My Husband has a Secret Relationship w/Someone

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Therapists who are not hip to autism issues can be guilty of some pretty bad things toward a patient/client with autism or aspergers. For instance:
- thinking you are "resistive" or relying on "defense mechanisms"
- not liking you very much, but not understanding that this response is related to your autism (and their NT expectations)
- denying things you feel and experience, because you don't fit the standard (NT) mold of experience
- letting you be vulnerable but then not supporting you when you are

I'm going to tell you what you need to do, and you probably aren't going to do it, but I forgive you in advance. What you need to do, even though it's hard, is tell the therapist that you don't feel he's the right one for you, and you'd like his help to locate a therapist who can provide supporting counseling and who has experience with adult autism.

This allows the two of you to have a little closure, it possibly also educates him a bit, and honestly, people in the mental health field all know each other and he can make inquiries probably better than you can, about who would be good. It is also an opportunity to clearly state your needs, which you obviously could use some practice doing.

Your fall-back position is to run, and find another therapist on your own. Please don't either continue seeing him even though he treats you badly; or stop seeing him but give up on finding a better counselor. It seems to me you could really use some support about now. You will survive. I have heard it said that getting over a divorce takes about two years; or one, if you get therapy. Which do you prefer?

I have another appointment with him Thursday and will tell him I don't think he's the right counselor for me. I'll ask for a referral but I have also left messages for a couple of PhD's who do work with adults on the spectrum. Fortunately the counselor I'm leaving is in the same building as a family lawyer who is giving me a free consultation.

Now for the bad news. If hubby files for divorce I lose insurance coverage the day he files. If he files for legal separation I may or may not get to stay on his plan. So I am getting as much therapy as I can in the meanwhile.

My emotions change from one hour to the next, it's hard to get a moments clarity. I wish I could get a solid 8 hours of sleep. Waking up at 4AM every night with endless worries bouncing around my cranium, it's gotten old.

You might see if your husband would be willing to have a separation just for the insurance. I did that with my ex and got five years of insurance coverage out of it.

I know this is a very hard time. It's no surprise that you have a roller coaster of emotion and swirling thoughts. No surprise at all. But it sounds like you are doing the best you can, so give yourself some appreciation. Hugs.

I'm happy to hear this

As for the insurance, depending on your circumstances you may qualify for Medicaid.

I'm trying but he's not listening to me. He changes his mind from day to day. He thinks everything will be so easy and quick. He must assume the worst of it will be finding himself a place to rent. He's a manager and he likes taking the guys out for lunch, hitting Starbucks with his exercise buddies. Hitting the McDonald's or mini-mart for lunch or breakfast. There will be none of that for a year, minimum. No grand weekend adventures he hopes to do. No movies or dinner dates.

I also have to wonder if he wants the divorce so he feels no guilt about dating. I should just tell him if he wants to date, he doesn't need my permission. Like myself he has to have these things said out loud.

I'm sorry I added to your anxieties, but the truth is that things ARE going to be pretty crap for you for a while. It's going to be difficult to find your way through. But at the same time, I'm sure you WILL find your way through it all. You will probably need some help along the way, and that's OK. It may take a while to find the help you need, but that is pretty normal unfortunately. It might take a long time, and that's OK too.

One thing I've learned at psychotherapy is how rigid my imagination is. I'll get in my head a way things are "supposed" to be or whatever. I'll go after that, and I can't think of any other possibilities. When people suggest that there actually are other possibilities, it comes as a surprise to me and it I don't usually believe them. It took a long time, and a lot of input from professionals, before I both believed I could live on my own and was able to make steps towards that.

