Son driving me nuts

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My god do you work for FBI or Spy Agency
You have really dug deep for evidence to get me nailed

Namaste - You can excuse your behavior with excuses of your upbringing, claim racism, grab and hold fast to the posts that support your behavior, say you are misunderstood. But facts are facts - you are responsible for your own actions and reactions. You will be today, tomorrow, and until the day you draw your last breath.

That is where you are in your life right now - laying blame everywhere but with yourself. I am not, and have not said you don't have a stressful life - or a faultless husband. You are not faultless in your life, just like your husband isn't. But if your husband threw plates at you, I bet you would add that to the litany of problems you have and still go on excusing your behavior and he is the awful slime for throwing plates at you.

The state of your life didn't get to what it is without you contributing to it. Yes, your husband can be a jack ass. Yes your son back talks and steals. But you are your sons mother and it is your job to raise him - he did not become who he is by himself. The way you and your husband raise him has a lot to do with it. No one can thrive in the environment and treatment he has been raised in. You really think it is ok for your son to be choked? Even if you are at your wits end? Being at your wits end does not make it right. That is what I have been trying to point out to you. Not saying you are some evil witch that deserves lynching. But your behaviors ARE abusive - end of tether or not... being in India or not.

You have talked about how bad your upbringing was... but you are not treating your son any better. You have not learned from your experiences. If you have gone through it.. why are you dishing that same ugly treatment out? If you know what it feels like to receive that treatment? Wouldn't you want to learn from what you experienced and not perpetuate the problem and pass it on?

I dated an Indian man briefly. I have to admit our different view points had us break up rather quickly. I also married a man from Algeria, so please do not try and play the racism card here. My view points have nothing against you personally. They are simply my view points.

If your husband logged in here and made a post from his perspective I would probably go at him for the way he treats you as well... I never said he was faultless. What I have said is that he doesn't deserve plates thrown at him. This post is made by you and I am tackling YOUR issues - not your husbands.

Being under stress doesn't make your reaction to the stress the RIGHT reaction. I have had my own issues in my past.. I have been in situations I wish I could take my responses back... I have been in parental situations when I think about them I cringe. I have never physically hurt my children.. but I have had some out and out tantrums that verbally are ouchie.... probably ouchie ++... But I have learned Namaste. I was blind to my hurtfulness back then.. but I am not anymore. But it also took someone putting my behavior bold and in my face in a way that had no wiggle room. No room for excuses. My changing didn't happen over night... and this person never let up on me... and one day I just got it. I am responsible for my action.. no one can MAKE ME be how I am but ME. Just because my husband is a jack ass to me didn't mean I had to be a jack ass back! My response to the stress in my life is what perpetuated a crisis situation in my life. I changed my responses, I changed my life. It became simple as that.

So you can feel I am attacking you... but I have not viewed it as such. It took tough love for me to change. I felt attacked too... until I saw the truth in what was being presented to me.

We had a similar thing to your feast story happen last night. I find it striking that you happen to tell that story and it coincides with my life. I went shopping with my mom yesterday to get the ingredients for my dad's favorite meal. He asked her specifically to make it. It takes a lot of time, a lot of dishes (clean up after is a nightmare) to make... not to mention costly ingredients. She made this meal and with it she made salad and a spinach side dish. **edit - I think it is an important note to add my mother has severe scoliosis and back pain and also broken ribs at the moment and has glaucoma and is nearing losing her sight. But she makes this dinner anyway (like you have pointed out you are tired and have to work early.. but you made your dinner anyway )

We all sat down to eat, and my mom asked me to pass the main dish to my dad. When I did he barked out "no." without another word and continued eating his salad and spinach dishes. By the end of the meal it became clear he had no intention of eating any. The anger in my mom was palpable. She said "I wish I didn't make this now! You asked me to make this and you WON'T eat any!" and my dad simply said... "no.. I won't... I am content enough with the salad"

My mom sat fuming for a few minutes... while my uncle and I squirmed in our seats totally uncomfortable and feeling horrible. We enjoyed the dinner... we had told her how much we enjoyed it. I began racing eating my food.. I could not eat fast enough to be able to get out of there. My uncle too would not look up and stared at his plate.

