Rants

Post Reply New Topic

A thought came to mind last night, it gave me so much nerves, I went to the bathroom so many times, I was freezing and that gave me just a little relief. I can't call anyone because of christmas to hopefully resolve it. I have to wait several days. I haven't eaten for a long time, I couldn't eat if I wanted to. Just the constant pain.

I'm not in control right now. Several thoughts came to mind last night, how could I have forgotten these things. They are more important then the things I have been focusing on.

I have so much I need to get done, but I'm so alone and there is no meaning. If I trip, I'm afraid I will just keep falling...

I don't want my neighbours to hear me crying, I feel so ashamed. I cry/scream into my duvet.

I'm sorry I hope I don't bring anyone down on Christmas

I don't think writing here really helps. It's just a desperate need to be "seen". It only helps temporary, and then it's the same all over again.

Why does it have to be so hot this Christmas!

Both Christmas Eve and Christmas day will be 40 degrees celsius!

That's just freaking ridiculous!

My annoying family had their Christmas even thing at an outdoor pool. Yes it's cool in the water but our picnic lunch was not eaten in the water. It was eaten on dry land, outdoors, in the diabolical heat.

They should have had it indoors somewhere. All of them have air conditioning in their houses. Any of their houses would have been a suitable venue. One of them even has a pool. The good thing about their pool is that it's in their back yard, near their house so we could eat indoors and do everything aside from swimming indoors.

But in their futile attempt to beat the heat, they foolishly decided to have it at an outdoor pool, where all non swimming activities must be done outdoors, in the heat.

I walked for an hour in the heat, to the shops to get wrapping paper because I forgot to buy it last night. I bought a bolt of shiny silver wrapping paper. When I unravelled it, I found to my horror that it was actually transparent. It only looked silver when it was on the roll. So I had to buy another bolt of wrapping paper. Then I found that the convenience store next door to me sells wrapping paper. I should have gone there the first time.

All you people in the Northern Hemisphere are lucky you don't have to have a 40 degree celsius Christmas. That's 104 Fahrenheit for you Yanks.

humans were truly not meant to live in australia

You are right. I got sunburnt again. Even though I put sunscreen on.

The Australian Open starts in a month, too! I couldn't imagine playing tennis in that heat! Luckily, where I live, it's cool and pleasant.

My nuisance of the day: pop up ads! Aarrrgghh! They are interfering with my posting speed.

Why do you feel the need to correct everything I do? You're not helping me live independently, you're just being a dick.

You don't control my life, you don't control me, you are NOT me.
We've been over this before.

You've gotten a lot better, but you don't control anyone and everyone, and they don't cater to your every whim because they are not your slaves.

Funny thing is you used to say I was the one being selfish,

You used to take your anger out on me when no one was around and no one was there to see, and no one ever knew. And I didn't speak up about it for years because I thought that was normal.

You raised us for years making us think that was normal, and my brother didn't see half of what went on. My brother used to be the one who stood up for me, but when he left that's when hell broke loose.

You said s**t and gave me s**t and treated me like s**t because you knew no one could see and you knew no one could stop you.

I used to run and hide and not be able to talk, and there's a lot of reasons that you're one of the reasons I ran and hid. And I still try to hide sometimes.

But what's even scarier than a scary person is knowing that that person loves you and that they're a decent human, and seeing them the next morning saying "I'm sorry, I'm sorry", 'cause it's polarizing.
What's really scary is having the two images of a loving, caring parent and the scary dragon that yells and screams and throws things at you--
And not knowing when the demon is going to strike, or when the real person is going to come back.

And I know you've gotten a lot better, but sometimes I still see glimpses of a dragon and it frightens me.

^ That sucks... My mom may have never had trouble with anger but I do know what it's like to be manipulated into feeling guilty and selfish for stuff beyond my control and believing that my life would be much better if only I were a less horrible person. I'm sorry that you had to go through that...


