My Husband has a Secret Relationship w/Someone

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I did. I'm playing the honest and open, trusting card. At this point it makes him look like a bigger piece of s**t. He is taking no responsibility for our problems.

frankly speaking, i think it just makes you look gullible. i respect the fact that you are trying for reconciliation. i also respect the fact that you're doing your best to rescue your invested years but this tactic would only have been effective if your husband, thought, felt and was reciprocating, in kind.

he isn't.

from everything you have written the problem isn't "his friend" but that he was unhappy before she ever came along which is why this new found friendship became the outlet for his unhappiness.

i sincerely am not trying to be hurtful or harsh but i do feel the need to be honest as there's no one else in your life that will tell it to you straight...he has already let go...time you did the same...fnord and yippyskippy have offered practical and sensible advice...i would seriously urge you to review their posts again...

you don't sound as tho you are aware you need to be protecting yourself...maintaining some (questionable) moral high ground isn't going to stand for anything when/if he pulls the rug out from under you.

gauge your actions, going forward, by his actions, not his words...actions=separation/living elsewhere for a month. words=he wants you to be happy and yet doesn't appear to be doing anything with you to resolve your differences.

please. protect yourself.

I agree I was gullible. And yes everyone's advice has been practical and sensible.

Today I've been thinking long and hard about what to do financially. Tomorrow is pay day, I'll set my alarm early so I can get bills paid and money moved to my own account before he can hit the atm.

Monday I see a marriage counselor and hopefully she can give me recommendations as to who to seek council with.

i can't tell you how relieved i am to read that you are finally looking at self preservation! i really do feel you're now thinking along the right lines.
phew!

i'm not saying it's all over and there may well come a time when he comes crawling back. what you do then is up to you but right now you need to put yourself first, the way he's putting himself first.

please do make sure to sort the bills and money out tomorrow, and let no feelings of guilt etc get in the way. you wouldn't be having to do any of this were it not for him!

Sweet Pea hugs

So my husband's mother left today to go visit other friends and relatives then drive home tomorrow. She said she'd talk to my husband tonight as he is living at his cousin's and she'll stay there. Mostly just that he needs to sit down with me about our financials. She gave no words of hope. Just said "Whatever happens, happens. You are a strong person." then she said she'd be back in 3 months.

I guess you guys were right, no one wants to say to my face that he's done. No one seems to care that he is cheating on me.

I cannot understand at all why he wouldn't want to try to save it. How can anyone just up and decide, "Yep, I'm done. But I'm not telling you, I'll let you figure it out."

He did agree to meet me at the marriage counselor Monday's. To what avail I don't know. One minute I was hopeful, now I'm depressed wondering what's the point. But where I wake up in the morning with hope in my heart, thinking if he just gets some sleep and rest. Eats, stops talking to his BF and this woman. Maybe then we could get down to the meat of our problems. At least recognize what went wrong. But after his mom left, down the emotional roller coaster I went.

She showed me a photo of the group of people they went with to a ball-game. People have been falling over themselves to cheer up Frank's son and wife. So someone got tickets to this game for them, Todd and his mom, and some other people. She said the other woman wasn't there, or she lied.

Anyway in the photo was my MIL, Frank's wife and kid. She said she had no idea who the man behind them photobombing the shot was. I looked at it, he was hardly recognizable. I said it's hubby. She didn't believe me at first, looked long and hard at it. Then was astonished to realize it was him. She said he told her he nearly fainted at work because he had forgotten to eat for more than 24 hours. He needs to see a counselor.

I tried to go out and do some shopping. I just wandered around the stores thinking, he's with his friends and family. He's talking to her on IM, maybe she's there. He wouldn't care if I disappeared tomorrow. Why isn't he in pain, why doesn't he shed tears with me? I can't even get him to agree to ground rules of this separation. He's just doing as he pleases.

It's been 3 weeks since he last said he loved me and meant it. It's been one week since he walked out.

At what point is it okay to announce to the world he cheated and then left? Third or fourth marriage counseling appointment when it's obvious it's useless?

As if she owns the place. I strongly recommend you don't let this woman stay in your home again.



