Suicide or loony bin?

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I do see your point...but its just difficult and complicated, I mean there wasn't really any physical abuse but I can't say the same about sort of mental kind of crap. Like my mom would tell me and my other siblings how we should be happy or whatever because when she was a kid she'd get beat with a wire hanger or other such 'punishments' for whatever said behavior we were exhibiting. But yeah anyways I would I guess feel bad about cutting off ties with her and I wouldn't have to totally do so just to where I am living my life without her throwing in her perspective of how I should be doing things or what I'm not doing quick enough. Anyways point is shes gotten mellower as shes gotten older and seems emotionally sensitive, but I can hardly talk to her about anything and honestly she really stresses me out more than she helps. But of course I can't really move out just yet, considered moving in with my aunt but that could be a set of problems of its own so not really sure I should.

Also this situation with her boyfriend I don't even know what to do, basically she wants everyone to stay out of it and bla bla bla, when I guess my aunt was asking her about it after I had gone to her house one night venting about him and other frustrations. So then of course big suprise my mom told me that she's sick of anyone wanting her and her boyfriend to break up and it stresses her out and she loves him(even though half the time she's kicking him out or telling him what a jerk he's being).

So since then I've tried to just ignore it, let it be but I find that to be impossible living there. Also just like I kinda figured finally all the trying to just ignore it and let it be attempts bit me in the ass and I flipped out on him and threw things and yelled a lot because eventually it gets to me. I am at a loss of what to do other then maybe get away but then I am worried about my brother being stuck with him during the day but then of course it would be the death of me if I ever implied to any authority I was concerned maybe my moms boyfriend does not treat my brother so well(nothing physical I know of but he seems very condescending, demanding and just makes a lot of comments I could see hurting a 10 year old kid, considering I was a 10 year old kid once to so I know what that feels like). It just doesn't sit well with me but if I say anything to anyone who could do anything I'd get a lot of crap about it forever I'd like to think just from my mom but that is not usually how my family works. Even when I've talked to other family or even my mom about her boyfriend being a jerk she gets all mad and pissed off....so I can only imagine what it would be like if i actually reported him as potentially mentally abusive/manipulative or something.

Oh and what's weird though is my mom will agree with all my complaints about him if she's in an argument with him or 'kicking him out' but otherwise I should just stay out of it or she gets mad its confusing and then I always get the weird feeling my mom wants to go to my doctors appointments with me just cause she knows it will make it harder for me to be honest and clear with the doctor...she says she just wants to tell them about past history, and I told her if they ask for that then whatever but if not I prefer to go alone. I just feel its BS I have to deal with this being 23, And my dad is trying his best to figure something out like maybe getting a place at least for a while but he's still got legal crap to deal with on top of working trying to save up. He has some issues of his own so even with him I gotta have some space but I could tolerate living in an apartment with him I am sure I'd just have to make sure and spend time with other people or away from there as well. So yeah its just complex I suppose.

If I was functional enough to work I'd get a damn job and be out of there, but my brains a little on the defective side but it's not just my brain anymore I mean hell I don't know if its the PTSD or something else but I've developed a weird sort of constant physical pain its hard to describe how it feels other than its like even by existing I am pushing myself too hard like I'm ready to break or something at any minute but that is not a very good description of physical pain but it started as psychological pain so yeah but point is I've just been pushed past my limits too many times.

I relate to a lot of what you're saying. I have PTSD as well.

It doesn't sound like you have to make any rash decisions about your family just yet. Your family is not my family, it doesn't sound quite as bad as what my family were doing to me, so I think it should be okay to take your time getting away from them. I hate having to live with my father in a one bedroom flat, it's because I too am very handicapped by mental health problems and the AS. So maybe don't rush into that one.

I would get ill if I spent any time near my mother or siblings, and they have bad intentions towards me. I can't have contact with them if I want to maintain my health and sanity (what I have left of it!). So long as your mother, brother, father, whatever care about you, even if they're imperfect and have their own issues, it's okay to have contact; just get space when you can.

Sounds like you kind of know your limits with your family. Maybe just make a long term plan about what you want, but don't worry about having to live with them just now. It's okay to be doing that.

I don't quite understand the issue around your mother's boyfriend. Do you have some space, your own room? Sounds like maybe you should just leave them to it and think about your own needs as much as possible.

