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I seriously hate being sick.

I don't know if I like my mother because she doesn't understand my scientific theory about light/love/life and even thogh she says she will follow my medical advance directive and protect my rights, she thought that what Stan did to me-- treating me like I wasn't as conscious as I was once when I was sick-- was something he shouldn't be blamed for.

I just sent this letter to Stan. Read my thread "Another incident involving my boyfriend" and yo'll understand.

Okay, I just sent Stan this:

Stan said this to me in response: "see, i don't remember that, so i can't really tell you. it must not
have struck me as important enough to remember, or i just have a
selective memory sometimes. 'you might be dead' sounds like the same
thing as 'you don't know how bad off you were', so i don't think it's
fair to be upset about both as separate things. we've covered this
already, haven't we? i thought it was done and behind us."


I said this to him in response and will add that "yes, I would have waited until it was really bad and was puking up blood and read to pass out, but I would have called 9-1-1 in time before anything worse happened to me and they would have gotten there before I DIED or something."

This is what I sent him in response:

" I would have called 9-1-1 in panic when it got noticeably bad, if I had been alone. And there wold have been no wait in the waiting room, they would have taken me right away. So don't think I needed you, [Stan]. Just don't think I f*****g need you."

Stan says: "why all nasty? i'm sure you could have gotten to the hospital and
gotten yourself taken care of. when did i ever say anything about you
not being able to? geez, 'don't think i f*****g need you'? what
crawled up your butt?

and i asked the nurse at the hospital if we would have had less of a
wait if we had come in an ambulance, she said no, it would be the
same."


So I told him I was sorry and that I had assumed he thought I couldn't do it based on his comment that I might be dead if he wasn't so practical. And that it meant a lot to me that he said I could have done it myself.

I had complex problems with Stan and didn't even know how to explain them to Stan, let alone to others. But I explained the faults Stan had to him and he admitted he did those things wrong and apologized for them. However, at first he refused to talk to me about them, because I had thought I head no more things to bring up with him and so I had promised him that I wouldn't bring up any more, but then I had remembered more and had to bring it up with him and he was upset that I brought up more of his faults when I had said before that I had already brought up all the faults he had that bothered me and that I wouldn't do it anymore. So he refused to talk to me about these new things I brought up, and I found someone else who was better than Stan in all the ways that mattered to me, and we talked about being together. But I still love Stan and he's better looking (though that shouldn't matter) and of course I love my son Lars. If I moved in with the other guy, Allen (who was an old friend) I would still be able to see my son every day since Allen lives in Houston too.





Lars is fine; he plays with toys and laughs a lot now. He sleeps through the night. He prefers human contact than just playing alone with his toys, which is understandable. He only poops twice a day now (though he still goes through a lot of diapers) and he eats more formula too.



I don't know what to do!





Right now I'm visiting my parents in Vancouver. When I talk to Lars on the phone he makes noises and tries to talk back to me unless he's tired. He missed me when I left, he cried a little more the day after that than usual. I apologized to him but he probably didn't understand me, not knowing any English.





I was planning on going to Prince Edward Island with my mother and Stan and Lars going up there to live with me but now I don't know if I want to stay with Stan. I already told Allen, the other guy, that I love him. I felt so bad when I told Stan it was too late and Stan said he didn't think it was too late. Anyway, I'll be getting Welfare, $600 a month, and disability about 3 months later, $912 a month, while I'm up in Canada. So I don't know what I'm going to do about Allen; Allen can't come up here because he wants to stay with his mother who has medical problems and gets no moral support from his siblings (and his father, like Stan's father, is dead). His mother has too much stuff to move up here, probably. And she would have to go through the long legal process of becoming legal here. Otherwise Allen could have lived up here illegally because my disability check could have supported us both and he could have found an under-the-table job.



I would have gotten $350 a month for Lars, my and Stan's dependent, if Stan had come up to PEI with Lars to be with me. But I don't know if that will work out. I already told Allen I would be with him. I love them both equally, even though Allen is better so I should love him more. And Stan could have lived on part of my disability check. I would have had enough to support him.





But I don't know what will happen to me. I just don't know.