He's a selfish person, and he's doing whatever is easier for him and makes him happy.



It's okay right now, and in fact I think it would be healthy for you. It isn't your fault he's cheated, so there's no reason you need to cover for him. I covered up a lot of the abusive things my ex did. Later on after we split up, I felt like I couldn't say anything without sounding like a bitter ex who was making things up for revenge.

No she doesn't. Her grand-daughter and grand-grandkid live here as well as her daughter's best friend (wife of the guy in the car accident), and her nephew and his family. She lived in this city for years and has many friends. When she says she'll be back in town, I don't know if she'll be staying here. Hell, at this point I don't know where I'LL be living in 3 months.

Being uncertain of having a home is a huge phobia for me. When my parents divorced my mom got custody but she had no job, no experience, had to work s**t jobs but still had to go on welfare. The divorce wasn't finalized so no child support for awhile. She missed the rent payment and we got notice of eviction. I spent the whole day at school freaked out that the Sheriff would come and put locks on the door. All our stuff, our pets, would be confiscated. Thankfully they didn't kick us out, mom got off welfare, got child support and we moved.

Just about every phobia and fear I could possibly have is hitting me all at once right now. And he doesn't care. I just didn't know it had gotten so bad between us.

So yeah, hoping the MIL would be a little tiny bit supportive was too much to ask. I texted her the morning she left for home that she could call me about Todd.

Later on FB I updated my status to broken. Several friends and my mother showed their support. MIL replied, "Just remember you're stronger than you think." I lost it, I wrote back, "What aren't you telling me? This silent treatment is killing me." She said she didn't mean anything by it.

I look around our apartment, at the 20 years of stuff that represents our lives. This is my home, my safe place. I love my things, books, movies, collectibles. I'd have to give back the antiques that belong to his mothers family. I'd have to sell my fun car. The costs of a lawyer, financial advisor. Of packing and moving. We have 3000 in savings, that's it. No 401k (lost that in the recession), a ton of cc debt. I'd probably have to move back to the s**thole town I couldn't wait to get out of. Live in some relatives basement or spare room. And then there are our three cats. He's crazy if he thinks he's getting them.

We'll both end up bankrupt I guarantee it. He really has no clue what this is about to do to both of us. All because he refuses to try. It's too hard.

Finally got some answers out of him today. He didn't intend on having an affair, but he won't end it. Won't let me see the texts. In his mind, yes it's wrong but he considered our marriage dead for some time. He just didn't tell me. He says he's not sorry he met her and that he was going to tell me eventually. That last one I doubt.

Seems once I was diagnosed he was happy that I found piece of mind, but sad because I couldn't ever show him love. That I never emote love to him in the same way I do animals or objects.

The dead bedroom was my fault entirely, and yes I don't know how to show him physically that I love him. All the ways I tried to prove my love didn't really mean anything to him. He had complained in the past about me not hugging him enough, or seeming happy to see him. I should have listened instead of letting it feed my self-hate and anxiety.

I don't know if this is the fog talking or how he has always felt. I asked why he didn't tell me we were in trouble and needed counseling, why wait until it was too late? He said he couldn't admit our marriage was dying.

All this time, the last few years I thought it was depression, or mid-life crisis. But it was him not wanting to be with me anymore.

He says he wants me to be happy, but he means be happy without him. I always thought he supported me, that he understood me. But he couldn't admit he didn't want to be married to an Aspie who didn't know how to show love.

We went to the marriage counselor. He changed his mind about waiting for me to get help. He's filing at the end of the week.

I'll lose my husband, my home, our insurance, possibly be bankrupt because we are in so much debt and this divorce will just add to the pile. He has no means to pay for mediation or lawyers, fees.

I seriously have no idea what he is thinking. He compared ending our marriage to ripping of the bandaid. Does he thinks it's going to be that simple? Just file a paper, poof, our bills are separate, he pays for two places, and gives me alimony?

This is all too much, my brain feels like it's going to explode from all the thoughts of future misery.

