31 Mar 2021, 7:46 am
I've ranted a lot the past few days, probably in places I shouldn't have. Not here, at least, but maybe it's the best place right now.
I'm still coming to terms with being diagnosed and if i'm being honest, i don't know why it's affecting me so extremely. I have gone through a lot of changes in the past few years, including those directly influencing my sense of identity. Speaking from that standpoint, it makes very little sense why being told I have high functioning autism is hitting me so hard.
I usually don't feel much or very strongly but when I do, it explodes. It gushes and doesn't stop, and it can rapidly swing from burning anger to despairing sadness. There really is no in between, it's all on or all off. I feel like a child in that hyperemotional state, completely out of control.
That's been me the last 2-3 days, when the diagnosis kicked in and something clicked. I've been angry, despairingly sad, angry and sad again. I thought about suicide for the first time in years.
To be fair, it wasn't being diagnosed that made me think about suicide, or at least not only. It's the prevalent sense of utter loneliness.
Being on my own usually doesn't bother me too much though don't like being lonely and am acutely aware of when I'm lacking connections.
I have people who love me, I know this rationally, but I can't feel it inside. And when I reach out to them for emotional support, I either get told I need to deal with it myself or given advice when all I want and need is validation of feelings. Maybe a hug.
I'm under no illusion that the intensity of my feelings, when they happen, are a problem I need to solve. Emotional regulation seems to be a common issue with people on the spectrum so at least I know where this comes from now. I don't want to scare off the people I do manage to get close to.
But I was talking about feeling lonely. I got a cat a year ago to feel less alone and it has helped a little. But I have very few irl contacts whom I can rely on when it feels like the world is crashing down and I need a stable base to stand on. Or maybe I should correct that I have no one at all. Most of my friends are online, some of which I met overseas first, some I met on the internet. They've all become much better for emotional support than anyone I know irl, and most times, that's enough. It isn't today. I just really need someone to hug me right now and tell me I'm okay to feel angry, sad and in pain.
I've learned to pick myself up. I know I can do it, i don't need someone to do it for me. But I do need a safe place to just be held and soothed when I'm right in the middle of an emotional storm, just until it passes. I know I'm strong enough to weather it myself but I wish I didn't always have to.
I meant to rant here about something that made me angry but I'm too exhausted right now. Will probably get there another day. All I've got in that regard is that double standards suck. And users suck, especially when they don't know they're using you and get upset when you express your boundaries.
31 Mar 2021, 8:01 am
31 Mar 2021, 8:17 am
31 Mar 2021, 10:00 am
31 Mar 2021, 10:32 am
01 Apr 2021, 1:32 am
Good question! Empathy means kind, caring and understanding.
Oh, right, well I'm generally a kind, caring and understanding person, and when someone is telling me their feelings I am a good listener, so I think I have empathy--
*Spits out drink* No, J! That is compassion, J! You have compassion.
Oh, right I see. Well, I usually like to comfort somebody if they're crying.
That, my friend, is sympathy, J. If you don't cry when someone else is crying, then you lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling.
Oh, I thought empathy meant kind, caring and understanding.
It does, J. *Sips drink*
I've been bullied a lot by neurotypicals, because they don't understand my autism, so they must lack empathy--
*Spits out drink* No, J! It means they DO have empathy. They do understand how you're feeling but they just choose to not understand.
So if I just chose to not understand how it feels to be someone else, I would still have empathy.
*Spits out drink* Wrong, J! You must always understand other people, whether you want to or not. That's empathy.
Well, not everyone can understand everyone's problems all the time.
No, no, J, empathy is understanding everybody's situations at any given time, no matter what the situation is.
But how can one choose to not understand? You either understand or you don't.
Because some people are jerks, J.
Jerks with empathy?
Yes, J. But don't you ever be a jerk, because you would be lacking empathy. It's unkind to be a jerk. You should know that more than anyone, because you're autistic. You can't expect neurotypicals to understand that.
So, if empathy means kind, then jerks can't have empathy, because they're not being kind.
J, J, J! Empathy doesn't mean kind. You can be very kind but not have empathy. Empathy is recognising and understanding other people's mental states.
But neurotypicals can't seem to recognise or understand my mental state--
*Spits out drink* J! You can't expect other people to read your mind! They're not you. Only you know your own mind.
Oh...but I'm supposed to read their minds?
That's right, J.
So it seems to me that the definition of empathy varies depending on who you're talking about?
