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gbollard
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23 Mar 2008, 6:46 pm

Graelwyn,

Daniel is only speaking as one person. You're quite welcome to post here as often as you like and on issues that concern you.

The haven should really be a place of shelter and healing.

If people don't feel that they want to contribute to the healing of a particular individual, it would be better if they didn't invade their shelter (ie: your personal thread).

I hope you can start to feel better about yourself.


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Graelwyn
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23 Mar 2008, 6:51 pm

gbollard wrote:
Graelwyn,

Daniel is only speaking as one person. You're quite welcome to post here as often as you like and on issues that concern you.

The haven should really be a place of shelter and healing.

If people don't feel that they want to contribute to the healing of a particular individual, it would be better if they didn't invade their shelter (ie: your personal thread).

I hope you can start to feel better about yourself.


It upsets me as I do get days when I really do wish to die but I have yyet to find the courage. I guess I am gutless and cowardly for still being here taking up space eh.

I am struggling, my issues are genuine. I have struggled with these particular issues for months before I posted about them, in spite of being ashamed that they revolve around such a shallow and stupid thing as my physical form. But it goes past that, my OCD gets severe when any stress is present.

My issues come and go, they arent constant.
I have periods where I manage ok and dont post about anything.

It is just recently I really have fallen into a hole and my rational mind cannot get a grip over these obsessions that cause genuine distress.

To the point I have broken/chipped bones in my rage at myself, namely my cheekbones.

I am consumed with self hate a lot of the time as it is. I do not need anyone perpetuating that just because I speak openly of my problems and just because I do get suicidal a lot.

A past member here got that way as well and now she is no longer with us, so I do not think encouraging someone who is depressed to kill themselves is a nice thing to do.

Now I know why I left this place for months.



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23 Mar 2008, 7:06 pm

Danielismyname wrote:
Graelwyn wrote:
Go to hell, you have the emotional capacity and the emotional understanding of a teaspoon. Hypocritical you are consdering the number of people you have told to die in this forum.Are you even human? I doubt it very much. Keep your mouth shut if you dont have any understanding of where someone is at.


I probably will, but that's beside the point. I wouldn't discredit the ability of a spoon so easily, and in a way, that's a compliment for I like spoons. Hypocritical? I only want a few select people who deserve such to die, so not really, if you wish to die so much, and correct me if I'm wrong, you seem to say this often: die. You post it enough times, and well, you just don't seem to die, and I thought that perhaps you might need some encouragement; I'm quite thoughtful. If you hate your life so much, and you post this enough times too: take it.

I think I'm human, though I wish I weren't many times; I'd rather be a spoon or something as they don't hear the false wailings of the sheep time after time, and see how people come running with useless empathy time after time.

You seem to post where you're at in vivid detail, i.e., I wish I were dying in immense pain and with no dignity, and of an infliction that takes many, many people who don't want it.

And another insightful, and really, really thought provoking post by Kilroy.


You're a f*****g moron. People with mental illness suffer just as much in their own minds as any sufferer of physical illness does. And life for them is even more difficult due to the difficulty in finding respite from their afflictions, which are complex and often incurable. That, coupled with lack of understanding from piles human excrement like you, can make life for them a living hell.

I don't want you to die. No, instead I hope you develop a psychotic/depressive illness: Perhaps then you will understand what it is to truly wish you were dead.


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gbollard
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23 Mar 2008, 8:10 pm

Graelwyn wrote:
It upsets me as I do get days when I really do wish to die but I have yyet to find the courage. I guess I am gutless and cowardly for still being here taking up space eh.


I'd say that pretty much everyone here gets at least a few days where they want to die. I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be, but I still wish I could die several times per week. I've got responsibilities though, so I'm not afforded that luxury.

If being gutless is the reason for your continued survival, then I applaud it. I'm glad that you're "gutless" because there is at least something keeping you here.

Don't give in - there's a lot to live for and you haven't tasted much of life. It's not all good but it's not all bad either.

Have you ever helped anyone? Made anyone's day? I bet you have.
This is what life is all about - helping eachother.


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23 Mar 2008, 8:24 pm

Danielismyname, Aridarr, please stop the personal attacks. And Danielismyname, consider very carefully what you say in future.


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Graelwyn
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23 Mar 2008, 8:28 pm

gbollard wrote:
Graelwyn wrote:
It upsets me as I do get days when I really do wish to die but I have yyet to find the courage. I guess I am gutless and cowardly for still being here taking up space eh.


I'd say that pretty much everyone here gets at least a few days where they want to die. I'm nowhere near as bad as I used to be, but I still wish I could die several times per week. I've got responsibilities though, so I'm not afforded that luxury.

If being gutless is the reason for your continued survival, then I applaud it. I'm glad that you're "gutless" because there is at least something keeping you here.

