Rants

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I'm sick and tired of being a people pleaser.

Humans suck. They're garbage. A fairly simple and obvious thesis, but one that generally gets contested nonetheless.

They talk up how great they are as a species but they can't think for crap. They can't even play along with a child as the child verifies the reflexive consistency of the moral imperatives they are being told to accept as true. They'd rather lock the kid in a room over and over again than break the adult-child power dynamic.

That you must explain yourself to them to get them to do what you want is not commutative. Their ability to use force to obtain your compliance is not commutative. Respect is not commutative, and they don't give it to you as a kid despite making sure you know how important it is to do so for everyone you interact with. You learn that "the golden rule" is a lie. During that lesson humans consistently experimentally demonstrate their penchant for duplicity.

They lie. To you, to themselves. They enshrine their lies in laws, philosophies, and "common knowledge." In "the way it is." They lie about knowing, and you can tell they do when you get them to admit they don't know anything assuredly but a minute later they again claim to know something assuredly. They say it's different but they can never explain how. They say that to be able to explain a thing is to know a thing.

They never admit that their explanatory speech is really persuasive in nature, bearing no fealty to consistency or truth. That speaking is an action meant to manipulate the world just as the hand does. And that even someone telling you the truth is just manipulation without nefarious intent. Because to explicitly acknowledge any of it would be to chip away at the ability of the self to manipulate others.

They don't see that they've systematically applied their lies to even themselves. That their motivated truth has turned them blind in many ways. And they unwittingly impregnate you with a false understanding of truth that is weak to their lies, because that's the truth they learned too. They silently engineer a world of systems wrought subconsciously from their basest motives, while continuing to defend it all as "just the way it is" in the manner of creatures accustomed to continually and shortsightedly bending words in their favor. The English language itself has suffered for this, all the synonymy and the quicksand grammar lending itself distinctly to this mealy mouthed way of things.

As best I can tell, they do all of this because "it's the way it is." One of the single most detestable phrases of all time and so utterly human in its character: the fallacy of alleged certainty. The death of philosophy. To forcefully reiterate, I detest that phrase and its utterers. The words I would use for them would certainly have me exiled from this place.

Every dubious truth seems to come back to that phrase, or some other mealy mindedness, in the end:

"Having five kids is fine, people like large families."
"Well, of course humans are more than computers. Computers don't have free will."
"Wealth inequality is bad, but don't you want to be a millionaire?"
"In an ideal world we wouldn't seclude them, but its safer this way and they don't understand anyways"

Don't question the great normative mirror neuron machine. Trust that your fellow humans are competent and that by copying them you will be too! Pantomime their argument forms and you'll be free from any reasonable comeuppance! Like what they like and you will be fulfilled as they are! If you do as others do then anyone getting in your face is just plain wrong!

Of course they don't see themselves as simply doing what they're told. They see neither their humanity imbuing them in tacit beliefs nor the fabric of society clothing them with ideas to ward off the opposition. Humans, the great empathizers and thinkers, are nothing short of narcissistic idiotic confidence artists in a giant echo chamber that reflects the treasures in each of their eyes back at them.

They continuously and collectively co-create the playbook of whimsical conjectures that are so oft callous to the not-them, only amending it when not-them can mount an effective counterattack.

Can the practical joke be over? It became terrifying long ago.

There are times I seriously want people to know what was it like.

Times I want those people to know how much of things I sense encumbers me. How most of it could constantly discomforts me. That I'm lucky enough that I could take so much without breaking down or having myself to 'ignore' or 'numb' to 'cope'...
Then I have to take account of every occupied spaces within the vicinity, remember every names and any point of said object or bodies. They don't have to, really. Not to such extent.
While restraining myself that if I do or do not do this -- then that will happen.
Add to the list that if I did or did not do that, someone will do, think, or feel whatever.
Then the timings, and the fragmented facts that needed to be connected together, while having memories be triggered or lost within those fragments.
And not to mention the misunderstandings, misinterpretations... I'm lucky enough to be able to take it without breaking down into frustration, and being patient enough to put up with either ways.

Then realize that this is what I have to deal with everyday, for most of my life. And my case isn't the worst of all aspies, of course...
My case could afford some curses that autism could bring. If most aspies couldn't for most of their lives, then let alone those who don't ever had to deal with it.

I want people to know what was it like, to lose that auto-pilot of theirs. To no longer have a self-regulating body. To not have a mind and senses that filters along the way. I want them to know what was it like to end up being overwhelmed and overloaded by existing.


And I'm sure, they won't last an hour. They'd be exhausted within less than few hours. They'd breakdown constantly. They'd kill themselves within a month or less, for having to put up with a world that is constantly not built for them -- for they are sheltered and ignorant.
Thus there's no need for them to know what was it like, as it is pointless.



But to grant the wish that they'd know what was it like -- is a sadistic wish fulfillment of mine...
Yes, call me out for being mean or evil, or unreasonable or even unrealistic. It's just a wish after all.

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Don't try to make your job mine. Handle your own self.

Deserving at worst represents an illusion, and at best an opinion. It seems like an awful basis for a relationship. I'd rather focus on alliance, if I wanted to get completely practical and forget about love and affection (which I don't).