Now you're getting it, J. A neurotypical lacking emotional understanding is human nature. An autistic lacking emotional understanding is selfism. Ha. *Sips drink*
But autistics seem to understand each other.
That's right, because autistics can only feel empathy for those who have experienced the same as them, J. *Sips drink*
But then the same goes for neurotypicals, as they don't understand me.
Neurotypicals usually only feel empathy for those who have experienced the same as them. It does not mean they lack empathy.
But you just said autistics are the ones who can only have empathy for those with the same experience.
No, J. You just didn't read between the lines. If you had empathy, you'd understand that I'm trying to say that the majority of people lack empathy for those who haven't experienced the same.
So if an autistic lacks empathy for a neurotypical, the autistic is lacking empathy.
That's right, J. *Sips drink*
And if a neurotypical lacks empathy for an autistic, the neurotypical is lacking empathy.
*Spits out drink and chokes* No, J! The neurotypical still has empathy.
Oh, I see. But I usually can feel empathy for neurotypicals a lot of the time.
J! We've been through this! You are experiencing compassion and sympathy, not empathy.
Oh. Right.
I'm glad you understand now. But you being a kind, thoughtful and understanding person with a good listening ear and an understanding of other people, go and educate yourself on empathy to build up your empathy skills, or lack thereof. But don't expect people to understand you, otherwise you'll be a narcissist.
So I must understand neurotypicals, but they don't have to understand me.
Yes, J! It will be too much for them to understand you. It will make them feel tired, and you must respect that. Have a nice day, J.
Best empathy explanation ever.
Cognitive empathy isn't the same as affective empathy. Some bullies lack both, yet some are very good at cognitive and use it to do harm, seek attention and popularity for social climbing and shame others, yet they very much can feel shame especially in a group.
Yesterday there was a big roach on a bench in the middle of a crowd of ladies. She looked horrible but she was probably looked up to by the others and they were silent as she spoke maliciously about me, grandma and mom. Now usually when grandma and mom speak like that about people who can hear them i shame them. Eventually mom acted like she recognized other people can actually hear her and no longer as outwardly does it. Maybe she perfected her public mask, but it's a good choice of change.
Im gonna have to teach grandma cause shaming her and saying I'm not going to go out with her if she keeps talking like that about others isn't enough to explain it.
So what I like to call them, low functioning bully and high functioning bully depending on cognitive empathy. Although it is a myth that all bullies do it because they lack empathy, it's more so choosing not to be empathetic and getting away without feeling bad about it. Another myth is that their self esteem is low when it's high and they are overwhelmingly narcissistic in some cases.
I should have started a new thread with that, it's hilarious and a good way to sarcastically express how empathy gets defined.
01 Apr 2021, 2:16 am
01 Apr 2021, 4:07 am
^^ Reminds me of history.
The hilarious patterns of humans do to each other, for the last thousands of years.
Regardless.
I'm still sore.
Going on and off somewhere, and it's annoying. 
And can't my mom just... Bring her own keys?! Unless one wants an unlocked door with all it's residents asleep.
I would sleep and or wait downstairs all night -- just to open the door.
It was really a bad time since I cannot simply stay up late for being recently vaccinated.
Except, uhh, this house 'owns' dogs. Dogs that my sister and I never wanted, never want anything to do with.
Dogs that would constantly pounce and I may risk hitting it for simply touching me.
Dogs that I may end up yelling over and disturb the neighbors in their sleep.
No possible solutions. Not without hurting someone's feelings.
Rexi
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01 Apr 2021, 2:25 pm
Good question! Empathy means kind, caring and understanding.
Oh, right, well I'm generally a kind, caring and understanding person, and when someone is telling me their feelings I am a good listener, so I think I have empathy--
*Spits out drink* No, J! That is compassion, J! You have compassion.
Oh, right I see. Well, I usually like to comfort somebody if they're crying.
That, my friend, is sympathy, J. If you don't cry when someone else is crying, then you lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel what someone else is feeling.
Oh, I thought empathy meant kind, caring and understanding.
It does, J. *Sips drink*
I've been bullied a lot by neurotypicals, because they don't understand my autism, so they must lack empathy--
*Spits out drink* No, J! It means they DO have empathy. They do understand how you're feeling but they just choose to not understand.
So if I just chose to not understand how it feels to be someone else, I would still have empathy.
*Spits out drink* Wrong, J! You must always understand other people, whether you want to or not. That's empathy.
Well, not everyone can understand everyone's problems all the time.
No, no, J, empathy is understanding everybody's situations at any given time, no matter what the situation is.
