I am Fat and Worthless

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You are being banned because you are clearly a zOMG troll. And there are people who care, otherwise, why are people posting?

Bye bye.

[quote="RainSong]With the appointment forgetting/date problem, could you entrust the date to someone else as well? Just write down the date and time as you're making the appointment, then give a copy of that to the person you're asking. You wouldn't need to tell them why, per se, if you didn't want to, but simply asking someone you know to remind you on that day/the night before that you have an important appointment/meeting/session/whatever word you like on ___ day at ___ time? I know you have a landlord who you've mentioned several times, and a neighbor who you recently interacted with, and I'm sure there'd be people around here who were willing to do it, if you were comfortable with such. It's entirely up to you, of course, but it might help.[/quote]

I entrusted the last one to someone and I was aware of it. Went to bed nice and early and still could not sleep 4 hours before the appointment. With hindsight, maybe I should have just gone to it, no matter how tired I felt. But at the time, I thought I could not stand the effects on my OCD etc for that day.

I cannot seem to find a pattern. Sometimes I go from being calm to being full of irritability and rage the next moment and it is not rage that is controllable. I literally feel like I have to pound something to death. My apt is a wreck from these episodes and I am concerned as I have obviously had bipolar most of my life, but such extreme rage is a recent thing.

Of note though is that I do not get this when I am out of my apt. Obviously, I cannot stay out all the time.

I also get these episodes if I feel I have done something wrong...been nasty, failed at something, been lazy, not achieved anything. I do not like the feeling of not getting anywhere nor having any talents or abilities.




I have no idea what would be the best form of treatment to deal with self hatred and the tangled up stuff. I suppose the reason I have not got very far is that the issues come and go. I will get past them for a time and decide to not bother getting help, then they come back again. Each time I hope I can resolve them alone, without medication, without these shrinks. It does feel weak to need any assistance like that.

I note I am not on meds for the bipolar.
Because I have yet to get back to the shrink who diagnosed me to sort that out.
And because I fear the side effects a lot.

1.) The ability to have children is not necessarily a priority for a woman.

2.) Having lecherous men drool over their posteriors won't make most women feel good about themselves.

I think that you should get the help and support, that you need.

I don't think that anybody should be telling anyone to take their own lives, in The Haven.

My body fixation goes beyond this...it is not about what it seems to be about, it is the form my obsession takes when other things are upsetting or stressing me out, I believe and goes back to abuse as a kid (the generic thing)

Fact is, I am having wild swings of mood. Tonight, I am managing to lay here and be calm. Last night, I had had a row which totally turned my mind upside down and sent me into chaos.

Things like rows, changes to my routine, unexpected things etc send me into a totally dangerous and impulsive state of mind.

If anything is bothering me, stressing me, at some level, my whole focus seems to fixate on my body, and on how small and light and fragile I can make myself.

It is too hard even for me to work out.

I keep trying to figure out the connections to try and fix it.

I'm a cold person, but I don't mean ill with anything I say.

It was my intent to say that if one wishes to kill themselves, they should if they want to as it's entirely their choice, and constantly saying such on the 'net isn't going to make it come around any quicker as I cannot see between the lines like many of the empathetic individuals around here. I cannot see that one is asking for helpful words when one posts these things without adding any more information. I'm sure you know why this is.

But anyway, I understand now.

Aridarr,

A lack of empathy isn't a bad thing, it's just a "different" thing; I have care and compassion like anyone else, I just need to be asked for it.

Graelwyn
Ok fine, first off instead of fearing your bi-polar meds, go and do a search and find what you might want to try and then suggest that to your doctor, also there are forums dealing with bi-polar, goto those and ask them, post your fears and complaints and let others that are in your same shoes help give you some direction and advice.
in other words, stop fearing and take control, don't let others do it for you, its less of a crap shoot, but most of all, sitting and doing nothing is going to change nothing, you will be in the same place in the same condition months and years down the road if you do nothing, if you let others do it for you alls that will happen if it dont work out is you blame them, dont do the game, take control of the board, its your life, and for now stop worrying about your ass, I am sure its just fine.

I'm sorry, but you kind of amuse me (random things amuse me; it's not an insult), perhaps because I tend to have a quick fire temper as well. Words effectively do nothing over this sort of medium, and threats really just look kinda silly. I understand how anger works and all, but rational view helps when you're trying to make a point.

There's a world of difference between advising and wanting. You can advise something without wanting it. Let's use a simpler example: I advised myself last night to go to bed before midnight, because I had to get up early in the morning, but I didn't want to go to bed then. (And I didn't, but that's not the point.) There was a distinct different between what I logically thought and what I emotionally felt. And they're not always together either. I can want to do something and have no advice concerning it, or I can advise something and not necessarily care one way or another about it.

You can really disagree with me all you want; it doesn't bother me. Many things can be thought of as something else, but it's best not to read into them if you're not sure that it's really supposed to be there. Some people inject a lot of emotions into their statements; some people don't. You can't assume it's always going to be one way for everyone.

And yes, before it comes up, I have been suicidal; in fact, the person you've been cheerfully insulting is the reason why I didn't overdose during Christmas Break.

I think that it's wrong to tell someone to die. saying that, will only motivate them to do so. There was a time, very late, last January that I was feeling suicidal. If another member would have told me to die, I wouldn't be alive, today.

Aww gezz,
if you girls are so lonely you could die, come to my home,
I would chear you up and show you a fun time.
hell I get lonly to, just you would have to deal and put up with blunt hionesty with me.

It is if it causes us to hurt people. Although I'm not attempting to start another argument.

I'm sorry about all the stuff I said earlier. I had no idea.

Anorexia is a very horrible disease. My Aunt Joanne has it. She also has a couple of very serious diseases, thrown in, with that. I hope, by the grace of God, that I never become anorexic. That lady is now in Hospice. I hope the OP gets the help that she needs, so that she'll be able to live to an old age.

Graelwyn, I hope you feel better soon. A person can be any size or age and still be a wonderful, beautiful person. I hope someday you will be able to appreciate yourself. The world out there, especially the media, try to make women think that they have to look like a barbie doll. Instead, think of the ancient statues of fertility goddesses, they are spherical, rounded and beautiful. And think of the old wise women who the people in old times used to look to for guidance. That's beauty too.
You are not worthless and you can accomplish plenty of things. 33 is not very old. Would you like to trade with me? I'm 46. I will tell you the way I would tell my daughter that I wish you many happy years.

Last edited by asperity on 23 Mar 2008, 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Beautiful people come in all shapes and sizes. A woman doesn't have to look like a Barbie doll.