I just feel like a rant about babies.

God I hate them. Well, the majority of them. Most brats between the ages of 12 months and 4 years have always got to cry for no reason. People say they only cry when they want something like a sweet or a toy, but often they're just kicking and screaming as an annoying way to tell everyone that they exist and need to be heard.
And if you say "oh you was a baby once", just f**k off. Yes when I was a baby I most probably pissed members of the public off too, but how does that make me immune to feelings of anxiety around babies? I have misophonia, and some people with that despise hearing people chewing or whatever. People chewing doesn't bother me, but hearing babies screaming and crying over nothing does bother me. I can't help it. Anger builds up inside me, and all my thoughts become irrational, like "I must be in the wrong place at the wrong time" or "are these parents just putting their precious li'l children near me deliberately to piss me off?" I would never hurt a kid, but I just don't do well with them.
And everywhere's family friendly these days; cinemas, posh restaurants, etc. Yes, years ago children under 3 weren't allowed in cinemas, plus parents knew that and so didn't bring them to cinemas. Nowadays, people just bring anything into the cinema and it's allowed. Somebody's mobile phone makes a sound and everybody freaks out, but a one-year-old can start up a temper tantrum and nobody bats an eye. "I can't hear a word of this movie that I paid to see, but oh it can't be helped, it's just a baby, it's what babies do." No, that isn't the attitude. The attitude is "you choose to have kids, you know they can't be controlled once they start one of their bratty tantrums, a one-year-old isn't going to sit quietly and get into a film, so why the f**k are you here?" I never went to the cinema until I was 12, and parents never took me or my brother when we were babies. The reason why I didn't go to a cinema until I was 12 was because I had ADHD so it might have been too much for me to sit still and watch a whole movie. But I survived, didn't I? My parents thought of other people. I suppose it was the 90s after all. But in the 21st century parents are all like "oh, look at me, the rules don't apply to me because I have kids under 5."
I can't even get a plane because of the anxiety of being seated near small kids. I know it will happen.
An 8-hour journey ahead of me, and some woman sits in the seat next to me with a two-year-old in tow. The two-year-old starts to whine because it wants to sit elsewhere for some reason. The mother says "no, we have to sit here." The toddler doesn't understand the rules of plane seating, so it throws itself by it's mother's feet and lets out an ear-splitting scream. The mothers picks the brat up and places it in the seat next to me, with it still kicking and screaming. "I wanna sit at the front! I wanna sit by the window! I want I want I want..." I'm expected to just sit calmly and be cool, because, hey, it's "just a baby".

I’m at a clinic waiting for my doctor’s appointment only that I don’t know this doctor because mine is out of office for the day. But since I’ve been feeling awful heart wise I just had to take another doctor I don’t know at all and it makes me nervous. Never knew that I could suffer from anxiety but apparently I’ve had it for a long long time. First step is knowing that my heart is actually ok (chest pains over the weekend have not being good) and then whatever comes so I’m nervous bc I don’t know this person. Had a story to tell my doctor to not just share everything and now I’ve no clue how to approach this since I’ve never met this one before, nor I’m sure I’ll trust his judgement and talking to a complete stranger that has come as a surprise is messing with me. I kind of want to cry about it. Ok no. Ok, I’ll wait and see what happens.

Costochondritis. Something that happens to women sometimes without much cause than making too much physical effort, bad posture or tension. Got a few shots and still got two more for tomorrow. I'm almost sure this isn't the end of it since I started aching again an hour ago while looking at job listings. Sigh.

And, it really hurts my ego immensely to look at job offers that have nothing to do with what I do. I think that's what started the aching tonight because I was sort of ok, but I can feel my heart getting all tense again, not as bad as last weekend though, but I feel it. This not having money thing is breaking me. Feeling and knowing that you can't maintain yourself is just not where I need to be right now. It's too discouraging.

You planned on selling my cherished good old Nintendo? Effing try it, POS, and see what happens! Gad, just when i thought i couldn't possibly like you less without actually hating you, you always manage to make me think even less of you. Remember, you have collections too! I too can play that game....

And then you made my mom think I had just taken your games and sold them back then?? We went through them together, and you told me I could just sell those 2 games if I wanted to. I did so not just sneak off with them behind your back, which you actually had to admit when confronted with it.

I am so fed up with you and your GD crappy comments and ideas. Are you getting senile or something? Or just the a-hole you tend to be?

I feel like I've been incredibly bored and nothing can hold my interest. If it does it's just in a superficial way, like "yay, this is fun!" and move on. I feel like I've been forcing myself to do things, like just going through the motions. I don't know what I want. I'm not good at anything. I say I want to learn things but I'm too lazy to put in the effort, and- what's the point if I'm not gonna be any good?

Everyone is so much better than me. I feel like I'm never going to accomplish anything in my life. That used to make me sad, and now it doesn't. I just don't care. I don't think, I never think. I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly I'm really scared. I don't know what this feeling is or how to get rid of it.

I don't feel sad, just empty. There's nothing bad happening but I don't feel satisfied. Is that what antidepressants do?

Maybe I'm lonely? Maybe I should get a job? Maybe I should exercise?

I don't know, nothing feels worth it.