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auntblabby
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25 Dec 2016, 4:32 am

slw1990 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
if they pay you x amount of attention, pay them back x amount of attention, proportionately rewarding them for their attention to you. the guy speaking in a deeper voice is trying to express that he is worthy of you by dint of his masculinity. he would not have bothered if he was not attracted to you. the fella giving your coffee personal attention, was trying to get to know you better. these were major gestures, I hope you are able to reward at least one of them with a smile and a nod, at least. it is not so much the "right signals" as the right amount of signal.


That was the same guy. The other guy was in the second paragraph. I hate to sound more negative, but I notice that usually when a guy seems to shows interest other women seem to try to compete and sometimes even bully. I don't really know how to stand up to bullies though so this makes me unattractive. I also feel like one of the reasons why this happens is because I come off as not so smart because I don't always have much common sense and can be slow to figure some things out. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I started drinking coffee recently and it seems to help with that a little, but I still struggle. It seems like a lot of people talk to me like I'm really slow because of this.

seems dr. seuss said it best- "be who you are and say what you feel, because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter." there is nothing more tiring than having to pretend to be something other than what one naturally is. you gotta be you, you have no real choice other than to be you, and to work at the speed at which you are natural. if the coffee helps then no harm there. If the people act in a patronizing manner to you [treating you as though you were slow in their estimation, based on their misreading of you] then that reflects poorly on them and they have done you the favor of prefiltering themselves/letting you know they are not necessarily good for you.



Shahunshah
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25 Dec 2016, 5:12 am

slw1990 wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
Maybe I am wrong on this but maybe being direct might be helpful in this area. It shows to other person what you want and reduces the chance of them thinking you are hiding something because you come across as revealing your intentions to them.

What is it usually like when you try to explain yourself?

I feel as though people sometimes assume that when someone is tired and not energized much of the time they may feel as though that person is lacking in motivation and enjoyment. That might be one of the reasons people think that. You just shouldn't be afraid to correct them.


I feel like I am direct with my questions most of the time though. I usually want an honest answer or honest feed back, but it seems like most people think that there's a different meaning behind the question.

Usually I do it when I've made some kind of mistake or feel like I was misunderstood so then I would explain to the person why I did or said something. It's usually not a long explanation, but a short one

They don't usually say anything, but I notice a lot of people seem to pity me or act uncomfortable around me and it effects the way I get treated by others. I think it might be awkward to explain it to them when they haven't mentioned it.

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^^^^it seem like the OP has been saying that she simply can't figure out HOW to "make the move." gotta know how to do something before doing it. :idea:


Yes, I don't know how. I mean, I don't want to seem uninterested, but I don't want to be too forward or creepy either.

I noticed recently that a couple of guys irl might possibly be showing signs of interest, which is kind of unusual. I can't always tell if they are really interested or if they are just being friendly though and if I misinterpreted the situation I would end up looking desperate.

Maybe people act a little uncomfortable as they are unsure how to talk to you. I notice that happen with me a bit. How do you think you come across to others?

A good way to stop people pitying your might be to act involved and interested in what others are doing. That way people may no longer see you as sad as you are participating more.

Maybe specify to them that you want to improve your behaviour so that they don't feel as though you are craving reassurance.

I don't think you need to worry about coming off as desperate. You got nothing to lose by initiating with others only stuff to gain.



slw1990
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25 Dec 2016, 1:43 pm

auntblabby wrote:
slw1990 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
if they pay you x amount of attention, pay them back x amount of attention, proportionately rewarding them for their attention to you. the guy speaking in a deeper voice is trying to express that he is worthy of you by dint of his masculinity. he would not have bothered if he was not attracted to you. the fella giving your coffee personal attention, was trying to get to know you better. these were major gestures, I hope you are able to reward at least one of them with a smile and a nod, at least. it is not so much the "right signals" as the right amount of signal.


That was the same guy. The other guy was in the second paragraph. I hate to sound more negative, but I notice that usually when a guy seems to shows interest other women seem to try to compete and sometimes even bully. I don't really know how to stand up to bullies though so this makes me unattractive. I also feel like one of the reasons why this happens is because I come off as not so smart because I don't always have much common sense and can be slow to figure some things out. I'm not really sure what to do about it. I started drinking coffee recently and it seems to help with that a little, but I still struggle. It seems like a lot of people talk to me like I'm really slow because of this.

seems dr. seuss said it best- "be who you are and say what you feel, because the people who matter don't mind, and the people who mind don't matter." there is nothing more tiring than having to pretend to be something other than what one naturally is. you gotta be you, you have no real choice other than to be you, and to work at the speed at which you are natural. if the coffee helps then no harm there. If the people act in a patronizing manner to you [treating you as though you were slow in their estimation, based on their misreading of you] then that reflects poorly on them and they have done you the favor of prefiltering themselves/letting you know they are not necessarily good for you.


