Rants

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I can't take being a woman anymore. I WANT TO CUT OUT MY OVARIES!!

NOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!! !! !

quo usque tandem abutere, oves pudicae, patientia nostra?

spero fore ut condemnatae sitis catullum legere in perpetuum

I spent all week feeling isolated and on the outside watching NTs having fun. Now it's the weekend and I really want to drink alcohol because I'm isolated and am sick of how nothing much happens in my life.

If I try to do normal things like going to college or joining social clubs in the community I inevitably am hated by other people. When I'm drunk at least sometimes I get to talk to people for a while.

But I fear only more rejection, misunderstandings and frustration will come. I just don't know what to do. Stare into the abyss and it stares right back at you!

Boredom and a low level feeling of depression.

Today I decided to gorge my already lardy self on a bag of salty potato chips soaked in hexane-containing sunflower oil. Then a man sat down to my right and started smoking, and the wind blew most of his smoke right into my face, which I found infuriating enough to get up and walk on the order of a hundred brisk steps, with my jacket and my backpack hanging awkwardly from my greasy hands, till I found another seat with no smokers nearby.

I wonder how likely a smoker is to take offence at my behavior. At the very least, he must've judged me as a huge hypocrite, since I made such a big show of not wanting him to fill my lungs with tar, all the while blatantly showing I can't possibly care that much about my health, given how I can't be bothered to watch my weight, my cholesterol or the assorted poisons I ingest. What I'm pretty sure he didn't give a f**k about is that 1) eating the chips was my choice, while inhaling his smoke was not, and 2) I enjoyed the former, while the latter was very unpleasant to me, though, of course, he'd probably regard my distress as merely a pathetic, self-righteous act.

I went (had to go) shopping today for some things I really needed. The woman behind the counter decided she wanted to have a conversation with me about the (self-inflicted) scratches on my face and hands. She thought it was eczema and wanted to give me some well-meant advice about applying cream. I put on my NT-mask, which I can usually manage for a while.

When I came home, I poured down two glasses of wine, started crying and was completely upset.

I have an additional scratch mark on my face now

I've been wanting to smoke a lot these days. Sometimes i really can't understand why i wasn't given the happiness others were given. I did so many things right yet no one is by my side. I just want to marry someone who's the same level as me and make him happy.

Alright rants, does anyone really want to hear what I have to say (trust me you don't).

But here goes, I am nuking this to straight to almighty God Himself. Gov all up in my crap, destroying my computers and hacking into me on global scale and why? Cause these people MKUltra'd me until I was good and nuked from orbit and then created probable cause with God knows what on my hacked PC, Then they hunt me like I am some kinda of animal who is justified on some corrupt BS when these people know damn good and well, they are all going to straight to hell watching people in the privacy of their own home. Come join organized crime and do what you want and we'll turn a blind eye so long as we can watch your every move. That crap ain't freedom, that is BS right there, that is through and through BS.

Nuke it to hell,
Don't even leave the area, nuke yourselves and nuke the whole area to hell
Like nuke it from orbit, clean your hands off and double tap it from the Death Star again hell

Its quite horrible, its bad, its real bad, society is gone, you can officially behavior this way and no one cares, that is Sodom and Gomorrah status.

All we want to do is to cut down ONE F***ING TREE in our yard, instead my in-laws said we couldn't. The reason: they knew an accountant who tried to cut down a tree and died, and that it will happen to us too.

No, just because it happened to ONE F***ING PERSON, it doesn't mean it will happen to my husband. They haven't been watching what they were saying, either, as they said last week that I felt more distant from my husband which is complete bulls**t.

I don't know what their problem is, but it's days like this where I feel like smashing their faces in with a f***ing sledgehammer.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for not doing things with my hyper-active family.
I didn't go to my cousin's "rock concert," because, TBH my family is just so overwhelming. They're obsessed with status and achievement. They act like they're not. And my aunt keeps bragging about how her son (aka my cousin) is the star of the show and how -insert famous drummer- congratulated him. I really hate pointing fingers and don't want to be in a negative mood. Obviously, I want my cousin to have achievements and be good at what he does...but seriously, my aunt and her family are soooo privileged. They live in a multi-million dollar beach house in Southern California, and they're wealthy as hell because my uncle is -accomplished- in the entertainment industry. My aunt has never had a career, she spends all her life driving her kids around, buying them the "best" food, taking them to their lessons, hiring the "best" math tutor. She sends them to a 40K+ a year private school focused on the arts, that's located in a high status area. And she spends money on guitar lessons, drum lessons, etc, etc, etc...he has about 5 $2,000+ guitars and a piano in his bedroom lmfao.

