Edna3362 wrote:
Note to anyone; myself included.
Executive function is not the same as motivation or any kind of emotions involved.
The last time I had a full blown working executive function was in a very lazy and apathethic mood, yet did just about everything right only with simple intent.
Because somewhere, inside my biological processing, is self regulating and self monitoring.
No distractions, no overwhelm, no stupid forgetfulness, no 'accidents', no 'mishearing' or 'misreading'. Intent and actions matches.
It's about control and without
that amount of conscious effort except intent itself for a navigation.
It's never about "caring enough" or "trying harder" or even "knowing enough".
At all.
It is not a skill itself -- coping and compensating for it is a very different skill and not the same -- but itself is a key to do skills.
But more like having more than enough fuel to automatically prevent that annoying internal see-saw like dysregulation that inevitably distorts perception, judgment and disregards intent translate into behaviors.
Sort of like an oil to a machines' gears than a fuel.
It never mattered how much fuel one has if the gears are stuck, missing, blocked or broken -- unreliable.
I know mine is either stuck or blocked, instead of missing or broken.
That's the only relief I have -- a chance to find my kind of 'oil' to my cognitive gears.
And I just can't let it go of it... Because I'm just very frustrated with it not having it.
From,
Memory of mine, knowing and had experienced the contrast between the functioning me and the dysfunctional me.
To everyone and myself.
I WAS RIGHT.
I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG.
From - Me.
Who:
-Had first taken hormonal birth control pills without prescription at mid/late March of 2024.
-Suddenly relatively alexithymic and is no longer too preoccupied with emotions losing the BPD like symptoms.
-Wasted most of April due to sneezing and coughing.
-Overcame a 20+ year old on going maladaptive daydreaming and no longer preoccupied with thoughts.
-Finally able to confront the deeper psych issues more easily, and then losing most of ADHD like symptoms...
... IN A SPAN OF 2 MONTHS.
And I ain't done. Oh no.
While I'm up-skilling happily for my possible futures, I'd still passively try every possible stuff that can make my life easier than I already have everytime time I get lucky with money.
Which I've been doing for so, so long. Better now that I metabolize stuff differently with different hormones.
I'm not yet 100% fully myself or find that one state that made me feel like my own age...
But it certainly beats less than 20% the majority of the time I spent stuck in this brain-fogged, heavy-weakened, somewhat in pain and practically almost-so-damn-done-with-this-burden-of-a-life-body!
I looooong accepted autism as a part of me.
I know how to handle and work around autism.
I am coping with and from autism.
I am already working with autism.
BUT;
My hormonal issues and all the confusion and problems it caused is NOT autism.
My maladaptive day dreaming and the head issues that gave me is NOT autism.
My mood issues and all that unreliability??
Is.Not.Me. It might not even be autism.
I know myself enough to know and fully comprehend which is '
my wiring' - my own inner make-up, my 'style', my ways of interacting with the world... And which is
ILLNESS that needs to be cured or should've been prevented in the first place.
"
Accept that whatever you're dealing is a part of autism"
-- MY BIG-FRICKING-HELL-OF-AN-ARSE!! !