Rants

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I guess I can sort of understand how someone can be in so much pain that they do desperate things like for example lie, but this only contributes to pushing people away. when a lie is revealed, I think it's only natural to start questioning everyting from that point on "Is everything a lie?" "What's true and what isn't?" I think I feel betrayd. It makes me hurt and angry.

Ok, I guess despise and pathetic is kind of strong words. The thing is I can't imagine that however much pain I would be in, that I would do such a thing. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I could fall that deep. To a point where you just don't give a s**t anymore. Or maybe it's about trying to push people away, so that they can get a conformation to the feeling of being a terrible person? I don't know.

Well I can cry again.

That is probably good sign.

I am scared of losing my mom without a relationship,

I am so scared of it that its eating me alive,

But I have to remember there is a high power,

If its a higher power wills,

Its pain I feel I cannot bear but I have already felt every other pain,

Maybe its to build me up,

I don't know but its mind numbing,

Everything I have been though,

Losing my mom is more then I can bear,

The hate filled words cut through me like butter,

But maybe there is a reason,

My family has never been great,

Maybe its God's will,

^I don't have contact with my mother. If she gets terminally ill, there is a good possibility I would want to see her. To say goodbye. If she dies suddenly with no warning, I don't know what impact that will have on me.

Sunshine, won't you be my mother
Sunshine, come and help me sing
My heart is darker than these oceans
My heart is frozen underneath

We are crooked souls trying to stay up straight,
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light were
The shadow proves the sunshine

Oh Lord, why did you forsake me?
Oh Lord, don't be far away away
Storm clouds gathering beside me
Please Lord, don't look the other way

Crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light were
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me

Crooked souls trying to stay up straight
Dry eyes in the pouring rain
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Two scared little runaways
Hold fast to the break of day light were
The shadow proves the sunshine
The shadow proves the sunshine

Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me
Yeah Yeah, shine on me

Shine on me,
Let my shadows prove the sunshine

Its hard to pick yourself up after a failure,

Before I would do it for my mom, now, the only reason to live is for myself,

I want to but I don't want to, I want to live without pain but I am losing hope that its possible, everyday, attacks from every angle.

I almost killed myself because I felt I failed people, now I am considering doing it for myself. Maybe I am tired of letting myself down, maybe I should do myself a favor and end it, not for anyone else but for me.

I don't know, I don't know that I am okay, I don't know that I'll be okay.

Don't worry, I won't do anything, I want to live but its the hardest thing I have ever tired to do at this point. I take ten steps backwards for for every step in the right direction I make. I am losing hope

I rarely ever see my mistakes until after I make them if ever.

I don't want to carry on and I don't want to carry on for myself, not for anyone else.

I am failure, I am such a failure not even my own family wants anything to do with me.

Sorry won't do for myself and nor was it enough for anyone else,

I feel that. I guess I have a little more confidence in the future, but my life plans for the next decade failed over the last month. I was living for my cat until 2 years ago, and I am having a hard time with my family right now so they can't sub in. I'm going to find a social situation, period. A long time ago, a friend said I was lucky to be so poor that I had to live with roommates, because he was sure I would go off the rails living alone. Well, I got sick of people and lived alone for a decade and sure enough I got sick of myself.

I'm just going to have to learn to love the side of other people that makes me sick. Obviously. Maybe, maybe I can then learn to love the side of myself that makes me sick.

You know...

I have the balls to admit my mistakes,

Yeah using drugs to cope was mistake, yeah getting drunk was a mistake, calling my parents when they are emotional was... a mistake.

I have the balls to admit my mistakes to my parents,

But not a God damn person admits their mistakes to me so there.

Why doesn't some one look in the mirror for change

You know, admitting when you're wrong is a sign of maturity. You might not be a failure like you think. Sure, you struggle in certain areas, but that doesn't mean you're bad at everything.

Maybe not..

I don't know, I think it'll be better when I leave.

I just need to stay away from alcohol, I have already been to rehab years ago, I already know that is not a good solution. Its just my parents know me and they know what buttons to press to bring out the worst in me and that is their goal. They want me to look like a loose cannon so they can steal my money.

So...

Today I stop drinking, forever.

I thought I made that commitment before but evidently not, as my old friend who I have shared some drinks with said, there is no limit to the pain and if we can't cope sober then there is no way we can cope intoxicated. Obviously I was less then stable behind a year of drug use, it only masks the pain on the surface.

Nope, I am gonna have to feel this pain, I am going to have to feel every cut and every word.

My parents are some pretty s**t people but I am too so I'll reap what I sow until I sow better things

Last edited by dcj123 on 25 Jan 2017, 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Edit - Kill me

what happened?

I am okay...

Nothing happened, my phone rang a few times...

Then it rang private a few times and now its silent.

Cathylynn...

I am having a rough time and I am not gonna lie, I have been pretty hopeless this morning.

I meet with a pastor actually whos son killed himself on drugs, hit close to home

Is there any hope? I'll fight if there is hope but I don't think there is...

Can I have a hug Cathylynn?

I need one, I need to do something other then smoke here and think about how I'll never see my dying mom again

I would say its not fair but is it fair, its not fair my dad is dick, its not fair that they don't care but is it fair cause I have grown, dealt and brought drugs for years... I have no problem admitting that, there is nothing here now.

But I need hope... Is there hope that I can do this for myself and myself alone?

Last edited by dcj123 on 25 Jan 2017, 2:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Can we just get to the part of being cut down?



I am horrible person and I see that, I would like for someone to kill me now