I'm just annoyed. I know that my aunt is completely blindsided by her amount of privilege...The sad thing is, compared to all the wealth in Los Angeles, she is probably middle tier. There's so many rich people here. I think she feels like she has to overcompensate and brag about her children all the time because everyone wants their kid to be "someone." It's toxic. I'm trying to be understanding about her situation, but sometimes I'm tired. I don't want to deal.

oh hxxx i open the window and right there's under the window the nb with his tractor WOW
there's some thing that drives him always
seen from the look he knew + the little charges he can take he'll be back every five minutes
- i cant ever eat outside neither
he'll be mowing under my nose while i eat
and that's not the wicked nb,wait for that one, but rather not

there's that dynamic of the wife is the boss at home
than them go find another woman to bully who's not the boss at home
great

The driving here is getting worse. People drive like maniacs or like slugs. The first is dangerous, while the second is annoying. My gas mileage has been terrible lately.

wtf..nearly seven itm and nb again here with the tractor under my window, oh the wife's gone
but still, or even, or worse its a sunday
lucky me, hey
15min to uncover the pile and in no concievable timeframe one's going to get, you uncover before starting the tractor
im so deceided to keep the good mood but with all this
music must cover this

We Gon' Boogaloo

All my efforts seem to have amounted to almost nothing.

I see people scoffing their faces with burgers and fries. I make homemade meals with legumes, rice, potatoes, seeds, nuts. I eat more vegetables in a day than some people eat in a month. But what have I show for it? Loneliness, isolation, inability to make small talk, inability to tell jokes, distance, alienation.

My heart is broken. I saw an upper class woman who rejected my romantic advances when I was walking on the beach. She is everything I am not. Cool, witty, collected, car driving, socially acceptable. I shed a few years and then later on my walk I saw a man in a wheelchair being pushed and I shed even more, thinking to myself why must any of us suffer so much.

Then made my way home warily through my town where I often don't feel safe, where men with far bigger muscles and bodies and more protruding faces and facial expressions than mine frighten me. I don't know that there is anywhere to go, or hide, or find refuge though. I truly wonder what this life is all about.

It's tiring. Of course, complaining about it is probably pointless and likely toxic. Every day feels the same. The numb unending sameness. I believe I've become, or have maybe always been, a very unlikeable person. When I talk to people I can't help but blurt out criticisms and back handed compliments/ "corrections", be patronizing , etc.

My gut issues are never going away. I keep trying to stop taking the proton pump inhibitor. This time I switched to intermittent fasting and I thought it was maybe going to do the trick but it didn't. Every day I feel tired and tightness in my diaphragm from my gut issues. Most days I can't be productive at all. I've had 2 months off of work where I had planned on trying to prepare and get a better job but that has largely been squandered, mostly playing xcom2, and then after that just not being able to start. Feeling anxious about the whole thing and then spiraling out of emotional control browsing the internet and before I know it the whole day is gone.

I'm 38. I want to have sex but at this point I'm not sure if I still want a girlfriend. The idea of living with somebody and having an emotional attachment with them seems like it would be annoying. So here I sit in my apartment day after day. I dread having to go back to work again. I don't like my job, mostly because of the people there. Having to live in mormontopia and be surrounded by trump supporting, religion loving pricks. Can't really enjoy alcohol because of my gut issues otherwise I'd be drunk all the time I think and the mj which I like more is illegal here. I think I might take a trip out of town though to try it elsewhere.

I have to remember I just need to ride it out. Maybe its 6 hour eating windows that have me all grouchy now since I'm likely at a caloric deficit. It sucks not having friends around, but at the same time, its awesome not having any friends around. I think I maybe hate just about everyone at this point.

Why are most doctors such useless, power tripping f*****s?

I'm certain my former oncologist had a diploma in Arrogant Prick.