Rants

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It deeply s---ks that so much of the presence of the 'most common', most s---y factors remain b/c of some of the most powerful 'outside of human circle of control' forces-- or at least that *impression* on it's own is so powerfully convincing.

Sometimes the oldest questions are the most important--I'm not too sure whether hate that or love that saying right now.

F—k you society for bullying me into thinking I’m unproductive if I’m not employed.

I think u are thinking on a higher level than my mind is capable of reaching so I still don’t understand i agree that unemployed doesn’t mean ur not working hard n being productive.
EG I know looking after kids even if theybare high needs, is considered zero productibity by society esp lawyers n other wealthy ppl .

But it requires a lot of work n is beneficial moreso than lying scamming n ruining lives for a living

Inequity, inequality in all it’s ugly faces.

O.K. I seriously feel like I'm about to lose it right now if I don't let off a freight train's worth of steam. I really miss my manager at work. He's been out of work for the past few months after pulling something in his neck. He and I were really close. I always felt like I could talk with him about whatever might've been on my mind at the time. Part of that has to do with the fact that both of us are on the spectrum so he understands my mental processing because his is so similar. Before he had to take time off, he was eager to have me moved up to being one of the department heads before 2018 was up. Months later, he's still out of work, I'm no closer to progressing in the workforce, and now it looks like he might have to go in for surgery. I brought up with some of my co-workers that I wished he was back to which one co-worker said, "No. Don't say that." Well what does she want me to do? Does she want me to say that I hope he dies during surgery? She want me to lie about how I truly feel? But trust me we'll get more into her later. Just last Wednesday, I found out from my therapist, who runs a day program that I've gone to for several years now, that the day program itself is going to be closing down forever come March 15th. Me nor any of my friends who go there were at all happy with that news and all I can think about is how it's going to be even harder now to hang out with them without the day program there. Some of them, like my honorary aunt, I'd be lucky if I could see them one day out of the week. Back to my co-worker, she's one of 2 co-workers that I take issue with. Both of them are female and both of them are Hispanic. Anyhoo, it came up in conversation that one co-worker, a close friend of mine who I've secretly harbored feelings for, is pregnant. I wasn't originally aware of this, but the Hispanic female co-worker said that "everybody knew about it". Well thanks for making me feel like a f*****g ret*d, b***h! And that was all before she started slut shaming my friend behind her back. Fast forward to today, I was stuck on cash register far longer than I should've been. I was on a backup register and I had already put my sign up that I was closed, ringing out my final customer before I was supposed to go back to helping unpack the product in the warehouse (if I had my way, I'd do nothing but that for my entire Monday shift). The woman who was primary cashier chose just as I was finishing up with my customer to ask me to stay on register, her primary register, while she runs to use the bathroom. So I go on her register for a bit and she comes back, after I've already begun ringing up a customer who was buying over $200 worth of clearance items. There's a very huge difference between buying $200 worth of normal product and $200 worth of clearance product, namely that it takes forever just to go through ringing it all up and we don't even have scanners that work for that. Everything has to be typed in manually. Then, after I was finally done with her, the primary cashier lady wanted me to get back on my register to cut down the line that had formed while I was ringing up the clearance chick. It all just felt so manipulative to me, being used in such a manner as that. And, then to top it all off, I find out from my friend (who I don't believe knows that I know she's pregnant and I've been trying to keep it discreet) that she's being forced by her jerkass boyfriend to choose either to move to Vermont (a "f**k no" situation as far as she's concerned as she has negelctful/antagonistic family up there) or Florida with him or else he's going to break up with her. Not to mention that he has the BULL TESTICLES to say this after he's already knocked her up and the fact that none of them have any money even saved up for something like that. She's too good for him and deserves better. Meanwhile, I want to be that one to give her better than what she's undergone as of late, but I don't even have a car or driver's license so how would I even be able to help her out? That and the fact that I'm scared of losing her after I've already lost my manager for the past few months he's been out of work. It honest to God feels like I'm in the Twilight Zone right now and I just don't know what to do or even think anymore. I'm going out to see a movie tomorrow night. Hopefully that'll help take my mind off of stuff. God I feel like I need an increase on my meds.

~500,000 hours of consciousness in a human lifespan and the insistence to not f--k it up.

Was listening to Something in the way the other day and was overcome by frisson starting from my scalp all the way down my body in waves of pleasure the moment I thought about plunging a knife in myself. Pretty sure that is neither healthy or normal.

I have experienced that (blackicmenace) not the song part but that feeling
Many times i just have learned to channel it into trying to diffuse that into eating or wriing on this forum et

I think it’s just when I need an outlet n everything is too lonely overwhelming or wrong on some level
N i cant organize it in my mind

n i need someone to help me n guide me but i dont know how to get that help so all of that gets channeled to that feeling

There are other reasons but that is an example sometimes there is no reason


I hope it doesn’t continue fr ubut if it does u cd take a warm bath or run ur hands in warm running water under the faucet
Those two things help

... Really, really sick of being 'inconsistent'..
Why can't I not just stay in one type of pace instead of being bothered with time limited competence and sudden competence???

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I wish I was not annoying

^ You're not annoying to us, Blooie.