Don't give in - there's a lot to live for and you haven't tasted much of life. It's not all good but it's not all bad either.

Have you ever helped anyone? Made anyone's day? I bet you have.
This is what life is all about - helping eachother.


I have helped people, I used to help in a chatroom for people who were suicidal some years ago, and I helped a lot people when I was more spiritually connected.

But I feel I ruin it all by needing help myself when I need it. I used to say to someone, what use is it if I help someone if I then need help myself, it kind of defeats the object.

I am no use to anyone now anyway, like this.
Night after night I end up talking about these issues with my bf, and ending up a wreck over what to other people are tiny things... i mean, who the hell stands and studies their own butt and then ends up in a mess over it? It is pathetic, bu I cannot seem to stop, it is like a compulsion whenever I am alone with my own thoughts.

When I am outside of this apt and in the open, I am ok.
This happens only when I am inside this place.
I seem to be developing one compulsion after another. I manage to resolve one thing in my mind, and another comes along and takes it's place.

It is a relief on the evenings when I can manage to lay down and relax with minimal time obsessing over the mirror and measurements and clothes and god knows what else.

And no matter how much I rationalise it, it doesn't help me stop these actions.

I can look in the mirror and see myself as thin, and 10 minutes later when I lay down, I will be feeling fat just because my clothes dig in a little... I can feel thin and content and then eat a light meal and instantly, I will become angry and obsessive again. It is that bad.

I want to try and get cognitive behavioural therapy, but as said in another thread, I am terrible with dates and keep forgetting my appointments with the shrink, along with the fact I would not feel happy sharing these details... I feel he would look down on me.



Last edited by Graelwyn on 23 Mar 2008, 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ebec11
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23 Mar 2008, 8:29 pm

Danielismyname wrote:
Graelwyn wrote:
Go to hell, you have the emotional capacity and the emotional understanding of a teaspoon. Hypocritical you are consdering the number of people you have told to die in this forum.Are you even human? I doubt it very much. Keep your mouth shut if you dont have any understanding of where someone is at.


I probably will, but that's beside the point. I wouldn't discredit the ability of a spoon so easily, and in a way, that's a compliment for I like spoons. Hypocritical? I only want a few select people who deserve such to die, so not really, if you wish to die so much, and correct me if I'm wrong, you seem to say this often: die. You post it enough times, and well, you just don't seem to die, and I thought that perhaps you might need some encouragement; I'm quite thoughtful. If you hate your life so much, and you post this enough times too: take it.

I think I'm human, though I wish I weren't many times; I'd rather be a spoon or something as they don't hear the false wailings of the sheep time after time, and see how people come running with useless empathy time after time.

You seem to post where you're at in vivid detail, i.e., I wish I were dying in immense pain and with no dignity, and of an infliction that takes many, many people who don't want it.

And another insightful, and really, really thought provoking post by Kilroy.
What!?! WHY would you want somebody to die? Even if they say it a lot, it doesn't mean they mean it. I know from experience that she just wants somebody to care.
This is very frustrating, as I can't insult you like I really want to because it's against the rules. But as a warning, I blow up easily when people say mean stuff, and we both don't want that.



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23 Mar 2008, 9:25 pm

Quatermass wrote:
Danielismyname,...


I have made none, nor have I attacked anyone (you can gladly sift through everything I have said and look for a personal attack other than moral/philosophical differences, you won't find one; you can see the zillion personal attacks by others directed at me however).

I'll be back to reply to the emotion later.



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23 Mar 2008, 9:37 pm

Danielismyname wrote:
Quatermass wrote:
Danielismyname,...


I have made none, nor have I attacked anyone (you can gladly sift through everything I have said and look for a personal attack other than moral/philosophical differences, you won't find one; you can see the zillion personal attacks by others directed at me however).

I'll be back to reply to the emotion later.
Telling somebody to kill themselves isn't a personal attack!?!?!?! :roll: 8O :roll:
You infuriate me so much!! !! !



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23 Mar 2008, 9:39 pm

Graelwyn: with the understanding that we neither like nor get along with each other very much, this post is meant seriously.

Past a certain point, you're not going to be able to shrink your hips down anymore. Because of genetics, some women have bigger hips than others; it's just one of those roll of the dice things. The bones will only allow you to take them so far in until they're pressed against the bones, and then you can't go much further.

I don't think butts are meant to be pretty; I've never seen them as pretty parts of the body, in any case. Unless you're doing strength training, there should be no reason for the muscles to increase in size; running and biking and such will build lean muscle instead of bulky muscles. Weight gain is possible, I suppose, because muscles weigh more than fat, but that doesn't mean that you've expanded in size at all; the fat will be burning off, and the lean muscles will take its place, so if anything, you would be decreasing in size. Since the wrinkles are bothering you, it might be an idea to check into some lotions at the store; there are some that are specifically meant for smoothing out skin. The wrinkles are more of a natural process than an indication of weight or age.