It turns out, that now things have settled down a bit - I'm back at work and have a small place to call my own - that I actually enjoy living on my own. I like not having to consider anyone else (except for my cat). I like that I can talk to myself, stim without feeling weird about it, set my own routines, eat odd food, change my mind about things, spend all day in bed etc. And if I'm totally honest - and a bit intimate - I enjoy that I don't feel guilty for not having sex with my husband (I am asexual and would have occasional sex because he enjoyed it and I wanted to make him happy, but I never enjoyed it), or pressured because I know he wants to. Don't get me wrong - I loved being with my husband, I loved spending time with him and, given the choice, I would still be with him (though I wouldn't go back to him now). When I'm with my support worker and I express sadness at the end of my relationship, she often tells me that I'll find another relationship. This week I told her to stop saying that because I don't want another relationship and I'm doing OK on my own (albeit with lots of support). I honestly don't think I can see myself with anyone ever again. There is a freedom to being on your own, and it actually makes me feel relaxed sometimes (something I haven't really felt before, ever).

I'm rambling. Sorry. I guess I'm just thinking about you and I'm a bit concerned that you wrote:


I get that you need to seek help while you still have insurance (I am in the UK, so this wasn't an issue - looooooooooong waiting lists were though!). But I'm not sure you should be focusing on addressing the issues that you brought into the relationship so that that you don't repeat them. It seems pretty clear that your husband does not want to try to mend this relationship. So, if you can, I'd suggest seeking a counsellor/therapist who will help you come to terms with the loss of the marriage and help you find confidence in your abilities. It might be that your husband changes his mind. If he does, you can deal with at the time. You'll be that bit more confident in stating your needs in the relationship, and if he isn't interested in that so be it.

BTW, even though it's been three years and my husband is living with girlfriend (who is actually really nice but don't tell anyone I said that!) we are not divorced. I'm leaving it entirely up to him. This relationship, sadly, is over - to me it doesn't matter if we're divorced or separated. If your husband does still care for you, he may agree to a separation as others have suggested, for the purposes of insurance.

As for your cats - fight to keep them! I know you will! Cats are amazing creatures. I grew up with cats, but I could never have one while I was with my husband as he is very allergic. I've had my cat for just over a year now. He gives me someone to care for and look out for, and seems to know just when I need his company and when it's OK for him to disappear. He provides me with laughter at his antics and comes to sleep on my bed at night. He also wakes me up at 5 in the morning, attacks my ankles from under the sofa, and occasionally pees on the carpet - but he is so beneficial for me and I love him so very much, that I don't mind these things! It breaks my heart that tomorrow I am going on holiday for two weeks, and he will be going to a cattery for the first time.

The new counselor was fantastic. Explained things in the way they relate to how we express, or lack of expressing the feelings behind our actions. I told her I knew this would be a long drawn out process and we will still have to deal with each other. I don't want us to turn into bitter hate filled ex's. She gave me a book that very accurately describes how to break out of the usually cycle of arguments. To stop just exchanging information, rehashing past hurts or blaming the perceived bad guy. We have to be accessible emotionally to understand why is feeling this way about us. Responsiveness, letting him see that I understand the emotions he's going through. Basically empathize with how he feels about our relationship. Engagement, be emotionally present. No shutting down or closing off myself.

I left feeling better than I had in months. I immediately changed me tone with him, followed her advice and sure enough he opened up. We were able to calmly discuss taboo topics that had been bothering us for years. Instead of being on the defense, and taking it all personally. I just let him talk. I didn't mention her by name but did have to apologize for outing her on my Facebook page. I took it down...eventually. I told him I understood he was getting absolutely no emotional support from me. He felt we had drifted too far apart. This woman came along and gave him attention and safety. He was like he had just found an oasis in the Sahara. I said I wasn't going to bring it up again.

We talked longer than we had in I don't know how long.

I told him I had talked to a lawyer. I said the way our state's laws are I'd probably still be responsible for half our debt and I'd have to file for bankruptcy. I also told him I have started to look for work, but chances are I wouldn't be able to live in Vegas. I'd have to move back home to Wyoming.

His friend is being booted out of the hospital earlier than expected so hubby is doing everything humanly possible to get the house ready. I told him, put all the thoughts about our situation on hold at least for a week or two so he can focus completely on getting that house done. I suggested he come back next pay day and we can pay bills together. He can see where the money goes. He's going to need to learn.

