Rants

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Im one of only two price checkers at my workplace...I like the hours and job security I get cuz of that...but after a while, there is so much work, but so little staff for such...it gets tiring....it was busy today and so many people in Red Deer leave things and carts in the aisles, they stick things like fish in the magazine racks, they try to go out through the in door and they tend to leave messes in the store. Luckily in less than a few weeks I basically memorized where most of the stuff is in that whole big store....the advantages of being on the spectrum If a person asks for something, I can basically tell them exactly where it is without going there.SUch as ...the pickles are in aisle 25 on the left hand side in the middle.

My parents offered me money a couple of weeks ago to paint the ceilings in the kitchen and lounge. I had planned to do it last weekend, but couldn't because of illness and a family gathering. Now they've started doing it. They know PERFECTLY WELL that I am going to start it this weekend; but they can't be patient and stop doing my job for me. They know that the only reason I haven't started is because for the past couple of weeks, I've been so sick and exhausted that all my energy is taken up with dragging myself out of bed and to work. Now they'll probably do it all, and I won't get the money, which I needed to help pay for things like citizenship processing fees and medication to help with my anxiety.

I hate tabloids! If a news report/all-related show involving gossip is on, I sniff and walk out of the room.

Even worse, I found one last week that reports who everyone (in something I like)'s girlfriends are and other gossip trash like that. I've been debating emailing this cruel parasistic leech and giving her a piece of my mind. (and I can't drink a 'tall glass of milk' without thinking of this sickening website).

Who finds knowing that stuff interesting, seriously? I could care less if my guy has a girlfriend or not, I will love him either way. He will always be my baby!

That 'glass of milk' makes me sour.

I F***ING HATE MY LIFE!! !! MY RELATIONSHIP COULDN'T WORK OUT, I HATE THIS CHRISTIAN SCHOOL I AM GIN AND ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT THINK THEIR WAY IS THE ONLY WAY AND THAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEIR S****! !! !! !!

I'M IN A COMPLETE WRECK! I WANT TO KILL SOMEONE OR MYSELF AND I WISH ALL MY PAIN COULD JUST LEAVE ME NOW AND NEVER EVER RETURN!! !! !! !! !! !! !!

I WISH I DIDN'T F****** HAVE PDD-NOS AND LDS SO MY LIFE WAS EASIER AND I WISH I COULD JUST MOUTH OFF WHATEVER I WANTED WITHOUT PEOPLE BEING OFFENDED! I WISH I COULD JUST WHAT I WANTED!! !! !!

Okay, this is late, but the cupcakes were delicious and I could use another one now.

I'm over the whole "New freshman" thing, but now I ... I don't know. I'm angry and frustrated and I don't know what about (ugh, ending a sentence in a preposition). It's Aspie, isn't it, to have that inability to fully articulate what exactly is troubling you? I've always told people I don't know why I am crying and I've been called a crybaby because of it.

I think I'm really upset because ... and this sounds so STUPID ... but someone took my words, nearly verbatim, and posted a similar reply on a fan site of which I am a member. It's like my post, but shorter. Of course, this person has never posted before, but it's like I got ignored. Maybe it was just an oversight, but I would like ... some kind of recognition. I think it comes from growing up in a home where my family member would deflect the praise away from me and onto herself. Or, when I was in elementary school (Aspies can't forget anything, can they?) and no one would comment on my work, making me think that I did a poor job. The teacher would say something, but so what? It's a teacher. Peer acceptance was the most important.

How would an NT handle something like this? I don't have anyone to turn to. My mother doesn't tolerate crying and my sister is heartless and I don't trust anyone. Most people think I'm strange anyway and crying would just tack on another bout of strangeness. I can't tell if knowing I'm an Aspie is a blessing or a curse.

