Rants

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In the middle of an anxiety attack, everything seems perfectly clear. I just don't know what moves me to keep repeating the same dumb mistakes. How do I not notice it before I do it?

One would have difficulty living on DOUBLE the federal minimum wage in NYC.

My cat loves me a lot, and placed a large bloodied dead gift on my pillow so that I could wake up knowing how much he loves me, so lots of disinfecting and laundry and bedmaking (again) to do today.

His timing was unfortunate as I had just put beautiful crisp clean linens on the bed yesterday. He really loves me!!

I am so done with these arguments. The arguments that go nowhere, just because of you being impatient. If you don't want to listen to me, then leave me alone.

The anxiety attacks got pretty bad this week.

The thought of someone makes it stop but we can't always be around & I don't know how to make that more possible.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

(sigh)
Honest to God, this has been the worst day of my life.
Everything was going great until 5:30 in the evening.
I asked my mother if she was interested in going out and partying like the good old days, and my dumb ass brought up how I would feel if she came home drunk, cos of the possibility that she could start screaming random s**t or crawling in the wrong bedroom.
The latter part apparently made my mother feel so f*****g bad that she's not gonna let it go. Apparently I hurt her so bad that she fell into this, like, slump, where she isn't saying a word to me, and when she is, she speaks in a really quiet tone. Her excuse is that she's sick but I don't believe it.
I don't know if she's trying to make me feel sh***y about myself or if she's gotten into this barracade of feelings or what. I do know that I feel like a piece of s**t.
And my mother is assuming that I purposely meant to bring up her childhood, which contained sexual abuse.
I have been trying to tell my mother that I in no way meant to bring up her past; however, I was merely bringing up that some mothers or fathers crawl into the wrong bed. She didn't want to believe me, and she doesn't believe me now.
I mean, she says she does, but then again, it's my mother, who I hope will believe me whenever I tell her what I really meant versus what she thought I meant, which in her mind, is always the worst, but never does, as she always claims she's not stupid or basically, that I'm a liar. She won't say it until days or weeks later whenever it is brought up and thrown against me, usually in an argument. This relates to another thing: I will say or do anything, she waits until weeks until she feels is the right time, which is usually when I bring something up against her, and then she will usually scream at the top of her lungs and be the Queen b***h, Queen c**t of the Mid-Atlantic...
But anyway she apparently is sick of talking to me, as she doesn't even try half-heartedly to engage in a conversation with me about what I am going through.
I feel like she hates me right now and this whole thing with family therapy isn't going to help.
I mean, I just don't know what is going to happen tomorrow.
She could scream at the top of her lungs and, in that same manner, proceed to throw my procrastination and laziness in my face, and b***h and moan about how I screwed up in not doing the rest of my homework during my extensions.
She could throw what I said to her tonight in my face for many days to come.
And what else pisses me off about this whole thing?
My mother, while doing family therapy, will just pretend to see my side to them, and when they're gone, she will see no one else's side but hers is right.
Now, always, and forever, for the rest of my life.
I just feel like my mother hates me or something and I just wanna kick something or punch something. I don't know.
I do know this. Tomorrow during family therapy my mother is NOT going to get away with telling people she believes what I tried to say to her, because we all know she doesn't cos I know my mother like an open book. I say ANYTHING or do ANYTHING she will wait until the perfect moment to blow up, and for me things are going fine until she has that perfect moment when she blows up.
I just don't get it.
Why would she try and hide her feelings from me like this?
Why does she think I don't even listen to what she says?
Why does she have these delusions that I'm a sh***y and rebellious kid when I am nowhere near that? I am too afraid of my mother to act out like that, whether it act out in public or sneak out or rebel against her, because doing those things only adds to the fire.
So she's got me feeling pissed off, hurt, like I want to die or something, and I don't understand this: Why am I the one feeling bad for one stupid thing I said to her that she took an entirely different way, and will stick with that no matter what? I'm not just talking about tonight, I am talking about the entire year and a half we were on our own. I am talking about the TEN YEARS of emotional, mental, and physical pain she caused me all thanks to those accusations. I don't bring that up because she doesn't even remember, due to her memory apparently being so fogged up and messed up thanks to all those medications those f**ked-up doctor quacks had her on that caused her to lose track of every single thing that has happened during my entire childhood, between first grade and the beginning of ninth grade.
I just don't know what I am going to do.
I could run away to a shelter but my mother is going to try and get me back.
I could stay at a relative's, BUT... she is going to try and get me back.
I could stay at my dad's, but she is going to throw a MAJOR bitchy fit about that, especially right now, because she is now being incredibly vindictive towards my father, not letting me see him unless it is on her terms, where she has to pick me up and drop me off and he has to meet me there, and when I'm done, she has to pick me up and take me home. Frankly I think that is the stupidest thing she ever decided, but dare I bring that up, it will result in a b***h fit. Dare I try and bring up all the good things my father did, my mother will just shut them down because she is going to keep on thinking he is the worst person ever all because she hasn't forgiven him for what he did in the past... between five and 36 years ago!
My God, will she ever let that go? Will she ever see that he is trying to change for the better?
He is not the person he used to be, but sometimes it just seems like she's saying that if I hold nothing against my father, she is going to b***h. If I tell him he's a good man in front of her, she is going to b***h. If I say anything good to him or do what he wants, she is going to b***h.
Now don't you think that is a serious control method?
Oh and another thing: control.
My mom will stop at nothing to control me.
But I am tired, exhausted, worn out, and hurt, so I am not going to write anymore, and I am VERY sorry this post is SO LONG, I just needed to vent.

