Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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You . . .

Every truth I tell draws attention away from all the lies you tell.  Jealous much?

. . . Me

Thankyou, and I'm sorry.

Hey,

Thanks. I don't deserve it, nor feel like it's even for me (that's how my brain goes with that self-hatred). Thank you again. I won't forget.

I'm sorry for everything, and I always will be, just as I won't forget your kind acts.

Love,
D

Ever since you passed away from cancer 3 months ago I have missed you so much it hurts. I really need you back. I'm glad I have other relatives for love and support but I still need you. I never thought I would ever lose you, I thought you'd live til you're 100. I just can't believe you are gone forever and I've got to live the rest of my life without you by my side. It's hard. Very hard. Sometimes I don't feel like carrying on. Sometimes I just want to stay in bed and watch DVDs all day, where I can take my mind off life and society. Sometimes going to work is mentally draining, and I used to love my job. I still do but I just can't seem to feel satisfied with it at the moment. I feel bored and tired there.
You often appear in my dreams; sometimes as if I'd never lost you, sometimes you're still alive battling cancer and I'm screaming for you to not leave me, and sometimes you are depressed. But you are there. It's why I want to sleep a lot. Some would call me lazy, but I call it a way of escaping real life and getting to see you. Sometimes we cuddle and you tell me you'll never leave me. Then I wake up and you aren't there. I have my boyfriend. I have my pets. I have my dad. I have my brother. I have my grandmother. I have my aunts, uncles and cousins, and extended family, all supporting me. But there's still a huge gap in my life. You were a huge part of my life, we have always been so close and have always understood each other. You were always there, always supporting me with everything I ever done. All you did was make sure I was safe, well and happy. You put me first before yourself. You put everyone first before yourself.
Then cancer took a hold of you. The NHS failed you. Doctors dismissed your pain as other things, until it was too late. So cruel. There should be a cure for all stages of cancer. A cure that doesn't make you lose all your hair or make you vomit. If I had intelligent scientific knowledge, I would find a cure for cancer. I would have before you died.
You lived your last couple of years of your life coping through this pandemic. The pandemic took away my time to spend with you. I wasn't allowed to drive over and spend a night by your side, to kiss you or cuddle you. It was heartbreaking. Now the restrictions are being lifted, I cannot happily spend lost time with you. I feel angry about it. I just want to cry for you forever but it's not worth it, because it won't bring you back. I just have to deal with it instead. Sometimes I feel numb with it all. And it's not like me to feel numb, which is why I get mentally exhausted.

I love you forever and ever, wherever you are.

^ (((Joe90)))

Oh, Joe ...

That was so, so beautiful.

I hope you keep writing to her.

Hey,

I've never been brave, as to be brave you need to have fear. I only have fear afterwards. I just do what I do in those things because it's what I do. You just don't think, rather do. I'll give you that breath of life and feel calmness, hold you against me in recovery and smile as I see good vitals, I'll run to a trashed car to see if everyone is alright and do what I can, and I'll stand there without worry of the incoming and assess the situation without fear. Because that's the man I am. Yeah, I should have worked in an ED, and my lack of attachment to random citizens wouldn't affect me afterwards.

The man I am also fears simply meeting another human he has attachment to because the emotions create fear. I'd be a brave man if I did that when the chances were there.

I'm a coward actually, as danger is often subjective. Maybe it's the autism [combined with some other things], because I see a pattern there; yeah, it's the autism and some other things working with it. Fear of social and emotional, and feeling too much over them.

Love,
Son

Hey again,

You aren't a burden, seriously, and everyone saying they feel sorry for me likely assume too much about me. Yes, I am emotionally vulnerable in my own ways, but I'm resilient in others. I get by, as I always do. Yeah, I'd rather face many a thing than seeing you suffer, but that's just because I have that connection to you, so I feel too much (which sometimes isn't the best thing, but I am how I am, for good or bad), but I get through it. You're the one suffering, remember that. You haven't stopped me from doing anything I've wanted. Well, I guess I probably would be a PMC (*cough* merc *cough*), which you know, but it's probably better I'm not. I can still go exploring in the woods, hunting and whatnot (which have always been the main things I like doing), and I'm disabled all the same so I was never going to be what others think I should have been due to my intelligence. Their expectations shouldn't be there anyway; we all do what we can do ourselves, and others shouldn't put that on us. Whether schooling, work and/or relations. I don't care, because that's how I am, but it can affect others and make them feel like they've failed to live up to those that put the expectations on them.