You really need to talk to a divorce lawyer. Also you should look into what types of public assistance may be available to you. You seem to be prioritizing therapy sessions right now, but therapy isn't going to keep a roof over your head.
It's time for you to be the hero you need.

Yippyskippy, I love your advice. Very sound.

Pink, you actually are stronger than you think. It seems to me you are circling around in a whirlpool of thoughts and regrets. Break out of that. You have many strengths, and you'll be able to live on your own. I think you're terrified of that idea. But once you're able to accept it, you can begin to make your life happen.

Hi Pink,

I wrote a long reply but it got lost when I posted it and I don't think I can write it again.

I read your thread from the beginning.

Three years ago, my husband said he didn't love me anymore. After 19 years together. This came completely out of the blue for me. We tried counselling - at my insistence - but he had clearly made his decision, and what was worse was that he had been feeling like that for several years! He didn't tell me because a) he hoped things would get better and b) he was worried that I wouldn't cope.

He was right - I didn't cope. I had lost everything. I ended up spending a lot of time in the psychiatric hospital.

But three years on, I'm doing much better. I'm back at work. I have just managed to buy myself a small flat. I have support from various organisations, my employer and my family (who I was basically estranged from before, by my doing). My husband and I are friends, and he continues to support me, even though he has just moved in with his girlfriend of two years. Not everything is rosy, but it's a heck of a lot better than it was.

I honestly don't know how things will end up for you. But I really do get how horrible and hopeless things seem just now. So hang in there, and try to take control of the things you can (however small they may be).

YB

His reasons for not telling me were the same. We won't be going back to marriage counseling together, his mind seems set. As long as I have insurance I am going to a marriage counselor alone to address the issues I brought into our relation. Maybe then I can avoid them in the future. At least the counselor disagreed with his view on how love can be shown between spouses. He expects me to run to the front door and hug him everyday. Be smiling and cheerful to see him. Lots of touching, etc. He said he didn't care about the other ways of showing love like gifts, or doing things to make his life easier or better.

It didn't seem to bother him before. The biggest jab of the knife was that he has rewritten our marriage of the past 8 years (exactly the time since his father died and he never sought help for). He says he's never seen me happy.

I am without any one here. He is living with family, in constant contact with friends and of course her. He won't seek outside help. I know I won't be living here in 6 months. I will have to sell or throw out most of my possessions. And I LOVE my things. But most of all I worry for my three cats. If I end up in a hospital he might take them away. Or if I have to move somewhere and there is no place for them.

They are suffering the affects of depression and anxiety, each acting out in their own ways.

I strongly suspect I will have to move back to my old home town. Find a job. He's says he'll take care of me, but we don't have the money. Too much debt. We won't qualify for a big enough loan for debt consolidation for at least another 8 months when the foreclosure comes off our reports.

He's impulsive and only thinking of now. Not of the consequences. He decided to file without looking into any of the process, the costs, nothing. He just wants it done. Like a band-aid he said.

Thank you for telling me your story. It kind of adds to my anxieties but am glad to know I am not alone in this experience.

Major set back in therapy today. This is the same counselor (who was the first I could get an appointment with) that my husband told I was using my Aspergers as a crutch and he felt more or less trapped by the diagnosis.

Today the counselor spent most of the 45 minutes asking about past trauma and bullying. He'd keep interrupting, I guess to get back on track.

I honestly don't believe he has had experience with women on the scale. Maybe I referred to it too much, after I said I'm positive my father has it he stopped me. Then he said he does not believe I have Asperger's as I don't display it like the few others he has seen.

He doubted my self-identity from the first moment I mentioned it. From the first session where my husband did most of the talking. He kept looking at my husband, talking to him rather than me.

I insisted my husband see a counselor. He made an appointment with this guy. Pretty sure the guy will agree with everything he says. And probably not try and convince him to give marriage counseling a try. He knew my husband lied about reconsidering if I was happy.

It's dramatic and incorrect to say the world is against me, but it is hard not to feel like it after this. Am I that unlikable as a human being? I needed this man's help, and after two sessions I feel worse than when I started. And that's on top of my husband declaring he loves me but is not in love with me.