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TwilightPrincess
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17 Jul 2023, 9:36 am

Sometimes I feel embarrassed by the feelings of sympathy and empathy I had for him, especially since he treated me so horrifically. I didn't even want him to go to jail. I guess it was my brain's way of making the situation less bad in a way, so I could cope with it easier.

I usually dissociated during the worst times, so some of my memories are a bit hazy. I'd actively try not to think about them as well and would focus on any time when he treated me with even a little decency - the cycle of abuse stuff. Feeling stuck due to death threats and fear was always there, though.

I felt more like an absence than a presence. Who I was didn't matter in the slightest.


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IsabellaLinton
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17 Jul 2023, 10:03 am

I find there's only two options.


1) Forgive them and feel sorry for them, at least on some level -- as a way of avoiding the horror.
When I do this I feel ashamed of myself because I know I shouldn't forgive.


2) Admit the horror and refuse to forgive them -- as a way of avoiding that shame. ^
When I do this I feel a different shame, for allowing it to happen as long as it did.


It's a vicious circle.
No matter how I slice it, I feel guilty for what happened.
I know I shouldn't.
It's all coping mechanisms.
There's no easy way to make sense of it without admitting the horror and living full of hate.


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babybird
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17 Jul 2023, 11:42 am

I've heard people say that if you forgive you will feel better. I don't f*****g think so.

I will never forgive. I'd rather feel the anger and use it than let the bastards who hurt me get off that way.


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TwilightPrincess
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17 Jul 2023, 12:45 pm

They don’t deserve forgiveness.


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TwilightPrincess
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17 Aug 2023, 2:55 pm

CPTSD description and diagnostic criteria in the ICD-11:

Quote:
Description
Complex post traumatic stress disorder (Complex PTSD) is a disorder that may develop following exposure to an event or series of events of an extremely threatening or horrific nature, most commonly prolonged or repetitive events from which escape is difficult or impossible (e.g. torture, slavery, genocide campaigns, prolonged domestic violence, repeated childhood sexual or physical abuse). All diagnostic requirements for PTSD are met. In addition, Complex PTSD is characterised by severe and persistent 1) problems in affect regulation; 2) beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the traumatic event; and 3) difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others. These symptoms cause significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning.

Diagnostic Requirements
Essential (Required) Features:
- Exposure to an event or series of events of an extremely threatening or horrific nature, most commonly prolonged or repetitive events from which escape is difficult or impossible. Such events include, but are not limited to, torture, concentration camps, slavery, genocide campaigns and other forms of organized violence, prolonged domestic violence, and repeated childhood sexual or physical abuse.

- Following the traumatic event, the development of all three core elements of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, lasting for at least several weeks:
1. Re-experiencing the traumatic event after the traumatic event has occurred, in which the event(s) is not just remembered but is experienced as occurring again in the here and now. This typically occurs in the form of vivid intrusive memories or images; flashbacks, which can vary from mild (there is a transient sense of the event occurring again in the present) to severe (there is a complete loss of awareness of present surroundings), or repetitive dreams or nightmares that are thematically related to the traumatic event(s). Re-experiencing is typically accompanied by strong or overwhelming emotions, such as fear or horror, and strong physical sensations. Re-experiencing in the present can also involve feelings of being overwhelmed or immersed in the same intense emotions that were experienced during the traumatic event, without a prominent cognitive aspect, and may occur in response to reminders of the event. Reflecting on or ruminating about the event(s) and remembering the feelings that one experienced at that time are not sufficient to meet the re-experiencing requirement.
2. Deliberate avoidance of reminders likely to produce re-experiencing of the traumatic event(s). This may take the form either of active internal avoidance of thoughts and memories related to the event(s), or external avoidance of people, conversations, activities, or situations reminiscent of the event(s). In extreme cases the person may change their environment (e.g., move house or change jobs) to avoid reminders.
3. Persistent perceptions of heightened current threat, for example as indicated by hypervigilance or an enhanced startle reaction to stimuli such as unexpected noises. Hypervigilant persons constantly guard themselves against danger and feel themselves or others close to them to be under immediate threat either in specific situations or more generally. They may adopt new behaviours designed to ensure safety (not sitting with ones’ back to the door, repeated checking in vehicles’ rear-view mirror). In Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, unlike in Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, the startle reaction may in some cases be diminished rather than enhanced.

- Severe and pervasive problems in affect regulation. Examples include heightened emotional reactivity to minor stressors, violent outbursts, reckless or self-destructive behaviour, dissociative symptoms when under stress, and emotional numbing, particularly the inability to experience pleasure or positive emotions.

- Persistent beliefs about oneself as diminished, defeated or worthless, accompanied by deep and pervasive feelings of shame, guilt or failure related to the stressor. For example, the individual may feel guilty about not having escaped from or succumbing to the adverse circumstance, or not having been able to prevent the suffering of others.

