Rants

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Even when all the bad things are in the past, and there's nothing in the present to make you unhappy, is it strange to still feel unhappy?

Is it strange to still get upset, and
scared, and afraid, about something that happened a long time ago?

I sometimes still get upset about things that happened a long time ago. You're not alone. *hugs*

^ if you are still thinking about what happened, those things are not in the past.
Your mind translates your thoughts about a past event as happening now because it doesn't know the difference between a thought and reality and will connect your thoughts with an emotion.

Think of something that made you angry, you will feel anger.
Think of something that made you sad, you will feel sadness.
Those things aren't happening now, but they may as well be.
As I've said before, the subconscious mind is a dumbass.
It reminds me a bit of IOS

My dad says that stealing money from me is in my best interest

get as much of your money as you can and don't look back. sounds like your brother got some of his unkindness from your father. what does your mom say?

She is very sick and can't talk

And for the record, I am not looking back.

My whole life, I'll never look back.

I am leaving one way or another.

very sorry about your mom.

Yeah I am being told how much I want her to die right now,

There is point when it stops hurting, there is point you can almost die on the interstate and bleed all over the street and not feel anything, its amazing to me that state of mankind.

I don't like being taken advantage of. I can't tell the difference between genuine "lightheartedness" and a mean joke.

Even if it's all in "good fun," people like that irritate me. I do not find humor in your humor.

I am tired. My head is sore. I don't wanna do anything.

Why can't I do anything?

Had more to write, did not finish. I don't finish anything. When was the last time I finished something?

If that was directed at my above comment then I agree actually,

My dad is very passive aggressive and what you described is how he communicates all the time.

If not then disregard, I am recovering from a lot of trauma right now.

Was not, was directed at some people from my school.

But, I am sending hugs from the hug department.

(((hug)))) \ /

I guess some of the passive aggressiveness from my dad is bleeding over into me, I'll try to avoid that. Its just he is very hard to talk to.

Yes I know I just made that about me, I know, its just wow, the last few days.

I don't really see how that's passive agressive? But whatevah...

I don't really quite understand what's going on, but it sounds like... really intense.

But, like, you go. For doing things. It's is a something that takes, like, initiative and patience and a lot of stuff to do.

So, so yeah.

Here the recap,

My whole life I let people walk all over me and do what everyone wants, horrible environment, threats, drugs, people using people, stealing, violence, etc. I had a semi stable childhood but it was also sucky, I isolated all of 2016 in the hopes that I could survive in the midst of chaos and I can't. I have dealt with traumatic events my whole adult life and a good bit of my childhood. Straight up traumatizing events, people hurting people in homelessness, people literally ruining peoples lives for a dime of drugs or $5. I live in the projects and before that I was homeless, my dad is verbally abusive, my brother was sexually abusive, people in my neighbor are... verbally, physically and sexually abusive actually.

Objectively, my life is horrible.

But... Objectively, I am the only one who can fix it, I left an abusive home and became homeless and now its more of the same. I need to leave but I need to do it right and in a way in which the cycle won't repeat and the way to do that is to not do it for anyone but myself. Part of the environment might be my fault, I certainly don't want to place blame anywhere but one thing that is true is I am to blame for staying.

As for the last three days, it was nothing but more of the same. I almost died this time but I saw what needed to change when I was dying actually. I go numb in traumatic events so my thoughts tend to wonder. I couldn't even tell you what happened, all I know is I was dying and there were sirens in the back ground. I was drunk and down a few bottles of pills, I was trying to make it to a bridge and it went numb.

But all this drama happened because I seeked help at the first part of the year and broke isolation, I found my heart and that is that I don't want to deal with this crap everyday which I did in 2016, high as kite I might add, I want out. I was upset because I didn't want to lose the relationship (which is unhealthy) with my parents but I did and that was rock bottom for me but I found in that, a better reason to live, for myself.

I want to leave so that I can heal,

I feel like I have fought a war

terrible dream, moh reworking memory, find out everyone got paid but not me who sold that, infuriating
lets not explain, you cant not abuse that
next;

a nice allegation, an offering in a symbolic showdown,
but but in a world who dramatically misinterprets that, for material or should be said carnal, drama and re-inforcement, even, or specially the mis-leaders!