My mom must have noticed because that anger we felt on her melted... and her tone of voice got gentle... and she said..."no... I am happy I made this still. Gloria enjoyed it... Merlin enjoyed it... I enjoyed it." That is so unlike my mom that it was almost as much as a shock as my dad refusing to eat the meal. But you see how her response changed? I also quit eating so fast and enjoyed the rest of my meal... my uncle took more food and we all stayed laughing and joking... except my dad who huffed off and left the room...

what floored me even more... my mother made my dad a plate with the left overs and said he would love to have some tomorrow. So even with all that happened... my mom still made a plate because she knew tomorrow he would enjoy it.

So can you see what I am saying now? Your responses have everything to do with how you are feeling yourself.. and to those around you. It was my mother's response to the situation that had it spiral out of control at first. But she changed her response and it changed the outcome. So my dad was being a jack ass... at least my mom didn't continue having everyone in the room feeling bad.

Change in your life begins with you... Understand that your behavior and responses are hurtful to yourself, not only to those around you.

So while you can not see what I am saying.. and what others are saying right now... I am hoping we planted a seed... I have been in very bad places in my life... In many ways like your life and upbringing... My life is not roses now either... but my response to the mud I am in has changed... so my mud isn't quite as deep as it used to be. I am hoping as I get even better... I won't have mud at all but a garden around me.

I hope the seeds given you here will grow for you someday...

Also - sending your son to boarding school may solve your stress temporarily.. but it does not solve your response to your son's behavior. Nor does it fix your son. Removing a problem does not permanently FIX a problem.. your son will come home eventually... what then?

Tackle this head on Namaste - you are stronger than you think. Look what you have survived in your life! Take a good strong look at yourself... find your strengths and work on your weaknesses. If you begin healing yourself others in your life will begin to change too... it is rather hard to stay a jack ass to someone being good and kind to you

Change your mud - plant a garden. It is all about your response to the mud life throws at you... Even the awful bits... It takes a long time to create a beautiful garden... The sooner you start.. the sooner your garden will bloom.

Oh Namaste, I am not trying to "nail" you.
I saw this thread and wondered if you had been having problems before, trying to understand your reactions.
Then when I saw these earlier posts, my answer was because of these posts as well as this thread.

This is what I see from the little bit you have posted
Your whole family is unhappy
You had an awful childhood and no chance to learn calm happy parenting skills
Your son has behaviour problems that are more serious than simple naughtiness
Your husband wants to raise your son differently and you cannot agree

Your son's best chance to improve his behaviour would be to have calm happy parents united in his care, as well as professional help.
I understand that professional help can be expensive.
If you can see that you have behaviour and coping problems yourself, perhaps you can work on those with your husband.
Then your son's therapy would have a much better chance of working.

Your son and husband would feel safer without you. I doubt that your son potty's in his pants on purpose to provoke you. I'm incontinent. I know he doesn't. The pressure that he's under is making his shaking and incontinence worse.

Here's a little mind game for you. Imagine that your son's you and you're your son. Imagine that you come home from school each day expecting love and nurturing and it's nowhere to be found. You don't know if you're going to get hugs or beatings. Imagine that you're shaking and you lose control over the type of incontinence that you would experience if you were your son. Imagine how you would feel knowing that you were going to get some lashes and you wouldn't get supper that night.

Last edited by CockneyRebel on 17 Apr 2013, 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Let me say this to those who are saying that it's not her culture or culture doesn't matter etc. First off, I don't know diddly about India except for what Indian friends of mine here have told me and what I read in this book recently about British India and the Anglo Indians in the early 20th Century.

