C2V wrote:
elbowgrease wrote:
The last 24 hours have been exceptionally rough. Not that anything has changed, really. It's been incredibly difficult for quite some time now, but things are sort of building to a head at the moment. Last night I was right at the edge of exploding. Screaming. Tearing the room apart. Closer than I've been in a long, long time.
I am exhausted. And really feeling trapped.
What's up? Flatmates getting you down? Feeling trapped and over-exposed is the worst. I have experience with that too.
Right now I feel absolutely watched, persecuted and interfered with everywhere I go and everything I do.
I stop to look for a product on a shelf at a grocery store and someone tells me to move or comes close enough into my personal space to
touch me. Whatever I do, I get stared at (and no it's not just in my head, I can SEE people looking at me) even though I am careful to look normal, stay clean, don't do anything weird in public. There is no reason to stare at me (or if there is I don't know what it is). I just took a dog for a walk and it knocked into someone's rubbish bin - and I fully expected the owners of the bin to come charging out and demand to know what I was doing, because this is how people treat me. I do ANYTHING and someone is
immediately demanding to know what I'm doing, why, tell me to stop doing it, spy on and supervise me, etc. Whenever I do anything I get unwelcome comments and judgements and interferences.
Do I have to move to an uninhabited south pacific island or something to make people
leave me alone???I don't do this to them. Why is it ok to do it to me?
Yeah, I'm really not doing well after that last meltdown/shutdown/autistic f**kup.
Long, long stories. And so many layers of drama and nightmares.
In a nutshell, I've been homeless for the last two years, and I feel like I'm never going to get out of it. I've been staying at a shelter for the last two months, but it's difficult. It's like constant drama. 24 hours a day. Just non stop bs. Which has really been wearing on me. Among everything else, I can't maintain a circadian rhythm. Not just unable to keep my normal routine of sleep, but any routine at all. It's just ridiculous. I could just go on and on.
It's really taking a toll on me.
I am nearing the end of it, maybe. But there's an unbelievable amount of waiting and hoping. If/when I get disability, the place that runs the shelter will help me get a place of my own and get me reduced rent. And all of that should happen, just a matter of time.
But, my god does it sucks right now!
It is beyond disheartening and embarrassing. And overwhelming all the time. (There are two TV's on right now! And I can't concentrate enough to string together a sensible paragraph. I feel like an idiot, being unable to read or write anywhere near my normal capacity.)
Witnessing my ability to function drop while being here is kind of intense.
I'm really on the edge of just bailing out and hoping for the best.
It's like every single positive aspect of my life is gone, an unobtainable. And like I'll never be able to do any of what I do again.
All I really want to do right now is isolate. A LOT. And I haven't been able to isolate for the last two years.