11 Jun 2021, 11:50 am
Fnord wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
I'm blunt....not sharp 
Actually, you are one of those people I mentioned who habitually use empty praises and sugary platitudes like, "Oh, don't worry so much. You're a nice guy. I'm sure everyone likes you and wants to see you do well, so cheer up and have a nice day..."What a negative interpretation of one of the most solid good guys on this forum. Sometimes those phrases don't come across as "empty" to the person who needs to hear them.
Sometimes people need to be assisted to calm down and realize their world is not falling apart because of x,y, or z. You (editorially) can't deal with the problem while you (editorially) are panicky.
The truly wonderful thing about this forum is all the different people present. Everyone has a gift of some kind. Everyone on this post has had wisdom to share. Different bits of wisdom for different people. Just because a post doesn't resonate with you (editorially) doesn't mean it doesn't have value to someone else.
11 Jun 2021, 12:18 pm
BlazingStar ain't so bad herself! 
She's a really smart lady with a lot of experience in life----rather a Renaissance Lady, actually.
And X-Files is really sensible as well....She gets to the crux of the matter. Why do you think she was made moderator?
11 Jun 2021, 7:52 pm
11 Jun 2021, 9:11 pm
Fnord wrote:
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I appreciate this post.
Thanks!browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
I keep quite a bit of myself contained in the real world. I have never felt it quite safe to be myself with people. I am very slow to warm up and keep to myself. I am 34 so in time maybe this will change. I think maybe there are two people in the real world outside of my children that I let myself be whole with. I am wondering if you can address this directly as you do all other things. I am not really good at having defense mechanisms, a lot of people do, passive aggression, black and white thinking, etc but I don't so that isn't helpful either.
A lot of us feel awkward around "normies"; but it does no good to dwell on those feelings -- sure, be aware of your feelings and acknowledge them, but do not obsess over them. Doing so starts a vicious cycle that is hard to break.My favorite defense mechanism is to withdraw. At a party, I might find a quiet corner somewhere, or go out to the patio and just "chill" by myself. At work, I switch off the overhead lights, which is a signal to others that I do not wish to be disturbed. At home, I retire to my "man cave", switch on the police scanner, and kick back with a good book.
browneyedgirlslowingdown wrote:
Regarding your commentary, everything I have seen in my short time has been accessible and understandable to me.
The simplest and most concise messages are usually the easiest to understand.I think maybe I wasn't clear, I don't know that I feel awkward, I feel unsafe. They can be predatory, invasive, and inappropriate. Often I struggle with defenses, so I just avoid them. This week alone three people, all of which were strangers came for one, one demanding to know what I was ethnically requesting that I pull down my mask and explain my appearance, the second spoke in sweeping generalizations and when I corrected her verbally attacked me, and the third well he just tried to push me into something I didn't want to do through manipulation. For every case, I, of course, left the situation, but the thing is people are always going to do this, its endless and I wonder sometimes what I can do about it, besides keeping to myself, which i do and this still happens. I suspect some defense mechanisms would be good. I have started just going silent and walking away. I might use that for a while.
12 Jun 2021, 10:18 am
Fnord wrote:
So as to avoid polluting another member's thread any further, I feel it necessary to set the record straight here.
When I say, "I do not care what other people think of me" this does NOT mean "I do not care about other people". It only means that I not longer concern myself with other people's opinions of me (unless the person is my wife or my boss, of course). Obsessing over what every other person -- including strangers -- thought of me had left me socially paralyzed for a very long time. Once I stopped this obsession, my life made a radical change for the better.
Of course, if a person is spreading lies about me, or trying to stir up trouble against me, I will try to set them straight. This will include starting separate threads like this one.
And while my blunt manner of presenting advice may seem to indicate a lack of concern for others, it is just my way of getting directly to the root of the problem instead of prolonging the problem with a lot of empty praise and sugary platitudes like, "Oh, don't worry so much. You're a nice guy. I'm sure everyone likes you and wants to see you do well, so cheer up and have a nice day..."
So yes, I do care about other people, but not their opinions of me.
When I say, "I do not care what other people think of me" this does NOT mean "I do not care about other people". It only means that I not longer concern myself with other people's opinions of me (unless the person is my wife or my boss, of course). Obsessing over what every other person -- including strangers -- thought of me had left me socially paralyzed for a very long time. Once I stopped this obsession, my life made a radical change for the better.
Of course, if a person is spreading lies about me, or trying to stir up trouble against me, I will try to set them straight. This will include starting separate threads like this one.
And while my blunt manner of presenting advice may seem to indicate a lack of concern for others, it is just my way of getting directly to the root of the problem instead of prolonging the problem with a lot of empty praise and sugary platitudes like, "Oh, don't worry so much. You're a nice guy. I'm sure everyone likes you and wants to see you do well, so cheer up and have a nice day..."
So yes, I do care about other people, but not their opinions of me.
Back to this original topic I agree. Most people have the wrong impression of you especially on forums because they don't actually know who you are or what goes on in your life. Most people associate the negative first I've found.
If I cared about the opinion of every single individual person I'd be an anxious wreck that never went outside or responded to any thread.
I'm very blunt myself so can relate, I don't care what people think about me though because they literally don't know me lol. But like you said it doesn't mean you don't care about people you're just blunt and to the point. I've noticed people take offense very easily these days though but that's their problem not mine.
Also, this reminded me of something, years ago I went to a forum meet for another board maybe like 10 years ago or something and everyone there was saying how nice I was or how nice another person was then we revealed our usernames and people were like shocked saying oh I thought you/him were bastards but you're actually really nice people. I imagine if there was a meet on here a lot of people would be pleasantly surprised lol.
12 Jun 2021, 12:05 pm
12 Jun 2021, 12:07 pm
Thanks, CF!
Now, about those counting threads...
Just kidding!
12 Jun 2021, 12:13 pm
Lunella wrote:
...If I cared about the opinion of every single individual person I'd be an anxious wreck that never went outside or responded to any thread...
This was me until a year or two of college after I left my parents' home -- paralysis by analysis of every word, gesture, and eyeblink of the people around me to try to figure out who was my friend and who was about to beat the snot out of me.Then I resolved to rid myself of that behavior. It took a while, but I can now deal with people in person more productively than I could as a child.
Please pardon the unpleasant language.
12 Jun 2021, 12:14 pm
12 Jun 2021, 12:56 pm
12 Jun 2021, 12:59 pm
12 Jun 2021, 1:01 pm
12 Jun 2021, 1:03 pm
12 Jun 2021, 1:05 pm
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,792
Location: Right over your left shoulder
12 Jun 2021, 1:07 pm
12 Jun 2021, 1:10 pm
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