I don't know whats wrong with me

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Don't be so hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. It's not to say that he has lost interest altogether. Wait and see. You will become special to someone, maybe someone you haven't even met yet.

don't call yourself that. you are not stupid, but you do find social interactions to be impenetrable as do many of the rest of us here. please don't be so hard on yourself.

I've waited a year already from when I first saw a spark of interest. How long can you realistically wait? I thought that things would have gone somewhere by now.

He was just so enthusiastic and lovely and I was too shy and nervous and I don't think I reciprocated and now he's given up. And I can't fix it.

It's so rare that I meet someone I really like.

Sorry to hear you're hurting, hugs!

Better luck next time. See this like an opportunity to learn how this next year will look for you.
Make a realistic year plan with the ultimate goal: go on a date.

I hope that after the depression phase and mourning period, you will find the strength to get some real pro help for the social anxiety and building self-esteem

If he's not going out with anyone else you may still have a chance to fix it. Email him a cute image (kitty or whatever...) or something and ask how he's doing? I'm well aware how difficult it can be to do something "daring" like that when we're so shy of contact but give it a try maybe.

I agree with HelloSweetie that you need to work on improving your self esteem and wish you all the best - it's not too late to fix it!

the key thing is to keep engaging him. don't give up on him. don't give up on YOURSELF either. keep up the lines of communication.

Im not sure people always 'get together' after the first few verbal exchanges.

Has anyone that knows you personally ever given you feedback as to 'whats wrong with you'? Do you have any ideas of your own?

I dont say this to be mean. I just hate to see someone so desperately alone like that. I'm a very needy person for another, have only been alone 5months and already want to kill myself, so I empathize as deeply as I can.

I'm not going to be another to tell you "now, now, it's ok it'll happen". That may be true, but it doesn't help. But I think you do need to relax about it as much as you can. But it's easier said than done when you're dragging around this mountain of rejection and self worthlessness. I get that, believe me I do.

IS it maybe the guys you are interested in aren't really good fits? Too far above or below 'your league' will evidently lead to rejection from what I'm learning being new to dating at 38. Perhaps men sense your wanting to be serious too quickly... this will scare many men. Maybe they fear you will be 'clingy or needy'.

I'm grasping at straws here because I simply dont know anything about you. But I really feel your desperation and it's sad...

I mean, for example, if I were a man you were interested in, how would you approach me? What kinds of things would you say, or what things would you typically do to encourage me to talk to you?

Have you ever had someone try to set you up with someone? I remember back in high school and early 20s it was commonplace for a girl to ask a guy questions for another girl who's interested but too shy. I think for guys that'd turn women off, but even at 38 I'd think it was cute if a woman was too shy to approach me and had a friend do it. Adorable in fact.

Also guys are just so different. Maybe you're meeting them all in the same way. If it's all through work, or church, or some other social setting, the 'types' of people may be limited and maybe those 'types' arent a good fit for you.

I know you've scoffed at the idea of trying any sort of online dating but I'd encourage you to reconsider. Especially as a woman. Any women I've talked to that use those things barely have to do any work other than sifting through the as*holes. I mean, it was many years ago and Ive discovered alots changed, but I met my ex wife online and we were together over 12 years, and she was the awesomest fit I could have ever imagined. It takes away so much nervousness to break the ice through messaging and texting. And you get exposed to a wider variety of 'types' that you previously may not have considered.

Again, just throwing stuff out there... if it's no good just say so... Im not trying to make you feel worse, please let me know if I do.

Well in your desperate state you have two options. Realistic healthy ones that is. 1- Accept your position as single and stop trying. Learn to live with it. 2- Keep actively trying. Those are your only options. I suggest a break and getting back to it.

Dont listen to your friends. Guys are shy. I don't come off as it, but I am super shy. If the internet didn't exist, and a woman never approached me, I'd probably be a virgin. Once I know someone, it's far different, but to actually approach and initiate interest in a woman I'm interested in is terrifying. I havent had to do it for many years up until very recently, but it's horrible. My point is-- if you have the courage to initiate interest in someone you should, because he may not. And there's nothing wrong with it.

People just say to me, "no there's nothing wrong with you. It's these men that have the problem." That's not much to work with lol.

I don't believe in leagues and neither dies my sister. If people like each other, they like each other and that's what matters.

I'm not too serious too quick. I'm too cautious. It takes a long time for me to get to trust someone. I observe them from a distance and see how they act and I talk to them and find out about them over a period of months.

