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What people really mean when they say "stop moaning" to you:-

"I don't understand how you're feeling because I'm not feeling the same way"

"I don't want to argue"

"Don't express your feelings"

"I can't/won't feel sympathy for you"

"I can't think of a response"

"I don't care how you're feeling"

"Shut up"


So just got to keep all my feelings in. When people say "oh stop moaning" it really triggers a meltdown.

I chose to leave the drive-in during the second movie, because it was starting to make me feel upset. This movie was about a young pit bull who got adopted by a young man after her mother was taken away by animal control. She was eventually taken away herself, even though she was only chasing a squirrel. There were quite a few unlikeable characters, including a property owner (who hates pets), two hateful cops, and (surprise, surprise) animal control.

I felt like I f***ed up just by not seeing the rest of the film, because last year, I was able to see the double feature without a problem. The last time that happened, I made my mom and brother miss the rest of "Animal" because I wanted to sleep in silence. So my problem was a valid one, even though my mom forgave me.

I'm going to bed now, I just want it to end now.

People worried about catching COVID: The people who can't cope emotionally with all the restrictions are the snowflakes!

People that can't cope with the COVID restrictions: The people who are worried about catching COVID are the snowflakes!

Anyone who gets off on animals, real or imagined, would do well to toss themselves off of a rooftop.

I'm so mad at myself. All I want to do is charge my phone, but it wouldn't charge at all. I bought more of the chargers on Amazon, but now I felt the $8 that I spent is wasted because my mom offered to buy one for me as well. I am pissed because A) all my important stuff is on my phone, B) I have important meetings and appointments within the next few days that require a phone, and C) I never once asked my mom to buy a new charger for me.

My phone is off now in hopes of saving electricity on it, but the damage is done; I wish everything I need in my life is either free or cheap, because money is an important thing I care about, and I hate to drive my family to homelessness because I wanted to buy something that I need.

I hate people. Nobody personally, just the human race in general. Always catching and passing viruses on. Why can't people wash their hands properly more often, wear a face covering and try not to stand too close to other people? Every time there's a social gathering there's always someone with the virus without knowing that has to spread it. I've been a key worker throughout this whole pandemic and I'm 99% sure I did not catch COVID throughout that time because I followed the correct procedures and each time me or my boyfriend got tested we got tested negative, or each time people at work got tested they were negative as well. Only one person caught COVID, but nobody else at work did because we were all tested negative after she'd been tested positive. So it is preventable if you are careful and mindful about it. I'm not saying 100% preventable but it can be more preventable than what people are making it.

For young people of today, here's a little description about what life was like pre-2000.

We had these buildings, and inside these buildings were what we called shops or stores. You actually had to leave your house to go into them, and everything you wanted was displayed there in front of you so you can choose wisely what you wanted. If you couldn't find what you were looking for you could ask the shop assistant or clerk to help you, and he or she was a human, using something very useful called social interaction.
Then when you paid you used these bits of paper and metal called money that you exchanged. It wasn't hard.

Also, kids would play together, in places like woods and parks. They were happy and carefree. None of this health and safety crap, because no parents intended on suing companies. Falling over and hurting yourself was just part of childhood.

And there was this thing called common sense and not taking offense to everything. TV was full of good shows that were un-PC but everybody enjoyed and nobody gave a s**t if a joke was made about a black person or if a female was always in the kitchen or if people said gender-based words. People just got on with life instead of getting all Karen over nothing.

Also parents actually brought up their children by teaching them that bad behaviour leads to consequences and the children never got traumatized. They were taught respect and discipline. If a child was misbehaving in public they'd get a smack on the bottom, not enough to cause the child pain but enough to teach them to understand that their behaviour was bad. Yes, adults took charge, not the children. And if teenagers weren't home by a certain time on a school night they'd get a clout.

Oh, and computers were an extremely expensive luxury item, good for sending an email and playing a game or two. People used a little thing between their ears called brains, rather than relying on computers to do all the thinking for them. People were independent and did everything manually. People didn't have time to go Karen on the world, to be melodramatic about commonly spoken words that have been in the English language for hundreds of years.

Yep, those were the good old days. The media was right about the millennium bug. The world really did change after the year 2000.

