Rants

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O...M...G.



My mother wants me to delete all my posts for my own safety. I'm sorry, but I NEED people to understand my s**t. I took a LOT of trouble to post it all. I'm with good friends now, two of them, and two more are coming, and I'm the one that f*****g introduced them all online. I know they could still all gang bang me but as long as they don't kill me I don't f*****g care. I need people to understand my s**t. There's physical rape, and there's emotional psychological rape. And trying to censor my posts or brainwash me into censoring them is psychological rape. It scares the s**t out of me. And for the record, I wasn't raped yet.



f*****g paranoid b***h. Probably just trying to make me get rid of all the stuff about her she doesn't like.


If she really cared about my safety she would be asking me to come back, because OMGOMGOMg I'm living in the same house as them!! ! So I think she's jsut dying to have her sister not see my posts because she told my sister my username on here and my father probably knows it too.

Up until I was 12 I wasn't allowed to go anywhere on my own, even down the street to the school bus stop in broad daylight. My mother said that if I went anywhere she'd call the police. The unspoken message being that the cops would side with HER. She said I wouldn't be allowed to take public transit or walk anywhere on my own until I was a teenager and I was bigger and therefore my legs were longer and I was better able to run. I know a lot of kids at the private school I went to in grade 7 and 8, whose parents are the same way, not letting them go anywhere on their own, even down the street, until they were 12 and in 7th grade. And I wonder how they turned out. Probably way better than me. Because most people aren't spewing s**t on the internet day and night like me. But probably with a few problems. They're probably successful workers at big firms but some of them probably take antidepressants.


ASnd theywonder why I'm f*****g emotionally disturbed. So most people are able to take it. I can't. They should realize that some people can't and not take chances.

I feel really sad, likle a sinner, like I did something bad, like a liar even though I'm not. I don't understand why she did or said or thought those things; all I know is how it made me feel. She'll say I don't understand people or can't read them, because I don't understand her. She always did that. But she is not all people. She thinks she's like all people and I'm more wierd than her. Maybe I am. But that doesn't make me less understandable than her. Wierd doesn't have to mean hard to understand.

I feel like I was somehow too harsh with my mother. I know I did a lot of bad things to her by posting this stuff but I'm honestly ignorant as to what better way to get it all out in the open where people can support me (or at least one person, anyway) and she can read the posts without being able to contact anyone to have them deleted. She did hurt me a lot in my life and I know that 99% of it was probably unintentional, so I should be nice and forgive her and be diplomatic, but I honestly don't know how; I'm honestly ignorant.

I so wish I was one of those skinny girls out there who has hips so narrow they can wear anything they like, and get into the smallest sizes.

I curse my build...why did I have to have wide hips? I have no use for the damn things since I do not want kids.

And why is it that the more I exercise, the larger I seem to be getting?

I have cut my food down so much and exercise, yet I am only 7ibs lighter than when I ate what I liked and did not exercise...how the hell does that work ?

And the butt... Why does it have to look so rounded and wide from the back?

Every night I spend ages holding a mirror close to it and my God...it isn't even nice, young, smooth skin over it... and that nasty bit of cellulite at the top of my thigh at the back...that is like fat to me and I want to cut it off.

I just did a search on youtube for the "neurotypicalism everyday" video, because the author of that video also did one on what auttism speaks spent their money on. And I know that someone on here flagged autism everyday as "hate speech", yet it's still on youtube. It's like that every video in which autistic people speak for themselves (and especially if it's against autism speaks) it's deleted, yet any vid from AS (who, as we all know, claim to speak for us) against autism isn't touched!
If this isn't enough proof that AS, along with its supporters don't want us to speak for ourselves, and that AS doesn't care about anything other that money, their image and the negative portrayal of autism, and the fact that they can't take any criticism whatsoever, then what is?

I want to see that too; I should look for it.


I act like s**t and you won't believe this, but I can't stop it. Well, I can but it will literally kill me. If I stop complaining, act all happy and nice, standardize my behavior, exhibit appropriate actions and reactions... trying to make me do that is literally murder. A justifiable homicide, perhaps.