How can I possibly be a screenwriter (that's what I'm studying in school)? I need public recognition for my work and if I don't get that, then what am I left with? I think I need to see a therapist. Again.

i watched an episode of "detonators" today.
it is a show on a science channel that documents the implosion sequences of buildings and structures being demolished.

the show was broken into 2 separate structures on the opposite sides of the world that were being demolished and the focus of attention shifted from one to the other during the show.

i have mild prosopagnosia and i fail to remember what face is talking about what.
if they stuck to 1 demolition in the first part of the show, and then if they focused on the second demolition in the later part of the show it would have been better for me.

but they chopped and changed from one demolition site to another in the show and i recognized the buildings and could situate myself if they were in the camera view fields, but when it was someone in an office discussing stuff, i had no idea who they were or what demolition job they were talking about.

so i sat and agonized through all the preamble and then i saw in the final 5 minutes of the show, the 2 structures actually being demolished.

i was very cranky indeed when i saw the buildings start to come down in the show.

they had many camera's set up to film both sites and the editor stitched together 1 second snippets from each camera from both sites into a visual shamozzle!

i wanted so much to quietly see each building going down from the point of detonation, continuously and uninterruptedly until the dust had cleared. i wanted to see it as one continuous sequence.
i did not want to see a patchwork of some editor's ego maniacal idea of how to please ADD sufferers!! !.

goodness...... i may have to think about trotting off to bed.

B9. i have been looking forward to watching this detonators show myself. but if it is as you say it is, i will probably not enjoy it. especially if they do not clearly show the detonation. what you described sounds horrible. thankyou for the unintentional heads up.

no do not be put off. the show is rather informative, however they do not really go into any depth about what they are saying.
they "prick my ears up" with a tasty sentence, and then that is the end of that scene and my attention is broken.

i remain thinking "i want to hear the rest of what he had to say" until i realize that the program is not going to show that person anymore, and then i get annoyed that the show is just an inch deep all around and i can not grab onto anything that they are saying or showing, because as soon as i start to get absorbed, the camera snaps to the other side of the world and the focus is on an entirely different problem which they give limited coverage to in the same facile manner.

last night i found a show that was about a demolition of a big steel bridge that crossed a river.
i did like to hear the attitudes and comments of the people who were the demolition workers. they seemed to be mildly hostile to the camera people saying things like "man get out of the way for f*cks sake" while looking at a camera person.

but they did not go into any detail about the sequencing of detonations or why. there was no mention of the behavior of metals during detonations, and no corresponding reasoning as to why they placed the charges wher they did.

anyway, when the "big man" (who sounded like a sports commentator (i know it was an actor(i just know it))) pressed the button, there was a staggered series of explosions and the structure started to come down.

i watched with keen interest as i wanted to see what sort of splash it would make on the river below when it all fell into it.

the footage never showed the bridge actually hitting the water, and i was outraged.

all the shots of the bridge going down were at best 2 second slices from various camera's and the editors stopped including those little slices in their clip before the bridge hit the water!!.
the editors must have thought "our target audience (the people who make up the majority of the potential audience (people who like action over consideration)) has an attention span of 2-3 seconds, and so we will tailor our documentary to that market".

so if they have to show a shot more than 3 seconds long, they will either zoom in and out on it rapidly, or play it at various random speeds and then reverse it randomly, and they put head banging music to it.

i am absolutely disgusted at the quality of the things that modern editors and producers consider to be adequate.

but i know that i am the most odd one out and never will a documentary be designed to appeal to my kind of mind, so i do not really care too much.

My father just got home, and the first thing he does is to start yelling about how my brothers and I are lazy, all because ONE WATER BOTTLE wasn't filled up. We did the dishes and made sure the house was tidy, and the water here is perfectly drinkable, so I don't see what the big deal is. He didn't even bother with "Hello, how are you?" before he started ranting/

I guess I should have learned not to expect anything better from him.




