Rants

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I wish I wasn't invisible.

Aha; THAT's why you don't like attention seekers. They take away attention that should be going to you?


It's so cold in here.

When I go back to school it will be on my terms. I will have no one worrying about if I go out so often will I get my schoolwork done? or any of that. I will have no one asking me questions in an interrogating or paranoid rather than friendly manner to try and find out if and make sure that I'm doing my work or doing well or actually going to the classes or whatever. I'll have nobody telling me I'd better do well because I'm getting older and time is running out for me, or any of that BS. And I don't want to hear them talking on the phone saying "Yes, I hope she succeeds this time." In other words, I really don't think I can move back in with my parents, or even live in residence or have them help me out with school because then I'd have to stay in contact with them and answer their emails when they want, not when I want, and answer boring questions or tell them everything to reassure them (I don't want to have to give reasurance. I'm not running a psychology clinic. I have a life to live.) and it gets really time-consuming.

I don't like ppl reading my posts. I'm entitled to whatever I say. I hate ppl who think the world revolves around them.

I admit I have a problem. I don't know how to give people breaks. I never feel like I've ever been given a break. I don't know how to shut my mouth about people's flaws and keep them inside me and not tell others about them, because my mother told all her relatives I was As and she made me sound like a handicapped social ret*d who really needed her help and support and wanted it and had meltdowns but sweet little neurologically-impaired Kate really can't help herself, she really still loves Mummy and wants her to be there to teach her how to behave.

I quit, I am done with recovery, I don't care what they dish out for me. I'm getting back my life, my body, my soul and my control. I'm tired of being kept under close watch. I'm sick of pleasing them, because the things that make them happy make me want to die, so I'm done with it, I'm over it, I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore, I don't care anymore. Stupid child.

This has been pissing me off for years now. Usually I'm afraid of being attacked by people on this forum because I sometimes offend people unintentionally but this time I don't think I have to worry. I don't think there's very many sports fans here, I just recently acquired a taste for it myself, so I probably won't receive any crap from this. If I do, then

I'm so tired of people taking sports so damn seriously. People act so f*cking stupid when they talk about their favorite teams. These people act like their team is so perfect and all other teams are too incompetent to play the sport. And when their team loses, they make the sorriest excuses like "The other team was cheating," "The other team payed off the referees," or "They only lost because so and so got hurt."

News flash: "YOUR F*CKING TEAM IS NOT PERFECT, THEY WON'T WIN EVERY GAME, AND IF YOUR TEAM LOSES, IT'S BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM PLAYED BETTER!! !! !! !

It is so ridiculous to take sports so seriously. Some people just can't feel good about themselves unless their favorite team wins when it should have nothing to do at all with how a person feels about themselves. I only recently starting watching it, though I only watch college basketball, and I believe I'm the only one that realizes it's just a game.

I hope that my parents understand that after 20 years of living with them and following their rules (or rather, their unpredictability) I'm entitled to some peace. Don't say I'm not entitled to anything if I live off the system or am a bum or whatever. We only live once. They don't even have the right to say I used them for the last two years after I turned 18 because I left once even before then (and my mother would have had her government allowance for me all to herself) and once after (and she promised never to nag me or walk in on me or ask questions or go thru my stuff or pressure me or tell me what to do if I came back, but of course she broke all those promises). Too bad I was 17 before it actually registered in my thick skull that my mother was getting an allowance from the government to support ME. By then she had gotten the last one before I turned 18, I think.

http://www.weather.com.au/sa/adelaide
Nuff said.

i can't stand it i want a drink so badly, i hate it here. everything i say comes out wrong. i cant open up to anyone.

I wish I had been born with a small build and naturally skinny so I could eat and not worry.
I am so tired of this ruling my life.

I feel like I'm making WP a darker place or something. I just go on and on, but I have to. If I' not allowed here, I'll just have to paste all my posts-- all 5000 of them-- onto another board and see what happens there. I want feedback; I don't know enough people who would want to read my blog if I had one.

"Get over it", "let it go", "move on"-- all euphemisms for "Run away from it and it won't catch up with you."

I just want my s**t to be here so that I know that someone somewhere might be empathizing with me. I don't expect everyone to read all my s**t.

Half-arsed rant, as I just woke up.
Pisses me off the way certain male members of WP compliment every single photo posted by the female members in the 'pictures of yourself' style threads. If they did it to ALL the photos, I wouldn't have an issue with it - it'd just come across as being nice to everyone. But as it is, on the rare occasion that I post a compliment on a photo, I invariably delete it when the tide of compliments comes, because... well, it just makes me feel like I'm part of something sad and desperate. Now, I'm not saying the people shouldn't dish out the compliments... but when you tell every single person who posts that they look beautiful, it stops meaning much and ends up looking rather pathetic.

Every girl looks beautiful to them; lots of them are rather desperate.


Now here's Ana's therapy rant of the day.


My father, the same day when I was 14 that he was telling me I now actually looked like a teenage girl after losing weight, said that he doubted I was AS and said I just never developed social freedom and social skills because my mother always kept me inside all to herself and was a snob and never let me go out and mingle with the other kids down the street where a lot of them lived in the cheap apartments near the strip mall. He said later on that day that my overweightness was probably the reason I was unpopular in grade 7 or had no friends in grade 7 or something and I said well there were people way fatter than me at that school who had lots of friends and he said "Well, they have personality or something." It was true, I was a shy little mouse who only spoke up in class when we were having class discussions or with my acquaintances when they talked to me and I was sure I wasn't going to bother them. It killed me to hear that. Because I didn't have much personality, did I...? Well, I thought "I did. I had a little...


My dad hated the fact that I was a wimp and a coward, as did my mom. My dad hated that and got mad at me for it in grade 8, but that was understandable. I mean, not his meanness, but his logic. That I came home and complained but never did a thing about it, never stuck up for myself at school. He didn't know why though, how I felt, my circumstances, so he was still being a piece of s**t in my book. Though this horrible part of me thought OMG he's right I'm a loser I'm a wimp I'm a coward I desreve to be picked on and OMGOMGOMG.


My mother said that I deserved to be picked on because in grade 9 after a being-picked-on incident the principal said I could be switched to the international program but my mother said I should remain in the English program for the rest of the year which was probably over, and I didn't want to and would rather go into the international program and pretend they put me there because I was smart and more advanced in French than them (I was, but not by much). She exclaimed seriously, I think angrily, I think it was yelling, "You deserve to be picked on if you have no courage! You deserve what you get for running away!" Whoa. I didn't know this was a competition.


I was 13 the first time my dad said I always screwed up and when he started calling me hopeless. I think my mother started calling me hopeless when I was 14. If I wasn't so scared he would call me hopeless if I screwed up I would probably have screwed up less. I was so stressed; there was all this homework and they expected us to do it all and I don't know how some of them got such high marks. They were stimulated enough inside or tortured into doing it or something. One term I think we had 40 projects. Plus homework from all our classes, of course.


Once my dad yelled at me and called me names and twice he told my mother I needed it. That it was good discipline or something. That I needed to be shocked into obeying orr doing something right or something. Once my dad said something abotu homework, I think, and my mom said when I came home that day I started on homework right away and he said "See? She needs it." Meaning that I needed to be yelled at with hatred in his voice, cursed, and called names like hopeless, useless, stupid and dysfunctional and inept like my mother, etc. My mother said "No, she always does her homewoek first thign when she gets home." So there. This was in grade 7. I started slacking in grade 8.


Thanks for listening to my presentation.