You don't have to be a size 0 to be anorexic; the mindset and the eating/exercising habits are important for the dx. You've said that you've struggled with anorexia before; have you gone to see a doctor about it lately? Even if your worries are brought on by OCD instead of an ED, he or she might be able to help you with the body dsymorphia and allow you to see how you really look instead of how your mind percieves you look.

It might also be an idea to go back to the doctor who diagnosed you with bipolar disorder, or a different one if you'd rather, and tell them about the OCD. The rituals you're going through are taxing on you, and some medication might help ease the burden a bit. You're not silly for having this problem, nor does it make you any less of a person. It's a serious thing that you don't have control over.

I do sincerely hope you feel better.


As for this part:

ebec11 wrote:
What!?! WHY would you want somebody to die? Even if they say it a lot, it doesn't mean they mean it. I know from experience that she just wants somebody to care.
This is very frustrating, as I can't insult you like I really want to because it's against the rules. But as a warning, I blow up easily when people say mean stuff, and we both don't want that.


If you reread the post, you'll notice that he didn't say that he wanted her to die; there's a difference between wanting and advising. He said that he wanted a few people (that he felt deserved it) to die, but if you don't know the circumstances behind it, I suggest you not judge that.
Blowing up doesn't do much over the internet, by the way (I've done that; it doesn't accomplish anything); it's kind of a moot threat.


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Graelwyn
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23 Mar 2008, 9:48 pm

RainSong wrote:
Graelwyn: with the understanding that we neither like nor get along with each other very much, this post is meant seriously.

Past a certain point, you're not going to be able to shrink your hips down anymore. Because of genetics, some women have bigger hips than others; it's just one of those roll of the dice things. The bones will only allow you to take them so far in until they're pressed against the bones, and then you can't go much further.

I don't think butts are meant to be pretty; I've never seen them as pretty parts of the body, in any case. Unless you're doing strength training, there should be no reason for the muscles to increase in size; running and biking and such will build lean muscle instead of bulky muscles. Weight gain is possible, I suppose, because muscles weigh more than fat, but that doesn't mean that you've expanded in size at all; the fat will be burning off, and the lean muscles will take its place, so if anything, you would be decreasing in size. Since the wrinkles are bothering you, it might be an idea to check into some lotions at the store; there are some that are specifically meant for smoothing out skin. The wrinkles are more of a natural process than an indication of weight or age.

You don't have to be a size 0 to be anorexic; the mindset and the eating/exercising habits are important for the dx. You've said that you've struggled with anorexia before; have you gone to see a doctor about it lately? Even if your worries are brought on by OCD instead of an ED, he or she might be able to help you with the body dsymorphia and allow you to see how you really look instead of how your mind percieves you look.

It might also be an idea to go back to the doctor who diagnosed you with bipolar disorder, or a different one if you'd rather, and tell them about the OCD. The rituals you're going through are taxing on you, and some medication might help ease the burden a bit. You're not silly for having this problem, nor does it make you any less of a person. It's a serious thing that you don't have control over.

I do sincerely hope you feel better.


I appreciate your insight.
I do wish to see someone, I honestly have stupidly either forgotten appointments, got the date memorised wrong or not been able to sleep the night before. Lack of sleep seriously seems to make things worse.

I did have anorexia before, but now I do not know how much of this is anorexia issues and how much is just that I have focussed my OCD on my weight.

I have days when I manage to rationalise and get through a day relatively calmly and unscathed.

The next day I will be full of violent anger and self hatred and rituals. I was not like this before, it has never been this severe and I am wondering if something has affected the chemistry in my brain.

I shall try and get another appointment with the psychiatrist, but as said, I find these issues shameful and totally extreme and shallow in their nature. And in truth, I suppose part of me has given up on there being a solution to my deep self hatred, after so many years.

I have tried to think my way into liking myself, but it just doesn't work. I end up back here again and again, and it gets disheartening.

I would like to be able to flick a switch that suddenly makes me 'normal' .

again, thank you for the words, I will re read the body related ones when I am feeling irrational in my perception.



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23 Mar 2008, 9:53 pm

ebec11 wrote:
Telling somebody to kill themselves isn't a personal attack!?!?!?! :roll: 8O :roll:
You infuriate me so much!! !! !


You're easy to infuriate; your logic doesn't compute.

Well, if someone wants to die, they say they wish to kill themselves, how is it a personal attack to offer them encouragement? I mean, how is it helpful to tell people not to kill themselves if they want to, and saying that things might get better (they might get a hell of a lot worst, and death might be the best way to go)? Unless they truly don't wish to kill themselves....

Have a look at the other side.