Good luck with the psych ward if that's what turns out to be best

Yes I have my own room but I can hear their yelling which just triggers me so then I end up getting anxious and having a hard time breathing, thinking and increased heart rate or I'll end up just sort of sitting there and/or trying to hold back from freaking out more. Also he's said things to me that have crossed the line and is just generally an a**hole to everyone at least my mom, my brother and me. I try to just stay away from him, I try to ignore him if he's yelling or carrying on either arguing with my mom or being overly condescending and in my opinion rather nasty to my brother.

So basically being there with him around, is bad for me and I will go off the deep end the longer I do it. I am not sure how it would be if it was just my mom....I know last time she was for sure kicking him out trying to force me into more responsibilities than I could handle. I mean she basically tried to manipulate me with the fact that I always try to do more for others than I can and that it was the right thing otherwise she had to stay with him. But then of course next day she wanted him back and it turns out what she was trying to force on me wouldn't have happened anyways she wanted me to walk to my brothers school every day to get him and she knows going around schools is really triggering to me due to the nature of my PTSD(we have this dicussion every time this brother has some event thing for family to go to at his school like a music program or whatever and I always have to regretfully remind her that I wish I could but I can't handle being in a school)......but he ended up going to another school she had in mind that's not within walking distance.

But yeah it was enough to get me pretty on edge worrying that I'd be forced/guilt tripped to go and get severely triggered everyday and have to try and keep it all inside until getting home since freaking out around kids at a school is no good. So yeah I thought my life was at risk of becoming basically the stay at home maid who has to be available at all times for anything regardless of if its something I can actually handle or not or she would likely kick me out or something. So not so sure living with just my mom would be so healthy either I mean if she would respect the problems I have and my limits it would be different but she seems to have a problem with that to.

The one thing I have to offer you is that you legally can refuse your mom entrance to your doctor's appointment. Under HIPPA, you can refuse to share your medical records with anyone, should you so choose. Besides, you are legally an adult and so you can do as you choose in these matters.

I am aware, and if I say no its not like she's going to force it...but it would be much less stress for me if she wouldn't try to talk me into it in the first place. I sometimes question her motives for wanting to 'help' I mean I like to think she always has good loving intentions........but I honestly don't know and there are a number of things I can remember growing up with her that don't exactly help even though it seems shes changed some but that could just be that me and two of my siblings aren't really kids anymore so she doesn't have as much control and she does not really spend as much time with my youngest brother as she did with most of us not that it was always pleasant. I also am not exactly feeling free about the whole divorce it does bother me and upset me at times even though it was quite some time ago but I can't really bring up resentment about that or its likely to start an argument between us again.

Also she tries telling me things that aren't exactly easy to take, like how she still hopes for the best for my dad and all this stuff like she wanted to write him a letter...I know he does not want anything to do with her anymore and so you know when I am already having a bad day and she lays stuff like that on me I don't know what to do with it. I mean why don't people get if I am practically going insane maybe its best not to come to me with the heavy stuff. I mean I don't want to know what she regrets about her relationship with my dad, I don't want her to switch from telling me how her boyfriends a jerk and has to go with me agreeing and then yelling at me when she didn't and I mentioned that she had said she was because I hadn't heard she decided to stay with him yet. So yeah It's just confusing and hard to deal with.

Well today is the 15th and I made it to my psychiatrist appointment. Phew. Well it turns out she thinks that given my 6 recent A&E admissions, I should consider hospitalisation for a more thorough evaluation and diagnosis, and to start me on new medication. I have a couple of days to think about it while she finds out about bed availability (she wants me to have a side room rather than a bed on the main ward because of my ASD). She took me to the ward to show me around and it is not as scary as I thought it would be. But I'm still scared by the idea of going into hospital. I think it might be the right thing to do though.

Well that is good I suppose, my appointments not for a couple days, pretty sure I'll make it till them but yeah I think I really should be straight up about everything to the doctor. I mean essentially I am worried about my own safety due to feeling suicidal, and then I cant exactly say I don't worry about hurting others especially when the fight response kicks in and then I have no impulse control and it really freaks me out, because its like if I actually did something stupid over it I wouldn't be able to stop.

Anyways hope things work out for you.

