Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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You plague me with guilt and regret and exacerbate my rigid mindset.

You just can't let go of what has been and move forward.

Never-ending cycles.

To you,

Those small things are everything to me. They tend to be the most thoughtful things. Just like that random smile when it's not needed but it's done because the individual is hurting. I should stop assuming too much from them, but it's understandable that I make that mistake due to how long I've been daydreaming. Sorry. I'm not vanishing/withdrawing again and that'll be a promise; in the end, I care if you're alive and well. I do know you care.

I also made a couple of other stupid assumptions, but I tend to do that. I should have presumed you'd likely have a partner because of how good a "catch" you are (I see different things there with you, like strength, independence, kindness and all that, but I can see the objective things all the same if I bother to look at them, which I usually don't). I don't know this, but the confidence is very high on that one, and I should have realized that one sooner, but those dreams do dream things. I probably wouldn't have spoken to you if I didn't dream, so maybe it's good that I did, as it may have righted some things. Another will be that I'm worthy of your attention to begin with, and yeah, I don't think I am, nor have I ever (that'll be for many humans all the same; I never mentioned that one), but that's another thing entirely. Self-esteem I guess, as I've always felt ugly on the inside, my personality, and that's who we are, which might explain a few things. My dreams again allowed me to talk to you in the face of this, which also might have righted some things.

I'll stop being sappy now and leave you be.

Love,
D

Hey,

I know you read these things now and again, just as you used to all the same, and I'm glad you do. You know I can't really tell you how I feel out in the painful world, and the times I do, I know they upset you. You'll know I'm alright considering everything. I can still say how I feel here regardless of what I can share or not. How I feel is how I feel.

I'll always feel like a burden for the past as you helped me when you should have been focusing on other things, such as your life. You say too many nice things about me, and I have trouble thinking they're real, but I guess you know me since you've always been there.

Love,
D

Dear you,

My regret is that you only saw the worst of me

From me

I really wish I could be of more help or use to you.

I don't feel like we have anything in common anymore. You've lived a whole other kind of life.

Hey,

I'm sorry, but it's how I feel and always have. Yeah, there's never been much left there. I never really left that first hospital and your son wasn't the same one, but you've kept me going, so thank you. You carried it all too and helped me become something akin to a human again. Dad couldn't understand, but we know why that one is; much easier if I was like him for me, but I won't take that exchange.

I wish I could take your illness and pain from you.

Love,
D

Dear You,

Please bear with me. I'm doing the best I can right now. It's so much easier to talk in person or even in written form. You know I'm awful on the phone and I'm awful with feelings, but I do miss you and I want things to be better. I'm just as frustrated as you are, in more ways than one.

Please wait for me.

I need to let go before I sink my own ship

To you,

I love you.

Regardless of anything and for everything.

Not really unsent, as it's out there for all,
D

You . . .

I know what you did.  You have 24 hours to make things right on your own.  You were nice to me once, so I owe you that much.  If the 24 hours have elapsed with no action on your part, I go to the authorities, present the evidence, sit back, and watch what happens.  This is your only warning.

. . . Me

You,

The pressure makes me feel demoralised and disillusioned, and puts a damper on the little I've managed to achieve. I don't want the red carpet royal treatment either. Just a little guidance and genuine support and empathy, and if failing that, I just wish to be left alone.

Me.

Hey,

You make me laugh. Amazingly so. I guess that answered my assumption though. No, you don't know her, and I don't think she'd see me as you do there, just saying, as I likely caused too much pain there (sorry). I guess I've caused it with you all the same, but different types (sorry). You have far too much bias, and in person tends to paint that painting a little different than words, and doing things in that painful but mostly peaceful world likely builds things differently. It's just my hopes and wishes there. Just feelings. She's helped me far more than she'd know, and I'd like her to know how I feel for that.

Thanks for checking on me though. It makes me happy seeing you more mobile and in less pain (that'll be an understatement).

Love,
Son

Hey (to you),

I wish I could have showed my love to you, and that gentleness I apparently have. Just feeling those regrets, sorry, and my biggest one will come running to you here.

Love,
D

Hey,

I'm just gonna smile.

Love,
D