While it's not considered normal or even within normal limits to get violent here in the US or in some parts or Europe or the UK, there are some places where it is. My friend Ashish who is from India (I do not remember what part though) told me he remembers when he was a kid, this lady was mad at her teenage daughter for getting pregnant when she wasn't married or something like that, it had to do with a boy anyway, and the woman locked her teenage daughter in the house and burned it down around her and did not get in trouble at all. It was sort of ok because it was an honor killing type thing.

Another thing that I've heard and read that was common until recently is that when a lady's husband died, when they were cremating the husband, outside, in front of everybody, the wife would climb up there and burn herself to death. Also, baby girls were killed at birth by really poor people because they wouldn't ever be able to afford to marry them off.

I'm not saying that everybody in India is like this, does this, condones this, or even knows people that have done this, but that stuff is kind of harsh and in a society that has had that stuff happen not too long ago, corporal punishment and throwing dishes and grabbing somebody by the neck (not trying to kill them but trying to make a point) isn't really considered all that bad.

I haven't read the spanking thread I started in PPR yet, because I have to run my younger daughter to the dr in a few and I want to have time to read and respond, but in some cultures spanking a kid is perfectly fine and in others it's a horrific thing to do. I'm not comparing Namaste's temper fit to spanking, I'm just saying. But in some cultures (like mine) it's perfectly normal and even encouraged at times, to spank your kids. You can use a hand, a belt (not the buckle part) a hickory or even a wooden board and it's ok. It's also ok to throw things at them if you can't get up to spank them right that second too, depending on what it is and their age and why you can't get up. Things like shoes or a book, not breakable things. But in some cultures, even some places here in the US (California I think and maybe Washington or Oregon) it's a horrible thing to do and even illegal in some places. Some people would be shocked if they saw a lady popping a kid on the behind at the grocery store.

The level of violence in a culture may vary and those who are less violent will always want the violent cultures to learn differently. When we moved down here to this town, I was shocked at how many teenage boys fought. At school, at a friends house, at the store, anywhere. The least little provocation and they throw down. Really. If a boy doesn't stand up for himself and get into a knock down drag out fight, he's ridiculed for life. They get suspended from school all the time for fighting and while they have to suspend them, nobody gets upset. When this teenage boy I worked with told me about that I was truly shocked and wondered how this could be tolerated. Why didn't the adults do something about it? I was not going to allow my sons to fight like that! That was barbaric and ridiculous and just wrong! He told me "Then everybody will make fun of him, but trust me, whether you want him to or not, he will". My oldest was 12 then and he was right. My boys did fight. It got to be so common that I don't even think twice about it now. I see how I was shocked then, but it's gotten to be normal now.

My point is, because physical confrontation and violence seems to be the norm in Namaste's culture, what she did is not outside the normal limits of behavior. She sees it's wrong though and wants to do something about why she's gotten to the point of doing that. Being raised to believe that what she did is not a huge red flag for a problem and not something that would mentally or emotionally hurt someone else, nor is it something that the cops would bat an eye at if they were called, when ya'll tell her how she's the problem for doing something that's common in her culture isn't going to help her. That would be like ya'll getting all over me for letting the school spank my kid with a wooden paddle or spanking one with a belt. I doubt that anybody here, or even a therapist that she would go to, would focus on the violence of her reaction because violence itself was wrong, focusing on it because it's over the top for her and she's obviously got some heavy duty problems of her own to be driven to that point is what will help her.

If she were raised here and went over there where it was ok and then did that then yeah, she would need some different kind of help right away, but the fact that she wants help and wants things to be happy so nothing like this happens again (from her or her husband or son) shows that she's not the crazy ass monster that ya'll are making her out to be.

That's all I got to say about culture shock.

nm misread the the OPs response.

Last edited by League_Girl on 17 Apr 2013, 11:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

Jesus Christ, I was asking where you are from. Nothing to do with racism. You kept talking about culture and I know in certain areas things are more acceptable than they are elsewhere.

