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Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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kraftiekortie
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27 Feb 2018, 12:34 am

Doesn’t seeing Merlin and Arthur play give you incentive to push on in life?



dragonsanddemons
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27 Feb 2018, 12:41 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
Doesn’t seeing Merlin and Arthur play give you incentive to push on in life?


Unfortunately, no. They'd still get to play even if I wasn't around, just like they did while I was in the hospital. I wish finding something to live for was as easy as that, but unfortunately, it's really hard to convince the depressed part of my brain right now :( I still would feel too guilty to actually kill myself, though, for the pain it would cause those who care about me (even if that pain is only temporary). I just continue hoping to die from natural causes - or at least, something that wasn't my own deliberate action :cry:


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27 Feb 2018, 2:41 am

I've been in a "too weird to live, too rare to die" kind of place myself lately. I think curiosity is key, it helps me brace myself for further nonsense while simultaneously staying in touch with current events & sooner or later there's a good laugh or nine thanks to the total absurdity of the world we inhabit.


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kraftiekortie
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27 Feb 2018, 5:58 am

I meant....just watching them play.

I know I’m a man of relatively few words.....but I would say if people tell you you’re not a burden, you should believe them.



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27 Feb 2018, 9:06 am

kraftiekortie wrote:
I meant....just watching them play.

I know I’m a man of relatively few words.....but I would say if people tell you you’re not a burden, you should believe them.


It does make me happy to see them both having fun, but it doesn't give me any vivaciousness or anything. It's extremely difficult to restore a will to live that hasn't been there for a decade or so.

I guess if I'm bringing others any sort of happiness, that's something - I just have a hard time believing that I do bring people enough happiness to be worth the cost of providing for me. Again, it's really hard to get out of a mindset I've been in for so long.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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27 Feb 2018, 4:50 pm

I did not know that you got a new cat. Do you know what breed of cat Arthur is? Do you know how old he is?



Right now, I just had another thought, but it may have already been suggested to you before, so if that is the case, then I apologise. Have you ever considered writing in a journal or a diary? It may be helpful for you to write down how you are feeling, and what you did during the day. I have a journal that I sometimes write in, so I thought you may be interested too.



I am very sorry that your hospital stay did not make you feel any better, but I hope the programmes that you are attending will eventually help. I suppose they just take time to start helping.



I know how you are feeling because the last few days have been very hard for me, so I am also feeling really down. It still makes me better knowing that I am helping you even a little bit. I will still be here for you.



Big hugs.



dragonsanddemons
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27 Feb 2018, 8:26 pm

300series wrote:
I did not know that you got a new cat. Do you know what breed of cat Arthur is? Do you know how old he is?



Right now, I just had another thought, but it may have already been suggested to you before, so if that is the case, then I apologise. Have you ever considered writing in a journal or a diary? It may be helpful for you to write down how you are feeling, and what you did during the day. I have a journal that I sometimes write in, so I thought you may be interested too.



I am very sorry that your hospital stay did not make you feel any better, but I hope the programmes that you are attending will eventually help. I suppose they just take time to start helping.



I know how you are feeling because the last few days have been very hard for me, so I am also feeling really down. It still makes me better knowing that I am helping you even a little bit. I will still be here for you.



Big hugs.


We got Arthur from a shelter, we don't know what breed he is. He's about a year old.

I used to journal a good bit before I started actively posting on WP - now I mostly get stuff out here. But when I did, it was just writing whatever was on my mind. It may be helpful for me to record how I'm feeling and what I did each day, too - then I might be able to make a connection as to what helps or worsens the depression that I might not have caught otherwise. Thank you for the suggestion, I'll try to start doing that.

Big dragon hugs :heart: I'm sorry you've had a rough few days and are feeling down, too. It makes me happy, though, knowing that I can help you feel a little better, too.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


kraftiekortie
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27 Feb 2018, 8:30 pm

You have lots of compassion. And I'm sure your Dragon Hugs are really strong yet tender



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28 Feb 2018, 1:42 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
I did not know that you got a new cat. Do you know what breed of cat Arthur is? Do you know how old he is?



Right now, I just had another thought, but it may have already been suggested to you before, so if that is the case, then I apologise. Have you ever considered writing in a journal or a diary? It may be helpful for you to write down how you are feeling, and what you did during the day. I have a journal that I sometimes write in, so I thought you may be interested too.



I am very sorry that your hospital stay did not make you feel any better, but I hope the programmes that you are attending will eventually help. I suppose they just take time to start helping.



I know how you are feeling because the last few days have been very hard for me, so I am also feeling really down. It still makes me better knowing that I am helping you even a little bit. I will still be here for you.



Big hugs.


We got Arthur from a shelter, we don't know what breed he is. He's about a year old.