*edited to add* He commented "I suppose (my brother) has been in bed all day". My father spends most of his day in bed, and the reason my brother has spent a lot of time in bed lately is because he's worn out from trying to establish a new sleeping pattern (he quit an evening shift job, and he wants a more normal sleeping pattern as he thinks that will expand his employment options). At least my brother tries to do things, unlike my father, who just blames everyone else for his problems.

*Takes a deep breath*

This may sound ridiculous to some of you, but here goes:

Dad and I have been invited to the next door neighbors' for an "Oktoberfest" party (or get-together, whatever) tomorrow afternoon. I only relatively recently realized that the husband's a member of the gym where I work - I've put him through the Nautilus machine circuit several times, during which we've not exchanged more than a couple of words. I guess Dad became a sort of acquaintance of theirs during my mom's final bout with cancer; bad news travels fast in tiny towns like this one. *Shudder* I never really knew any of the neighbors here, because I essentially lived like a recluse after high school, moved to and from L.A. a few times, and then lived in Chicago for nearly 9 years after that. These folks and their neighborhood history mean nothing to me. They only know me peripherally, anyway.

I have ZERO desire to have to make small talk with a bunch of retirees, near-retirees, and whomever else will show up to the neighbors' party. At work at the gym, I'm forced to engage in idle (and/or fitness-related) chitchat; in that sense, it's kind of like forced therapy. At work, though, the small talk's necessarily brief and "light" because of the nature of the job and the environment. I don't have a half-hour to listen to a gym member's play-by-play anecdote about her hip replacement, because I've got 5 other people needing assistance with their Nautilus weight settings.

In a nutshell, I'm already sick over the prospect of having to field what are sure to be pointed and ultimately-humiliating questions from these strangers/near-strangers, from which I'll have no easy escape. Because of my social phobia and spectrum-related social deficits, I'm sure to say or do something horribly wrong, which will undoubtedly come back to haunt Dad or me. I feel like crying right now, thinking about what a friggin' ordeal it'll be for me. Dad's already copped the attitude that I've got no choice but to attend the party.

Incidentally, the couple in question mocked me years ago when I was home for the holidays, was outside with Mom's dog, and the dog'd managed to run off into the woods behind the backyard. Hearing me calling the dog repeatedly in desperation (and near tears, because I thought he was gone for good), the neighbors began mimicking me. They had no idea who I was, back then; they have no idea that *I know* that they're the ones who thought it hilarious that Mom's dog'd gotten off his leash. That's the last memory I have of them.

Thoughts?

Update (not that anyone cares): Dad didn't insist on my going to the party!
I'd had to get up at 5:15 this morning for work; exhausted when I got home, I took a nap. I guess Dad felt bad that I was so tired, so he didn't make a stink about my desire to stay home. YAY!

*Huge sigh of relief*

Not so. I care.

Congrats on dodging the party. I've weaseled out of so many parties I've become a de facto expert on the subject.

Forced socializing and mindless chitchat would kill me slowly. What am I supposed to do? Pretend to find some mindless drivel interesting and nod my head in approval? Screw that.

That guy Dr. Rush on Stargate Universe? That's me. Let's get down to business and have a useful conversation between equals, or f**k off because they are wasting my time.

I wish people would learn to drive.

You have your lane stay in it quit drifting back and forth!
The speed limit is (insert number)! could you please go it instead of 10-15 below it for NO FRIGGIN REASON!
ONRAMPS: The purpose of an on ramp is so you can get up to traffic safely.
Could you please Speed Up to TRAFFIC?! PLEASE! Traffic is movin 60+ not 40 miles per hour!
CELLPHONES do not need to be used while driving! PUT DOWN THE PHONE!!
Quit hitting your brakes every 10 feet for NO FRIGGIN REASON!!
Figure out where you are going and GO THERE! DON"T MAKE THE OTHER DRIVERS GUESS!!
If you are that scared of the Semi pull over and park! TAKE THE BUS! Quit sitting 5-10 feet behind in the fast lane next to it.
Healthy Respect yes! Fear NO!! Fear just paralyzes you and you make the wrong decision!
You have Mirrors! USE THEM!
I am in the next lane next to you LOOK AROUND OCCASIONALLY!
If you are walking LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE CROSSING! AND IF IT IS NIGHT DON"T WEAR ALL BLACK!
And if there is a crosswalk, cross WITH THE LIGHT!! Not against it. Cars are much heavier and harder than a human body.
TURN SIGNALS! USE THEM!

