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the_phoenix
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27 Jan 2017, 7:33 pm

FreakyZettairyouiki wrote:

feel like puking

There's a nasty bug going around ...
Get well soon!

the_phoenix
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27 Jan 2017, 7:39 pm

Froya wrote:

Sometimes when I feel the pain of rejection, the acknowledgement of "I don't deserve love" comes as a deep relief, and the pain of rejection goes away.

Sometimes when I feel much emotional pain I loose my appetite. Then I think what if I get very thin, and I feel shame from the thought that other people will be able to see that I'm not doing well.

Well, so who does deserve love, after all?
You deserve love as much as anybody else does.
The people doing the rejecting should realize this ... shame on them.

Once in awhile, I may feel unable to eat too.
That soon passes.
I like to eat when I'm hungry,
simple as that.

kazanscube
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27 Jan 2017, 7:40 pm

FreakyZettairyouiki wrote:

feel like puking

I sincerely feel bad that your feeling nauseous, much hope for your well being to be restored soon

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Edna3362
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27 Jan 2017, 8:05 pm

the_phoenix wrote:

Edna3362 wrote:

Claradoon wrote:

Edna3362 wrote:

Claradoon wrote:

What's in your conscience?

The problem. :lol:

The emotion of guilt. I want to overcome it.

I want my conscience to loosen up a bit, but nope. Even with people's consent and blessings, I cannot 'take' anymore or wanting to receive any blessings.

And I cannot 'give' either. What am I supposed to 'give' if I truly don't want to in the first place? Or heck, the act of giving itself gives me guilt for whatever reason.

I don't know

I hate guilt.

That sounds like a problem that needs professional help. Have you tried?

I can't afford professional help. :lol:

Even if I know someone who's capable of assessing this, I won't tell it to anyone who had actually known of me.
It's no different from not taking you seriously for being too high functioning. Well, at this case, I'm too 'fortunate' to be taken seriously since I don't actually 'have' a 'problem' except that it's just me. People simply would tell that I 'should be grateful', that I'm 'lucky', that I have 'no real problems'...

Seriously. What kind of a person who can't get used to or outright reject contentment?
Why can't I just become a spoiled selfish egocentric brat who disregards at people's worries and refuses to move beyond that?

Even though that's a bad thing. And I don't exactly wish to be a good samaritan either.

Perhaps you are describing what Catholics call "scrupulosity"?
That's when someone thinks everything is a sin, even innocent things.
Some people say scrupulosity comes from pride.
I would say it comes from fear,
maybe a fear that you need to be perfect.
Well, nobody's perfickt ! ! !

Or maybe I've got this wrong, in which case,
you're welcome to disregard my guess.

Anyways ...
The cure I prescribe:
Go watch some cute cat videos and feel better?

If my PC has a net, I would've gone straight to the cat videos. I'm on tab and it's very not reliable especially with the batteries.

Pride and fear... Of making mistakes?

But I've done so many mistakes and laughed at it and never felt any shed of pride or shame to it. The word 'taboo' or 'sin' never flashes on my mind. Not even worry.
I'm not afraid of committing mistakes. If fact, I wanted to commit more mistakes so someone could at least give me a scolding that would at least shaken me. I got nothing so far.
And I have no 'excuse' to leave everyone behind, not even by persuasion. But I need one, and I would if I could. I had enough with anyone's 'worry'.

.. Well, I couldn't even take my own boss's lecture seriously. Even my own mom's. Or myself. Because it always ends or implies with the word 'lucky'.

And my guilt has something to do with involving with people, not my own actions or desires or what I have.
If there's no one else involved, I would've left my place without conscience getting on the way only because no one would be worried.
When it comes to blessings, it must not be from someone. I want to earn it. When giving blessings, said person must not remember me or make an impression out of me.

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the_phoenix
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27 Jan 2017, 8:43 pm

Edna3362 wrote:

If my PC has a net, I would've gone straight to the cat videos. I'm on tab and it's very not reliable especially with the batteries.

Pride and fear... Of making mistakes?

Well, I still hope somehow you can watch cat videos. Or even just look at pictures of them with funny comments or phrases written next to them.

Okay, thanks for explaining.
Sometimes, being human, and I notice myself doing this ...
if I have nothing to worry about ... my mind will go find something to worry about anyways.
Is that what you're describing?
Like, you think you should be content, but you're not?

Or is it more that,
you don't want your contentment to depend on other people,
you prefer to be highly independent?

I can understand if
you don't want people making a big fuss over you
or drawing attention to you, especially if they go over the top and make it obvious ...
that can get embarrassing.
And in some cases, it makes you question people's motives ...
like, are they trying to make themselves look better
by making a big deal about you?
Like, these other people are the ones who really want the attention,
so they make a spectacle of you?

Sometimes, you just want to live your own life, right?
In peace and quiet ...

dcj123
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28 Jan 2017, 12:08 am

f**k,

Goodbye Cruel World,

I did the best I could :cry:

kazanscube
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28 Jan 2017, 12:53 am

dcj123 wrote:

f**k,

Goodbye Cruel World,

I did the best I could :cry:

It's not over till the fat lady sings..

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Edna3362
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28 Jan 2017, 2:00 am

the_phoenix wrote:

Edna3362 wrote:

If my PC has a net, I would've gone straight to the cat videos. I'm on tab and it's very not reliable especially with the batteries.

Pride and fear... Of making mistakes?

More or less all of the above. :lol:

Haha yes. A life of my own... Even if it's a hard and a harsh one, I'll take it. But worried people wouldn't let me, and their worries makes me hesitate. I want to leave them.

