My mum is definitely declining this time

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I do however, keep getting flashbacks about how my mum has treated me.

When I was pregnant, I was extremely ill. I had to give up my job, driving my car, my entire life. All I could do was sit at home in a chair, drained, sick, frightened, lonely, all day. I could barely shuffle to the toilet.

My mum hired a woman (lets call her Anne) to clean my house...that sounds like a nice thing to do, doesn't it?

But she knew full well that Anne was a criminal, convicted of abusing vulnerable people and banned for life from working with vulnerable people.

Why did she then hire Anne to work with her vulnerable, pregnant daughter? If Anne had attacked me or abused me, I was far too weak to run away or fight back. I shudder to think what could have happened.

When I realised the truth and what Anne had done in the past, I told her that I didn't have enough work for her and didn't need her anymore. Luckily she took it well and stopped visiting me.

It's fine to give criminals a second chance, but I would NOT risk my vulnerable, pregnant daughter and unborn child's lives with them! It was like my mum was prioritising Anne over me. Very frightening.

Hard to find goid help..honestly ...seen two different mothers here as they age look for cheap help through friends
of the childr en and others, basically these people started having friends over regularily and turned their houses into
drug selling houses , out of their own backyards..Late at night seen them running out to parked cars on the street and back again about every three hours on weekend nights . Watched this first hand for over a year.
Its goid that you git off easy, i think . Sorry you did not get better care during your most vulnerable times

It's not a question of me finding good help for myself, it's a badly intentioned mother's attitude to her own child.

Would you send an abusive cleaner to work at your vulnerable pregnant daughter's house? What sort of mother does that to her child and unborn grandchild?

NOT what I would do, ever.

If that was the only thing she had done to me in life, it could be excused as 'a mistake' but it is not the only thing she has done to me. She only does things that can be excused as 'a bad day' but how many bad days and 'mistakes' can someone make? It is a pattern, over and over and over again.

What she did to you is terrible. I'm so sorry to hear that. Having someone who is potentially dangerous around the house, when you are alone with them and you are, at that time, disabled and vulnerable is terrifying. And that your mother would put you in that position is awful.

It's not an excuse, at all, but it seems like there might be something going on with your mother (mental illness, past traumatic experiences, something else?). But then again, some people just behave terribly and there doesn't seem to be any explanation for it.

Thanks Bee.

I expect there is something going on with her but she has been like this for as long as I can remember. She was nice to me when I was a child but that stopped when I became an adult. I just thought it was normal behaviour for mother, for many decades. It was only recently that I realised other people have nice, kind, supportive mums.

I just learned to keep well away from her as much as possible. I had no one else apart from my husband when I was pregnant, but he was at work full time of course. My mum basically tortured me when I was pregnant- stopping me eating food when I needed it. Making me eat food that made me feel sick. Taking me on long car journeys when I was feeling very sick. Criticising how awful I looked, when I was so ill and unhappy and needed support. Promising me treats but never giving them. Refusing to take me to doctors appointments etc. so I had to stagger there myself. Ugh.

And she always said she was desperate for a grandchild? So why treat me like that when I was going to produce this much longed for grandchild? It doesn't make sense.

I've just accepted in the last few years, due to friends' comments, that my mum has a mental illness/condition or something that makes her act like this.

tbh, my few friends can't understand why I even bother with her now. They said most people would have cut off contact with her decades ago. It's only because I am nice and there is no one else to look after my mum, that I even bother to help. I don't do much though. I have my daughter and husband, I prioritise them.

I'm sure it's very very difficult given everything she has put you through, but I think it's right to help take care of your mother, only because she's your mother. I think family creates a kind of social contract, even though she has broken her end of the contract.

But if you ever decide differently you have every right to do so.

Yes, it is a social contract, you're right there. And there is just me. I have no siblings or cousins to help out. My mum has no siblings and her cousins are older than her and have their own families. I have no friends to help out and neither does my mum, even though she moved back to where we lived for decades.

