Rants

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Had a breakdown this morning 'cause apparently I hadn't eaten enough and I've been doing nothing but crying all day.

I hate meltdowns like this, they suck

rarely have them, bad

my mom is yelling at me 'cause she's under a lot of pressure
and I don't like all this hostility and it's bringing back bad memories and I'm scared

I don't wanna go back there, I don't want this,
I thought we were past it,
I don't want this to happen again

I wanna be able to cry without someone yelling at me
I'm gonna be glad to leave home

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you

And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As f****d up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well

And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and f****d things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that s**t seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As f****d up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and f****d things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

^^ I have a feeling if you had a physical copy of that, you'd long have worn it out.

Music can say things better than we can, it's true.

Nevermind,

I need fresh air, I am going to order a pizza or make a sub

I used to go through this every day, holy f**k
I don't know how I made it through any day
I don't know how I made it to where I am now.

and I hate being me, and I hate my life, and it sucks

not because of some other thingy,

But just as a fact of me and how my brain is structured and how I have meltdowns,
it will always suck,
and no matter how much I learn to cope with things,
I always make mistakes
and I will always slip up
and s**t like THAT will always happen
(see above: meltdown)

And it used to be worse, and there used to be throwing of things and threatening, and hiding and getting hurt

And thinking about it makes me scared 'cause i don't wanna believe that was real but it was.

that's kinda surreal.

It never really bugs me except for like right now when I see parallels between the two situations and then I get really, really scared

like I don't know how to describe how scared I am :tremble:

it's a primal fear, like the kind that makes you shake
you feel like you are a small animal and something is trying to kill you and it's life or death

It's like I'm reliving the situation, except I know I'm not and I know things are safe now and I know I'm not gonna get hurt but it still feels like it

@Lillikoi

That sucks, I hope you get feeling better soon.

How is it right that I am unforgivable when I have tried to forgive everyone?

I guess I'll go think about that while I hurt myself again

MUST NOT SEDATE MYSELF

MUST... NOT... SEDATE... MY... SELF..

I need to do something other then crying, wp and self harm today, I am going to play the Wii.

I am probably going end up sedating myself...

I also had a bad day yesterday, but reading this thread I really shouldn't complain. I did something I'm not proud of, hopefully I will not do something like that again (or at least seldom).

^Love to you too Dcj, and everyone else who are hurting