- Persistent difficulties in sustaining relationships and in feeling close to others. The person may consistently avoid, deride or have little interest in relationships and social engagement more generally. Alternatively, there may be occasional intense relationships, but the person has difficulty sustaining them.

- The disturbance results in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning. If functioning is maintained, it is only through significant additional effort.


https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/ht ... f585833559


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TwilightPrincess
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03 Sep 2023, 8:35 am

Major Trigger Warning - Graphic SA

The Worst Day of My Life

I guess this is the final frontier although it's really what started it all. It's why I can't bear going near my alma mater when I'm in my hometown.

I broke up with my first boyfriend that day. It was a complicated situation because he needed to be single to pursue specific religious/career goals. He'd break up with me and then call me within a few days, saying that he couldn't help it because he missed me so much, and we'd get back together until he'd break up with me again. After dealing with this rollercoaster from Hell for months, I decided to end it for good. It was an awful day. I was heartbroken. I had thought that we would end up together - that he'd realize that True Love was more important than religious goals, but that's not how things went. (I’ve talked about this story previously.)

I decided to meet with a friend because I desperately needed to talk. I didn't have any close girlfriends at the time, so I called a guy friend. We met in college and had hung out before. He worked at the campus coffee shop and was well-liked and respected by everyone. He happened to be an athlete and quite popular. I was not. He seemed like a nice guy, and we had some similar interests.

Anyway, I was in a lot of distress and had been crying on and off for hours. He offered me wine. I accepted. I only remember having a glass or two. He didn't drink any. I think he might have put something in the wine. He served it out of a carafe, not a fresh wine bottle. I also was not hungover the next day as I would be if I had drank enough to be in the state I’ll describe presently.

He knew that I was a virgin and that I did not want to have sex. I was only interested in friendship. I was waiting for marriage and wanted my first time to be special.

I don’t remember taking off my clothes.

I remember him penetrating me - I had not agreed to it. It really hurt because he was very rough and because I was a virgin. Also, I was not aroused. I said, “Ow!” (that’s all I could say in my current state) and tried to make him stop by pushing him away, but I couldn't because of how drunk or drugged I was. He was a lot bigger and stronger than me, too. He said, "You wanted this. You aren't going to report me are you? Women just want to ruin men's lives when they report this stuff." He didn't stop.

The next thing I remember is being so out of it I couldn't even move...at all - not my body, arms, or hands. I was in and out of consciousness, laying flat on my back. He got all the way on top of me and shoved his penis in my mouth and down my throat and kept going until he was finished. While he was busily engaged, my out-of-focus mind drifted to my ex-boyfriend. Randy… Randy… Where are you? I love you. Gone forever. Nothing...nothing matters anymore…

I woke up later to the nauseating sensation of that sorry-excuse-for-a-human-being snuggling up to me like we had had consensual sex. I think this pisses me off more than anything else. When I looked down, I saw blood which I know can happen when a person loses their virginity, but maybe it wouldn't have been as bad if he wasn't an as*hole. I was really sore for several days afterwards. It even hurt to sit.

I was so ignorant about sex and consent I blamed myself for what happened. Certain religious teachings I grew up with didn't help, either.

I quickly got dressed and snuck out without waking him. I drove home under a starry sky, slept a couple hours, and then had my parents drive me to the hospital because I felt suicidal. I was admitted to the psych ward. I didn't tell anyone what had happened until a couple days later (and so was given nothing for the pain). The nurses talked me into having a rape kit done. I did it but never pressed charges because I still blamed myself. The doctor who performed the examination was so kind he made me cry.

When I called my ex-boyfriend from the hospital, he cried. I think he blamed himself, in a way, even though it wasn’t his fault. Maybe if it wasn't for our stupid religion, we would've ended up together. He truly did care about me, but sometimes love just ain't enough...

This event completely ruined my life and sense of self-worth, especially having grown up in purity culture. I was out of control for two months after the rape - drinking and smoking marijuana to try to numb the pain, and it was during those months that I met the piece of s**t who would later become my husband.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Sep 2023, 12:13 pm

I'm crying for you. ^

I don't know what else to say. Maybe I'll post my Doug story after all.

Sending love.


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TwilightPrincess
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04 Sep 2023, 12:41 pm

Thank you. :heart:

Do you think I was drugged? Either way, what he did was wrong.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Sep 2023, 12:45 pm

You think I was drugged even with my circumstance so yes I think so, 100%. There’s no doubt about it.


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TwilightPrincess
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04 Sep 2023, 1:05 pm

Something in me died that day.

I can’t even think about my first boyfriend without this coming up. The two things are linked in my mind and impossible to separate.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Sep 2023, 1:26 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
Something in me died that day.

I can’t even think about my first boyfriend without this coming up. The two things are linked in my mind and impossible to separate.



Hugs. Of course it did. That kind of violation changes a person forever.


Tasteless sarcasm that I couldn't resist:

It's almost like having to go to work every day and deal with sensory stimuli.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Sep 2023, 1:40 pm

I've told this story before but what the hell.
It's related to SA at Uni, so your story reminded me.