Screw it, this is a rant thread so I'll rant.

My mom has ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder, so she's kinda' emotionally all over the place. Meanwhile my dad is Alexithymic and is probably in the broad autism phenotype, so he's often a bit of a Spock who doesn't seem to give a s**t about a lot of things but he is a total nerd. They are a rather classic outcast couple both being the "weird one" in their families before finally getting together to produce me, the "weird one" in my already rather mentally questionable family. They are also opposites in a lot of ways, they say that opposites attract and people like to imagine it like the positive and negative ends of magnets attracting and sticking together but in this case it was more like matter and antimatter attracting together before violently exploding.

Case in point, they divorced and my mom got custody. My dad lived in the house that his grandparents lived in before they died for a while and not long after that my mom decided on a whim to move up north a few hundred miles and not long later we moved yet again even further north. She tried to get my siblings and I to hate our dad and for a while it worked. Thus begins the worst time of my life.

I have two brothers, one has a ton of friends and is very socially successful while the other is a genius who gets strait A's and will have a Bachelor's degree by age 16. Of the three I was measured to have the highest IQ so my mom always had rather high expectations for me and put pressure on me to do well, but I almost always fell short. Not long before the divorce and the move, my mom got me a nice computer because I was taking an interest in 3D animation and she wanted to encourage that. She got a computer shop to make it and specifically requested a nice graphics card (not knowing that my CGI program uses the CPU and not the GPU). This is the computer that I am currently on, and it cost over $1,000. I bring this up because I didn't use it much for CGI so my mom got mad at me for that, but after moving twice and with the school year starting I was too stressed to do much of that. I convinced her to let me buy Minecraft for my brother as a birthday present which she reluctantly agreed to and then I got her to let me buy myself a copy so we could play multiplayer. I eventually got her to let me buy the Portal games, and I used my computer mostly for gaming. She wasn't very happy about that.

So yeah, I spent most of my free time playing games and watching TV shows on Netflix. I was generally very stressed because of school, the recent move, my lack of friends, and the terrible weather and my anxiety disorder made it worse. Because of this my number of metaphorical spoons was rather low so my grades suffered and my mom blamed gaming as the cause, believing that I had grown addicted to my computer just because that's how I relaxed after a stressful day. She put limitations on me using my computer and got very angry with me because of my grades. This made me even more stressed to the point where I had anxiety attacks almost daily, often in class.

That's also when my drivers ed class started. I had to get up at about 5:00 AM every morning so I was super sleep deprived and my teacher was one who was hated by all students who had him. He was very strict and he made it difficult to do any good in the class, but I had to either pass or do it again and since the class costs money I knew that my mom would be pissed. In order to have a fighting chance I had to put all of my very limited energy and metaphorical spoons into that class which meant putting basically no effort into all of my other classes. I often fell asleep in my other classes because I was so sleep deprived, and I ended up getting into a lot of trouble for that. I barely passed that drivers ed class and I went through hell to do it.

My mom tried to help with that by putting me on various medications but when that didn't instantly make me into a strait A student she assumed that I was doing it on purpose because I was "too spoiled" and "selfish" so she decided to threaten me with selling my car and computer, neither of which I even asked for in the first place although I seemed to be the only one to remember it that way. Without my car I would have had to walk two miles to school through the cold weather and without my computer I had no way to distract myself from the reality that could give me an anxiety attack by just thinking about it. That threat made things even worse. I tried to convince my mom that this was not my fault, but she always turned it around and said that I was just blaming others for my problems and calling her a horrible person because of my own shortcomings. This was the only time in my life when I contemplated suicide and I spent a lot of time just crying in my bed.

