Rants

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I took out the trash from my trash basket at the office. I'm the only one here right now. I grabbed two new plastic garbage bags, one to put in the bottom of the waste basket as a spare, and the other to line the basket with. I started to smell this horribly offensive artificial fragrance from somewhere. I made the mistake of deeply smelling the inside of the new trash liner. I went to the supply closet and realized the garbage bags were "FRESH SCENT!" I immediately removed the two new bags from my trash basket and threw them away with a grimace on my face. I moved the empty basket away from my desk to air out, and, yes, I threw away the ENTIRE box of those stupid liners. I washed my hands with my hypoallergenic soap very very well (yes, I can still smell that "fresh scent" on my washed hands). It's good that I was alone here since I was blurting expletives for minutes afterwards.

I can not begin to describe to all of you how much I hate artificial scents like that or in laundry soap, "dryer sheets", air "fresheners", cologne, perfume, etc. I mean really, really bad. They anger me. I loathe them. They make my nose run. They can give me a headache.

I wish more people would just be themselves when you first meet them. It feels like false advertisement.

If I could only print out my evaluation sheet for my Toastmasters speech, I'd feel a lot better. My computer doesn't seem to facilitate that. It's driving me nuts.

Magna,

I'm very smell sensitive, too. All that stuff you mentioned makes me sick.

A la mierda con productividad!
__

Watching (4:10 .p.m. EST) a video about Anna Akana when she felt like taking her own life.

Called earlier to see someone next week--hating myself for having caved frequently into pornography for the past ~10 days even after I brought up to my mom yesterday how I have been struggling.

Thankful for speaking to someone who is open enough to hear out *what* I view, at least time. It helps not the least when I think and theorize about having reached a 'middle ground'. The way the back of my head, Feels ‘numbed’ or ‘emptied’, the neurochemicals which were are not going to replenish fully for a while.

It is >8( *REALLY* tell of the nature of consciousness when it's not like your own self-hate/insistence isn't going to make it 'heal' faster. D--- indifference. D-- not caring.

D--- the insistence of squaibbling what to do next

(I) Take out the dense Tillich and Kitaro books, record myself reading out loud to make 'my own audio-books'/recordings and actually hear what I want to hear?.

(II) Somehow do art without feeling too stressed about my lack of direction when I don't want to waste resources/supplies?

(III) Feel self-hate for the uncanniness of having seen, having perhaps seen an occupational therapist I found attractive on the way to work?.

(IV) 'Cave in' somehow again b/c of how I find it 'inevitable' that someone as boring or loser like according to the inferiority complex inducing judgements of acceptable society is not becoming any better at socializing hence 'indulge' myself while still young?. And 'there's no point in being afraid of the inevitable'?.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcp3tZ3XFyQ

When the f--- will I get my own personal space to practice the privilege of non-belief whilst not feeling hyper self-blame for chingadas past?.

Mind moves so fast and talents don't match what is craved.

I *NEED* to know that the f---g universe or some mass consciousness of +7 billion persons isn't going to penalize me for being assertive. For being assertive on those d---n rare occasions, those d--- rare occasions that are aggravated all the more when you live among the futility inducing surroundings of ppl worse off than you or intentionally irresponsible (the antipathy for addicts).

>_< ._....so painful that the 'lines of logic' for suicide and addiction are similar...the strength of the dates signifying the 'closure' of having disengaged from Catholicism.

It s---ks so few understand the intricacies of what is considered shaming and how according to a value system you follow...frankly when it comes to value theory I have leaned far more into ethics than beauty or aesthetics.

Talent>love: indicative of when you have intimacy issues--the former 'won't yield' when nearly defectless first enough which give rise to a stream of improvement in which repetition is almost never done. The latter makes for a horrendously distracting misery filled concoction if not understood according to what is acceptable even before biological struggle and the entailments of getting along with family nearly indefectibly enough that you are considered acceptable enough to be 'successful' and 'meet expectations' and other .b.s. needed to move-out with no chance of remorseful 'reversibility.

