Rants

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Today has been s**t. I have been edgy and anxious for days working up to seeing the doctor. Had my plan of what to say, was shaky and couldn't get calm....so I ate chocolate...lots of it. Got to the Dr's giggling like an idiot and babbling like a moron. Now she probably thinks I'm just neurotic and stupid.

Came home and got harrassed by my downstairs neighbour, 1stly she knocked the door and asked you mind if I show my friend what you have done to your kitchen, then walked in with friend. (I have been re-modelling it, taken out the walls and made a breakfast bar). This was in the evening and both her and her friend had been drinking, she drinks a lot actually. Anyway she then asked where my washing machine was and about the plumbing, I forgot my unease and began explaining how I moved it to a cupboard in the hall , had made a hole for the connection to go through to the bathroom plumbing. She wasn't interested at all and kept on at me about "what if it leaks?, it will go onto my lighting as I am below you". I explained the washer was not directly above the electricity, it is directly above her cupboard as her flat is the same, any leak would be bad whether it was leaking in the kitchen or the cupboard.
I was getting annoyed now.

Then she said...oh I hope you don't mind me saying but every Saturday night you are very loud, the noise of people from your bedroom is waking my daughter and this is happening every Saturday at approximately 11 in the evening. I thought...wtf do I do different on Saturdays from any other night. So I said it may be me laughing if I watch a movie.

She kept on about it and I didn't get what she meant, til her friend said for god's sake leave her alone shes having sex and started laughing.
I said no I'm not I'm here alone. Anyway they finally went. Then a bit later another knock at the door....same neighbour, she apologised for saying what she did in front of her friend and said she shouldn't have said it in front of another. I said ok but I don't have men up here.
I said maybe it is me laughing because my comp is in my bedroom and I do watch movies....she said oh no this isn't laughing and started making grunting sounds to refer to the noises, she said it happens every Saturday about 11 and your waking my daughter. This was said nice and loudly in the hallway of our flats where its nice and echoy.
I lost control and shouted a lot. Called her a effing whore and a coke head who should watch her mouth amongst many other things. I shut the door on her...she then knocked again, she had no idea just how close to being throttled she actually was.
Now I feel even more like s**t because I have only lived in this building a few months and my nice new start is ruined by my lack of self control.

Hope is worthless, all it is is a slightly slower route to pain.

I'm ticked off because I was charge for things that I canceled for on the web. I'm going to be calm about it since my mom and i will deal with it when she gets home from work.

FAILURE

I've been depressed and angsty since she canceled our get together today.
Dammit, It took me awhile to get positive again and work myself up to wanting to see her again, give her another chance and all. She says she wants to go out again, but she won't dare suggest anything. So I suggest something and a time, and always, always there is something else she'd rather go do, something she forgot she had to go do...

It'd be really nice if she just gave me a time since apparently I'm the flexible one here. But no, for whatever god damn reason she won't suggest a time to get together on her own.
Can't she show some frickin initiative to want this friendship or whatever it is to work?

In this moment, my patience is thin... despite speaking out, I feel unheard, and thus it continues. Damnable, for while I can see both sides of the coin, my focus is more centered on myself and others than another individual. Each time, I want to scream. I want a huge eraser. And no one else seems to mind, alone in my frustration once more.


M.

I feel more comfortable alone. But I was lonely and understimulated so I went off with Jack, thinking I could leave if I didn't like it. I don't regret going off with him, but sometimes I wish I had stayed alone at the YMCA at least for a few more months. I want to have a few more months alone! I want to be alone right now, and not worry about eating at the same time as other people, eating other people's food, eating too much of other people's food, being boring, wanting to be alone, going here and there, living in an isolated boring little bedroom community, having to ask for everything I need, having to ask whenever I want to go somewhere, not being able to see my shrink as often, not being surrounded by interesting people, not being able to go shopping, being afraid of using too much water or electricity, feeling pressured to take meds I wouldn't need if I was alone but that I need if I want to be with anyone, having side effects, having no job but wanting income, being unable (not unwilling) to eat off other people and then being badgered about eating better and more and feeling bad because it isn't just about me anymore and it's selfish not to eat, not selfish to eat like if I wasn't pregnant. I don't know where I learned that it's not okay to let my needs get known, but I learned at some point that it was selfish.

I am not lazy.

I'm too depressed to do anything to help myself. Or for some reason, I just can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's partially the side effects. Maybe I can blame another part on being pregnant. I wish I would feel normal again. I haven't felt like I can do things in 5 or 6 months.

i am trying so hard to stay positive and hopeful but deep down i can feel the depression rising. i wish my mom would come visit me but all she does is send a 20 page letter explaining why she can't, she wishes she could be with me but she's got so much going on at work and can't afford the trip with gas prices the way they are now. i know she doesn't really agree with much of who i am but i could really use the company now. i don't even know why i want her to come. i don't know why i think most of what goes through my mind these days. on the plus side i got a good view of some buildings through the windows but this place is huge compared to what i am used to and prefer. ahhhhh. i'm so frickin lonely. i need rachel! she's the only one that really cares. i could rant about how great she is for hours. but all i'll say is that if it wasn't for her i probably wouldn't have made it. she's like a super-human goddess. i miss her hugs. she's so perfect. i don't even know how she does it. just blaaa = she's perfect. i had a dream about her last night. we were just sitting, not even talking, just sitting side by side and i could feel her smiling, without even looking at her. that's all i remember, but it made me happy.

ok. i feel better now.

I have a very bad memory and no motivation. This makes me unable to do anything even though I badly want to.

I badly want to leave but I badly want to stay because if I left I would miss Jack so much, and I don't want to cause him emotional distress. He says if I leave I would be ripping apart his family. I couldn't even provide him a stress-free environment to quit smoking in so now he's smoking again.

Grown weary of self-appointed gurus, those who proclaim grandly that they have the balm for everyone's wounds - just listen to what they tell you. Special invitation, this week only - free cranio-rectal inversion. It entails so many qualities I despise... presumption, arrogance, blind-sight, inflated ego, delusion of self and others. Sometimes, I wish that I did not have the measure of self control that I do possess, and could simply lambaste them for their foolishness. As it stands... when if find their posts, I just long for a cigarette.


M.

my stupid life is messed up just as bad as my mind

There is such a nuclear war going on in my mind...I wish I could just be free

so... lonely...