Then he mentioned he still hadn't seen Captain America CW yet. We had tickets on the night he moved out and I went with his mom. I said I could see it again, he asked if there were any shows left that evening. Nothing until late, it's still selling out. He said, maybe Sunday? I said maybe. The next day he called me and actually stayed on the phone with me for over 10 minutes. He asked to get tickets for Sunday afternoon. I gave the okay.

I may be stupid and gullible, but I do miss my best friend. I was able to sleep better and actually was hungry for the first time in 3 weeks.

He's seems less stressed, he did lose a lot of weight. Still not sleeping but is finally eating. And he's not drinking. So his mind is clearing up finally. He seemed less intense and radiating negative energy.

I'm still following the advice of the lawyer and make up a budget I would need. Look for a job, apply to several a day even if I have no hope of getting it. Probably should talk to a bankruptcy lawyer. Tried so hard to avoid bankruptcy after our foreclosure. Never had a late payment on anything. But we were living on our credit cards. I have a bit of a materialistic shopping habit. Filling my emotional voids with make-up and shoes.

Hello Pink

I have been thinking about you the last couple of days. I'm really pleased you found a helpful counsellor, have been able to talk with your husband and are feeling more settled (and hungry!).

My husband and I remain friends and I am very grateful for that.

YB

How are you getting on, OP? : )

Not so good today. Had been trying the "I still want to be friends" thing with him. We went and saw Captain America on Sunday. He hadn't shaved in days and was grungy from working on his truck and his friend's house. Had to get it ready for him by today. Any way I tried being upbeat, but he was kind of distant. Was upset about spending money on his mountain bike and not being able to ride at all during the weekend. How for the holiday weekend his riding buddy invited him to go out of state to hit some trails.

But H's narcissist BF who proudly served his wife with divorce papers last week has decided he's coming down to Vegas and insists hubby hang out with him. Hanging out with him is hitting the strip, ogling women and getting wasted. None of which hubby enjoys.

During the movie I tried bumping his arm with mine. He recoiled. After the movie he said it wasn't what he was expecting, and was kind of bored. That was surprising, it's a good movie. We got back to our place but he had to leave to go install a handicap user toilet. He gave me this awkward one arm, half hug and was off.

Oh and he's moving into his friend's condo June 1st. I didn't ask if he signed a lease, or if it is month to month. I asked about utilities the other day but he didn't answer. He texted me good night and that was the last I heard from him so far this week.

I am still on a waiting list for individual counseling with a psychologist who works with people on the spectrum. My next appointment with the emotional therapy oriented marriage counselor (who also works with people who are separating or divorcing) isn't until the 31st. I have no emotional support at all. My mother is busy with her two jobs and although I have begged her to text or call me daily to check on me, she doesn't. My sister (whom I'm not close with) is having her own freak out as my 2 year old niece broke her arm Sunday.

I've never had an emotional support line. Having one with my husband was difficult and at times I pulled away from him when I didn't understand his angry frustrations with my "blues". I know now he didn't know how to help and was scared. It was the only way he knew how to react.

I'm thinking of so many things at once I am getting no where. I've started applying for any and all jobs but I'm basically going into the workforce like a teen out of high school. No references, no experience. One job I thought I'd be good at was one I did before I was married. Unfortunately they needed two pro references.

I did try getting out of the house on Saturday night but thoughts of what he was doing at that moment invaded. I have never felt so alone in the world. The shaking is back, starting to get dizzy spells. Trying hard to drink anything with nutrients and calories.

I've been going over and over again in my head how I am supposed to act and how to frame our conversations when he comes over Friday to pay bills. So many questions I can't ask. He refuses to read a self-help book (although I gave him Not Just Friends to read), go online to support groups or even talk to a counselor. I want to know he'll end it, what do they talk about when he calls her first thing in the morning. Does he want a divorce instead of a separation so he his morally free to date other women? Will he continue his fantasy relationship with this woman, will she be going to his condo after he moves in (clear on the other side of the valley), will he still break it off if it looks to be moving to a physical level?