I used to journal a good bit before I started actively posting on WP - now I mostly get stuff out here. But when I did, it was just writing whatever was on my mind. It may be helpful for me to record how I'm feeling and what I did each day, too - then I might be able to make a connection as to what helps or worsens the depression that I might not have caught otherwise. Thank you for the suggestion, I'll try to start doing that.

Big dragon hugs :heart: I'm sorry you've had a rough few days and are feeling down, too. It makes me happy, though, knowing that I can help you feel a little better, too.





I hope you enjoy Arthur, and I hope that he brings you some kind of pleasure in your life.



I am happy that I could help you with the journal suggestion. It has helped me when I was hurting badly, and I still like to go back & read what I wrote in my journal. I also compare my previous compositions with how I am feeling now. Writing in a journal is also a good way to preserve good memories, thinking that maybe they will comfort me during dark days.



Thank you again for the big dragon hugs, they really help a lot. Long story short, five days ago, on Friday, 23 February, 2018, something bad happened between me & a friend of mine, which made me cry; I have been feeling really sad & depressed about it since then. I have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours, and I am going to talk about it with him.



Speaking of therapists, have you been able to see your new therapist, and are they any better than the last doctor who was not any good? Are your new medications working at all?



300 big dragon hugs back.



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07 Mar 2018, 4:16 pm

300series wrote:
dragonsanddemons wrote:
300series wrote:
I did not know that you got a new cat. Do you know what breed of cat Arthur is? Do you know how old he is?



Right now, I just had another thought, but it may have already been suggested to you before, so if that is the case, then I apologise. Have you ever considered writing in a journal or a diary? It may be helpful for you to write down how you are feeling, and what you did during the day. I have a journal that I sometimes write in, so I thought you may be interested too.



I am very sorry that your hospital stay did not make you feel any better, but I hope the programmes that you are attending will eventually help. I suppose they just take time to start helping.



I know how you are feeling because the last few days have been very hard for me, so I am also feeling really down. It still makes me better knowing that I am helping you even a little bit. I will still be here for you.



Big hugs.


We got Arthur from a shelter, we don't know what breed he is. He's about a year old.

I used to journal a good bit before I started actively posting on WP - now I mostly get stuff out here. But when I did, it was just writing whatever was on my mind. It may be helpful for me to record how I'm feeling and what I did each day, too - then I might be able to make a connection as to what helps or worsens the depression that I might not have caught otherwise. Thank you for the suggestion, I'll try to start doing that.

Big dragon hugs :heart: I'm sorry you've had a rough few days and are feeling down, too. It makes me happy, though, knowing that I can help you feel a little better, too.





I hope you enjoy Arthur, and I hope that he brings you some kind of pleasure in your life.



I am happy that I could help you with the journal suggestion. It has helped me when I was hurting badly, and I still like to go back & read what I wrote in my journal. I also compare my previous compositions with how I am feeling now. Writing in a journal is also a good way to preserve good memories, thinking that maybe they will comfort me during dark days.



Thank you again for the big dragon hugs, they really help a lot. Long story short, five days ago, on Friday, 23 February, 2018, something bad happened between me & a friend of mine, which made me cry; I have been feeling really sad & depressed about it since then. I have an appointment with my therapist in a few hours, and I am going to talk about it with him.



Speaking of therapists, have you been able to see your new therapist, and are they any better than the last doctor who was not any good? Are your new medications working at all?



300 big dragon hugs back.


Sorry for the late reply, I forgot that I hadn't replied yet. I do love Arthur, and it does help cheer me up a little sometimes to watch him play or if I'm lucky enough to get a cuddle with him (he's not usually very cuddly, though he's accepting of scritches).

I haven't seen my new psychiatrist again because I'm still working with one at the hospital. I probably won't see her again until I'm done with my stuff there. I see my therapist again tomorrow - I'm going to try sticking with him because I think he'll work with me if I explain things.

I'm on a new medication now - I think it's called Effexor - that seems to be helping a bit with the depression and helps significantly with my social anxiety, which is a huge help. I'm also working on getting off of the Sertraline because the psychiatrist at the hospital thought I might be getting too much serotonin from that and the Trazodone together, but I have to decrease the dosage gradually rather than stopping it right away. I'm not sure if that might also be part of what's helping a bit with the decreased energy and motivation, which haven't been quite as much of a problem the past few days. My mind also feels a bit clearer. I still have the nagging thought that everyone would be better off without me, though :(

How did the visit with your therapist go? Are you feeling any better? I'm so sorry about what happened - can the friendship be salvaged?

Big dragon hugs for you.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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07 Mar 2018, 4:50 pm

It is good to hear from you again, and thank you again for the big dragon hugs. I have been thinking about you & wondering how you have been doing.



I am sorry that Arthur is not being very nice to you, but I am glad that you love him.