Trigger Warning SA:



During Frosh at Uni I became friends with a dude named Mike. We ended up being in the same section for a Philosophy class called The History of Political Thought. One night before the midterm exam in October, I went to his dorm room to study and he tried to SA me. He pinned me down and lifted my top. I jumped up so quickly he severed my left nipple with his teeth. It was hanging on by a small bit of flesh and bleeding a lot. I ran out and nothing else happened sexually but I didn't know what to do for medical care. I had no idea where to report things like that because it wasn't discussed back in the 80's. I thought if I did tell the school or I told my parents, my parents would make me quit school. Weirdly, that's also what I thought in Kindergarten when my teacher lifted me up by my ponytail and spanked me.

I ended up going to the local hospital by taxi. I told them I'd been shaving my underarms in the shower and I slipped, causing the razor to slice off my nip. I didn't think they'd believe it for a second, but they did. Well, they seemed to, anyway. I got stitched back together and it's semi-functional now, but I think of it every time I get dressed.

The SOB became a well respected criminal lawyer in Vancouver. I've lurked his profile several times but I doubt he'd even remember me because we never spoke again. Seeing him on campus and in class was very difficult. I don't remember seeing him after first year, though. I have a photo of the bugger in my dorm room with his arm around me, before this happened. I had a boyfriend (my eventual husband), so I thought we were just friends.

I don't consider this a trauma, but that's really pathetic. The only reason I don't is that I've endured so much worse it almost seems like it didn't matter. I'm ashamed of thinking that way but that's how CPTSD minds work. At that point I had already endured SA when I was seven, and possibly as young as three, so I think I was used to keeping my mouth shut and trying to protect abusers.


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colliegrace
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04 Sep 2023, 1:53 pm

I'm sorry guys. SA is probably the most sinister form of abuse there is. I haven't read the details of your stories, but my thoughts are with you.

Brief story surrounding my own SA. Tiny bit graphic in third paragraph.

I was SA'd at age 5. Perp was a relative. It went on for.... weeks? Months? One day apparently I slipped up and said something to tip my mom off. I don't remember many details of how things played out once s**t hit the fan tbh.

I'm told that there was some stuff in court, a restraining order or something slightly less restricting perhaps. Nothing much came out of it other than that, cuz my own father protected the perp and had a psychiatrist take testimony that he had interviewed me and determined that I had been coached.

Bull. s**t. Never happened, never talked to that psychiatrist guy, and certainly wasn't coached. I remember the SA clearly enough, being dry humped and asked to take off my clothes. More stuff than that probably happened over the course of time, but I don't remember most of it.

Anyways, I come from a family with a long history of abuse and trauma, with those who came before enduring much worse than anything I went through tbh.


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TwilightPrincess
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04 Sep 2023, 2:06 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
Something in me died that day.

I can’t even think about my first boyfriend without this coming up. The two things are linked in my mind and impossible to separate.



Hugs. Of course it did. That kind of violation changes a person forever.


Tasteless sarcasm that I couldn't resist:

It's almost like having to go to work every day and deal with sensory stimuli.

Sometimes I wish those people could see the world through our eyes for just a day.


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IsabellaLinton
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04 Sep 2023, 2:08 pm

{{{ colliegrace }}}

I'm so sorry. That's awful. My daughter had something similar happen at age 8. She told me about it and we went to police who sent us to her paediatrician and did a big investigation. In the end the police said it was "likely true" (?!) but they also thought she might have had a vivid imagination, or that she'd been coached. B.S. is right. Why the hell would anyone coach a child to talk like that?


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TwilightPrincess
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04 Sep 2023, 2:10 pm

colliegrace wrote:
I'm sorry guys. SA is probably the most sinister form of abuse there is. I haven't read the details of your stories, but my thoughts are with you.

Brief story surrounding my own SA. Tiny bit graphic in third paragraph.
I was SA'd at age 5. Perp was a relative. It went on for.... weeks? Months? One day apparently I slipped up and said something to tip my mom off. I don't remember many details of how things played out once s**t hit the fan tbh.

I'm told that there was some stuff in court, a restraining order or something slightly less restricting perhaps. Nothing much came out of it other than that, cuz my own father protected the perp and had a psychiatrist take testimony that he had interviewed me and determined that I had been coached.

Bull. s**t. Never happened, never talked to that psychiatrist guy, and certainly wasn't coached. I remember the SA clearly enough, being dry humped and asked to take off my clothes. More stuff than that probably happened over the course of time, but I don't remember most of it.

Anyways, I come from a family with a long history of abuse and trauma, with those who came before enduring much worse than anything I went through tbh.

That’s awful. :( I’m sorry you went through that.

I also come from a family with multigenerational abuse, so I know what that dynamic is like. My childhood was better than my mom’s, but that doesn’t mean it was good. I wasn’t given much sympathy.


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