I think the entire problem with this thread is that the OP wanted to have everyone side with her and say "Poor Namaste" and when that has not happened it brought out her teeth and nails. She is getting advice on how to change and better her life instead of "you poor lady... "

This woman is not ready for positive change in her life. Regardless of culture every human being has emotions, a conscience, remorse, sadness and anger and too many more emotions to list. Who in the world would like a plate thrown at them? Or their neck throttled? NO ONE. NOT EVEN THE OP HERSELF. So it makes not one jot where in this world you reside. I don't care who you are, what age you are and where you are from - someones hands around your neck is going to mess with your head... your confidence and your successes and failures in this life. No matter where you live you can find kind acts and people acting outside the "culturally acceptable" ways... you just have to want to do so. Just because it is culturally acceptable doesn't mean you have to act that way. By the OP's own admission her husband is nice to their son and his parents before him were nice parents - and sadly that apparently makes her sick and intolerant. (shocker! Totally against cultural accepted ways! So point proven just because culture accepts mean and nasty doesn't mean you have to be that way)

The OP has no problems telling her abuse stories and so wants everyone to recognize how she has suffered. Well her childhood is over. She needs to get over it and heal. Her son is suffering at her hands now... That is the current situation and the issue at hand.

I feel for her that she has had such a rough childhood, been forced into marriage and had a child she didn't want. But that is exactly what life has given her... So she can accept the mud she is in and start changing to start building a better life... or she can continue sinking in the mud and continue to be miserable. Those are her choices as I see them.. but apparently these views are unwelcome and anger generating.

Thread unfollowed.

If you want to excuse your behaviour as "culture", I think of the "asian method" (mostly Japan) which is gaining popularity here in North America.

The parents will scream and hurl insults and abuse, withholding all love and compassion until the child performs up to their insanely high standards (like a perfect score on a test - even a 99% is punishable.)

People are starting to like how it generates high achieving children... but they forget about the other side of the coin, which is that the children are miserable, depressed, and committing suicide in huge numbers.


Your method of ruling like a cruel tyrant is obviously not working - your child doesn't do what you want. As he gets older, he will resist your cruelty even more.


YOU MUST MAKE THE CHANGE. No more excuses.

Great. Within the next 20 years, all North American parents will be using the Asian Method with all of their children no matter what their challenges are. I can just see it now and the parents won't care that the young would be taking their own lives.

Valkyrie 2012: I think the problem why Namaste cant see what you are trying to tell her, is because you are telling her nothing she can do to acchieve changes. As I read her post, she didnt strangle her kid on purpose, and she didnt throw the plate on purpose, she simply got mad, couldnt think clear anymore and got violent. Is this good - no definitely not. Does the knowlege, that this isnt good, help preventing getting braindead again out of anger because of exhaustion. No. The thing is, how can we prevent her getting so mad and angry again?

Maybe you could share with us ideas how the real Namaste can change something. I think she would be happy and thankful for it too, none of the three seems to be happy right now. All you are talking about is about a her son loving Namaste that doesnt exist. That they plate shouldnt be thrown we all know since 3 pages. But how tio acchieve this goal in reality?

Sure in a dreamland were Namaste were a relaxed, happy, calm and loving mother everything was fine. But we are not dreaming, we are in reality and in realitiy things are as they are, and Namaste simply is not a calm, happy, loving and patient mother. So the thing we need to think about: What possibilities do we have, that Namaste the way she is, her son the way he is, and her husband the way he is (not the eay they would be in a fantasy love book) can live with each other in a better way, that comforts each of these three more.

Thats what we have got to deal with to find solutions. And therapy only can help, when the ones doing the therapies, want to acchieve these goals themselfs. Blaming someone for feeling what he feels, doesnt change a thing about the way a person feels. We can push on Namaste until she says ok, while she still feels the same way, and in 4 weeks because nothing has changes she will loose temper again. How well do you think, will a therapy work, when the goal of the therapy, that Namaste will be turned into a calm, loving mother is no goal of Namaste herself? You cant force someone to love his child, specially, when the one simply has no own interest to do so. You can work on external behavement, but you cant force love on someone.

