Rants

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Can't find the nicely designed but sometimes annoyingly protruding pencil sharpener which I would like more if I used a different pencil case.

Switching pencil cases now.

'Mama's boy' is the demeaning version of something much more complicated for when it comes to my behaviour; my mistrust and reservations in ppl (more so when revealing this to Caucasian ppl specifically) is a sort of judgment and ridicule which I have always dreaded.

I am not what I was made out to be by
XH’s mom
XH
Claire
Kevin (insulting way he talked about me to me n things he said were NOT true- it was a bully’s way n a misogynistic lawyer’s way NOT reality)

I am usually honest to a fault
Except a few times (not on purpose just in the flow of things i generalize n it doesnt always apply so technically its false)
which I immediately correct n tell the person if I realize

I am not mean to anyone who did me no wrong
The only reason i finally became ‘mean’ to XH was because i had to stand up fr myself after years of abuse n later attempts to remove kids frm me
That too i still kept defaulting back to being nice
Until what he did .. it srsly harmed kid (pneumonia situation)

N then he lied about me to his friend

So of course i was mad then (after a couple of weeks of pondering it)

So what they said n tried to make me out to be was UNTRUE
I am nOT like the women in the news who abused their maid
That is what claire was trying to make me out to be when she lied about me
A twisted spoilt privileged arrogant bully

That is not me

That is actually her.
And him,
And them,
And that is IT

I hate myself and I hate my body. I have gained 40 pounds within the last 2 years because I was cooped up in an apartment back in Akron, and because I currently live near a very busy street without sidewalks. I can barely shave my privates anymore due to my belly getting in the way. The weight I lost was from using my Wii Fit years ago, but i doubt it will help me again, because most people don't use a Wii anymore. My husband said he still loves me, but I still fear that gaining any more weight will scare him away. My stepdad is overweight and diabetic, and my husband has a cousin in Florida who is diabetic because she is 600 pounds, and I am scared I am headed that direction, too. I feel that I am good at nothing. I haven't had a job in 4 years, and I suck at arts and crafts.

I am not looking forward to seeing my mom tomorrow, because my teenage niece will also be coming along. She is skinny, got big boobs, a big ass, and natural blonde hair, basically what every man could ask for. I'm also sure she is more talented than I'll ever be, and will get a decent job when she gets older. Maybe I'll lie to my mom and tell her I am sick. I hate to do this to her on her birthday, but I just don't want to go. Sometimes I fantasize about murdering the Kardashians and the Royals simply because their lives are better than mine.

Looking at other WP members like Joe90 and League Girl, they both have perfect bodies, jobs, and men in their lives who love them. I also have many cousins and friends who are attractive, talented, and employed; I have one cousin who is a teacher and has a husband and two sons, and she lives in South Carolina. Me, I am useless because I don't have a job, weigh as much as a newborn elephant, barely found a husband, play too many video games, and suck at the talents I was given; the only people who make things out of Perler beads anymore are children.

YOu are not worthless. You haven’t killed anyone. You haven’t scammed people knowing they were in a weak position. You have a quirky hobby.
That makes you already more likeable than a lot of people out there.

I wish u wdnt beat urself up. A lot of our self-hatred, worries and COmparisons between others is really due to chemical n hormone stuff.

It means it isn’t reality.

I think u mentioned u have bipolar before. I knew a girl who had bipolar and she always compared herself so much, thought low of herself and got really anxious n angry thinkIng she was useless

In reality sooo many ppl including me n my parents thought highly of her due to her amazing soul n a lot of things about her which really she never saw or realized or believed were good traits ! We still think highly of her n speak highly of her. My dad told me a couple of days ago he always includes her in his prayer.
She is my ex H’s sister. N we still care fr her even thoygh she thinks everyone hates her cz she had a mental breakdown n other things.. no! It was just a bump in the road n she is still a worthy n good human being that ppl care about even if she doesn’t realize

So believe me the agitation n pain u are experiencing is not what u really are .

I know it is horrible being alone at night.

I hope u hang out here on WP if need be n check in with us whenever u want or are able to somehow sleep.

I'm not bipolar, but I do have some PTSD and intermittent explosive disorder. I have suffered from low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, even getting married didn't make me feel 100% better.

I hope the night passes well fr u

Im sorry fr misremembering . Fr ptsd this is written by a lady who was severely ritually n sexually abused

Essentially she wd agree with ur way of dealing
Which is to acknowledge it n talk about ur pain


https://beatingtrauma.com/2018/06/20/th ... JGiLvzcve4

https://youtu.be/8LHdYTngNxk?t=116 1:56-2:13 .i.e. how the universe operates in regards to me..

___

Husband hasn't returned home. I only spent two hours with him today because his f*****g bipolar is putting him to sleep. I want him back on the Vyvanse so we could spend more time with each other, and honestly, I don't care if if makes him more manic. It's not fair that he is spending time with his dying uncle and not pay attention to me. This is why I want to kill myself!

Witch’s Cat my night is not going well either that is why I am always on WP at night sleeping alone too. So I hope it makes it a tiny degree better to know you are not ‘alone’ in being alone!

Is there a youtube video u cd put on to help soothe your mind?
Sometimes I have to put on affirmations or ocean sounds on youtube in order to sleep
Wd that help? Gosh I shd take my own advice!

Nothing seems to be working, and I am honestly scared that people may break into our home, because people are f*****g as*holes who can do whatever the f**k they want. I want him back on the Vyvanse because it helped him to stay on track, and it's not fair that the as*hole doctors took him off of it.

*deep breath*

I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIM
RIGHT f*****g NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

I know I get scared too

But then I think ‘meh Then they might kill me at worst- what more can happen?’

If my kids were here tonight it wd be bad if they broke in but if someone breaks in tonight it is not that bad.

He’ll be back soon! Hold tight n hugs! humongous hugs

WitchsCat, hang in there. It's only one night, isn't it?

By the time you read this, it will probably be the next day, so I hope you're doing alright. Maybe in future you could have someone stay with you while your husband is away, or someone you could call.

Sending your lots of strength.