"Home"

I never called it 'home' even if all the people I do love and/or had loved are here, all the people who love and accepts me are all here.

Show Spoiler

Had I chose to be someone to rely on during quarantine... IF I choose to be the one who does things on a regular...

... At this very home. With the very same people who did nothing but invade and be nosy.
The same people who do not listen to me about how I want this house or my space...


I'd be driven insane...

Where I'd keep fixing and cleaning up while they make more mess.
I refuse. I don't want to be their damn parents. I am not their damn parent.

No one in this house ever inspired me to do order. Ever. It's just pointless around them.

If it were up to me, it's either getting my own space exclusively for me, or kick them out.
But that's not how it works.

Unless I'm a complete bastard who do not care except for whatever order I may impose.
Or some intolerant brat who cannot take change.


... I've been holding on the idea of order for years.

I'm rather torn...
Between two acts of adaptation; everyone's order that is chaos, or my order against theirs'.


But I'm already tired before all this.
Too tired to wage a war. Too tired to do it.

I already gave up before my adulthood in this regard because these people who I call my family never listened.


If it were do it my way, I'd already violated their space.
I'd already burned every mess they made, made them put back whatever so-called luxuries back from wherever they brought it because they neglected any form of long term investment.


But I don't wanna hurt them.
And it's been 10+ years. This house had done nothing but 'wait' -- that's their idea, not mine!! !

.. Nor I have any damn right nor enough merit because I'm not a breadwinner, nor someone with a serious responsibility.

This house is getting nowhere.
Even as frontliners... Everyone in this house is just going to rot in waiting.

It's my parent's fault.
But it's too late. So, sooo late.

Kinda why I wanna leave them.
But I cannot because of this damn sentiment.

And why I hate it when people worry over me -- it's one of the reasons why I'd feel guilty over and why I cannot act upon the idea of walking away.
And I hate, hate guilt.

Also I can't because I couldn't. I wish I don't have this issue that disabled me. They thought it's just autism.
Nor anyone could do anything about it. They just can't. Unless if I were an opportunist... I'm not. I'm too guilty for that. I hate it.

I wish I were so guilt-less and act like a damn brat -- maybe they'd listen.
Maybe they'll help me, call all those favors and fix me. But I couldn't... Because of guilt.


I'm aware of this stupid loop.
The only way I could get out is to be callous enough to demand entitlement that is 'help'.
I'm aware of the 'belief' and 'excuses'... "Swallow my pride and beg" or something to that effect.

And what? Give my family debt? Have a richer relative to hold it against us? NO!...

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I'm part of a Facebook group that appreciates the app Paint by Numbers. A new woman in the group won't stop spamming me with comments about how great my pictures were. I understand that you're new, lady, but I have other things in my life to do;I don't always have time for FB. I just want to work on my other hobbies. I will respond to you later, right now I need to study Japanese.

Dude, I get you are fond of me, but please stop asking me to be your girlfriend. I was in a bad marriage, plus, long distance relationships seldom work out anyway. So for the love of Ceiling Cat, please let me be!

So guess what? My ex wants to get back together with me. My mom told me he called her a couple months ago, and he was recently disowned by his parents and in a mental hospital at the time. And he wants to get back together!?

OVER MY DEAD BODY!!

Look, you assaulted me and sent me to a hospital, and refused to do anything about your own mental health, so now you're paying the price. My brother wants to beat you up, and as wrong as this is, I don't blame him. I have bigger problems in my life, but I refuse to tell you because that's my business. If you think of calling or even coming to my house, I will have you arrested for stalking and trespassing, and I will file a restraining order. I'm not kidding!

I have come so far since the divorce, and I am not throwing it away. I have developed new interests and hobbies, and I intend to keep them. I also have a strong support system. Now leave me and my happiness alone, thank you very much.