I think that I seem disinterested. But I've never been into someone I've just met. I need time.

That's why I don't like dating sites. I'm just looking at a load of strangers and I never want to meet any of them.

I don't think I behave the way other women do when they are interested in someone. Other women are more flirty and more in your face about it. They're like: "hey, take a selfie with me!" "give me a hug". I'm too shy.

Seriously, the last guy I like went to give me a hug amd I fell over. I'm so awkward. I was mortified. And then I gave him an embarrassed non hug/pat on the back.

I guess my lack of self esteem makes me cautious.

The problem is as I'm becoming slowly more attracted to the guy. He is slowly giving up and moving on and thinking I'm uninterested and not affectionate and cold.

Sometimes you need to leave your comfort zone.

Time to throw caution to the winds - just laugh it off as if you fell over on purpose as a joke. Feel free to have a light hearted tumble-about! It may just break the ice completely!

In other words, don't be too serious as this makes you self conscious.

Falling over when he tried to hug you is just classic.

I was giggling like a loon reading, I think I would have fallen for the girl who did that to me, I'd have pissed myself laughing if you'd patted me on the back.

I'm still chuckling away.

I think you're just picking the wrong guys to stalk and pursue HL.

Oh this was a different guy ages ago, it's just an example of my awkward coldness.

so it is that the men in your experience expect you to act far faster than you do? have you thought about obtaining the services of a matchmaker?

A professional matchmaker or just a friend with good social skills?

I've decided that's it's just the men I'm meeting and it's not me. Even if that's deluded, I think it's the only way I'm going to get through this low ebb.

If I feel sad about anyone in particular, if my mind wanders back to the past, and there have been a few guys who've made me feel that way, I'm just going to to say, "no, he's not worth feeling sad about." and make myself think about something more positive.

They do exist. I mean it's not an absolute, but we're saying the same things in a way. Yes, if people like each other, they do, but in order for that to me mutual, people would most often be in the same 'league'. For example, if you were interested in a man who was significantly less attractive than you, even if you 'didn't care' about that, it's possible that anxiety of you're being 'too good' would prevent many men from being comfortable with you. Other way around and you may be the one insecure, or he may not have as much interest. At least that's how I see it as a man. It may play out differently for women.



This could be your problem right here. Or a big part of it. Logically, how often are you going to be in a situation where you can observe an eligible, desirable man for months before you express interest? Unless you have many social pursuits where you see the same people, it's basically... work? I mean, where else? I think I remember you mentioning church, if so then there too, but you're really minimizing your possible prospects. It's just not a logical thing to expect to be able to do.

You cannot expect to know you can trust someone before you express interest. In my opinion you have it backwards. Because again, it's just not realistic. (I say none of this to be mean, Im just being direct and giving honest perspective). It's backwards because trust must be built over time. You cannot expect to want to date and simultaneously avoid emotional risk. It's a 'game' loaded with risk, and the currency is your emotions. You cannot determine someone's trustworthiness from observing at a distance, even if your mind tells you you can. You cannot. You have to get to know somebody and take the chance they may not prove trustworthy and you will get hurt or disappointed. While you're getting to know them, part of this is evaluating their trustworthiness in an actual first hand way. If you find you cannot trust someone, you must move on.

As far as the dating site thing I wont beat you over the head with it. It's just seemingly how things are done today for most people, and I don't like it myself. However if you are shy, you can meet people that you can get to know a little before you even have to meet them in person, which helps. For me at least. I couldn't even do it any other way personally. I mean even with my ex wife we talked online for a week before we met in person despite only living 20 min away from each other. So it's not just all going out ot meet a bunch of strangers. Some people do that, but there are people, just like yourself, but are men, who are equally cautious and shy as well. Who'd like to just talk for a few weeks before having to meet. It just exposes you to people you would not otherwise have exposure to. But that's all. I can see why it's very undesirable and 'cold'.



I think there's a lot of middle ground here for you to potentially explore. There's much between 'months to approach' and 'hanging all over someone'. Not sure where in there you'd be comfortable, but it's certainly not one or the other.



I agree with the guy who says maybe you're pursuing the wrong guys then. I tend to think a little awkwardness is adorable.

Cautious is healthy but can be overdone, and I think that's where you're at. If you really want something bad enough, in this case a relationship, you have to be willing to take a little bit of that risk.

Surely this last point can be happening. If I were casually talking to a woman for months with no real visible interest being shown, I'd assume she weren't interested.


Again, sorry if Im too direct.