However, with the culture I grew up, I'm not sure if it's possible. People here are born connected to a wide social network of family, friends, acquaintances... It's not easy to remain alone here unless you never, ever leave or appear before anyone, or to the point that your name is never mentioned by anything or anyone.
And... I want to be out of that connection. I want people to forget me so I could go as I please.

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dcj123
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28 Jan 2017, 2:29 am

dcj123
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28 Jan 2017, 2:58 am

f**k THIS f*****g s**t TO f*****g HELL

This s**t ain't going to be pretty, here it is, its censored and you have been warned :evil:

dcj123's rant, street style wrote:

I never got a f*****g chance, I never had a f*****g chance,

My life was f****d before I can even write a f*****g coherent sentence or get a general idea of my surrounding, nobody taught f*****g s**t, I learned everything the f*****g hard way. f**k people, taking advantage of me being f****d so they f**k me even more and then turn around and say I am not independent, b***h I have independent before I even knew what f*****g independent was. I would like some f*****g people try and judge me. f**k EM, when I was living on the street, b*****s acting like it was breeze, no it wasn't. There were times I wanted to f*****g give up, there were times it f*****g hurt so bad there was no f*****g hope and now I have motherf***ers calling my f*****g sanity into question. When I have built every f*****g thing I have from the ground up. People saying I want lay around and do f*****g drugs and be lazy and s**t acting like I haven't worked for s**t when I f*****g have. When I was working every f*****g day just to keep from be f*****g murdered. Haters don't know s**t and they can't f*****g relate to me and my path. And rejection? f**k rejection, how about trying to not get f*****g beat. Trying waking up in a homeless shelter and rebuild you life and then tell me I am in the wrong, I am so tired of b*****s telling me my problems. No one told me f*****g s**t, I found it all out the hard way. I went to college, me, no one placed me there and I didn't get a f*****g gov hand out nor did my parents pay for that f*****g s**t. I paid my fines, me, no one bailed me out of some f*****g BS, I did, me. I got into an apartment, me, I did, on my own. I applied for disability, me, I did, no one else and those f*****s that denied me can kiss my ass. They know nothing of what it feels like in my shoes and they keep me down for years when I had this s**t documented, I did, me, no one else. So I would like to see some b***h walk up to me and say I haven't tired. No one has a f*****g idea what it feels like to be me.

No one has a f*****g idea what it feels like to be me.

No one bails me out of s**t, I did it myself and I felt every f*****g mistake and I felt every f*****g failure.

And on that note, I am going to go destroy some s**t

jrjones9933
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28 Jan 2017, 3:21 am

Calling someone an idiot will get you sympathy, but demonstrating that someone is an idiot will get you criticized. That's overstating matters a little, and here I go off the rant rails into something less heated, but whatever. This is a good place to put this thought.

One incident won't result in that outcome, but what about the effect of repeated occurrences? A person who consistently throws around baseless slurs can get a reputation as troubled and confused, but a person who dissects a vacuous cavity shows focused intent and a bit of ruthlessness. I guess it's a fair assessment in some sense and a deeply unfair assessment at the same time.

It would be a bit unrealistic of me to think that people give both the insult and the evisceration equal probative value and get upset about that, although nothing in the responses will prevent the real idiot from taking such a view.

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Raleigh
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28 Jan 2017, 7:03 am

I wish someone could tell me with certainty that everything will be ok.
But no one can know, can they?
The uncertainty is what terrifies me.
I find myself having thoughts like, "Should I waste money on new shoes that I'm not going to get decent wear out of?"
Should I bother renewing annual memberships?
Should I bother with relationships?
Really, what's the point?

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jrjones9933
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28 Jan 2017, 9:47 am

I guess that if someone is behaving idiotically, then no one can comment on it, because demonstrating idiocy is treated the same as using low intelligence as a baseless insult. Lovely.

Not that it's unusual. One day, at band practice, the bassist was telling me and the guitarist about the ways he was continuing to demonstrate his love for his ex-wife. I listened to what he was saying, evaluated it from a perspective that was different from his, and said, "Dude, you're a stalker."

The bass player freaked, as expected, and the guitarist also started shouting at me, "You can't say that."

"But it's true. He just described stalking her!"

"YOU STILL CAN'T SAY IT"

Maybe I'll never learn. Someone might eventually benefit from me pointing out something obviously true which everyone doesn't say because it would be insulting in some sense. Who knows?

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Froya
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28 Jan 2017, 11:45 am

kazanscube wrote:

That's okay Froya as nothing in life stays the same, as one day said scenario might change though, I don't go out of my way to try to facilitate such.

If there where a local meet up (group) for high functional autism would you consider going? Maybe you could meet someone likeminded at such a place

Froya
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28 Jan 2017, 11:53 am

Raleigh wrote:

I wish someone could tell me with certainty that everything will be ok.
But no one can know, can they?

No, I'm affraid no one can know that. I'm sorry

Living with all the uncertainties in life is a very though thing about being a human. We are also the only living beings that have to live with the knowledge that we are going to die one day. It's not a question of if, but a question of when. We are all very brave for living with that knowledge.

kazanscube
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28 Jan 2017, 12:04 pm

Froya wrote:

kazanscube wrote:

That's okay Froya as nothing in life stays the same, as one day said scenario might change though, I don't go out of my way to try to facilitate such.

If there where a local meet up (group) for high functional autism would you consider going? Maybe you could meet someone likeminded at such a place

Froya, I've looked into this issue and there is no local groups where autistic people can meet up to do things and socialize, in that the only thing I had come across was a support group for autistic teenagers and I'm not a teenager, far from it in fact, though there is no support groups for autistic adults.

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