Long rant. I feel a bit better now... very tired...

I've been feeling pretty horrible since the school year started. I'm in my junior year of high school now, and it's the hardest academically that I've ever had, of course. To illustrate, the lowest grade I think I've ever gotten on a report card before is an 85 or higher, but this year I made two Ds the first grading period (prompting a removal from a certain AP class; fortunately I did not want to be in that class in the first place and was moved into it originally because of scheduling issues). At least this entire week and the week before, I've averaged a bedtime of 1:00 to 2:00, trying to do homework and failing because I'm too tired. The same thing happened last month also... It's a dreadful vicious cycle. (I joked to my sister that I should change my bedtime to an hour after school ends, then wake up very early in the morning and work until school starts, so that I can make sure that adequate sleep takes priority over homework. Sleep is essentially my mental health; all the mental illness that isn't "just" anxiety happens when I go without sleep for at least a week.)

I've missed a few days because I didn't think I should try to go to school, for example if I got only three hours or less of sleep before waking up for school plus cumulative sleep deprivation. It seems to have reached a climax this week, at the beginning of which I committed to hanging myself... a few hours ago. (It's another long story, really.) Obviously, it never happened. The problem added by this is that I did not work as hard after school as I could have this week, because I was so sure I was going to off myself in a few days anyway. It was definitely the closest I had ever come to suicide, but I was able to convince myself today that it was a stupid idea. Firstly, I am well aware that I've been very sleep-deprived for a while and have no business making decisions like that until I've recovered. There were various other reasons, also. I'm very young... I don't want to die! I just want to escape the grades... Surely there has to be more to life than the GPA. It also helped to hear some classmates, some of the best in my class of maybe 800-900, all very hard-working and high-achievers (more than me, certainly) commiserating over the workload in our classes. I was not aware that I was not actually the only one who stayed up into ridiculous hours to finish assignments, who struggled with tests and missed class because of stress, etc. (Actually, now I'm more worried about something being fundamentally wrong with our school or system, but at least it isn't just me... ) I wonder what their mental health is like. I know that some are set on becoming medical students.

There is still a problem, but hopefully I won't go all suicidal over it in the months to come... My grades are honestly pretty bad right now for three of my seven classes. Two of those are "core" (either English, math, science, or social studies/history) classes, and failing one of those is very bad. Failing is not the kind of thing I'm used to worrying about when I worry about grades. What I can do, I guess, is first make sure I sleep more than 45 hours this weekend, starting this Friday. xD I can already feel the migraines catching up with me...
---
Phew. At least I'm not alone here. High school is trying to kiiill me!

Why? Why can't I find people with the same issues as me?

And I don't mean online...but in real life. I don't want advice. People are always giving me advice. I KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR ME. I just want to know if other people are suffering like I am. I want to know if I am like Autistic people or neruotypicals, but you know what, I'm slowly finding out that I'm not like either one of them. I am me. I can never find someone with the exact problems as me. With this as a fact for me, I still can't let it go. I wish it was possible...but it's not...
I hate having the problems I do. I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it!

Mind if I post a minor rant on here? It's called: No, I don't want to get roped into talking to my grandparents for fifteen minutes with nobody else there!
I should learn to log off skype so they don't call me, thinking I'm my dad. The conversation went something like this: Hi. Where's your dad? I'm in my room. No, I can't untangle the wires without unplugging the internet and cutting you off. I was supposed to get hip surgery but I didn't. The weather. Swine flu. How are all my relatives. The view from my bedroom. Goodbye.
The weather? Why should either of us care?