No one in my family wants to talk about, and his family don't want to hear my side because people change and they want him to be happy. I haven't felt this unwanted since my parents both immediately remarried to ready made families.

It's going to be a LONG week.

Yes, it's going to be a long week.

He doesn't sound like he's doing all that well, either. But he does sound like he's continuing his divorce plans.

It might be too much to ask, to remain best friends through all this. You should be thinking of this as a bereavement.

I don't know for sure if this is something that would work for you. I've been watching the Netflix series Grace and Frankie, about two women being left by their husbands (who have decided to marry each other... they've been carrying on secretly for about 20 years!). The way these women cope, and grieve, might help you realize how universal this is, and the acting is very good and there are quite a few funny scenes.

Best wishes for today being bearable.

I know it's futile to remain friends with him if this is truly the path he wants to take. I'm trying to give him a little space, key word little, hoping the infatuation with his fantasy girl wears thin, the constant neediness of his injured friend and family becomes too much, and he realizes just how much this is going to cost him in both financial and emotional terms. He isn't going to be living the free life he wants to, no more fixing his mountain bike if it breaks. No money for a car loan to replace his lemon truck. No paying for lunch for his friends or co-workers. No cash to help pay for the weekend trips he envisions.

Most everything that can't be paid for out of the paycheck, like vet bills or car repairs, goes on one of my credit cards. He's maxed out his. No more of that.

It's probably too much to hope for but I was thinking a month or two of striking out on his own will wake him up to reality and he'll give counseling another go. Or he'll be too prideful and stubborn to admit he was wrong and will go ahead with destroying the both of us.

Thank you for the Netflix recommendation. I cancelled it along with other cost saving measures before I stopped and thought, "Why am I the one working so hard to trim the budget? He hasn't lifted a finger." So screw him, he can be an adult and ask nicely for me to cancel or sell stuff.

Time for some more tough love from me, I'm afraid. So, here goes...

I understand that you are hurting. That you want things to go back to the way they were. That your sense of safety and well being were tied in with him and have now, evaporated.
However, in everything that you are saying, you're not seeing how he feels. You're only seeing what you want to happen because that's what's best for you, and him too, to your eyes.

You would like for him to break things off with her, to see sense/wake up, you're putting out feelers in hopes that he will show you that deep down he still cares (arm touching etc) and yet, his actions show someone that's hell bent on gaining his freedom because to him his best interests don't coincide with yours.

Rather than holding onto some faint hope, torturing yourself with the past and how you coulda /shoulda done this n that. I'd strongly suggest you work on coming to terms with the loss, and as suggested above, treat it as a bereavement, and begin the mourning process.

Self preservation is the name of your game now. Not hopes of reconciliation. In my honest opinion the sooner you grasp that he's gone, the sooner you will heal and in turn, treat him with the contempt he deserves.

I don't know either of you, I only have your words to go on, but, what shouts out loud n clear to me is the fact that you need to let him go and focus your entire energies on yourself.

That way lies sanity, less pain, and hope. Imo.

I'm in complete denial, in a pathetic way it's what is keeping me from full on break down. I intend on discussing all of this with the therapist next week. EBT is supposed to be helpful for those going through loss of a loved one. It's been tough with no one to talk to. Except for you guys! It's been cathartic posting here.

I genuinely empathise.

Am also glad you're offloading here. I'm sending out some positive karmic vibes with your peace of mind and well being in mind

Hi Pink

Keep posting! In the absence of any other kind of emotional support, a good web forum with members who can understand what you are going through can make a huge difference.

Is there any way you can bring the appointment with that therapist forward? I said previously that you need a counsellor who can help you come to terms with your loss, and she sounds like she could be the one.

I know the financial stuff weighs heavy on your mind. It did for me too. But try not to put too much stress on yourself to find an immediate solution. There is enough stress for you to deal with regarding the relationship on it's own without adding any more.

Things will work out one way or another. Though I know from experience that it can be completely impossible to believe that at times.

Take care
YB