I woke up today with six messages on my phone from people who all want me to do something for them today. It's only three people, but it's still three too many for my antisocial needing to hide today for my sanity, self. (this is where I drop my head into my hands and yell like a crazy person). In the last three weeks two people I know (one my daughter, the other someone I look in on regularly) have been admitted to the hospital. Daughter left against doctors wishes and even though she's supposed to be on bedrest, she's been doing things like going camping and passing out in a bathroom while there. Her car's been broken and since she's not supposed to drive, I've been helping deal with the car and the dealership shop who can't seem to fix the stupid thing for almost three weeks now. In the meantime, I get to drive her around...and tell her no, I can't paint your house and rearrange your living room today...because she's bored at home and wants to redo her house. But today I might need to take her back to the ER, so instead of errands with her, I might be sitting in the hospital before visiting someone else in the hospital...at least I can stay in one place awhile? Urg. Anyway, I am still dealing with the other person who is still in the hospital, trying to help him out because on top of being admitted from the doc appointment we had last week, he just got an evection notice and since he has mobility issues, I guess it's me who will be moving him and cleaning his apartment.

I was supposed to be hiding this week in the woods. Looks like that may or may not happen in august now and I don't think I have it in me to hold out much longer. I'm about to lose my s*** here. I'm overwhelmed, my house is a wreck, I haven't been walking my dog like I should and I feel like an a**for that. Further, I feel like an a** because the people who need me right now are much worse off than I am and I am very aware that I suck as a human being because I can't just do things normal people can do without turning into a wreck. My self care routine has vanished...as it does when shtf, when I need self care the most I can't seem to do it because yeah, I suck like that. Ugh.

On top of it all, my damn phone is dying, won't charge 90% of the time, and when it does charge, the charge drops over 20% just because I check a few messages. I really don't want to add go to the phone store and spend money I don't have on a new phone to my never ending list of crap I have to do in a day right now. And my internet is being stupid again, so I get booted from it every ten to twenty minutes. Not a huge deal, but I do like to decompress in the evenings by doing stupid puzzle things and now when I try I just get pissed off. Fml.

This sucks. I want to be able to help these people. I know they need it right now. But I know how I am, and my ability to manage multiple things at once is... I'm just not wired that way. I'm not good at it. That's part of what's wrong me. I suck at multitasking. I fall apart when there's a lot going on. When my life is going okay it's because I have managed to clear my schedule and focus on myself, my house, my dog, my life. I am not good at dealing with other people and their stuff. The people who know me are great. They tend to be generally understanding of this, of how I am. But right now? F***.

I just need to hang on and pull through, remember this is temporary, everything is temporary. In the meantime...I need to figure out something for self care before I go into full blown shut down mode. This sucks.

Otay. Whine time over. Now let's see if I'm still connected to the internet and can post this and maybe if I'm lucky, I can read some stuff here as well. Fingers crossed.

Meet WitchsCat, dumbass extraordinaire!

She believes in false rumors, falls for scams, says stupid s**t all the time, panics for no reason whatsoever, assumes that anyone with a girly avatar is a female, plays s**tty video games while not caring why it was bad, watches box office bombs and failed sitcoms, draws like Chris Chan, and everything else that is considered dumb.

She is the worst disaster since the Hindenburg explosion, oh the humanity (or should I say "huge manatee"), and she even makes Beavis and Butthead look like physicists.

So come one, come all to meet this skank with the IQ of only one. Tickets to see her only cost $5, and is only around for the weekend, so hurry up right now, so you can insult her and harm her as you wish. Get your f***ing tickets today!

I don't have those 'racing thoughts'. I don't have this sense of 'worry' or any 'panic' or feeling any sensation on my stomach and I don't have any 'nightmares'.

This is even my reaction to stress...


It doesn't change the fact I'm physically stressed, frustrated and very annoyed because it's heavy, exhausting and it hurt.
And it's more annoying when people mistook it for anxiety.

At least anxiety made more sense.
But not... "This". Might as well just hormonal nuisance.

My heartbeat is slower, my blood pressure is either usually low or changes too quicky as I move. Somewhere at the back of my mind, I'm trying harder to be otherwise.
My back is constantly discomforting.
My mind and thoughts is alright except this discrepancy with constant sense of irritability.
Everything feels heavy.

Funny I don't have this intolerance of intensity with anything external except with PEOPLE WHO JUST DON'T SHUT UP.


Again.
NO ONE IS LISTENING.


I'd rather punch at something, but it's past midnight and everyone's asleep.

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