I hope you will just tell the doctor everything. If you have trouble expressing how much this stuff distresses you, please write it down and hand it over. I was extremely distressed when I was the psychiatrist yesterday but when I am extremely distressed I tend to shut down and outwardly I look very calm. So had my psych seen that without me having written down how badly I was feeling, she would have assumed I was fine. Even if you don't think you'll need it because you are usually able to speak quite well, it might be worth writing stuff down just in case. One thing I'll say is not to be worried about telling the doctor everything. They'll almost certainly have heard similar before and won't be shocked, they'll just look for the best way to help you which may or may not be psych ward. If you really feel psych ward is the best place for you, be sure to actually tell the doctor that and not leave them guessing as to what you think might help. Good luck.

I'm anxiously awaiting an email from my psychiatrist about beds/admission date ... I'm not sure I really want to receive it. Going into hospital is a huge decision and I don't want to make the wrong choice.

I guess I am just kind of worried about what I will do if the doctor decides I'm good to go and sends me on my way. Since I don't feel good to go at all. I mean the last time I was going to try and get to that but didn't quite get a chance and then I figured I could probably make it another couple weeks till the next appointment. But yeah especially since when I leave my friends house I'm going back to my moms house don't think I can keep it together long enough to wait for more appointments without doing something harmful.

I understand that worry very well, because it has happened to me several times over the last couple of months even though I was majorly harming myself. But remember if you don't tell everything they will of course think you are good to go. Just make sure you tell everything, and tell them that you think the psych ward might be a safer option. Like I said, if you're worried about getting to it when speaking, write it down and hand it over.

I have a date for admission - next Wednesday 24th. Just need to try not to do anything too harmful in the meantime. It's so difficult, because the harmful and suicidal thoughts are strong. But I'll be going in for about 2 weeks (unless I choose to discharge myself early, which I might if I can't handle the ward) and hopefully it will be a kick-start to getting me well again.

Maybe I should at least write down the main things so I remember what I wanted to say and such but yeah aside from the concerns of what might happen if I get triggered at my moms house and feeling suicidal the lack of eating and sleeping enough does not seem to have improved any either and my general functioning over all seems to just be getting worse.

Oh what a surprise just like I thought....wait it out till the next appointment, I tried to be as clear as I could but it didn't work, and now I am just further convinced maybe suicide would be better. I mean its not like I can afford a trip to the psych ward and its not like anyone else wants to foot the damn bill its like pulling teeth to even get my mom to cover the meds and appointments like she said she would till I get on SSI...I mean if she cant afford to Id prefer if she would just tell me that instead of saying she can but then avoiding the issue as much as possible just adding to my anxiety.

I got my sedatives again though, so for now I am ok I guess........but whats the difference take a prescription to kill the pain, smoke a bowl to kill the pain, take some bloody opiates to kill the pain its all the same just temporary relief. I don't doubt I will end up in the psych ward but after today I give up on trying to f****ing communicate because no matter how hard I try to explain things people still don't get it. I mean concerned about suicide, self harm, property damage, hurting others due to PTSD symptoms being triggered and they still want me to wait it out some more and try to navigate through a bunch of phone numbers to try and get An AS, PTSD, depression, anxiety diagnoses through different services that no doubt cost more money that i don't have and cannot really depend on my mom helping me with it seems.

Seriously whats the damn point, it never f****ing ends, does it. Just don't know how I am supposed to feel. Not to mention that nagging voice like thought process I have. No I don't 'hear' it like a hallucination or anything but it certainly knows how to put words together in my brain. But to explain basically I went to the appointment thinking basically 'they don't really care, they're just going to send you off on your own for another appointment in god knows how long.....its not like they lose money over you offing yourself. I try and rationalize that a lot of people use the provided services and so they can only do so much but of course then that argues that its no excuse for them to be so incompetent and that I chickened out again about straight up saying I was suicidal and planning to do it just like it thought I would and I admit that is a fair point but even so I did explain my concerns as best as I could have and I think they really are trying their best with limited resources to help and don't want me wasting money I don't have on a trip to the psych ward unless it is seriously the very last resort and there is no other options because they agree I can't afford it so it would suck if it ended up not being that much of a crisis after all. Maybe this thought process with a mind of its own is right.......maybe they really don't give a damn. So why should I give a damn anymore. But I know it is all trickery, as soon as I trust that voice of anti-reason I am just going to end up regretting everything it leads to. Then again I have to say some of the best times I've had were times when I allowed that side of myself to come out a bit more.