Do you have to go back to the hospital to see your psychiatrist? I hope that your current therapist does a better job working with you on making you feel better, and that you can see your new psychiatrist soon. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow; I hope it is helpful for you.



I have never taken Sertraline, so I do not know anything about it. My late mother used to take Effexor, which seemed to help her with her depression; I hope that it works for you. Two other antidepressant medications she used to take were called Prozac & a medication which is now off the market called Serzone. She would have her good days & her bad days, but she would usually be happy whenever I was with her. She used to take a lot of pills, and it took her a long time to find out which pills worked right for her. I took Trazodone a few years ago, but it did not really help me very much, so I stopped taking it.



I hope you can get rid of the nagging though about society being better off without you. Is there any strategy you use to improve your thoughts at all?



I am feeling a little bit better about my friend. I saw my therapist last Wednesday & told him the whole story about what happened with my friend. He told me that I really need to let her go & move on. I finally heard back from my friend this weekend because she had some questions to ask me. I could not answer them because they were complicated legal questions about "power of attorney", so I needed my Dad's help with them; my Dad is a lawyer. Yesterday was my 33rd birthday, and she sent me a text message wishing me a happy birthday. I invited her to dinner with me & my Dad, and it was at her favourite restaurant, but she declined, so who knows? Maybe our friendship is salvaged, but I do not know what will happen next. I do not have very many friends, and it is extremely difficult for me to make friends.



Thank you again for the big dragon hugs & your words of encouragement. I am still here for you.



300 big dragon hugs back.



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07 Mar 2018, 5:10 pm

300series wrote:
It is good to hear from you again, and thank you again for the big dragon hugs. I have been thinking about you & wondering how you have been doing.



I am sorry that Arthur is not being very nice to you, but I am glad that you love him.



Do you have to go back to the hospital to see your psychiatrist? I hope that your current therapist does a better job working with you on making you feel better, and that you can see your new psychiatrist soon. Good luck with your appointment tomorrow; I hope it is helpful for you.



I have never taken Sertraline, so I do not know anything about it. My late mother used to take Effexor, which seemed to help her with her depression; I hope that it works for you. Two other antidepressant medications she used to take were called Prozac & a medication which is now off the market called Serzone. She would have her good days & her bad days, but she would usually be happy whenever I was with her. She used to take a lot of pills, and it took her a long time to find out which pills worked right for her. I took Trazodone a few years ago, but it did not really help me very much, so I stopped taking it.



I hope you can get rid of the nagging though about society being better off without you. Is there any strategy you use to improve your thoughts at all?



I am feeling a little bit better about my friend. I saw my therapist last Wednesday & told him the whole story about what happened with my friend. He told me that I really need to let her go & move on. I finally heard back from my friend this weekend because she had some questions to ask me. I could not answer them because they were complicated legal questions about "power of attorney", so I needed my Dad's help with them; my Dad is a lawyer. Yesterday was my 33rd birthday, and she sent me a text message wishing me a happy birthday. I invited her to dinner with me & my Dad, and it was at her favourite restaurant, but she declined, so who knows? Maybe our friendship is salvaged, but I do not know what will happen next. I do not have very many friends, and it is extremely difficult for me to make friends.



Thank you again for the big dragon hugs & your words of encouragement. I am still here for you.



300 big dragon hugs back.


Arthur's plenty nice, I think he just doesn't usually like to stay still long enough for a good cuddle. He's a very curious, playful, and energetic cat.

I go to the hospital for group therapy every day, and I'll sometimes see the psychiatrist while I'm there. I'm going to discuss the idea that people would be better off without me with my therapist tomorrow, I really need some help addressing that, since I think it even when I'm feeling comparatively good. We've been learning some things about how to combat negative thoughts and stuff in the group therapy I've been doing, but it doesn't help with this particular one.

The combination of decreased Sertraline and added Effexor does seem to be helping a bit. Even though I've still got a good bit of depression, I think it's improving my overall quality of life.

I don't really know what to say about your friend. Sometimes it is best to let a friendship go, and I don't know enough about the situation to know whether that's the case here or not. I'm sorry, it sounds like a tough situation :( I hope that whatever happens, it works out for the best. I'll still be your friend :)


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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08 Mar 2018, 1:15 pm

I am glad that Arthur is being nice, but it is strange that he does not like to cuddle with you. By the way, how is Merlin doing? You have not mentioned him for a while. Do the 2 of them like each other?



Is the group therapy helping or the psychiatrist helping you at all? Are you getting along with the other patients in the group? I think it would be a good idea to discuss your negative thoughts & feelings about people being better off without you. Hopefully, the group will help you with something relevant to you.



I am happy that your medications are having a more positive effect, despite the fact that your depression is still really bad. Just give it time to start working; I am confident that it will work eventually.