The mental health system here is putting me in an "adult day program" at the hospital, where you learn how to manage depression and communicate and look inside yourself and have better sensory awareness and exercise and stuff like that. I think it will be fun. It will be something to talk to Allen and Stan about, even though it hurts that I can't be with them. And it hurts that I can't choose one of them over the other even though I have to, so maybe going to this group therapy thing at the hospital will make me forget about it and have fun but maybe I won';t be able to concentrate on it because I'll be so worried about Stan and Allen.

wow!!

cool rant.

Pool Allen and Stan.

You're stuck between two men who love you.


What will you do?

LOL. Thanks for the heads up about how I left Stan's real name in there once... I actually did it twice.

Why is it:

-80% or so people get divorced. Even if I exaggerated it, it's still a ridiculous number.
-People are still stupid enough to get married?

Makes no sense to me.

My mother thinks my son Lars will suffer if I leave my boyfriend "Stan". That's the main reason she doesn't want me to leave Stan. I didn't suffer with my parents separated. I would have wanted my parents to get boyfriends and girlfriends and marry again, so that I'd have more interesting people in my life. But my mother thought it would hurt me, so she never had a boyfriend.

Another thing about Stan is that Stan cares more about my physical health than about my mental health. He didn't understand that so as not to fall into a black hole in my head and not come out and become catatonic, I NEEDED to go to the mall that day even though I knew I threw up whenever we drove anywhere. I'll tell him that too.

I jsut sent this to Stan, with an apology for not knowing before:


"Now I think that the reason you were upset with me for not knowing how bad off I had been, after I got back from the hospital, was that if I had known I would have been so relieved to still be alive and therefore still with you after what happened that I would be hanging out with you and cuddling with you and otherwise been paying attention to you. But I hadn't known, therefore I wasn't giving you the attention you needed, therefore you were upset at me."


EDIT: he says it wasn't that but won't tell me what it was!


So I said:
"Was the reason you said "I don't think you knew how bad off you were" and sounded angry and close to tears because I didn't know I was puking up pieces of my stomach and I dumped my barf with the bits of my stomach in it out into the flower bed instead of saving it to show them, and that that could have resulted in the death of me and our baby? Is that it?"

Why, after I got home from the hospital after puking my guts out literally, Stan sat there sombre and depressed and sad and then out of the blue said "I don't think you knew how bad off you were." It was OVER NOW! Why couldn't he get over it? Was he mentally ill and having flashbacks and forgetting it was over? And why was he upset at me when he said it? Was he upset at me for not knowing how bad off I was when it was happening, or for not appreciating it afterwards and having flashbacks like he was having? Why would he want me to be upset about it afterwards? To be able to identify with him and say I had the flashbacks too?


Edit: I sent him this: "Why not reply directly to the question I had instead of just saying "Why are you treating me like this?", etc. If you're going to reply, you might as well answer my question."


EDIT: He doesn't remember being upset that day we got back from the hospital. He says I'm making it up. He doesn't remember.


ANOTHER EDIT: I just told him: "I should have asked you my question without saying "Was it this?" and then writing my speculation as to what it was. But I just wanted to make sure it wasn't because you wanted me to be upset about the hyperemesis incident after it was over."


He actually said before that he didn't remember being upset at me the day we got home from the hospital, and when I suggested reasons as to why he might have been upset, since he didn't remember it and I was hoping I could guess why he had been upset and make him remember and apologize for it, he said I was making stuff up about him and then said again that he didn't remember. Which is fine, but I was only trying to help him remember.


I'll have to explain that to him.

I just sent Stan this: "Just because something is over does not mean it is resolved. There should therefore be no statute of limitations on how long ago something you bring up should be. Peace is not leaving things alone to fester inside you and getting on with your life like nothing ever happened. Peace can only come from actually talking about it and solving it/working it out."


Then I sent him: "Problems in your head do catch up with you if you don't deal with them. So I tried to deal with my problems with you by working it out with you."


Now I sent him: "You'll just argue that I should have let it go. And now I'll have to argue back that you can't always let it go, that part of my soul is stuck under it, stuck caring about it because having someone not want me to be upset means a lot to me and then that happened: you seemingly wanting me to be upset about an incident. And in order to destroy the festering THING I'm trapped under, the thing that is you wanting me to be upset about an incident, I need you to tell me that you did not do that (get upset at me for not getting upset about the incident), and prove it."

Stan might say "I didn't get upset at you for not getting upset about the incident." Well, it's either that or one of the other possibilities I mentioned that he said was not true. And I'll tell Stan that too.