The funny thing is, the social workers etc. think she's such a lovely old lady, who gets a bit tetchy sometimes. Yes, she appears lovely to strangers and in public but she has always been totally different in private- spiteful, unpredictable, cruel. Where there are no witnesses. She will get a free pass because people think her nasty behaviour is just part of getting old and senile, but she has always been like that.

It's hard being the supporter of everyone, but I think that is a mother/wife's lot these days, with no social network to help us out.

But having online friends helps

Well some good news. My mum is being tested for dementia and her financial arrangements are being taken care of by an expert charity. I have no expertise and no money to deal with all the financial arrangements I need to make for her. The arrangements could take up to a year but at least it's started the ball rolling.

If/when she is diagnosed with dementia I presume she will be eligible for more help and possibly a place to live that is more sheltered.

I am wondering how long she has had dementia as she has been so erratic, unpredictable, irresponsible and volatile for many decades. Maybe the brain scan will show this?

But it's making me think that me and my husband need to make arrangements for our health and finances by the time we are 80 or we will be in a mess.

Am glad your Mums situation is appearing to get better ..glad you have some hope for her ......And are getting her future worked out And obviously now you can understand stuff that maybe very well be coming up in your future years . And life insurance policies could be apart of that , just in case . Am no insurance salesperson but if
the worst hapoens to a mate , you might not want to be alone afterwards and insurance money would pick up alot
of the little things you do not expect when losing a loved one. Even paying for a maid as you are very old , when you lose a partner usually, ideally ....Then you might be able to continue living alone . Ideally both of you pass at the same time .But that is often Just Not the Case . Sorry end of life stuff can be difficult to deal with especially if it is your own? possibly . Am older and wish my late hubby and I had taken out life insurance policies . Those were treasured times with him. Before he passed . Good luck with your Mum , Hope you can get a SPECT scan done on your mum, those are very revealing about drmentia and Alzheimer brains.

Thanks Jakki.

It seems we lost a lot of the older generation in our family recently and it has made me think that we need to plan for our old age. We are already moving house to the area we hope to retire to i.e. where I grew up and where my mum lives. A nice, familiar place where we know where everything is. I do NOT want to grow old and die in my current village, it's the loneliest place IMO.

Looks like dementia will be coming up in both mine and my husband's future. His mum had it and now my mum has too.

Sorry to hear you lost your husband, I hope you are finding happiness in your current life.

Do you know if scans can show how long someone has had dementia? My mum has been so unpredictable and forgetful for as long as I can remember.

yes , i think Spect scans can give approx time the issue has been advancing . tyvm for your wishes about late hubby
very tragic stuff. Hope you get moved and get settled in time for all your life stuff to come together.
Once again best wishes with your mum ... might look into ideas around using Nootropic supplements and brain health, lots of research and good results from my use and indepth reading about them . just a fyi.

It's comforting to hear you will be hopefully getting some information, and that a charity will be helping with financial issues. That would be a huge relief for me. My sister does all of that.

I'm sure it will still be a challenge and a struggle, and I wish you the best with everything.

Take care of yourself as well as you can.

Thanks for your good wishes. Again, I'm sorry about your hubby Life goes so bloody quickly doesn't it.

It will be very interesting if they say my mum has had dementia for many years. It would explain a lot. Or if she has some other form of mental condition/ brain difference. She has always been a frightening woman, so unpredictable, volatile and irrational. She once did a personality test as part of an employment course or something, and was assessed as a potential criminal, with a very divergent way of thinking and a high risk taker. That says it all to me.

Thank you for your kind thoughts. I have no idea about finances and can't afford the fees needed to manage my mum's affairs, so I was panicking. We need all our money for moving house soon.

Best wishes.

Well that was fun. One of my mum's oldest friends contacted me to ask why she couldn't get in touch with my mum and I had to tell her that my mum is declining fast and has dementia now.

Life passes so bloody fast, doesn't it! I blinked and I was the senior lady in my family and my baby daughter is an adult. Jeez.