I didn't mean to use foul language, I copied this off of another social media site I posted this on and was too flustered to proofread it and edit out the curse words.
I don't know how you guys feel about curse words or not.

Ah, the new secretary... I admit, I miss her predecessor -- who's also her classmate. She was better than those before her.
But this newbie... She's alright. Sociable enough, likes to go out for a walk after work. Yet...

Out of all the newbie secretaries I've met, this one's annoying the crap out of me. I'm not annoyed at her personality and preferences.
I'm annoyed because of her anxiety issues. And I happened to be her, what, her 'anchor' of sorts? Not that I mind -- it meant she trusts me somehow. But I'm just annoyed dealing with her anxiety whenever it strikes.


I think I understand what an ignorant person felt towards those with anxiety issues.
Except I also know what it felt like on that side.

And I'm annoyed not because of ignorant stuff that non sufferers suggests and assumes.
I'm annoyed because I know what it felt like. It's upsetting.
It reminds me of my worst years. It reminds me of things I've been doing wrong to myself. It doesn't help that I don't like that past self the most.

The past experience and understanding didn't made me sympathetic. Seriously.
It doesn't help that things I've done may not work well with NT sufferers or anyone else.
And I have enough respect not to do anything against her or shove any unsolicited suggestions -- that's all.

Until the newbie said so, I won't. Even if her saying 'no' or lack of initiative is driven from anxiety -- I won't give her a hint or a lift.

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Not really a rant as such. I'm just feeling a bit sad today. All of the things that I've been sad about in the past few years, some of which I haven't thought about for ages, seem to have decided to come back over night and I just woke up feeling sad. I've come home from work at lunchtime because I don't want to be near anyone and I really don't want to go back after lunch. It sucks and I hope it's just a temporary visit of horribleness because I've been really happy the past few weeks.

After what I have seen them defend this week, if I ever hear Republican politicians spouting sanctimoniously again about "the sanctity of the family" and "the sacred role of family values" and the need to "protect family life" - then I hope their hypocrisy will see them sent from office when the time comes round into disgrace for the rest of their lives. Others have been silent, out of cowardice and self interest.

I thought the USA was better than that. But it's not.