Rants

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The damage has been done too much to me, I can't stand them anymore. Australian women s*** me, and I was born of an Australian woman, isn't that f**ked up!?

I can't make myself like Australian women. To me, the majority of them are vulgar and stupid. They are vile in my eyes; I cannot understand why I feel this way. Still, as much as I wish to connect with someone, I despise the very ones who would be most likely, other Australians. I instinctively hate them, the shadow in me screaming, "They will destroy you! Retaliate or run!" Yet I am born of one. WHY DO I HATE THEM?!

I can't understand the core reason for my hatred.

Of my own kind.

WHY?

I visited my mom this weekend. She doesn't understand AS or even wants to. Next spring I am putting my home for sale and trying to look for a place out in the country with little or no neighbors. She basically said that I'm wasting my time and my house won't sell and I will never find a place like I want. I love her, but...

A reorganization in the place I work has lead them to change managers...
I can't stand it! I don't want a new manager.... why can't everything stay in place???
Today was the "get to know us" day.... I didnt know how to answer when this person said 'I'm excited to work with you!'....am I supposed to feel the same way? what if I dont want to? ... of course i only smiled and said 'yay me too' im a LIAR! I want MY manager back!

I wish it could be different....

Ranting a piece topic

I just checked an old thread and one of my posts was there but my avatar was not. Strange.

No longer strange, so I will post in the Rave thread.

I hate myself! I f***ing hate myself right now!

First my subconscious tormented me with like the most f***ed up dream in quite a time. I dreamt in third person and that most retardedly acting person... acting like drunk and high and deadly tired simultaneously was in that dream associated with me.

Hey, I am trying to build up self esteem, idiotic subconscious! I hate to think of this horrible waste of time which is sleep!

Also finals start on the day after tomorrow. I was/am paralyzed and unable to revise in any serious manner. Still everyone around me was/is sure that I will ace them just because it is me. No! I probably won't horribly f**l them, but I expect serious trouble. ESPECIALLY since everyone seems to expect great deeds from me, including my parents. Now disappointing anyone else can happen, but my parents, who spent many €s on my education, I can't disappoint them (again).

I might squeak through in OSes, but Software?! no f***ing way when J*** is a key part. C, I know, C++, I can get through, J***?! Hideous and crappy all in one handy package!

i am locked in indecision.

when it is cold, i use my air conditioner to heat my bedroom before i go to bed.it is very pleasant to walk into a warmed room to go to sleep in when you have come from the cold.

when it is hot, i use my air conditioner to cool my bedroom so it is heaven to enter and lie down in after being in the heat.

but at the moment the temperature is neither hot nor cold.

the temperature of the air is about 23C and requires no cooling or heating.

what shall i do?

i hate being caught in situations of mediocrity.

I don't want ads to show up when I go to this site because they're annoying.

Two words: exams SUCK!

Bloody psychiatry. It groups endless symptoms into endless sydromes and disorders, and yet they don't know the cause of these symptoms. They just drug you up with horrendously toxic SSRI's or MAOI's, and send you on your way. Psuedo-science

Wow, don't you love how you can sometimes hear people talking and bitching about you so loud and clear that you can hear it behind closed doors? Normally this kind of thing was limited to peers and coworkers but now it's in my own family.

I guess it's a Korean thing but my mom has a very loud and uncontrollable voice diction so everytime she's on the phone I can hear her every word from down the hall. She's been complaining twice to my sister today about how I have no work or money despite that I'm going to vocational school. Still complaining about how I should work because everyone has to. I hear this stuff all the time but god I'm really super depressed now after hearing this conversation for the second time today!

It's pointless now to fight her over why it is I am unemployable or why I'm incapable of holding down a job for more than a few months. I'm tired of them screaming at me that I'm using my ASD as an excuse despite the fact that all the unhealthly symptoms of it have been infront of their faces for the last 25 years. Just pointless now.

Thanks for reminding me how much my life sucks, mom. Now I'm too somber to concentrate on anything even with your loudmouth b*tchy self now at work.

Oh, the frustration ...

Why do people ignore me? Why do they look at me and treat me like I'm a dunce? If you simply do what I ask of you when I ask it, there wouldn't be all of this last minute running around.

I realize I cry because I'm frustrated, not because I'm hurt. School ... I've cried every day for the past week now. (College freshman--I don't know how I'm going to handle it.)

Also, I have to deal with my idiot of a financial adviser. He is so stupid. I'm rehearsing what I want to talk to him about and guessing his questions and rehearsing those answers. God, I hate being an adult. But even when I was a child, I still had to act like an adult.

I want a cookie. Or a really chocolaty cupcake with rich mocha frosting.

I'll make cupcakes tomorrow and let you know.

Ah, I've been thinking about what adds suckage to life; reflection.

I've always wandered why I'm so happy in my dreams compared to in reality. I would say my dreams are always pleasant; they're not. I've seen family members die in vivid detail in my dreams, and it's as harrowing, albeit less permanent than real life. It's that at no point is the past permanent and significant, and there is no reflection whatsoever. I never think about anything, I just do, and feel, and in essence, live. Damn reflectance

I'm pissed of about a lot of things. One of them is that I feel like an idiot and my future's gone to hell and I am so painfully aware of AS and I'm the only one who can help myself because no one else here [IRL] knows about it and so I have to be considerate to myself when no one else is because they don't know. F.

The new neighbors across the back alley.........

The new neighbor's damn dog across the back alley barking at night is getting really annoying...along with their whiny little girl who constantly whines when daddy cant cater to her right away or give her what she wants right away.Before those neighbors moved in, things were pretty quiet...now the peace has gone to hell in a handbasket.They didnt squish down their cardboard boxes from moving, so the garbage man didnt take em, so the boxes are still sittin by the fence and if it gets windy, they will all blow onto everyone else's properties..and guess who's gonna be cleanin it.Their kids were throwing sticks and rocks around...they almost hit my vehicle a few times. ..dont need my insurance rates goin up cuz of em.

I never had problems with my other neighbors.The ones next to us who lived here a long time have a little 8 year old boy...and he has been very well behaved...Hes a good kid and never whines.Ive never had problems with neighbors EVER...not even back home in Vegreville at my family's place.

My heart is so broken. I can actually feel it throbbing against the inside of my chest, bashing around trying to get out and break free, whenever I hear him speak.

Or smell a similar smell

It's just SO painful.

I wish I couldn't love.