Do i deserve this label?

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02 May 2023, 12:36 pm

From what you've said,

You admit you stare at people.
You admit it would make you uncomfortable to be scared at.
You know that we've warned you not to do it.
You're choosing to do it anyway.
You're choosing to go to a pub where you have a creep reputation.
You're upset with a woman who danced with you four years ago.
People know you like the idea of women sitting on your lap.
People seem to know you're a virgin and you'd like sex.

All of this would set off huge alarm bells for women.
It seems like you know how women would feel but you don't have empathy.
People can pick up the "vibe" when someone has no empathy.
That makes everything seem a little more problematic.

You asked for our input and we've given it.
We aren't trying to judge you or be unkind.
We're only considering things you've already said.

What are you going to do with the information we've given you?
Is there anything you might consider doing differently?

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Jamesy
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02 May 2023, 12:45 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

I will stop asking women to sit on my lap. Maybe over time if I correct my behaviour the creep reputation will go away.

funeralxempire
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02 May 2023, 12:47 pm

Jamesy wrote:

Maybe over time if I correct my behaviour the creep reputation will go away.

That's an important thing, reputations take time to build and positive aspects in particular require consistency for people to notice.

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IsabellaLinton
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02 May 2023, 12:49 pm

Have you worked on any positives, like how to act (instead of "how not to act")?

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Jamesy
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02 May 2023, 1:01 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

Have you worked on any positives, like how to act (instead of "how not to act")?

Yes I have tried to control staring at people

MatchboxVagabond
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02 May 2023, 1:09 pm

funeralxempire wrote:

Jamesy wrote:

Maybe over time if I correct my behaviour the creep reputation will go away.

That's an important thing, reputations take time to build and positive aspects in particular require consistency for people to notice.

It is, and it isn't even enough to not yourself be engaged in creepy actions, it's every guy before you as well. I've had women snap at me for staring, and they completely missed the point that I was staring where I was staring well before they walked in front of my gaze. If they don't want to be looked at, then perhaps don't stand where the guys are already looking. We're supposedly the ones that don't understand how eye contact works, it shouldn't be our responsibility to predict where people will eventually stand unless it's really obvious.

Sometimes I think when that happens that the real problem isn't that I'm staring, it's that I didn't try to chat her up.

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02 May 2023, 1:15 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

Jamesy wrote:

Sometimes staring for to long is just part of having aspergers.

Uh, no.

I'm autistic and I don't stare at women.
I don't stare at men.
I don't stare at children or disabled people.
I don't stare at anyone.

I might stare at the wall or be spaced out, but not at people.

I know that would make people very uncomfortable.

If only NT women thought that way. I get stared at by women all the time in public even though I avoid eye contact with them. But I can still see them staring, from my periphery, or the feeling of them "burning a hole in my face". I find it so frustrating and triggering, as I know I'm not doing anything weird to make them stare. They shouldn't stare anyway. Don't they know it might make me uncomfortable? Would they like being stared at?
Unempathetic hypocrites.

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02 May 2023, 2:41 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:

People can pick up the "vibe" when someone has no empathy.
That makes everything seem a little more problematic.

What does that vibe feel like? Can Aspies pick it up also since we generally cannot read or interpret non-verbal behavior?

IsabellaLinton
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02 May 2023, 2:59 pm

A vibe isn't a behaviour.
It's an energy or an intuition.

It feels like a warning sign.

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funeralxempire
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02 May 2023, 3:10 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:

IsabellaLinton wrote:

People can pick up the "vibe" when someone has no empathy.
That makes everything seem a little more problematic.

What does that vibe feel like? Can Aspies pick it up also since we generally cannot read or interpret non-verbal behavior?

You've never felt that feeling that someone's f****d up and that distance should be maintained?

It kinda feels like that.

ProfessorJohn
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02 May 2023, 3:10 pm

Can Aspies pick up on these vibes? I don't know if I have ever really felt them before. They are obviously non-verbal, though.

funeralxempire
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02 May 2023, 3:15 pm

Joe90 wrote:

IsabellaLinton wrote:

Jamesy wrote:

Sometimes staring for to long is just part of having aspergers.

As you've observed before, women get more leeway on creepy and/or potentially intimidating behaviour. When guys do that behaviour to other guys they're liable to get decked.

When I was younger if someone insisted on staring I'd stare right back, but I've found that's read as confrontational (because, well, it is).

Nowadays I'd probably try to disarm it, like pantomine wiping my face off, looking at it and asking them, aww, do I got bird s**t on my face again? You get to make fun of them for staring and they have to suck it up because how you did it.

funeralxempire
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02 May 2023, 3:16 pm

ProfessorJohn wrote:

Can Aspies pick up on these vibes? I don't know if I have ever really felt them before. They are obviously non-verbal, though.

Considering the people who are telling you about them, I can only assume yes.

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02 May 2023, 3:20 pm

I have diagnosed autism, and I’ve certainly felt creeped out by behavior similar to or the same as that which has been described in this thread.

I pick up on vibes.

ProfessorJohn
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02 May 2023, 3:44 pm

Maybe that is a symptom of Asperger's that some of us have that others don't. I know I have had a therapist tell me that I might give off unusual "vibes" due to Asperger's, like giving off signals that I am not romantically interested in someone when I really was. I really can't pick up on romantic interest vibes either-I need to look for overt behavior and/or spoken things.

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02 May 2023, 4:11 pm

funeralxempire wrote:

ProfessorJohn wrote:

IsabellaLinton wrote:

People can pick up the "vibe" when someone has no empathy.
That makes everything seem a little more problematic.

What does that vibe feel like? Can Aspies pick it up also since we generally cannot read or interpret non-verbal behavior?

You've never felt that feeling that someone's f****d up and that distance should be maintained?

It kinda feels like that.

Is that Fnord's avatar?

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