Im in so much emotional and existential pain/noone will help

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whatever you are comfortable with

i was in such horrid pain on wedsndays from total sleep deprivation. part of it was being in my parents house but this problem just wont go away. I slepted much better at my apartment, but it wasnt real sleep. I feel better their than at my parents house. I had a talk with my new case manager on saturday, and he seemed a littel curious as to why i didnt just get up and do stuff. My mom is taking me to a chiropracter on thurs, i hope it works, i just have no idea who or what will fix this problem. THe problem seems that more i complain about this problem the more it seems no one wants to believe me. My peer support people kinda get really annoyed when i mention this problem as well as the people on line. My mom says she understands but then laters says she thinks im fine. Every looks at me and sees that i dont act wacky and speak well. THe problem is no one notices what i dont do. I dont do anything sponteanoeus or intellectual or spirutual or recreational or speak up for my self or anything expressive. I am pretty impaired as to what i can do.

I acutally feel pretty good right now but its not the real thing.

Its been getting to the point that when i go to bed its more like im dead than sleeping.

Hi again, Nightbender. It's interesting that so many people are having trouble seeing exactly what is wrong with you. From what you are saying, the problem seems to be at least partly a lack of energy and motivation. Is it possible that you're suffering from clinical depression? That could certainly explain a lot of your symptoms, including the pain, sleeping problems and inability to concentrate and engage with life. Depression can cause a lot of different physical and mental symptoms and is sometimes overlooked if a person doesn't seem obviously "sad". What do you think? Of course, you may already have investigated this possibility, for all I know, but if you haven't, it may be worth asking someone about it. Jenny

I wouldnt be suprised. I pretty much know darn well that i get depressed often and its over this problem. Being cut off from your true self and being impaired in what you can do is enough to make anyone depressed. Being cut off from the ability of care providers to help you will make you depressed. When you want something so bad and you cant have it or something is out wack in your life your going to keep getting depressed. i tend to see this a result rather than a cause. also people who have had brain injuries tend to get depressed. one of the many effects of the meds was causing anhedonia wich is really anoying when i realize its going on. I rather wish this was simply depression because thats easy to fix. I spent the last several years endlessly researching and obsessing over every known treatment and therapy to fix emotional/mental disorders, wich is how i got myself out of the hospital out of the out patient program and then off the meds and achieved more or less perfect psychological stability cept the recovery period didnt go to well .


I pretty much know i am but its because im notting getting what i want

thanks

i got the information back on the doctor i wanted to see that looked good. he seemed a tad pricey and his service involved alot of unnesesary stuff like having a computer and fax and being served meals in the room while you were being evaluated.

It's good that you're investigating treatments, but while you're doing that, are you able to keep yourself active in any way? I think it's important to try to keep yourself as physically and mentally active as possible. Sometimes setting a few small goals and pushing yourself to do a few things, even if you don't really want to, can spur you on to keep extending yourself more and more. It's all too easy to sink into a depression, to just sit around brooding about things and not do much when you're feeling unwell. Then, because you've been brooding, you feel more depressed and because you've been inactive, you don't sleep well, and the problems just compound themselves.

i have my apartment to attend to and i m gonna go to the gym more. My big problem is lack of intellectual and sensory stimulation

Intellectual stimulation shouldn't be too hard to find. There are always books, documentaries, movies, art galleries, museums, websites, newspapers, podcasts, conversation, classes, study- what are you interested in?

As for sensory stimulation- interesting food and music are readily available. Or visit the zoo- plenty of sounds, smells and sights there. Or get a massage, or go swimming or take up yoga or do whatever you think you'd enjoy. It sounds like you need to push yourself to enjoy your life a bit more.

theirs the problem.

the medications left severe cognitve/neuropsych defiecits wich never really went away, i cant comprehend in terms of learning and undestanding, i cant follow anykind of tv show or movie play games, research stuff on the internet i have probally the same or lower level of cognitive function as the retartd girl who lives across from my parents house whose iq is prob about in the 30's

further i have no sense of smell or touch and music sounds like noise i look at stuff and dont notice anything vidually(sorry if im making it hard for you to try to help)

No, it's ok, you're not "making it hard" for me. Anyway, I'm very persistent.

I've seen you respond coherently to some quite complex posts in these forums. That'd require a reasonable level of cognitive functioning. Are you sure you're not underestimating your abilities? You may need to take things slowly or break information into small chunks to process it, but if you can read my posts and understand them, you could certainly comprehend some other material to keep yourself intellectually stimulated.

You must notice SOME visual stuff, otherwise you'd be blind. No sense of smell or touch at all? That's unusual.

well i'll be more spefic, when i was neuropsych/psychologically tested they found that every aspect of my proccessing capacity was severly reduced or destroyed except hard long term memory. I still retained a general awareness of whats going on with my stuff. AN interesting thing wich should be obvious to anyone in the autistic community is that speach/language/communication is not dependatnt ont the ability to think. THis little abilty i have is what got me out the nut house so many times i would be severly messed up but be able to speak intelligently, so they thought i was fine.

In all those posts im generally just relaying stuff i have already learned or simply stuff based on feelings


Its kinda of like alot of abilities are suppresed and just need to reconnect

well i'll be more spefic, when i was neuropsych/psychologically tested they found that every aspect of my proccessing capacity was severly reduced or destroyed except hard long term memory. I still retained a general awareness of whats going on with my stuff. AN interesting thing wich should be obvious to anyone in the autistic community is that speach/language/communication is not dependatnt ont the ability to think. THis little abilty i have is what got me out the nut house so many times i would be severly messed up but be able to speak intelligently, so they thought i was fine.

In all those posts im generally just relaying stuff i have already learned or simply stuff based on feelings


Its kinda of like alot of abilities are suppresed and just need to reconnect.


Alot of this stuff is just because of the unusual structe of my mind prior to all the meds.

Well, you know yourself best. I still think that the ability to identify precisely what another person is asking and to address that query effectively in a response requires considerable cognitive ability. If you were just echoing my words or giving one-word responses, I'd readily agree that it was just a matter of having some intact linguistic capability. That's not what you appear to be doing, though. But I'm no expert and I guess I'm not being much help here, really. Thanks for explaining, anyway. I hope you can find an appropriate expert to help you, Nightbender.

thank you so much just for responding, it helps me just to have someone to talk to.

Part of it is that that im blocked from accesing my abilities, the other is that i cant drone on talking about myself but if asked about some some subject of whatever type that i ought to have knowledge in i cant.

I'm happy to talk with you. You're a nice distraction from a pile of work that I'm supposed to be doing. What other subjects do you like talking about?