I kinda feel like the burden, and I know you'll say I'm not.

Love,
Son

Hey (to you),

I haven't even seen you, what you look like, for close to a decade now, and I don't really care. I associate you with how you made and make me feel that entire time. There'd never be a human as good looking as that, which sounds corny, and is maybe due to those connections I form (they're only formed for good reason), but it's how I feel with you. You could be disfigured and I wouldn't care other than sad for how it makes you feel and what caused it.

Maybe I'm a little odd, but maybe not.

Love,
D

Hey blue,

Valentine's to you. I wrote a poem and everything for you, but I feel and no doubt look like too much of an obsessed love-struck stuck-in-love weirdo as is, so I'll just say Valentine's, and it's the same thing anyway and gets my feelings across to you.

Love (sorry about this. One-sided daydreaming, desires and devotion will do that to one like me) and care,
D

To you,

I'd like to clear it all up in a simple manner without any metaphor, just in case any assumptions were there. For healing is why I'll post this one.

I vanished in late 2016/early 2017, as I had one of those mental breakdowns I have (happened again late last year and is ongoing now, but doing a lot better), and I went that one alone because I felt like a burden if I asked for help from you (a choice I shouldn't have taken without asking). I walked alone other than with you and my mother in my dreams and thoughts (my mother couldn't help me with this one), outside of some professional help. That took a few years off my life. I came back when I was able to talk to others again, late 2019, but I wasn't ready. Enter 2021, and there I was. November tends to do that for me for some reason.

I had that devotion and love there the entire time, but I was too afraid to go through with due to life stuff. You'll mostly know why that one is now, and why I chose the dreams over reality. I've sorta healed from that one, but sorta healed can often be too late. That's it. Seems like less of my life is taken with each one, which I guess is a good thing.

I'm sorry for this.

(I'll really stop bothering you now.)

Love (I'll always be around for you regardless),
D

To you who I don't know other than probably walking past you at school,

The best move is to have never have tried to win the Queen of the bus to begin with, even though I'm happy for you that you did because you would have had to given everything and she'd make you feel good [for now], but she's not who you think she is. She's probably still somewhat good looking, so that'd add to your infatuation. I understand how you liked her for so long (I kinda really do there), but I know her better than anyone. She's not a narcissist. She's a full on psychopath, just one of the "good" ones. I can't warn you. I can't tell you. It was over before it began when she saw you as the one to give what she wants, and you wouldn't listen to me anyway (which is understandable). Hopefully you can continue to keep on giving what you do, because you'll need to, and the marriage isn't going to calm it down. Sorry, dude. I'm sure I'll never talk to you unless the Queen makes a fuss about certain things, and I understand why you'll be under her spell, because they're that good.

Sorry again, dude,
D

Hey you,

I feel your pain, and I know you share some of it with me. You have that strength and independence though, and the things you've done by yourself are worthy of great respect and show equal courage. You remind me of the people I consider the strongest.

Love,
D

Dear Dad,

Quit picking fights with me and then threatening to kick me out once I get angry about it.

Also, quit taking so much f**king pride in being a bigot. Yes, you're racist. Yes, you're LGBT-phobic. We know. Now enough with the slurs and derogatory comments.

If I ever want to date a person of color or a woman, you'll need to f**king deal with it or else you're out of my life.

Sometimes, the only thing keeping me from cutting you off once I move out is Mom. I don't want to hurt her, but you're so damn toxic sometimes!! !

-Snowy

Hey you,

You're very caring and helpful, which are more of those admirable traits I see (I admire you, so you know), and you do what you can even when it's hard for you (I know it's been hard for you to see me around, and thank you truly for showing your care and helping me when I've been feeling so bad).

Love,
D

Dear old friend,

Goodbye.
Be well. And live a long and fulfilling life.

Love,
An old friend.

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