That's about when Christmas break started, three years ago almost to the day. One day my mom brought me downstairs to talk, and she said that I would be moving back south with my dad to hopefully improve my grades. I still believed the lies she told about him a few months ago, so I didn't want to do it and it would also mean being separated from my siblings which I didn't want. One of my brothers volunteered to move back with me which made things better, and over the break I packed up and drove back to live with my dad. Things did get better after that, my dad is gone working for most of the day and really doesn't care what I do as long as I go to bed at a reasonable time. My car ended up being sold and replaced by an old piece-of-junk van but I somehow kept the computer. A year later my brother moved back with us because my mom kinda' disowned him after he became an atheist and later her and my sister moved very close to my dad.

And speaking of my mom, she is getting remarried the day after Christmas to a guy she met three months ago and soon I will have two step sisters that I have barely even talked to at this point. Here's to hoping that it goes better then her last marriage.

Dang, that was long. Good job if you actually finished reading it.

I swear to God, I feel like mutilating my ex-girlfriend's clit right now and bashing her boyfriend's skull in with a rock, I F***ING hate them so much right now! I remember how when I was with her last, she kept moaning to me "I just need you to f*** me!" and I wouldn't do it! I was too afraid because we didn't have protection, and I was too cautious, so I didn't give it to her, and I was afraid also because she was swearing, and she never did that before, and Oh-Dear-God I turned her into a sex-crazed monster, and now she's with my best friend instead of me! And I hate them! I HATE THEM BOTH FOREVER!! ! I CAN'T EVEN F***ING GET OFF ANYMORE BECAUSE OF HER! F*** THAT MOTHERF***ING C*** I HATE HER!! !



Sorry for how extreme that was...I really needed to get that out though. Mods, please don't ban me...

Why do people not take depression seriously? There are people who are wanting to end themselves while others make a joke out of it. That's seriously messed up, especially when someone is seeking help and all he/she gets is random bs from people online. And, in real world it's go to a therapist, hotline, hospital, basically same things over and over. Where's the love, people?

I wish everyone would chill out and stop worrying about stupid s**t,

I also wish people would stop thinking I am worthless,

I also wish social norms were not a thing,

I have thought about this for a while now and what is the appropriate level of seriousness you would like to see from people?

Some people laugh over crying so in what way are you seeing people make fun of it that offends you? The help that available sucks but what exactly would you like to see change? There is absolute no way that hospitals can prevent suicide, literally the only reason they are there is to give some extra time to reconsider. If someone is hell bent on dying, they are gonna follow whatever pattern leads to that goal. You can keep someone all you want, they can smile everyday and be happy and kill themselves the moment they are given the chance, I have seen it.

There really isn't a cure all,

I felt sad when I read a letter in Dear Abby a couple of days ago. It was about a bright, high functioning young man with autism who was never told of his condition by his parents. This young man seemed very smart and knows something is different. No doubt, he has probably read a great deal about it already and knows the problem. Everyone tells him he's just fine the way he is, but he doesn't feel fine. I can relate, because I have felt different all of my life, but never had an explanation why. I feel sad that one day this bright young man, who could make a great contribution in life with the right help, will kill himself and the next letter I read could be his sister talking about his funeral. So sad.

. I see your point in the last few sentences you wrote. You made me think about who I would be talking to in this rant, bullies and abusers. Though, this post is about ranting so I am safe in saying this in ranting.

^ fair enough,

On that topic, ranting that is, I haven't really done much other then self harm upon returning home. Its 3:00 am, I kind of want to talk but I don't know what about, end of the year is almost here and I am not really sure if I want to hang myself to be honest. I am kind of confused on the whole thing, life is s**t, it'll always be s**t. I am not making light of it, sorry if I seem that way. I kind of want to call a hotline really but I don't know what to say really. There is nothing say, there is nothing to say. Nothing changes the facts, nothing changes my s**t personality or choices or even behavior. Social norms are stressing me too in addition to my loud neighbors. I mean s**t I would like to think about hanging myself at 3:00 am in some god damn silence.

Just having someone listening to you can help. Try and just say what comes to mind. I would think there is nothing they haven't heard before.