Suicide or loony bin?

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Maybe try not to think about it for a bit?

In the UK there used to be a childrens TV program that was on during the school holidays called "Why don't you?" which had lots of ideas of things to do and make during your holidays to keep you occupied. The theme tune included the line "Why don't you just switch off your television set and go do something less boring instead?" Substitute "thinking" for "television set" ...

Easier said than done of course. If we could switch off our thinking at will we wouldn't end up in this mess.

Wow I don't really know what to say... You really are going through hell, I can relate to a pretty far extent. I'm sorry, although that probably sounds insincere

In my opinion this is so right, it really is just a temporary escape.

I guess my question is when do I get this 'real' help and what even is the purpose of it........I mean I just don't know how to feel. I mean I was certain I wanted immediate intervention but even the damn psychologist acknowledged unless its a complete last resort its not worth the psych ward due to the damn cost.

I realize the numbers the psychologist gave me to call to try and get further assessment and help was meant as genuine help, but I can't help like feeling like I went through hell just to talk my mom into helping me pay for my appointments and prescriptions so far since I don't have income yet.........all for a list of phone numbers I don't have any idea what to do with. I mean I don't even know if its worth it....she said I have to be my own advocate and get that help and such but what if I cant. I mean I figured I'd be anxious and freaking out if it went this way but ever since that appointment I cannot shake the feeling of 'why should I care?' i mean this real help seems to be one of those elusive things that may or may not exist but is impossible to attain either way.

Well I think you need to ask yourself/come to a decision of what it all means to you. I mean are you really truly content with staying in your current position? I know for me at least its much easier to just feel somewhat safe and secure in an awful situation while everything else just seems so far away rather than to push forward and look to change or for help. Or do you want to really push & strive to get help even though you're unsure of what good it'll do & where it'll lead you? Ultimately like I said I think that you need to really figure out how you feel about your life, it all comes down to you.

I don't even know if that makes sense, I'd write more but I've no idea what to say..

No I am not really content at all in my current position, but I am not sure what position I'd like to be in. I feel like I want to do something but I don't know what it is, or maybe I am afraid to do the things I would want to. That does kind of make sense.

Take a day or a few, a week or even a month to really try to truly figure out what it is you'd like to do (or why you're afraid to act on those thoughts) then seeing as how you're unhappy with your current position. Even try writing if that helps? Thats what I'm doing, trying to grow stronger by overcoming my demons & attempting to find out what it is that I want to do with my life. I'm in a similar boat to you, suffering from PTSD, I've no longer got a job, have no other source of income, not at Uni or anything & I'm living at home.

Off-topic

Is your name a reference to Sabbath by the way?

I am not certain how things are in your state. But mental wards aren't like they are in the movies. When I was a teenager, yes, it was possible that you could be in there for weeks and months at a time. But now they rarely keep you for more than a week at a time. I was diagnosed with Asperger's when I was staying at a hospital when I was around 14 or 15 years of age, in one of the longer stays. If you do choose to go to a hospital. They will give you test to help them determine if you have Asperger's or not. I'd say go for it. Make certain to bring books though! The main displeasure is the boredom.

Yes my consultant psych told me that the main thing I would experience on the ward when I am admitted on Wednesday is boredom. She also said I'd be an outlier in the patient population because I don't smoke and am more intelligent than most of the other patients. Which she said would add to my boredom. Frankly I'm quite looking forward to the boredom and hoping the lack of stimulation will help shut down my thoughts a little.

My psychiatrist until this point has done everything she can to keep me out of hospital and has been very against my admission on the grounds that I might have difficulty with the environment as a result of ASD. However with the strength of my suicidal thoughts, recent attempted suicide and repeated acts of serious self-harm leave us little choice at this stage. She said when I saw her last week that she didn't know how else to help me at this point and I needed a more in depth evaluation and probably new medication and that being admitted would speed up other aspects of my care such as the psychotherapy referral which I have been waiting to come through since March. But she left the choice to be admitted up to me. I go in on Wednesday and she was going to do her best to get me a side room to myself rather than a bed on the main ward because she felt I would cope better with that. I hope that she has managed to do this.

I don't know how long I'll be there ... she said probably around 2 weeks. I have to say I am really really scared about going and at this stage hope it will be less than that. I am self-harming a lot at the moment to ease my anxiety about going in and to stop myself from doing something more serious before I get there.

(I am in the UK btw, so this is NHS based).

Sweetleaf - I feel for you and hope that you find a way forward for yourself. Going and asking for help was so difficult for you, but you managed it. You know that in order to move out of your current situation, with which you are not happy, you are going to have to continue to stretch out of your comfort zone (or discomfort?). I hope you will be able to make the calls, or ask someone else to , or look up the places online to see if they have an email address you could use instead ...

Well I suppose I could try and think about it....its just had with the pain I am in and constantly being distracted by depression, anxiety and PTSD symptoms I spend so much time reacting to that and/or trying to keep it under control it leaves little time for trying to really think about who I am or what I'd even want in life or anything like that. Also writing doesn't really help me, it used to kind of and if I think of something I really want to write I may write it down but yeah most of the time I wouldn't know what the hell to write other then how I feel sh*tty, distant and confused about life.

