Rants

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I abhor it when you make an effort to try and befriend people and they never once take the initiative to message you, even when you are struggling. If someone doesn't give a monkeys about being your friend, why don't they just f'ing say so. I don't f'ing care anyways. I have no time for those who have no time for me.

Dear King Street Market,
YOU ARE A BUNCH OF THIEVES! I paid $2.85 for a chocolate milkshake, but when called upon to actually make the thing you discover you can't. Refusing to refund the money because it's your policy is NOT acceptable, YOU can't serve your part of the contract, I should be given the money back. To hell with you, I guess if I need something like that fast then I guess I'm just SOL because I know I can't even rely on you to operate legally, let alone in a satisfactory fashion.

I posted some of this on another thread but I think it's more appropriate here. I'm pissed and depressed and will be for weeks because of this.

I just had registration for fall classes today. I get there 20 minutes early and am still towards the very back of the cocksucking line.

It didn't even matter for me how early I got there. They send us these registration cards in the mail and randomly assign three different times on the cards. The times on the cards tell you what time you are allowed into the arena. Then you have to f*****g stand in the line for your time. The people who get the card for the earliest time get there hours beforehand to guarantee that they get all the classes that they want. I've never been assigned the early time before although this was the fourth time I've had to go through this BS, they say it's random. The people in the later lines watch the board to see which classes are filled up while we stand there not allowed to enter the arena. I watched my first two choices get put on that board while I waited outside for twenty minutes in the motherf*cking rain. I had to get 4 classes. The card allows you 9, 4 first choices, 5 backups. I filled out all 9 spots beforehand. Only 3 of my 9 were available. I had to improvise immediately. I'm taking two languages next semester because that's all I could f***ing get. I'm f***ing stressed too because I hate waiting in loud lines then frenetically trying to race for your classes. I've never gotten the classes that I've wanted every single f*****g time I go through this s**t. I should f***ing transfer. I f***ing hate the registration process here. I’ve learned from the thread I started about this that my college’s registration process sucks even compared to most other places because most places have internet registration.

Because so many of my classes had filled up I had to improvise and fill out classes on the fly. If I had a semi-automatic on me at the time, the kill count I would have put up would have taken Virginia Tech right out of the f*****g news. I might have to choose a major based off what is available rather than what I want. It's f*****g BS. Every time before registration I keep dreaming about the classes that I want and imagining that the next time I will get in so that I can finally figure out what I want to do with my life. My college has a very good reputation but it's kind of f*****g pointless when you can't get into any of the f*****g classes you want.

The IT people at my campus are fu*ktarded. Every time we have a break they mess with the campus wireless and we have to re-register with their system or our computers have no internet access. I think my college might have used to have internet registration but for some reason they disocntinued it. Hackers or something, combined with incompetent tech people, and this is supposedly one of the top rated most prestigious colleges in the f***ing state. After being here I see that the reason for that is that they spend millions on worthless sh** such as these crappy art pieces to litter the campus than actually spending the money to help the f***ing students. I want to f***ing transfer. The prestige of the diploma means nothing if I can never get into the classes that I want. I might have to choose my major based upon what I am allowed to take, this sh** could have a massive effect on my future and it is pissing me off!

I'm sick of all this loneliness. I've had it with this life. I'm not interested. I hope I die soon.

Stupid... Pathetic... What is with people and 'virginity'? Who cares if you had sex! No one wants to know what you did in your bedroom Friday night! Gah... Who cares if you had sex for the first time, it's not a big deal, damnit! If I had sex for the first time, I wouldn't post in the adult section and say I had sex! Gah...

How can someone read your poems and letters and see you every day for 9 months, yet not come to care for you at all. It is beyond me, the nature of some humans who seem to have hearts as cold as a block of ice.

People who tell me I need to stop eating sweets, die please!! !

I hate NT blabber. I dislike high-fructose corn syrup. I have
quite the disdain for the conventional, and ordinary.

I feel compelled to waller in the agony of my mutilated,
farfetched endevours.

In 2003, I had two positive things in my life: my job and my yoga.
Everything else sucked so I left the job and moved.
Got a boyfriend, got a job.
Fell down a long flight of stairs which ripped shoulder cartilage to threads. I haven't been able to do yoga since, and I was REALLY good at it. Now my athletic body has turned into a middle-aged body...
My father died in a fatal motorbike accident because he was drunk and not wearing a helmet.
I left my job because they were going to dock my salary for the time I spent going to Thailand to see him on his deathbed.
Got another job where I was disliked by a certain person from day one who made my life so difficult that I filed a complaint with the US Equal Employment Office for "hostile work environment". One more job reference down the drain, and job lost.
Tried to work for a research psychiatrist but the atmosphere was hostile and I was accused of "getting angry" despite not getting paid for over a month's worth of work. Was soo looking forward to that job...
Took a job as lecturer this January, but my co-instructor (who has seniority because she has a master's and I don't) was a nightmare to work with and our boss took her side against me, probably because all my students rave about me and word got back to her about that...

So now I have a job interview scheduled on Monday, as clinical research associate for a major cancer research center. It is very close to my dream job.

HOWEVER
It will require moving me and my husband to another island, selling all our belongings, moving to a place where the cost of living is very high (Honolulu - okay maybe this isn't such a bad idea)
AND
it is unknown what horrible people I will be working with.

I am very leery of making such a drastic life change, for a job. I'm an aspie. If somebody looks at me the wrong way, I take offense. I am trying to tell myself that I can do it, I can prevail over as*holes. Plus since I've had such a string of disappointments, I am leery.

I don't know what to do except put one foot in front of the other...

(Oh and BTW, cancer kind of scares me. I'm a nurse and have seen everything, but this is my disease phobia. Sigh)

my future scares me. I see no future for myself.
I hate feeling trapped in my own home. No one should have to feel like this.

You know, I have spent years struggling with my own thoughts that expressing my pain to others makes me an attention seeker. I have hated myself when I have shared, feeling myself to be pathetic, useless, weak, attention seeking. I don't have anyone to share my darker feelings with in my real life. My parents will no longer allow me to speak of any problems I have. I am angry right now and I am hurt. And I hate people who hurt me...really hate them. Anyone who dares to claim that this sort of thing is some sort of perverse act for attention??? JESUS f'ING CHRIST, you think I like being this way???? You think I LIKE feeling so down all the time, never knowing when my mood is next going to swing or when something else going wrong might push me into another rage? You think someone is going to beat the crap out of themselves for attention??? Give me a f'ing break. And even if some do do this sort of thing for attention, does that make them a bad person? They must be fairly in a fairly desperate state if they would go to such extremes in the first place. I am angry and I am crying and I am upset as I had just calmed down from earlier, and then some twisted jackass decides to throw more at me.

And I am left thinking... shall I go... but if I go, I will be seen as an attention seeker and if I go, I am left without the only support network I have right now, even though I do not trust many to actually care anyway, in spite of what is said. Shall I stay? But if I stay, I no longer feel safe expressing my pain, and will be left always wondering, is everyone else thinking I am an attention seeker too? IS everyone sat there, rolling their eyes and thinking, here she goes again with her stupid dramatics, why can't she shut up already?