I mean, it's something I want to improve on. It could effect other things like a new job I might get or something. I sometimes feel like it causes me to be misinterpreted by others too. Some people do talk to me like that to try to belittle me, but I don't think all the people that do this have bad intentions. Just recently I was talking to a family member about moving into a place where I would live by myself and she mentioned that it might get lonely without roommates. When I mentioned that I might get a pet she told me that pets are a lot of responsibility and money like I wasn't aware of that already. I don't think she was trying to talk down to me or anything though because we get along pretty well. Then right after she told me she mentioned that I already know that so maybe she did that to try to show that she wasn't trying to be condescending.



auntblabby
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26 Dec 2016, 3:14 am

slw1990 wrote:
I mean, it's something I want to improve on. It could effect other things like a new job I might get or something. I sometimes feel like it causes me to be misinterpreted by others too. Some people do talk to me like that to try to belittle me, but I don't think all the people that do this have bad intentions. Just recently I was talking to a family member about moving into a place where I would live by myself and she mentioned that it might get lonely without roommates. When I mentioned that I might get a pet she told me that pets are a lot of responsibility and money like I wasn't aware of that already. I don't think she was trying to talk down to me or anything though because we get along pretty well. Then right after she told me she mentioned that I already know that so maybe she did that to try to show that she wasn't trying to be condescending.

that family member sounds like she is in your corner. maybe you could ask her to "roll play" for you in various social scenarios?



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27 Dec 2016, 1:56 am

^ Maybe I could try, but we're usually not alone together for role playing. I might try asking her for some feed bac since she wants to help me.

Shahunshah wrote:
slw1990 wrote:
Shahunshah wrote:
Maybe I am wrong on this but maybe being direct might be helpful in this area. It shows to other person what you want and reduces the chance of them thinking you are hiding something because you come across as revealing your intentions to them.

What is it usually like when you try to explain yourself?

I feel as though people sometimes assume that when someone is tired and not energized much of the time they may feel as though that person is lacking in motivation and enjoyment. That might be one of the reasons people think that. You just shouldn't be afraid to correct them.


I feel like I am direct with my questions most of the time though. I usually want an honest answer or honest feed back, but it seems like most people think that there's a different meaning behind the question.

Usually I do it when I've made some kind of mistake or feel like I was misunderstood so then I would explain to the person why I did or said something. It's usually not a long explanation, but a short one

They don't usually say anything, but I notice a lot of people seem to pity me or act uncomfortable around me and it effects the way I get treated by others. I think it might be awkward to explain it to them when they haven't mentioned it.

Quote:
^^^^it seem like the OP has been saying that she simply can't figure out HOW to "make the move." gotta know how to do something before doing it. :idea:


Yes, I don't know how. I mean, I don't want to seem uninterested, but I don't want to be too forward or creepy either.

I noticed recently that a couple of guys irl might possibly be showing signs of interest, which is kind of unusual. I can't always tell if they are really interested or if they are just being friendly though and if I misinterpreted the situation I would end up looking desperate.

Maybe people act a little uncomfortable as they are unsure how to talk to you. I notice that happen with me a bit. How do you think you come across to others?

A good way to stop people pitying your might be to act involved and interested in what others are doing. That way people may no longer see you as sad as you are participating more.

Maybe specify to them that you want to improve your behaviour so that they don't feel as though you are craving reassurance.

I don't think you need to worry about coming off as desperate. You got nothing to lose by initiating with others only stuff to gain.


I think I may come off as either extremely shy, stuck up or slow.

That sounds like a good idea. I've recently been looking at certain groups of people while they are talking to each other. It seems to help a little. I remember doing that 10 years ago though and people seemed to take it that I wasn't trying participate and was just looking at them because they seemed to feel sorry for me.



auntblabby
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27 Dec 2016, 2:04 am

slw1990 wrote:
^ Maybe I could try, but we're usually not alone together for role playing. I might try asking her for some feed bac since she wants to help me.

I do hope you can get together with her soon to arrange this, it can only be a good thing for you.



slw1990
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01 Jan 2017, 1:36 am

It feels like I get discriminated against regularly. Then I have trouble figuring things out and knowing how to respond and that makes things worse. It's like a trap I don't know how to get out of. It also feels like the only kind of people I attract are bullies. If a guy does like me they usually lose interest fast and always like someone else more so being in a relationship just feels impossible. There's something about me that drives guys away, but I don't act desperate or negative or anything like that. I know a lot of it has to do with my poor social skills though. It seems like a lot of people don't see me as fully human and it effects the way I get treated on a regular basis. It seems like if I ask for feed back I'm not really getting the truth so it doesn't help a lot and seems like people before would take it that I just want validation and not an honest answer. I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't know what to do about it.