I feel like I don't deserve to exist because I'm not willing to work or make sacrifices.


All of life is one big sacrifice. There's no fun in it. When you do have fun, you feel like you didn't earn it, and there's something telling you, "You're lucky, that's why you got it. You didn't deserve it."


I'm a hopeless far-gone useless piece of crap who doesn't respond to love and affection and material support no matter how much is given to me. I'm like a bottomless pit with my understimulation-- I need more, more, more! Cummon, cough it up, I need it!

The username of the person who made that video is christschool. I just looked for it, but it has been taken down
I dunno if christschool took it down, or if the youtube admins did.

Last edited by Cheerlessleader on 14 Mar 2008, 7:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

And why was it taken down? Because the behaviorists won. again. As usual. I don't even know if I want to exist in this stupid, pathetic behaviorist society. So full of filthy scum.

Topshop...get your bloody act together, will you?

Keep your sizes universal or change the labelling.

I do not expect to go into your stores and find a size 10 pair of jodphurs too large on me.

3 size 10 pairs of fitted jeans and shorts fitting me fine.

And 1 pair of size 10 shorts not even doing up around my hips...


Not everyone has neat 34 inch hips...deal with it.

This clothing sizing issue is absurd.

It does not take into account that a woman can have a size 8 waist, size 8 legs and size 10 hips, or even size 12 hips.

(uk sizing... in usa that is size 4, size 4 and size 6)

It is time they did what it was said was being done... all clothes come in waist and hips sizes rather than this stupid 8,10,12, 14 etc.

I hate sensible people. "Sensible", "practical", "logical", "mature", "responsible", serious, "educated", cynical, questioning, "intellectually honest", "experienced", "realistic", "brutally honest" people are some of the most obnoxious, irritating, annoying, dead, disturbed, snobbish, pompous, aloof, pious, know-it-all, cynical, pessimistic, stuck-up, miserable, boring people I've ever had the bad luck to come across!

There's a big void inside my head that needs filling.

My mother said about three times, with months or years between them, that she didn't remember me ever calling her anything-- mom, ma, mummy, anything. One or two of the times she stated it as a fact, that I had never. With my father the same thing, she said I never called him anything. But that's totally not true. I did until I was 9 or 10 when I got embarrassed around people and embarrassed to call her anything. I called my father Daddy around her but not around him... well, I think I did when I was really young. When I was 4 or 5 I called him Mr. Bear. After that I didn't call him anything, I was embarrassed to for some reason from when I accidentaly called him daddy when I was 5 and I'm wierd but this is true, anyway.

Not that this is what depresses me, but it causes mistrust of these people, which does depress me.


My mother said that when I was a baby my father didn't want me either, that he didn't want to have anything to do with me or her and was just going to abandon us. My father said that my mother, as soon as she could, went to court and lied, telling them that my father didn't want to see me and didn't care about me. And so she got legal custody of me. My dad, when I was 11, said that it wasn't fair; that my mother had me for 11 years and therefore he should have me for at least 10. Another time when I was 11 he said I should be with him more often because my mother raised me to be a "shrinking violet" like her. When I was 12 my mother took a nursing assistant course and gave several reasons for dropping it. Her mother told her she was too smart to be cleaning up s**t, she didn't want to clean up s**t anyway, but the reason she sounded most passionate about when she said it was "I've had you for all these ears and I'm not giving you to him now." Because she would be at the hospital all the time working and I'd have to stay at my dad's place. My dad was mad at her, as it was a well-paying job, and as if she thought he was a bad parent. He had wierd opinions about things, like once when he said I sometimes needed to be yelled at and called names, but at least he had and has an excellent memory and kept his word. My mother conveniently forgot stuff and had a very selective memory, and didn't keep promises very often. She would tell what she remembered, accurate or not, like it was the truth and anyone else who corrected her account was either misremembering or lying, or had a selective memory themselves and was being stubborn.

I'm sick of the flame wars that are happening, here. f*****g sick of them.