I am a MESS

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^ I now live near Fisheating Creek. A couple generations ago, this creek was open to all for fishing, hunting, canoeing, camping. I love hearing the stories about what it was like to live in rural Florida years ago.

I am glad my office manager can move on to something better. He was very good. The agency I got him from can find me another, and I will work on interviewing next week.

Kortie, I did get my banjo out tonight. Did not play very well, but that is to be expected. Music comes from the soul and my soul is not firing on all four cylinders. (Used to have a VW bug)

OUT OF MY MIND AGAIN! I had a panic attack, about a 7 out of 10. Didn't have to call EMS, but had chest pain and nausea. I have no control over this worry, it sits in my body and I can't reach it.

I know there is nothing I can do to change the outcome. Nor can I hurry along events. Each committee hears the bill, makes changes and passes it on. Is it better or is it worse? Who knows? Up and down. Up and down.

There are things I CAN do now. Such as finish my monthly work that has to be completed by Friday, for example. But I have to control my panic in order to do that.

I did hire a new office manager today. My current one will train her. I also did my exercise and garden work. I finished one plan. Have two to go. But forwarded all my calls to my office manager and had to crawl under the covers and read/nap most of the afternoon. This being panicky is exhausting.

I wonder if trying to control the panic is the wrong way to go about it. Perhaps experiencing the panic and then just observing it would be a better choice. I'll have to consider that.

What you all can do to help is send hugs and support. I really appreciate it.

Hugs and best wishes to you, I hope you feel better soon.

Hugs and support!!

You did the right thing by crawling under the covers during a panic attack! That's your body telling you to slow down!

Take it easy and remember this too will pass.

i wish i could help you with more than prayer. panic surely seems a tough thing to run from or confront, as the enemy is within. if you need to talk, you are heard here. any of us will PM with you.

Dear blazingstar - so sorry to hear what you're going through. I've read all that you're doing, and have to say that in spite of today's panic, you're doing incredibly well in trying to manage a difficult situation. You've visited your Doc, you've been exercising, reading, relaxing when you can, and have discussed winding down/retiring with your husband. I doubt that many would manage things better than you are ... sending hugs and just wanted you to know that like everyone here, behind you getting through this 100%. Sending hugs and

I'm sure you're already very aware of these self-help pointers in regard Panic, but will post them all the same ...

Self-Help Strategies for Panic

Participate in aerobic exercise. Research has found that engaging in aerobic exercise can decrease symptoms of anxiety in individuals with panic disorder. Different studies used different exercise programs, so there’s no consensus on which one is best. Start with whatever aerobic exercises you enjoy, such as running, walking, swimming, riding your bike, or taking a group fitness class. Or consider experimenting with different exercise routines. Try to aim for about 20 minutes for each session.

Practice relaxation techniques, such as progressive muscle relaxation. You can find many guided practices online, such as this audio exercise, or download an app on your phone, like Calm.

Read self-help books. There are many excellent books written by anxiety experts that can help you better understand anxiety and panic, and cope with them. For instance, you might check out When Panic Attacks by David D. Burns, or Mastery of your Anxiety and Panic: Workbook by David H. Barlow and Michelle G. Craske.

Focus on taking good care of yourself. This includes getting enough sleep, taking restorative breaks throughout the day, and limiting anxiety-provoking substances (e.g., caffeine, tobacco, alcohol). For instance, to get enough sleep, you might create a calming bedtime routine, and make sure your bedroom is a soothing, decluttered space. To take restorative breaks, you might listen to a 5-minute guided meditation on your app, stretch your body, or simply breathe deeply for a few minutes.

Be kind to yourself. When you struggle with panic attacks, you might despise your anxiety, and become furious with yourself. You might think you’re being weak and ridiculous by avoiding certain places and situations. And you might wish you were “normal.” This is when it’s especially important to be kind, patient, and gentle with yourself—even though you want to do the opposite. Remind yourself that you’re not alone, and others struggle, too. Remind yourself that you’re OK, even though you feel incredibly uncomfortable. Remind yourself that this isn’t permanent, and the symptoms will pass. Remind yourself that you can get through this. Because you can.

