my mom killed herself today.

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Oh, Lord, I know that feeling. It shows how sick she was, that her love for you was overwhelmed by such horrible feelings of grief. She lived a long time for you, when she felt she had nothing else to live for. It's like she was standing in deep water, just able to breath, and you were her breath. You can't blame her, or yourself, that the waves came in and overwhelmed her.

I'm a mother, and I also suffer from a depressive illness. I know, as a mother, that she loved you, even when she couldn't remember anything else. In her misery she might even have been thinking that it would be better for you if she were gone. But whatever else she felt, she loved you. I'm sorry that she's gone, but please know that her love is never gone.

Take care - BE. My cousins' mother killed herself when they were preteens. Which at least testifies, it does pass.

thank you for your positive wishes.

we did a lot of cleaning and sorting in her apartment today. i made a decision not to take anything for myself from there, except for the cat i mentioned and a charm bracelet (both were for my daughter. the charm bracelet was also promised to my girl, which i forgot).

i even bought new cat stuff like food dishes and a litter box. i know i'm just being weird, but i just couldn't feel like i had her consent to take stuff. i know it doesn't make sense, but it felt wrong. she had some art that i made for her, which i am donating to a thrift store for someone to discover.

i had drawn an oil pastel picture for her about 8 years ago. it was a drawing of a poppy that was growing on the side of her old house. when i was an older child and teenager i used to tend her flower garden. we had planted brightly coloured opium poppies once and for at least 10 years afterward they would return and go to seed. eventually the flowers reverted to the original variety, which was peach with lavender centres.

when i first went to her house to clean it out after she had died, my art was directly facing the door, so it was the first thing every visitor saw. it caught my breath to see it like that, immediately in front of me. in her old apartment my art was on the wall but less visible.

i wondered if she hoped i would see how she displayed my art while she was still alive, but she had lived in the apartment since march of this year and i had not yet visited. i saw her at family gatherings, but did not go to her new place because i could not handle it yet. so the first time i saw the place was after she died, and that breaks my heart.

i have so much to work through, and i hope that nobody is offended that i have been discussing it here. it is helping me a lot to articulate my impressions in writing, and i am not very well-spoken in person.

This is the place to discuss it. The impression I got from where your mom put your art is that she really loved you. It just seems like she was too ill to express it properly.

for what its worth you have my condolences

Last edited by Titangeek on 07 Dec 2010, 9:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am also sorry for your loss.

eventually you may ask yourself......could i have done more..... the answer to that is no. your writings show how much you cared for your mom.

my mom was also tortured of spirit and took massive quantities of drugs and had many rounds of ect. i really never knew her. she was so manic as to be dangerous or so depressed she would not get out of bed. i'm sure she never cared for me. i had to run away from my family situation so i did not know her when she died.

it hurts now but that will ease. it takes time, as many have said. savior the good memories. i wish i had at least one.

best to you.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know there's not a lot I can say, but I'm sorry.

~Kate

I'm so sorry, hyperlexian. I can only imagine how difficult things must be at the moment. I wish you and your family all the best in supporting each other through this. Jenny

hyperlexian,

I am sorry your have suffered so much and I hope that now the struggle over, you can move on at some point . Sounds like your mother loved you but was unable to express it through her pain. It must have felt like a long scream having your mother wanting to die like that, but I can tell you from my experiences with suicidal issues that sometimes the pain is blinding. But you are right, there is nothing that nobody could have done...sound like you did all that you could but the good part is that it is over...the struggle, hers and yours. Work on healing your wounds and know that her pain is over.

I can have no accurate idea of just how bad you must feel, however I recall how bad I felt for so long after my own mom died of natural causes in 1987. The grief over loss of a mother may never go away, but one day it seems that it abruptly takes on a different spin, and somehow one can live with it. Faith in the healing power of time is one thing we can try to hold.

I am sorry for your loss. I hope that your journey through grief allows you to make peace with her memory.

You are very brave.

My condolences for you.

Hyperlexian, I'm so sorry I didn't know of this earlier. I'm very sorry for your loss and pain.. my deepest condolences, i'm never good at these things especially with what to say but i'm here for you and the rest of this planet i'm sure.. bless your heart..

thanks everyone. today we had a family dinner and tried to talk a bit about our feelings as a sort of memorial. it was hard to do as none of us was really organizing or dictating the conversation, so we mostly just talked about unrelated stuff.

tomorrow i will attend a therapy session along with my 2 sisters. i hope it will help as we each have some big issues to work through.

Sorry to hear about this Hyperlexian.
Hope things get better for you soon.