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23 Mar 2008, 9:57 pm

RainSong wrote:


As for this part:
ebec11 wrote:
What!?! WHY would you want somebody to die? Even if they say it a lot, it doesn't mean they mean it. I know from experience that she just wants somebody to care.
This is very frustrating, as I can't insult you like I really want to because it's against the rules. But as a warning, I blow up easily when people say mean stuff, and we both don't want that.


If you reread the post, you'll notice that he didn't say that he wanted her to die; there's a difference between wanting and advising. He said that he wanted a few people (that he felt deserved it) to die, but if you don't know the circumstances behind it, I suggest you not judge that.
Blowing up doesn't do much over the internet, by the way (I've done that; it doesn't accomplish anything); it's kind of a moot threat.
Okay, I agree with the moot point. Plus I'm past the point of return anyways, so there's no point in threatening him with what I'll do as I'm going headon onto the offensive. but advicing or wanting somebody to die isn't too much of a different. If somebody had say that to me in grade 8, I would have done it, and he would have been the straw that broke the camel's back

Plus saying "If you want to die so much: die." can definitely be thought as wanting them to die, so I REALLY disagree with you.



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23 Mar 2008, 10:01 pm

Danielismyname wrote:
ebec11 wrote:
Telling somebody to kill themselves isn't a personal attack!?!?!?! :roll: 8O :roll:
You infuriate me so much!! !! !


You're easy to infuriate; your logic doesn't compute.

Well, if someone wants to die, they say they wish to kill themselves, how is it a personal attack to offer them encouragement? I mean, how is it helpful to tell people not to kill themselves if they want to, and saying that things might get better (they might get a hell of a lot worst, and death might be the best way to go)? Unless they truly don't wish to kill themselves....

Have a look at the other side.


Have you ever felt suicidal? I think this is something that would be difficult to comprehend if you lack experience with such feelings; a person my express that they want to die simply as a way of communicating the magnitude of how awful they feel. When a person says that they want to die, they may really wish not to die but to be shown a path out of the pain so that they can live in relative peace with themselves.

I can't speak for the OP, but my personal experience has taught me this.

And bending her ear over the suffering of cancer patients won’t exactly help her feel better. She didn’t hurt anyone simply by expressing that she wanted to contract cancer. And I don’t think she meant to make light of their suffering; more to show the depth of her own - which I can assure you, having suffered from an eating disorder myself, is considerable and agonizing.


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Last edited by Aridarr on 23 Mar 2008, 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ebec11
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23 Mar 2008, 10:04 pm

Danielismyname wrote:
ebec11 wrote:
Telling somebody to kill themselves isn't a personal attack!?!?!?! :roll: 8O :roll:
You infuriate me so much!! !! !


You're easy to infuriate; your logic doesn't compute.

Well, if someone wants to die, they say they wish to kill themselves, how is it a personal attack to offer them encouragement? I mean, how is it helpful to tell people not to kill themselves if they want to, and saying that things might get better (they might get a hell of a lot worst, and death might be the best way to go)? Unless they truly don't wish to kill themselves....

Have a look at the other side.

Um, as a previously suicidal person, I completely disagree. In most cases, people who are suicidal are crying for help, and the only solution they can think of is death. However life is about the ups and downs, and they shouldn't give up. I know that was the case for me. I won't go on as I'll continue on the same path of my last post, and you'll just give me a flippant response about repeating stuff instead of actually thinking about what I said.

Seriously Buddy, you haven't seen my completely infuriated state yet. You REALLY don't want to go there.



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23 Mar 2008, 10:08 pm

Aridarr wrote:
Have you ever felt suicidal? I think this is something that would be difficult to comprehend if you lack experience with such feelings; a person my express that they want to die simply as a way of communicating the magnitude of how awful they feel. When a person says that they want to die, they may really wish not to die but to be shown a path out of the pain so that they can live in relative peace with themselves.

I can't speak for the OP, but my personal experience has taught me this.

And bending her ear over the suffering of cancer patients won’t exactly help her feel better. She didn’t hurt anyone simply by expressing that she wanted to contract cancer. And I don’t think she meant to make light of their suffering; more to show the depth of her own - which I can assure you, having suffered from an eating disorder myself, is considerable and agonizing.


Yeah, I have suicidal ideation every second of my life; mental illness and all. I don't want these thoughts, but they're there--this isn't about my problems.

One must remember that this is a forum for those with ASDs, so when someone says they wish to die, or kill themselves; many of us will take it literally, and we won't see the need for compassion or care when one doesn't explicitly ask for such.

I see it as a disservice to those dying from cancer to wish for what they have when most don't want it--there's far easier, and less insulting ways to wish for the aid to kill oneself.



Last edited by Danielismyname on 23 Mar 2008, 10:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.