Who the f*** even am I, is this earth or is this hell. Or are they the same thing, it seems our existence on earth is a realm or a plane of existence physical reality a necessary step in the process of existence. Anyways don't know why I am going on about that, not even sure it made any bit of sense I am basically trying to describe very complex ideas in more simple terms very difficult, not sure where I was going with that. I just feel hopeless and lost. And the real world, what really is that? people go on about living in the real world, well what exactly defines that is what I'd like to know.

and that is the current update on these matters.

Hi Sweeleaf. I wanted to reply yesterday so you would know you are being heard, but the truth is I'm not really sure what to write.

I understand the frustration, anger, disappointment etc at being told to hold out until the next appointment from my own experience. I hope with the help of the meds you have been prescribed you will manage to do this. I usually managed this by trying very hard to give my doctors the benefit of the doubt and telling myself that they have my best interests at heart even if I disagree with them... that they do have a lot more experience of dealing with people who have my difficulties and behaviours than I do (I only have experience of me, they have experience of all their patients).

Yes, yes it is just temporary. My psychiatrist said the meds were like a "sticking plaster" until I get the "real" help I need. Perhaps it might help to think of it like that? It is very difficult, I know, when you feel that you will never get that real help.

When is your next appointment?

Sometimes I wonder if this real help exists..........and if it does I just don't know I can hold out till I find it without putting myself or others in danger. I mean already today I'm getting pretty irritable because my moms boyfriend woke me up yelling at my younger brother again so I took some clonozepam....hopefully it will keep me mellow, and since hes gone that is good I just wish my brother didn't have to deal with that orc.

So far I got another appointment in a month yeah so hopefully the refills of meds goes a little more smoothly otherwise I'll have issues surrounding suddenly stopping taking them, and a list of phone numbers to call to try and get an AS assessment as well as assessed for the other issues. Yeah I love talking on the phone especially to ask if they offer free or very cheap assessments. I mean yeah I'd like to think that I will follow through with calling all those but its likely I'll lose my freaking mind long before I get anything figured out that route. But what do I expect they cant help me so all they know to do is give me a list of numbers to call to see about an assessment...I explained how difficult and frustrating trying to call a bunch of people is and that I was doubtful I would really be able to do anything with that list...........but the psychologist just said I. have to force myself, well what if I can't and what if its too much for me to handle without going off the deep end.

So essentially FML! and the only help I can seem to get is being redirected to more phone numbers to call to try and navigate through the automated answering BS in the hopes maybe I can get help before I am on the verge of suicide or causing serious damage. Its like they want people to wait till it gets so bad they literally have no choice but the psych ward.

The whole phone number thing is incredibly frustrating isn't it? I really struggle with the phone at the best of times and when I'm struggling just to not kill myself, the last thing I am able to do is pick up the phone.

I sometimes ask my husband to make calls for me - I find it humiliating to ask him, because I feel like I should be able to make the calls myself, but it gets them made. Could you ask your friend for help calling these people? Or your aunt?

I also wonder if the real help exists. I kind of think I'm getting closer now they are admitting me to hospital, but at the same time I can't quite see how that is going to help. Certainly the knowledge that I am being admitted hasn't helped ease any of my destructive thoughts - I took another overdose last night / this morning and am really annoyed with myself that I couldn't stop myself with the knowledge of getting help next week. Fortunately I didn't need treatment for it this time, but that was more by luck than judgement. And that just makes me feel even worse.

I think you may be right about them wanting people to wait until there is literally no choice by the psych ward. That's the point I'm at now. I wish you didn't have to reach that point too ... I wouldn't want anyone feeling like I do now.

Try to hang in there and keep venting here. We are listening. And although we can't honestly say we know how you feel, some of us might have a good idea of how you feel. Not that it helps to know that others have been there, does it?

My posts are sounding remarkably positive at the moment. Which is odd, because I really don't feel that way at all. I think I'm at the end of the end of the line and am just filling in time until I go.

I just don't know what to think about this all anymore.