But how can one choose to not understand? You either understand or you don't.
Because some people are jerks, J.
Jerks with empathy?
Yes, J. But don't you ever be a jerk, because you would be lacking empathy. It's unkind to be a jerk. You should know that more than anyone, because you're autistic. You can't expect neurotypicals to understand that.
So, if empathy means kind, then jerks can't have empathy, because they're not being kind.
J, J, J! Empathy doesn't mean kind. You can be very kind but not have empathy. Empathy is recognising and understanding other people's mental states.
But neurotypicals can't seem to recognise or understand my mental state--
*Spits out drink* J! You can't expect other people to read your mind! They're not you. Only you know your own mind.
Oh...but I'm supposed to read their minds?
That's right, J.
So it seems to me that the definition of empathy varies depending on who you're talking about?
Now you're getting it, J. A neurotypical lacking emotional understanding is human nature. An autistic lacking emotional understanding is selfism. Ha. *Sips drink*
But autistics seem to understand each other.
That's right, because autistics can only feel empathy for those who have experienced the same as them, J. *Sips drink*
But then the same goes for neurotypicals, as they don't understand me.
Neurotypicals usually only feel empathy for those who have experienced the same as them. It does not mean they lack empathy.
But you just said autistics are the ones who can only have empathy for those with the same experience.
No, J. You just didn't read between the lines. If you had empathy, you'd understand that I'm trying to say that the majority of people lack empathy for those who haven't experienced the same.
So if an autistic lacks empathy for a neurotypical, the autistic is lacking empathy.
That's right, J. *Sips drink*
And if a neurotypical lacks empathy for an autistic, the neurotypical is lacking empathy.
*Spits out drink and chokes* No, J! The neurotypical still has empathy.
Oh, I see. But I usually can feel empathy for neurotypicals a lot of the time.
J! We've been through this! You are experiencing compassion and sympathy, not empathy.
Oh. Right.
I'm glad you understand now. But you being a kind, thoughtful and understanding person with a good listening ear and an understanding of other people, go and educate yourself on empathy to build up your empathy skills, or lack thereof. But don't expect people to understand you, otherwise you'll be a narcissist.
So I must understand neurotypicals, but they don't have to understand me.
Yes, J! It will be too much for them to understand you. It will make them feel tired, and you must respect that. Have a nice day, J.
Best empathy explanation ever.
Cognitive empathy isn't the same as affective empathy. Some bullies lack both, yet some are very good at cognitive and use it to do harm, seek attention and popularity for social climbing and shame others, yet they very much can feel shame especially in a group.
Yesterday there was a big roach on a bench in the middle of a crowd of ladies. She looked horrible but she was probably looked up to by the others and they were silent as she spoke maliciously about me, grandma and mom. Now usually when grandma and mom speak like that about people who can hear them i shame them. Eventually mom acted like she recognized other people can actually hear her and no longer as outwardly does it. Maybe she perfected her public mask, but it's a good choice of change.
Im gonna have to teach grandma cause shaming her and saying I'm not going to go out with her if she keeps talking like that about others isn't enough to explain it.
So what I like to call them, low functioning bully and high functioning bully depending on cognitive empathy. Although it is a myth that all bullies do it because they lack empathy, it's more so choosing not to be empathetic and getting away without feeling bad about it. Another myth is that their self esteem is low when it's high and they are overwhelmingly narcissistic in some cases.
I should have started a new thread with that, it's hilarious and a good way to sarcastically express how empathy gets defined.
It's a great topic, hehe.
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01 Apr 2021, 6:17 pm
02 Apr 2021, 7:21 pm
auntblabby
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02 Apr 2021, 7:26 pm
04 Apr 2021, 4:34 pm
05 Apr 2021, 3:01 pm
An Aspie's perspective of NTs:
They are the most caring, kind, thoughtful and understanding creatures on the planet. They have magic powers to understand everybody and don't need to be taught it. There is no drama among these fragile, sensitive creatures because they hate hurting anyone's feelings and they are open-minded to people who have different opinions or think differently.
Some Aspie's and some NT's perspective of Aspies:
Extremely selfish and insensitive to everyone. They don't understand anyone else and they don't give a s**t about anyone. If they upset someone, they feel no feelings of guilt, shame or remorse. They are wrapped up in their own small minds and don't have any emotional connection to other people. If they do learn empathy, it is fake and they don't really care.
f*****g fed up with having a disorder that involves THIS misconception.
07 Apr 2021, 6:09 pm
07 Apr 2021, 7:46 pm