From my oppinion, I wouldnt think border school as such a bad thing FOR her son (means her son would profit from it), because as long as Namaste is working on herself and cant ensure herself that this wont happen again, a child is better in a good border school with nice educators then at home with a mom who hates him. (And no, this is not about blaming, its simply about facts.)

This forcing someone to love his child simply doesnt work and is damaging the child too. My father always felt ashamed for me, sometimes when things happened he could not understand he beated me and on the next day I felt from his behavement, that he thought it to be wrong and that he felt deeply sorry about it. But this didnt help a thing, and this didnt change a thing. It doesnt give you a time machine to give you the possibility to travel bacl two days to prevent the beating. And if there simply is no love then it also does not prevent future beating, because there will again be situations again he did not understand, and then he beat me again, and again he will feel sorry. Feeling Sorry helps nothing and doesnt change nothing. Sometimes you simply have to accept that your parent simply dont like you, even if he knows and blames himself deeply for it. Because accepting it the way it is, gives you the possibility to see new options to handle the situations. I was happy in a border school that focused on technical engineering I was interested in, and my father was happy that for the first time he could feel himself for being a good father, caring for his child to be happy, even if he didnt love me, and also happy that because of us not getting close again, situations where he could lost his temper were prevented.

So Namaste hates her kid and her husband. Thats the way it is. So from my oppinion its much better to be in a good border school the boy is happy with, then being at home with a mother that simply doesnt love him and cant handle the situation of socially being expected to love and care for the child she hates. Sure a border school cant be a parent itself and there are things missing, you get in a loving family. But before I went to border school the only thing I got was the feeling to be a worthless creature, and my existence alone is a curse for my family. So I didnt feeled love in border school, but for the first time, I felt myself accepted, even appreciated for getting good marks, for the first time there was someone helping me to acchieve the feeling to be ok the way I am, and that I dont have to be ashamed of myself. That I am a normal, acceptable being, nnone that needs to be adored, but simply someone that is ok the way he is. Yeah maybe in a loving family you may get more then that. But there is no use thinking about it, if there is no loving family around. There simply is no therapy that forces you to love your kid.

The boarding school idea makes good sense to me as well. In a boarding school, Namaste's son would be able to receive the love and support that will help him to grow his self-esteem. That's what he needs right now. I also apologize about my first response in this thread. I've modified it a little.

He as no reason to throw plates at me...i never provoke him neither i meddle with him when he is reprimanding the child.

spare the rod and spoil the child.

i dont think i am treating my son even 90% the way i was treated...10% ya yes

You cant even date a Indian man and you are giving advice to a person who has managed to spend 10 years with a Indian man...you are not fit to give advice.

now you are talking sense

Ya so much so you ended up being divorced and what fighting custody battles the court doesnt give custody of your children to you or what??

Ya i felt attacked....what else do you want me to feel loved....

Sounds good. You can actually be a Life Coach to depressed housewives.

Ya you can be a good life coach but depends who will come to attend your sessions.

I think you are sick.
Who told you i beat up my son the moment he enters the house
You think i am some psychotic or what??
I am very nice to him,...i complete his homework, i allow him to play for hours, i am not at all strict with him..
You create anything based on your assumptions.

What knowledge you have about encopresis??? Its caused due to genetic predisposition and not due to my beatings
Without having medical knowledge how can you blame me?
Go and do some research before pointing fingers
http://www.ucanpooptoo.com/about-encopr ... ble-causes

Please do not personally attack members based on their viewpoints, it won't make anything better if you attack people for their views. Also it is against forum rules as well. Don't let this thread get out of control or a mod will lock the thread. Please keep this in mind.