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01 Jan 2017, 1:47 am

slw1990 wrote:
It feels like I get discriminated against regularly. Then I have trouble figuring things out and knowing how to respond and that makes things worse. It's like a trap I don't know how to get out of. It also feels like the only kind of people I attract are bullies. If a guy does like me they usually lose interest fast and always like someone else more so being in a relationship just feels impossible. There's something about me that drives guys away, but I don't act desperate or negative or anything like that. I know a lot of it has to do with my poor social skills though. It seems like a lot of people don't see me as fully human and it effects the way I get treated on a regular basis. It seems like if I ask for feed back I'm not really getting the truth so it doesn't help a lot and seems like people before would take it that I just want validation and not an honest answer. I don't want to live like this anymore and I don't know what to do about it.

I am affected in the same way. you are at least not alone in this. but I do hope you can still enlist the aid of your aforementioned family member to try to figure something out. when is the last time you have been really interested in another potential mate to the point of wanting desperately to get to know him better?



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01 Jan 2017, 11:45 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I am affected in the same way. you are at least not alone in this. but I do hope you can still enlist the aid of your aforementioned family member to try to figure something out. when is the last time you have been really interested in another potential mate to the point of wanting desperately to get to know him better?


I don't think that I come off as desperate, but I think the last time I felt really interested in someone I could potentially get to know was a few months ago.

I don't get to see her that much because I live in another town, but I was going to try and talk to her I remember about a year ago she brought up dating.



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01 Jan 2017, 11:54 pm

slw1990 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I am affected in the same way. you are at least not alone in this. but I do hope you can still enlist the aid of your aforementioned family member to try to figure something out. when is the last time you have been really interested in another potential mate to the point of wanting desperately to get to know him better?


I don't think that I come off as desperate, but I think the last time I felt really interested in someone I could potentially get to know was a few months ago. I don't get to see her that much because I live in another town, but I was going to try and talk to her I remember about a year ago she brought up dating.

I hope you can be proactive and pick up the phone or dial the email to contact her and make a deal with her. you are young and while you are still young is the prime time to get this ball rolling while you still can.



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07 Jan 2017, 5:26 pm

auntblabby wrote:
I hope you can be proactive and pick up the phone or dial the email to contact her and make a deal with her. you are young and while you are still young is the prime time to get this ball rolling while you still can.


I asked my aunt for some brutally honest feedback and she told me that I should maybe get involved in more activities like exercise programs. She also try to meet other people on the spectrum because I might not seem as quiet to them. She didn't really mention any behaviors that might be off putting though.



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07 Jan 2017, 5:39 pm

I am not sure what you are going to find if you try to reach out to people on the spectrum.

What are your interests?



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07 Jan 2017, 7:33 pm

slw1990 wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
I hope you can be proactive and pick up the phone or dial the email to contact her and make a deal with her. you are young and while you are still young is the prime time to get this ball rolling while you still can.


I asked my aunt for some brutally honest feedback and she told me that I should maybe get involved in more activities like exercise programs. She also try to meet other people on the spectrum because I might not seem as quiet to them. She didn't really mention any behaviors that might be off putting though.

you might ask her if she can role-play with you. part of getting what you want involves stepping out of your comfort zone but with abundant preparation before hand, role-playing is a key part.



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07 Jan 2017, 9:20 pm

I think part of what makes me unattractive is the fact that I get bullied a lot and don't know how to stand up for myself. A girl at work invaded my personal space and I just looked at her.



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07 Jan 2017, 9:41 pm

slw1990 wrote:
I think part of what makes me unattractive is the fact that I get bullied a lot and don't know how to stand up for myself. A girl at work invaded my personal space and I just looked at her.

stand your ground. if the other bullygirl invades your space, above all do NOT move. be more stubborn than the other person, they will eventually get the hint.



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07 Jan 2017, 9:49 pm

auntblabby wrote:
slw1990 wrote:
I think part of what makes me unattractive is the fact that I get bullied a lot and don't know how to stand up for myself. A girl at work invaded my personal space and I just looked at her.

stand your ground. if the other bullygirl invades your space, above all do NOT move. be more stubborn than the other person, they will eventually get the hint.


I'm not sure if this girl in particular is a bully. I was standing behind her so it might've been possible that she didn't notice I was there because when I say excuse me she usually says sorry and also apologizes if she's in the way, bumps into me ect. She could also be gas-lighting though. I sometimes say excuse me when someone invades my space, but sometimes I forget and by the time I think of it it's already too late.