to others) I have read that it can be easier to deal with that kind of shame then the deep nameless shame I feel that tells me: "I don't deserve love".

I find this hard.. because I haven't found a solution to the problem, so how can I expect you to..

Shame that you have some control over is much easier to bear than 'the deep nameless shame'. I think this is part of why we have vices, why we self-sabotage etc.. The shame of those feels bad but it's nothing compared to what you could be feeling without them. Oh, isn't life fun? It's just damage limitation where half of the damage is self-inflicted.

There is an interesting thing though that therapiest says that every person have both good and bad personality traits. That I'm no different then others, I just think worse about myself. Yet.. My friend Anne and I have known each other for about 7 years, and we are very open with each other. I seam to have more bad traits then her.. She genuinely seams to be a good person. She doesn't have traits like; narcissism, envy, vindictive, lying and manipulative... omg Where was I going with this...

The other possibility is that my low self-esteem brings these traits more out in the open. What I mean is if my self-esteem was good these traits maybe would be sort of weaker, and other good traits would dominate more. I don't know.

He he, yes By the way you are so wise.. and you are only 22 years...

Haha thank you . I think I spend too much time thinking, that's what does it!

Would anyone like to join me in my abode of misery,

There is Zelda and chips included,

I swear I can't do anything with out feeling bad about my whole existence,

I do it all time the time regardless of all the variables I can think of,

I guess I have been depressed all year, I guess that is normal, people have dealt with worse I guess.

You know before too recently in my life it seems I had moments of depression and anxiety but never together really and it lasted a few weeks tops. I guess this is rock bottom, maybe it gets better, I hope it gets better. It kind of sucks,

^^^ what kind of chips?
Currently in my own world of darkness but I might reconsider, I forgot to get food so I'm eating a bag of coriander and trying not to think about it.

'The thing about hitting rock bottom is, you can only go up from there'. That's what people say isn't it?
Maybe they're right. I say if you have enough hope to even contemplate that being true, then it's worth a shot.