Thank you for the help about me & my friend. Maybe I will just let her go; thinking about her is bringing me down. Just like me, she is also diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, and she also has problems with controlling her anger. A few months ago, she asked me if I will always be her friend, and I said yes, but I guess things have changed.



Thank you for still being my friend. I still like trying to help you & give you advice.



300 big hugs.



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10 Mar 2018, 3:29 pm

300series wrote:
I am glad that Arthur is being nice, but it is strange that he does not like to cuddle with you. By the way, how is Merlin doing? You have not mentioned him for a while. Do the 2 of them like each other?



Is the group therapy helping or the psychiatrist helping you at all? Are you getting along with the other patients in the group? I think it would be a good idea to discuss your negative thoughts & feelings about people being better off without you. Hopefully, the group will help you with something relevant to you.



I am happy that your medications are having a more positive effect, despite the fact that your depression is still really bad. Just give it time to start working; I am confident that it will work eventually.



Thank you for the help about me & my friend. Maybe I will just let her go; thinking about her is bringing me down. Just like me, she is also diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, and she also has problems with controlling her anger. A few months ago, she asked me if I will always be her friend, and I said yes, but I guess things have changed.



Thank you for still being my friend. I still like trying to help you & give you advice.



300 big hugs.


Merlin's doing just fine. He and Arthur seem to really enjoy playing with each other, although we do have to make sure they aren't getting too rough with each other.

I think the group therapy is helping a bit. I still feel like an outsider in the group, but meh, I'm pretty used to that. I've mentioned my thoughts about people being better off without me, and no one's said anything about it. That kind of makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously, but oh well - it's group therapy, so if I'm the only one who has that issue, it makes sense that it would just be glossed over when I bring it up. That's what I have individual therapy for. When I saw my therapist on Thursday, though, it was really just catching up, since I hadn't seen him since I was inpatient at the hospital - we didn't really have time to discuss that.

Yep, I know medications like that often take some time to really start working. Since it's been making me appear less depressed, I'm hopeful that eventually it will help me actually not be as depressed.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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11 Mar 2018, 9:24 pm

I am glad that Arthur & Merlin like to play with each other; I never knew that cats & dogs played together. I just thought they were enemies. I just got a cat 3 days ago, so I have a lot to learn about them.



I hope that the group therapy will eventually get better & actually help you. Once the doctor & the other patients get to know you better, it may be a better experience for you. I completely understand what you mean about being an outsider in the group because I have never really fit in well in any group I have participated in. Most of the time, I am too shy to talk or participate, so I am just there for no reason at all. Is it also difficult for you to talk in groups? I have also been in situations where I have tried to discuss a serious problem I am having while in a group, but no one listens or takes me seriously; it is very frustrating.



I am happy that you caught up with your therapist, and that he can do a better job helping you.



The fact that your medications are making you appear less depressed is a good sign, so maybe it means that they are starting to work for you. Just keep up with them, and you will find out for sure if they work right.



I am still here for you. Big hugs.



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11 Mar 2018, 10:22 pm

300series wrote:
I am glad that Arthur & Merlin like to play with each other; I never knew that cats & dogs played together. I just thought they were enemies. I just got a cat 3 days ago, so I have a lot to learn about them.



I hope that the group therapy will eventually get better & actually help you. Once the doctor & the other patients get to know you better, it may be a better experience for you. I completely understand what you mean about being an outsider in the group because I have never really fit in well in any group I have participated in. Most of the time, I am too shy to talk or participate, so I am just there for no reason at all. Is it also difficult for you to talk in groups? I have also been in situations where I have tried to discuss a serious problem I am having while in a group, but no one listens or takes me seriously; it is very frustrating.



I am happy that you caught up with your therapist, and that he can do a better job helping you.



The fact that your medications are making you appear less depressed is a good sign, so maybe it means that they are starting to work for you. Just keep up with them, and you will find out for sure if they work right.



I am still here for you. Big hugs.


It depends on the cat and the dog, really. Our elderly cat KC (who died last May) tolerated Merlin, and he learned pretty quickly that she didn't want to play with him. On occasion they'd curl up near each other. Fortunately Arthur and Merlin seem to get along well. It probably helps that Arthur likes to roughhouse, like Merlin wants to do.

It does tend to be difficult for me to speak up in groups, although it's been getting a little easier with all the experience I've had over the past month or so, and the Effexor also seems to be helping with my social anxiety, which makes it easier. But I still will sometimes just not be able to work up the courage to say anything in group. But at least I still learn things even if all I do is listen.

Yep, I'm hopeful that the effect will sink in and help me actually feel better sooner or later. I wonder if appearing less depressed but not feeling it has anything to do with the emotional numbness I've been experiencing - like maybe I'll feel the effects more if I can get my emotions turned back on, so to speak.

Sorry if any of this doesn't make sense, I'm having trouble with words right now.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"