Any reason at all?

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Yes, that's generally what I meant, a well placed fib. For example, some places make a big deal out of "gaps" on a person's resume or periods of not working, so okay, I want something brief and understandable. Esp. brief. I tend to over-explain at times.

This is a situation in which it might be good to play the Asperger's-Autism Spectrum card. And for the time being, maybe a social service agency could go to bat for you and do much of the leg work involved in getting a job. Later on, I hope we'll also have self-advocacy groups, and it could be your choice, whoever you've heard is likely to do a better job for you.

And later on, dare to dream, I hope we have business centers that provide some of the seed money for entrepreneurial endeavors, fully knowing that eight out of ten new businesses fail, and then, often the business will be happy to hire a person on the spectrum because the owner of the business is on the spectrum himself or herself! How's that.

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The low status "easy" jobs are often the hardest jobs. For example, probably the worse job I ever had was checking groceries at Kroger. Because the so-called managers were absentee and allowed all kinds of bullying at the front.

One of the better jobs was H&R Block. Pay what used to be $100 to take the tax course or study on your own and pass their test. Hired late December or early January. And the job only lasts six weeks. And that's the thing. This is a job more for work experience rather than making sustained money. But they really do need people for those six weeks. And please try and make an effort to inform your clients of the negatives of the bank products. For example, perhaps use a pen to underline something on the contract without saying a word as if you are required to do by the company (esp. the part about third-party bank collection of "previous debt") . Just by doing that, you will be doing your customers a favor and be better than the average tax preparer. 1 year out of 4, I got fired for proactively calling clients not approved for the loan instead of waiting for them to storm the store, the person pretended like it was for something else (three years at Block, one year at somewhere else). Well, I'll take favorable odds of 3 out of 4. Anyway, it is work experience, but don't expect more than six weeks.

In fact, it was kind of fun being pro-client and anti-corporate. One year, with respect, the manager said I was kind of an advocate for the underdog. I just tried to be matter-of-fact about it.

And please do consider the better, "harder" jobs. In almost every meaningful dimension, these are the easier, more do-able, more potential postive fun and interest jobs.

I'm trying not to but it's certainly easier said than done.

it certainly is. But nothing which is easy in life is ever really good. Sure, making a microwave pizza is easier than making dough, making sauce, making mozzarella cheese, growing basil.. waiting, waiting waiting.. but in the end.. the pizza which took time and effort is delicious.. and that microwave pizza pretty much tastes like the box it came in..

Well I hardly expect things to be easy, I just don't see why everything has to be so difficult....I mean usually when people put effort into life or anything they get something out of it even if its as simple as enjoying whatever it is. like making the pizza sure it's hard but once it's done it tastes good and it was worth it. But if you put all that effort into it just to burn it that would be more like what my life feels like.

Yup. Allow me to explain. Most recently I wasted nearly 6 years of my life waiting for my job to turn into the career I was promised.. only to have it yanked out from under me. Now I'm trying to start over, but it's hard to have wasted 5.5 years, in that entire time I only had 4 weekends off. I couldn't go out and stay out late at night cause I might get called in the next morning. I couldn't go out of town, I had basically no social life at all for that entire time. Sure I had a little bit of money.. but it was barely enough to keep me going. I thought what I was doing was making that pizza.. in the end what happened was, some one else came along and cranked the heat in the oven and burnt it.

but the thing is.. theres nothing you can do about other people.. you just have to do the best that you can.

So now I'm starting over again.. It may work out, it may not, but that loops back to what I said before.. I feel that my fate is determined, everything I do, for good or ill, is part of that. If my fate is to wind up lonely and depressed.. then thats just how it is.. if it's not.. it's not.. but I've not gotten to it yet.. and I don't think jumping off the ride before it gets to the end.. when you don't know what the end is..

Well I see your point, I just sometimes don't know how much more I can take......I mean I would like very much to see what happens in my life but sometimes the pain it causes just feels far to overwhelming.

Have you read Dune?



They have a "humanity test" which is carried out with a box that produces pain by "nerve induction", causing intense and severe pain without leaving any physical damage. Only a human is considered to be able to possess the self-discipline to withstand this pain and resist the urge to take their hand out of the box. In other words an animal reacts to pain and pulls its hand away, a human endures the pain.

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

Well I've spent the majority of my life thus far enduring the freaking pain......and if anything it's only gotten worse over the years. I mean one can only endure so much. I am not really afraid, I just am having a hard time seeing any point........and I guess that realization is a bit disturbing to me and causes me to be a bit afraid of what I might do with these feelings. But its not fear holding me back in life......just the feeling of how pointless it all is.

Yep.

But ya know, if you ever need to talk about it.. I'm more than happy to. If nothing else we can talk about Black Sabbath and Dio.

I have also had experience with things feeling pointless.

Now, I do think there can be upward spiral. Sometimes just by luck, without overplanning or it being just one more task, something good can drop into a person's lap. And that might make for one half upward spiral, and that can carry you for a while. And a period of time later, there can be another upward spiral, maybe three quarters that time.

Sweetleaf, you help keep it real and you contribute to our group here.

Uhh well I don't feel too horrible at the moment, more numb than anything so that's a good thing but......it just seems like no matter how I slice it I just keep coming to the same conclusions. I mean I don't have the skills necessary to survive or make it anywhere in this society so why bother? I just can't get it out of my mind and it literally makes it almost impossible for me to ever enjoy myself even for a short time. I would not wish this sort of thing on anyone.

Plenty of people have no skills, and society isn't forgiving.. But society isn't a monolith either.. the trick is to find your niche..

I don't even know where I would begin to find such a thing or how I would have the means to even go about it....there's just no place for me in this world.

I usually feel the same way, but I don't think that last sentence is necessarily true. I mean, it's still possible to compartmentalize your life. What you do for a living doesn't have to be the thing that defines who you are. If you can make room for hobbies and things outside of work life can be more rewarding. I mean, there are a lot of people who had to do sh***y day jobs for food and shelter but wound up famous for what they did in their free time. You like music so maybe you could try to learn an instrument. The thing is you have to try things to find what you really like. It's rough right now if it feels like your too anxious and depressed to enjoy anything. Maybe that won't be quite so bad though once you're in a position where you feel a little more financially secure. If you could get SSI that would probably help a lot.

Well I am not doing anything for a living to begin with........as it stands now I am going to hope I get a part time job and can keep up with the work load without getting fired for being to slow and not seeming totally normal like usual. On the bright side that means I still have some free time as part time wont take up all my time but if I feel like crap what good does that do me?

But yeah I am unsure about being able to handle part time work.....let alone full time, which I don't think is a possibility right now at all. Also I might really like music but I suck at playing it, no matter how cool I think my bass guitar is or how cool I think it would be to get good at it....I know it's not going to happen. I guess there is just nothing I really like enough for that to be what keeps me going and gives me something to build a desire to live a better life or whatever due to being so depressed and screwed up by the PTSD. But yeah thing is there is no garantee I will ever be in that sort of position, I mean I already owe back more in loans then I could probably hope to make in 5 years not to mention before I even think about paying that back I need to figure out what I'm going to live on and mentally I just cannot handle it all.........but have no choice at all. I can't even get SSI unless I get a part time job and can save up to freaking pay a damn psychiatrist to talk to me for whatever ridiculous fee they charge since it's all about money.

and there's supposed to be some place I fit in this world? Not to mention I am still paranoid that if I got on SSI it would give people too much power over my life. I don't want to run into 'take this harmful medication, or your benefits are getting cut.' so that makes me even less motivated to try and get on it.