I'm 23 and still living with my parents. I have 5 other people living in my house. One is a lower functioning autistic child that's probably going to end up in the same garbage sack of a "autistic support" classroom I was in. My sister gets away with everything. I'm always the one that cleans up HER godforsaken messes. She eats EVERYTHING in the house, and wonders why she can't lose any weight. Her romm is next t o mine and it smells AWFUL. She doesn't care about anyone or anything and I can't say anything because I'm partly responsible for her antisocial behavior. People keep leaving the doors unlocked even though there was a break in near my place. I'm pretyy sure i have severe OCD and noone wants to give me help for it. I"M FED UP!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! Sorry if anyone is offended. I have VOLUMES of anger built up and this is not even half of it. Oh, and I'm afraid to sleep because of my PTSD nightmares. I can't go more than 3 days without having a nightmare. I'm tired, i have to clean up after everyone in my stupid dump of a house, and i have no way of leaving this hole.

I’m “glad” you think your hoarding is funny & charming. That makes one of us. I’m so sick of not only living in your squalor, but making YOU feel “better” about it. The truth is, when you croak, all of this useless crap is going straight to a dumpster.

I have a job where I have to answer the phone sometimes. It's a business open to the public. I think it's bizarre and irksome when people who call either don't identity themselves or at the very least, lead off the call with WHY they're calling. Instead, the first thing they'll do is ask how I'm doing. Something like this:

Me: "Good morning, [ name of business ]."

Them: "How's it going?"

I'm thrown by a response/question like that. In my mind I'm thinking:

"Who are you?"
"Do I know you?"
"How's it going? My answer depends on who you are to me."
"What do you want?"

I usually find that I answer: "......Good?" As in more of an upwardly inflected question. Then, I'll wait for them to respond and tell me who they are, why they're calling (you know, the stuff they should have led off with in the first place!).

It just seems weird to me.

Am I the only one?

It's a pain in the butt---but it sounds like the person wants to make conversation before he/she gets around to what they want from the call.

People tend to have to "transition" in order to "get to the point."

In many countries, it's actually impolite to immediately get to the business point of a phone call or conversation. Pleasantries have to be exchanged in order for a person not to seem like he/she is rude.

In some African countries, a few minutes of "How's your mom, dad, children, etc." must be exchanged.

i'm an alcoholic.

On 10-24-2018 an innocuous seeming head of iceberg lettuce was purchased by me for $1.98 CAN. Throughout the course of last week, I have heard of an outbreak of E.Coli and the need to recall lettuce because of the outbreak. I do not know if it has been applicable solely to Romaine lettuce or iceberg lettuce as well. Thus, the strnagely-texture-because-it-has-been-defrosted head of lettuce will not be consumed by me b/c of my weariness for the outbreak but instead placed in the garden to decay, in a while; never take food for granted--most ppl are not willing to do the labour necessary for micro-nutrient dense vegatation; even if you have recognized depression saying "it goes to the same place" afterwards in regards to food is something I find insulting even after having lived through the 'micro-traumas' of uneaten food not going into a green bin while having worked as a dishwasher.

School has been maladaptive for me.

It's been 3 days with people banging on my roof. I could have coped better if I'd had some warning work was scheduled. I'm so tired of the world not understanding or respecting the needs of the individual with sensory sensitivity.

I want to build an Aspie village. I've even designed it on paper. It will not be an ugly grid like a city, but like a beautiful plant, more organic and spaced out with plenty of plant life in between the houses.

I want money - lots and lots of money.

Somehow, my home phone number was published as a "Help Desk" number for a PC repair business.

"Have you tried turning it off and then back on again?" seems to work most of the time, but the people who insist that I either come over "right now" to fix their computers or they will sue the business are the hardest ones to deal with. They keep calling back.

The ones who call during regular business hours are no problem -- I'm at work, so I just ignore their voicemails.