I go to my friends house to escape the drama at home, at the end of this week hes heading out of state for a while like a month or something. Not sure how it will go not having that way of escaping and being stuck at my moms house more will effect me. I finally got more meds to help keep me calm though I still can't say I go totally non-prescription drug free but with the clonzepam(however you spell it) the common brand name is klonopin I don't really feel as much of a need to self medicate, still not sure if the mirtazipine is really doing much to help yet. Even so I can't help thinking the klonopin is probably more dangerous than the cannabis with which I self medicate.

And yeah it is a reference to Black Sabbath, pretty good band.

I have a prescription for you: and first off, there's nothing wrong with taking meds, people with heart, stomach, liver, blood pressure, or skin problems all take meds. If anyone has a problem with it, head butt 'em. Not all of those will help, some will work better than others, some will have side effects that go away. They take weeks to months to fully work, and for you to get fully acclimated to them. Various combinations help various people. I've got a meds that have been working pretty well.

I'll give you a musical prescription. It's part what the song says, but also how the song makes you feel (at least how it makes me feel, and maybe I can pass the feeling onto you)

Here's what you do, listen to Iron Maiden, Hallowed be thy name: Listen to the desperation and confusion in his voice as he wonders what went wrong and if there is a god, just moments before he dies. The guy is a murderer, and is about to be hanged. There is a tremendous amount of feeling in this song. I always get the sense that the guy (I know it's Bruce singing, but I like to imagine it's this guy about to be put to death) is finally questioning life, but it's too late. The dude probably wishes he wasn't going to die. The song lets you feel.

Then listen to Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner. It's a cool tale or a dude who makes a huge mistake and almost dooms his crew. Then this part come on, the lyrics and music always make me feel better:

The curse it lives on in their eyes
The mariner wished he'd die
Along with the sea creatures
But they lived on, so did he.

And by the light of the moon
He prays for their beauty not doom
With heart he blesses them
God's creatures all of them too.

Then the spell starts to break
The albatross falls from his neck
Sinks down like lead into the sea
Then down in falls comes the rain.

He got a second chance, things are looking up......

You could listen to Fear of the Dark, which kinda makes me realize I'm not the only one who's afraid of all kinds of things.

The song No Prayer for the dying is always good, it just has that feeling to it. Kinda makes you sad, kinda makes you reflect, best of all, you don't feel alone, someone else is singing about pain, not just you feeling it.

Listen to the guitar riffs in Back in the village just for the energy.

And then ultimately, hang in there, and continue moving forward, always.....no matter how hard it is..

Mm, I know how hard it is when everything is just built up around you and it plays on your mind for most of the time, can get really extreme. Sounds bad, can you go to another friend's to stay or someone else in your family? Or even go to a park/river/library/beach/nature reserve just for a day where you can be alone & try to get away from all your troubles and think clearly. Thats helped me before but honestly I think a ward could be great for you or not so... You just need to push yourself to figure out what it is you want/why you're afraid to act on it (comfort/discomfort zone? As Yellow said), I know its way easier said than done... But hey look as Yellow said, you already pushed yourself to ask for help, that's a massive step.


Yeah they are, Self titled, Masters, Paranoid, SBS & Heaven and Hell are all very solid imo.

Yeah my aunt offers to let me stay at her place, which I will consider....but yeah sometimes just getting out of the house helps, but sometimes not. I mean last time I almost jumped into a bloody riot. But yeah I need to try and figure it out and do something, I think it's the fear that holds me back so I need to find a good way to fight it. I mean maybe my having PTSD does not make me weak maybe it makes sense with what I have been through so I have to figure out who I want to be instead of dwelling on who I might have been without it or who I was before. I have to get it out of my head that I need validation for who I am for it to be ok. I mean hell look at Marylin Manson he's who he wants to be regardless of if he gets any validation for it or not.

Anyways is your name a reference to the band Opeth? if so I like what I have heard of them. Also though I really prefer Ozzy era Sabbath, they are still pretty good with Dio. I actually saw the last Heaven & Hell tour before Dio died....honestly thought he might outlive Ozzy, but I suppose I was wrong.

So I guess I will try and put those numbers to use and get a proper AS assessment and then try to get help for the co-morbid conditions as well but maybe with a more autism friendly approach. But other then that I really don't know, I just feel so fed up with so many things and I don't quite know what I want in life.

Well at least you have somewhere else to stay if you feel you need to get away when your friend is gone, pretty drama free at your Aunts I'm guessing compared to your home? Yeah for me the few times when I've gotten away its either been really productive or the complete opposite.

It doesn't make you weak its just a flaw that can be overcome, I think if anything its made me even stronger as a person. I struggled with that for a long time, dwelling on life before and what I might have been like without it. Its really easy to just continue to dwell on those thoughts. Its pointless to wonder what might have been so I've just forced myself to accept that I am who I am.



Great, good luck! It'll be so much easier for yourself if you do, if thats something you'd really like to try and go for. Fed up club huh.. Each day I feel that I'm slowly making progress even though I get those sh***y days sometimes where everything doesn't quite go to plan. All I know is that I want to be content with my life & you deserve to be too.

Yeah, my name is a reference to Opeth as well as the fictional city that they took their name from I suppose. Definitely one of my favourite bands. Very relatable for me, I guess that's why I love them. Great band if you're into Progressive metal or Folk/Prog rock as they've got their mellower side, Damnation the album & other songs. I used to prefer Dio more but I'd say they're about tied for me now, ah very cool they came here in 2007 but I was away at the time. Mm I didn't see that coming, always thought Dio would outlive him too.