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^ drink some milk if you have any.

I just made myself eat 'breakfast', now I remember why I don't eat in the mornings

Everything tastes so intense, it's disgusting. Like one bite of cucumber was just , I can't. My senses are too sharp.

I finished it though, all 96 calories of it. Just have to work on not throwing up.

f**k

I need to sleep,

I am straight up hallucinating from lack of sleep,

I know because I have been this way before, not crazy, its not full blown hallucinations, just corner of the eye s**t and very very f*****g surreal images.

I got another email. Dad called the ambulance in the middle of the night. Mom now has pneumonia, rather than a cold.

I have worked out a lot of my dismay and fury and confusion here, over the past weeks. The hits just keep coming, though, as a result of their choices. I know they are just a cog in the machine, and old as f**k, and brought up wrong, apparently, but I turned out alright. Somehow, I have to be the least aggrieved lefty in the USA if I go visit Texas. No, I have to appear utterly without grievance. I have to maintain a cool facade no matter what.

People say I'm high functioning, but they don't know me the way I know me. Hell, my own parents have a terrible record of making predictions about how I will react to things. My Dad will see my lack of a response, and take it as permission to escalate, maybe. There's no reason to expect that this visit would turn out the same as every other visit, right?

It's basically going to take me hearing someone say how much safer they feel, now, to send me into shutdown. That would be fine, as such; I can handle a shutdown, and even make a grimace that will fool most people into thinking I'm smiling. I'm super high f*****g functioning, as they say.

I'm so high functioning - let me clear up any doubts about the ironic way I'm using the term, because I get pissed off when people expect me to be an NT because they diagnose me as high functioning even after I have tried to explain the differences - so high that I can navigate myself out of situations if I feel like a shutdown will turn into a meltdown. The more memorable instances involve walking very, very long distances, and the biggest problem is deflecting somehow, so that no one freaks out too bad. This probably has elements of a power play, and it feels very like the evolution of another part of my psyche.

When I was a kid, and I was doing a math problem, and you tried to talk to me at all, I would freak out on you. Growing up, this defense mechanism started to get more articulate, but would basically say whatever it took to make you stfu. I'm doing math; what part of that don't you understand? At some point, I noticed this, and examined it, and decided that mechanism needed improvement. I had agreed to do some unpleasant things without due consideration, and said some rather mean stuff.

So, finding the calmest way to get the hell away from people who won't leave me well enough alone at significant cost to myself may remain an imperfect substitute for more social fluency, or ability to put up with asshats, or whatever I lack, BUT it's my best policy so far.

Maybe I'm wrong, and they will quit this time, but I'm not. They are in rough shape, and I am in rough shape, and I really think I'm not ready to stop avoiding them yet. Filial piety matters, but I don't think I can even pull that off well. It feels convenient to take this position, but I have had a lot going on in my personal life, and there is a lot going on in the world. I have made an effort to find some kind of balance, and I felt things were going well. This may be too big a challenge.

I don't want to go there to help, and end up losing what I've regained of my sanity, or causing more stress for them than I relieve. Those two outcomes dominate the field from where I sit, after considering what to do for a couple of hours.

Maybe try eating something else for breakfast, something with a "milder" taste. I prefer something sweet for breakfast, and so did my grandmother.

Cucumber tastes like s**t anytime of the day if you ask me

We're on to bronchitis, now. Dad's saying I don't need to come, before I offered, so... okay.

Really, I can't tell if this is one of those situations where he's supposed to say that, and I'm supposed to book a flight anyway, but if they can't remember that I have autism, then there's always a risk that I'll take them at their word. Crazy.

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it?
I will not leave alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like it's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

No one will ever see
This side reflected
And if there's something wrong
Who would have guessed it?
And I have left alone
Everything that I own
To make you feel like
It's not too late
It's never too late

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late

The world we knew
Won't come back
The time we've lost
Can't get it back
The life we had
Won't be ours again

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong

Even if I say
It'll be alright
Still I hear you say
You want to end your life
Now and again we try
To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late
Maybe we'll turn it all around
'Cause it's not too late
It's never too late (It's never too late)
It's not too late
It's never too late

Haha, I picked cucumber because it was the mildest thing I could think of. I love it normally, it was quite a shock to find it so horrible this morning.

I will persevere with my efforts, I'm trying to be more sensible about food. So maybe I'll try something sweet tomorrow

Oatmeal? I digest it well, compared to toast.

f**k

^ have you come here to swear out of courtesy?

how's the hand?

No actually I am having problems related to PTSD,

Hand looks fine, red and burned but not peeling so its probably fine it just has that dull nerve pain feel that you get when you burn yourself but actually I may need to go. PTSD has me f****d and I am not communicating well evidently so I am f*****g it all right now to some heavy metal as usual and might go smoke. I don't know, its been all day though so I would hate to screw that up plus its night time in the hood so I don't know I want to venture out to our local super mart which is actually a gas station cause 8 mile lulz.

^ Sink into the music, you've made it this far through the day.
got any herbal teas or anything to help you get to sleep?

Well my mom jacked some of my kitchen supplies lulz

I think I said a bit ago, I am kinda lacking anything large enough to really hold enough for tea.

I did find a kettle though... its broke (typical) but you can bowl water in it and I made tea last night so that is what I'll do again but... you can't really leave that unattended so brb.

^ lol, if I was in the US I'd order you a pizza right now.

Any chance you could get your hands on a cheap teapot? You can get them for like £1 here if you're not fussy about quality/design

EDIT: that wasn't a lol at your PTSD by the way. Sorry.

Last edited by racheypie666 on 03 Feb 2017, 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Maybe a resale shop, if you know what to look for.

I see a lot of kitchen wares in thrift stores here, and I recently helped out at a wedding by buying them a bunch of flower vases for really no money at all. I suggested that they donate them back, afterwards.