Rants

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The worst things that happened to a person may not be something they can actually talk or even write about.
To approach alluding yo it is progress in itself.
Thinking about an aunt who lost her son who she anf her husband (my mom's brother.. For some reason my compassion on this mainly extends to her and I cannot imagine from his side maybe due to gender)
Had taken care of for twenty something years
This son of theirs. Which involves many things that only can be imagined by those who havent seen it.


After he had a really bad reaction to a vaccine and paralyzed and regressed for life-- he lost ability to walk or talk or eat by himself erc overnight at age 3 or 4. My mom was living witg them at the time..

Recently she alluded to it in writing to me. That shows me she is approaching healing.

But she is at peace so maybe shr already had


Now what happened to me.. One thing among some..a storm of things.. That i cant explain in words (except to XH)

That i could not talk about fr years..

Out of necessity.. Only to 1 person..and a doctor. But barely..


He never helped or did a thing though it was within his power to help at the crucial time. She dismissed it and gaslighted me.. Her assistant was the person (cause of the trauma).

Why wdnt she? funny enough the one time XH saw this doctor (much before ) he had said to me solidly and quietly 'she is a witch.' I told him he was assuming etc n he said no. He was very staunch.

When he says things like this about ppl he has always been right (makes guesses). He has some psychic gift for sure.

I wont describe other instances to prove it as this isnt the point of the post. I still didnt believe him but after this happened i told him (years later) that it migjt be true.


But these things can contribute (dependimg on a cluster of things happening) to a broken mind (i believe)
Have now spoken about it to 3 other ppl and written about it 1ce but barely... Barely .. Just alluded ..

Impacts me daily and has taken so much from me. It is not something that can be fixed. My sons nurse told me something similar had happened to her too (forget how i confided to her) and someone helped her after 5 years...


Its been 8 years fr me.. I havent found any help..
Covid19 lockdown happened when i finally got brave enough n had scheduled an appointment seeking potential partial help..

A woman ruined another woman for life inentionally. And nobody knows except XH who tried to tell himself it was fine (as he recently told me after i btought it up in response to a question of his that he thoyght was unrelated)

And truly the suicide attempts only occured after never before. Now its just prayers.

I dunno if I should put it on 'Today I learned...' or what made me happy or what, but I'd rather think I'd just put it here instead.
Partially because I'd giving another hint sorts to share, and partially because I damn myself for not finding it sooner.

So I had issues with securing my privacy at home. I want my thoughts, my desires hidden.
Thing is, as much as I tried to express these through other means, I still feel rather unease because of knowing someone's going to invade it.

And thus, any attempt of journalling didn't helped me. Because I cannot trust to be honest with it.

So for years and years I tried finding ciphers that can both exclusive and something I can handle.
And now I found that.

So... Since then, then as in less than a day now, it is when I notice the real effects of the security and true to be honest without a hint of worry that someone's gonna barge and invade my privacy with journalling.


So... I just spent nearly 20 years -- yes, since I was 5 -- to find a true to honest refuge.
Locked notebooks, locked boxes, various ciphers, docs with passwords, tried-so-hard hidden places...
It's nothing compared to true certainty.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

A vegan friend asked me what I had eaten yesterday and I told her I had eaten a delicious steak.
She replied: murderer! and was not joking. I stated that I always assumed that vegetarians were gentle tolerant people, when did they get to be so frigging judgemental?

I mean murderer???
I told her that fruit and vegetables feel pain also, go starve. Who knows, they might .

^ ^I usually say that at least I kill my food before I eat it. Just picture the poor infant bean sprouts being crushed alive between your teeth. Even the carrots in your frig are alive. Chomp, chomp, chomp.


No offense to any vegetarians meant. I haven't used that in decades. But your rant, Teach, reminded me.

And I care desperately about plants.

I'm calmer now but people need to realise that saying 'it's like you have a lot of time on your hands' is a way that NTs speak in order to dismiss someone's opinion.

Yes I do.

I'm on ESA.

Doesn't make my viewpoints any less valid.

If they want autistic people to follow rules when they matter, eg mask rules etc, despite our physical discomfort at that - they should make it so we're not expected to put up with pain where it doesn't matter. Dim the lights in shopping centres for eg, and make streets quieter at night.

Deep down, all humans piss me off except mum.

Even my cat sometimes pisses me off. For eg she farted and now this room stinks of cat farts. But that's like mum sometimes does. It's not a deep down thing.

I honestly hate humans & dogs. I wish it was just me, mum and a bunch of cats who kept having cute kittens.