You are still thinking pretty clearly, despite what you are going through.

It’s definitely good to decompress like you’ve been doing.

I wish you could spend some time outdoors amid Nature. Nature can be like a loving kitty cat.

Oh my lovely Blazingstar, huge dragon hugs.

I sooooooo hope you can practice self-care more and get through all these difficult events going on in your life.

You seem to have a mountain on your shoulders crushing you but your strength is holding it all up.

Glad you are letting it all out here. Or anywhere.

Take care of that beautiful soul of yours.

You give so much that you leave little for yourself - give yourself permission to love yourself first.

Panic attacks are so draining, I'm hoping you have more time to rest, to recover from the physical effects. (()) +
When I had them quite badly I used breathing techniques and early warning signs to put the attacks off, but this led to nightmares that were much worse. I see them as my body forcing me to confront something.

I'm glad you have a replacement office manager lined up and are going through the motions of mind-body self care. Even if in your mind you dont have more clarity for doing them, I reckon your body needs the reprieve from the tension build up. Trust that you can get through this Blazingstar, like the many other difficult times before.

You will get through those, BlazingStar.

Like Amity said, you will use your experience and instincts to successfully navigate yourself through the latest pitfalls.

Barriers will be placed before you. There is always space to get around them, rather than bashing yourself through them.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

Mornings are always better for me.

I have named him Ralph, my deep body panic. We started talking this morning. He is remembering the times when the only protection I am was to climb into myself and become unresponsive for hours and days at a time. That is the only tool he has for protecting me.

I realized I have not given him any tools or skills to cope with these difficulties. So, today I have told him I will teach him the grownup skills one uses to get through tough times. Right now he seems pretty ready and even eager to have this lesson.

I told him that we can get through today's to-do list and that we will probably rest in the afternoon, so please to leave the deep body symptoms inside his toolbox because we will not need them today.

So, Ralph and I will face the day together.

Wish us luck.

Ralph is a nice, strong name.

Best wishes to you nad Ralph!

that is so good that you and Ralph are coming to an accomodation mutually beneficial.

You'll all be happy to know that Ralph and I have had an interesting day together and have learned from each other. All morning, as Ralph got nervous about various things, I would tell him that I had it under control, that we just have to do one thing after another and it will get done. And he was okay with that.

I explained to him that adults don't need to get all upset about every little thing, because as adults, we have skills and coping mechanisms and I would show him all about them. And every time he got nervous, I talked to him about it. So that was good.

Then I took break to go pee, have lunch, and so on and Ralph got really upset. He was jumping up and down and yelling at me. He was grabbing at my shirt and pointing back and said that I had to stop doing that because it was a problem. I told Ralph, everyone has to pee, it is okay to take a break from working to go pee. Ralph told me I was going to get in trouble. I also told him it was okay to break for lunch. He just got more and more upset and was making my stomach upset. So we talked back and forth, and he said if someone saw me either peeing or taking a break, horrible things would happen. Ralph said somebody was going to find out and he was pointing behind him and looking very scared. I asked him who was going to find out and he said our father was going to find out.

Well, I was taken aback. I told Ralph, "That old man? He's 80 some years old, crippled, living in a nursing home 3000 miles away and has few wits about him." Ralph said, "Really?" I said "yes, he is no threat to us." And Ralph said okay and he was then willing to let me pee and eat lunch.

Then I showed Ralph how beautiful our yard it, with the plants and the blue sky and the sun and he was happy again. I brought everyone in for a nap, dogs, cats, Ralph. He made my stomach hurt a little and reminded him it was ok to rest and no one was going to get us and the pain went away.

So, I have finished the contacts. I have one more visit tomorrow, one more plan, some odds and ends, but it is all doable. I have to let the stuff I have no control over just...go.

I learned some things today from Ralph and he learned some things from me. It was an educational day.

Thanks to all for listening.

Thank you all.