Rants

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I feel trapped inside a prison, inside my own bubble. I am an alien in a foreign world. I wonder when will my life end? Just like what's the point of me being here? For the past 20 years, my life has been nothing but a crappy soap opera (with some boring breaks in between)

I'll admit I've had some unpleasant times in my life though, I'd never say that my life all these years has been something like a melodramatic lifetime network movie

Maybe I exaggerated a little bit lol (and even for me maybe lifetime network movie is a bit much), but I always felt like a loser with literally zero friends, literally zilch I don't text anyone, who never knew what to say or do at the right time and I felt lost, and I was always looking for my type of people.

I'll be quite sincere in that I fully understand where your coming from as, I hardly ever had any friends even from the time I was in kindergarten and beyond. So, I don't dismiss your unhappiness one bit, In fact there ar times I feel like a peasant in a rice field whom hardly anyone notices.

I wish the tennis commentators would stop yakking already and just let events take their course. Also, I wish they'd shut up about how old the players are.

A small thing that makes me feel angry right away. I just told the firm (via email) what color I wanted on the cabinet under the basin on the bathroom, and he replyed " The cabinet is already ordered and will be delivered on Monday. I'm going to check what colour it is"

Well color wise, it's a mess anyway, so I guess it doesn't make much of a different

Oh and another thing! They have only painted the roof in the kithcen with one coat, and underneath the lighting fixture that was there it was no paint at all, so it was dark brown. Well one coat of white paint, does not cover the dark brown! I wonder if I should say something or not, I probably should.

Kill me

Kill me now

Seriously kill me

I need a bucket actually

My insides are melting

Last edited by dcj123 on 27 Jan 2017, 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

I keep putting it off, like the Doomsday Clock.

Not killing you, of course, killing me. I mean, it's a sunny day. I could go outside and enjoy it and then kill myself later. Why not? Then I find some other excuse.

It's an inside out way of viewing my thought process, but not inaccurate, not really inaccurate.

Sometimes when I feel much shame, I think about what it would be like to be admitted in a psych ward. Then I feel deep relief thinking that I would never let anyone in.

Sometimes when I feel the pain of rejection, the acknowledgement of "I don't deserve love" comes as a deep relief, and the pain of rejection goes away.

Sometimes when I feel much emotional pain I loose my appetite. Then I think what if I get very thin, and I feel shame from the thought that other people will be able to see that I'm not doing well.

I can understand some of that Froya, as I have felt at times I'm not worthy of one's romantic feelings towards for, that I've not done such a good job of trying to make such scenarios work, whereby I feel it's best others enjoy the beauty of having someone love you or simply being in love..

I'm sorry that you feel that way. Seems like you have much to give, you have certainly given me much, and you are nice to everyone. The world is unfair.

That's okay Froya as nothing in life stays the same, as one day said scenario might change though, I don't go out of my way to try to facilitate such.

I can't afford professional help. Even if I know someone who's capable of assessing this, I won't tell it to anyone who had actually known of me.
It's no different from not taking you seriously for being too high functioning. Well, at this case, I'm too 'fortunate' to be taken seriously since I don't actually 'have' a 'problem' except that it's just me. People simply would tell that I 'should be grateful', that I'm 'lucky', that I have 'no real problems'...

Seriously. What kind of a person who can't get used to or outright reject contentment?
Why can't I just become a spoiled selfish egocentric brat who disregards at people's worries and refuses to move beyond that? Even though that's a bad thing. And I don't exactly wish to be a good samaritan either.

feel like puking

Perhaps you are describing what Catholics call "scrupulosity"?
That's when someone thinks everything is a sin, even innocent things.
Some people say scrupulosity comes from pride.
I would say it comes from fear,
maybe a fear that you need to be perfect.
Well, nobody's perfickt ! !!

Or maybe I've got this wrong, in which case,
you're welcome to disregard my guess.

Anyways ...
The cure I prescribe:
Go watch some cute cat videos and feel better?